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**03-03-2015, 09:16 PM**

History, ladies and gentlemen.

History.

A subject we all took before we started sprouting funny hairs on our fleshy little beanbags.

And yet somehow, the resident ‘Doctor’ of the XWF, doesn’t quite seem to know what that is.

I gotta ask you, Doc, where exactly did you make XWF history, huh? Becoming a Universal champion? Been done. Being the King of the XWF? Hardly the first. Holding the Xtreme title? That thing has been around more waists than a crackwhore jonesing for a fix. Reveal yourself to be the leader of a cult full of idiots? That’s happened at least five times since I joined the XWF. Judging by the XWF’s title histories, your X-Treme title reign was nowhere near historic, and given your impending loss to Gator at Monday Night Madness, your Universal title reign is going to leave a lot to be desired. I’m not sensing a whole lot of history here, “friend.”

Perhaps you’re alluding to the fact that you’re the first ever Universal champion that looks like a pound of spam, two hairy nipples and some gray pubic hair stuffed into a pair of Dockers? That’s really not something I’d be bragging about if I were you, Doc.

Or maybe you’re doing just a bit of foreshadowing? I mean, you are aware that your Universal title is on the line in this match, you could very well make XWF history as being the first Universal champion to lose his title to a man who has yet to have a single match in the company. That’d be pretty bad huh? I’ll admit that’s a little less likely, given that a coward who would have to win a title by cashing in a briefcase would most definitely find a way to get his partner to take the pin. You may look like Kathy Bates’ cellulite, but you ain’t stupid, are ya? Oh, wait. Shit. I forgot, you think that ragtag group of gothic neanderthals following you around and blowing kisses to your shriveled, old ball sack. You don’t really consider that an army, do you? The entire XWF looks at the Asylum like they’re a group of emotionally unstable children wearing metal colanders on their heads who use cucumbers to mimic machine guns. Hate to break it to you Doc, but that’s a daycare, not an army.

BUT HEY! I’m an equal opportunity dream crusher, why don’t we discuss your partner?

Thunderbolt X.

What a terrifying name. I think I just felt a couple trickles of urine drop out the ol’ pee hole and head for the hills! Now I gotta admit, I didn’t really know too much about the guy because he’s new like me, so I sat down and had me a little look-see at the XWF’s official website, to see if I could learn a little from the guy’s roster page. All I have to say is: Holy shit. Did anyone bother to look this thing over, or does this place literally allow ANYONE to join?

‘Thunderbolt X Said:“He never gives up and comes to the aid of other faces”

What the fuck does that shit mean? “Oh you’re getting your ass kicked? Sorry, can’t help ya boss. Lemme know when your face is getting fucked though and I got you.”

‘Thunderbolt X Said:“Ethnicity: Thunderbolt is tanned”

COME ON! DO I EVEN NEED TO SAY ANYTHING!? Deep breath, Coco. Deep breath. Picking on the disabled is not very endearing.

‘Thunderbolt X Said:“Primary Finisher: Thunderbolt of Doom”

OHHHHHH SHIIIIIIIIT! BOWELS DON’T EVACUATE ME NOW! THAT’S THE MOST TERRIFYING NAME I’VE EVER HEARD! Seriously, though? ‘Thunderbolt of Doom?’ I’m supposed to be taking this guy as a serious competitor and I have to watch out for moves that sound like theme park rides piloted by Jiminey Cricket? Is this guy suffering from some inoperable form of dick cancer and being humiliated on national television is his Make-A-Wish? Couldn’t we have gotten him an autographed pair of Peter Gilmour socks and sent him on his merry way? Do we REALLY have to show him bumbling around the ring like a drunken hobo before getting stomped to death by Malik and I? Suit yourself, Bolty. I’d rather spend my last few breaths banging away at some broad’s sweet walls but if you’d rather go out getting whooped like a bitch, that’s your prerogative.

Don’t think for a second that because you’re some withered dick nobody with less brain cells than a desperate loser who swallows a .44 bullet that I’m going to go easy on you. I’m going to make a mockery out of you. I’m going to whoop your stupid ass so badly that even the rest of the children on the shortbus are going to call you out on being a worthless piece of shit.

Doctor, as the reigning Universal champion, how could you allow the XWF to stick you with such a useless mouth breather? Shouldn’t you have some sort of clout? You’ve got a whole fucking army of toddlers and yet you get stuck with this guy? I’d feel bad for you if you weren’t such a pompous and undeserving prick. I don’t know much about Lethal Lottery and what’s going to happen beyond this match, but I can tell you that there’s not a doubt in my mind that you won’t be there to see it firsthand. That’s going to be a hell of a first feather in my cap though: “Defeated Universal champion Doc D’Ville and some other guy in his debut match.” I’m going to get a nice big 36”x36” poster of the exact moment the referee’s hand hits the three count and eliminates you from Lethal Lottery.

And that’s where you make history, right Doc? “Doctor D’Ville makes XWF history by proving he is the most talentless individual to ever hold onto the Universal title.” You know, I don’t even want to pin you? No, I think I’d like to whittle you down, humble you, make you regret ever thinking that you were unstoppable before pinning the little Thunderbitch. Why? Because it would just be poetic to hear that music start up and one of the other briefcase holders show up to take your title away from you just like you did to Gator. The panic in your eyes as your porky little legs struggle to regain balance under that soggy, old man body of yours is going to be the funniest damn thing I’ll see all night. You might even shit yourself! Because after I’m through with you, you’re not going to be in any position to defend your title that night, and if the briefcase holders aren’t especially stupid they’ll already have their acceptance speeches ready.

Doctor D’Ville, worst Universal champion in…

Well…

History.

Threaded Mode \| Linear Mode Coco addresses the good doctor.
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