Thursday Morning - Malibu


A toilet flushes.

Standing in the hallway of her beautiful Malibu apartment, Roxy Cotton taps her foot against the baseboard and plays with her cell phone, looking impatient.

“Babe, are you done? Come on!”

“Hold on, damn…”

“Loverboy” Vinnie Lane’s voice, muffled by the closed door of the bathroom, sounds simultaneously frustrated and amused.

Then, the toilet flushes a second time.

Followed by a third.

Finally, the door swings open and Loverboy struts out with a huge grin on his face, sprinkling Roxy with water from his fingers like the coolest kind in the sixth grade.

“Vinnie! Cut the shit!”

“I just did, dude! I shit so bad I think my ears popped from the pressure change.”

“You’re disgusting.”

“You don’t understand, dude. I’m pretty sure I lost six pounds. I had to ‘gram that one.”

“What?”

“I ‘grammed it.”

“Vinnie, what in the fuck are you talking about? Did you shit yourself ?”

“I took a picture for my Instagram followers.”

“Vinnie! You didn’t?”

“Sure did! Check it!”

Loverboy shows his cell to Roxy, whose eyes immediately widen when she focuses on the screen. Loverboy snickers at her reaction.




“Oh my god! Vinnie! You fucking TAGGED me?”

“Hell yeah, I wanted you to check it out! I’m thinking of editing in some hashtags. What do you think? #JustinSane? #IrisPoopenheimer? I’d pick on TJ a little now that he’s in the damn four way match with me, but he’s spent his whole life having his skin compared to shit, you know? I don’t want to rub it in.”

“You need to untag me. People are going to see my name! What if they think I did that?”

“Oh, damn, that would be even funnier! #RoxysAssholeGapes!”

“I will fucking cut you, Vinnie.”

“So… I’m guessing you don’t like this Snapchat one either?”

Loverboy shows the phone to Roxy again, who nearly gags at seeing the picture a second time. Somehow, though, she manages to keep it together and sock Loverboy in the stomach, interrupting his laughing spree.

“Can we just get the hell out of here now? Rodeo Drive isn’t going to shop itself, you know? I hope you called the bank and let them know they could expect some big purchases today.”

Roxy winks and smiles as she turns away and walks to the door. Loverboy’s shoulders slump as the realization dawns on him that today will cost him quite a bit of money. Desperately, he tries to think of a way out. He looks at Bobby, who’s sitting on the couch and playing the Xbox as usual.

“Roxy! I dunno, man… I think Bobby is coming down with a fever! We might have to stay home and take care of him… right kid?”

Bobby pauses his game long enough to look back over his shoulder at the frantic Loverboy.

“Nope. I feel great! Have fun shopping, dad!”

The kid laughs as he turns back around and Loverboy shakes a fist at him. Whatever expletives he mutters at Bobby are drowned out by the sound effects of the video game as Bobby unpauses and goes back to blowing away hookers and stealing cars.

“Now, Vinnie.”

Roxy looks impatient, so Loverboy slumps further into capitulation and walks outside, heading for the rented pink Corvette with his financial succubus.






A Short Time Later – Along the PCH


“Vinnie, I need to ask you something.”

The few minutes of silence had allowed “Loverboy” Vinnie Lane a chance to reflect.

His life had drastically changed, personally and professionally, over the course of the preceding weeks.

Wins over his arch-nemesis, Frodo Smackins, had guaranteed him a spot among the upper echelon of XWF performers. His alliance with Kirk MacClay had paid immediate dividends to the tune of a Television Title opportunity and, coming up, a chance to be named the number one contender for the Universal Championship.

With XWF’s Turning Point pay per view only a few days away, Loverboy could be forgiven for allowing his thoughts to drift back to the last time he was on a stage so grand.

War Games.

War Games had been an embarrassment. Team Mastermind was humiliated by a lack of leadership and preparedness, falling in defeat to some of Loverboy’s most despised opponents. Pest. Scully. Even Peter Gilmour, who was Trios Champion alongside Loverboy, was first across the ring from him at War Games.

Loverboy had made a silent promise to himself the night of that event to never let anyone lead him again. To always put himself in the position to control his own destiny. Win or lose moving forward, Loverboy knew there was no one to take the credit or the blame other than he himself.

With his direction and the political machinations of MacClay, the Underground had become a formidable force to be reckoned with, easily dispatching some of the toughest opponents that could be assembled. And Maverick.

Now though, there were no bright lights or screaming fans. There was only the ocean, the mountains, the breeze in his hair and the beautiful woman holding his hand.

Life was a dream.

“Vinnie! Wake up!”

Oh, right, Roxy was talking to him.

“What are you, daydreaming?”

The voluptuous blonde isn’t angry with him. Her ruby red lips arc upward in a smile as her matching fingertip bends the oversized sunglasses down from over her eyes, peering at him with sparkling irises.

Roxy’s hair is a sunburst of gold as the wind sweeps it up and around, mingling it with Loverboy’s.

Quite the metaphor.

“Sorry baby. I lose myself a little bit when I think of you is all.”

“Such a charmer you are.”

She smiles at him again, but Loverboy feels more tension than just the squeeze of her hand on his. There’s a heavy moment, and then she finally repeats herself.

“Really though, Vinnie. I need to ask you a serious question.”

“Alright… hit me, babe.”

“Vinnie… are you cheating on me?”

Roxy’s words combined with a nightmarish memory of waking up in Tampa earlier in the week cause Loverboy to swerve the car across the perilous highway.

A frightening moment goes by, but Loverboy compensates his steering and rights the vehicle, slowing down to a paltry 65 out of caution.

“What? Baby… why would you ever ask me something like that? You know I’m crazy about you, and even if I was desperate to get my cock under a different skirt I know you’d be down with me bringing home a chick for us both to play with… why would I cheat?”

“I don’t know… there’s just been weird stuff happening lately. Stuff I can’t think of any good explanation for. Look what was in the mailbox today, with no address or anything written on it.”

Roxy opens an envelope she’s removed from her clutch, unfolding a single sheet of paper and holding it for Loverboy to see.




“That’s so weird… I got one of those after Madness this week too! That was in our mailbox? For real?”

“Yes Vinnie! And it had to have been put there by hand!”

“Well shit… that mixed with the weird voicemail I got makes me kind of uncomfortable.”

“What weird voicemail?”

“I didn’t think anything of it, you know, but with these notes popping up… maybe they’re related? Here. Take a listen.”

Loverboy presses the Bluetooth button on his hands-free device, bringing up his cell phone screen and playing the voicemail he’d received a day or two prior.

"Loverboooooy.... Loverbooooooy... you'll belong to ME soon..... get readyyyyy....."

“Vinnie what the fuck? That is terrifying! You just ignored that?”

“Yeah, I mean, I have a weird job, you know? There’s a dude with spikes in his head now. Voicemails aren’t scary when you share a bathroom with that kind of a guy.”

“Okay, you might have a point… but this still seems like some pretty serious shit. You should let someone know. It’s got to be one of those freaks from the XWF. Cain maybe? Or Pest?”

“The only motherfucker who’s been to our place is TJ Wallace. That son of a bitch is probably just trying to get in my head now that we’re both in the same match for the Universal Contendership. He’s crazy if he thinks he’s gonna scare me, dude. He’s been watching too many scary movies in theaters full of talking audiences. I’ll get his ass for messing with my private life, you just watch, dude. He thinks he can scare me?”

Then, Loverboy’s phone chirps to life and startles him. Loverboy lets out a high pitched screech and turns beet red as Roxy stifles laughter.

“Shut up, Roxy. It’s just Sayors. I told him I’d give him an interview, since otherwise the fans are only going to get to read about Pest in the Pagoda Report. Lame.”

Loverboy answers the call, leaving the phone on speaker.

“Yo, Steve-o! Talk dirty to me, dude, what’s up?”

The tinny sound of the reporter’s voice comes over the phone’s speaker, somehow audible even though the car is moving swiftly and the top is down.

“Vinnie! Loverboy! How have you been? Steve Sayors here.”

“I know who it is, dude. Where have you been? Still getting slapped around and raping people because Frodo told you to?”

“It was Pest who assaulted me, Vinnie.”

“Oh, right. My bad. I always get them confused. Anyway man, I don’t have all day, let’s get this show on the road, dude!”

“Good idea… let’s talk about the Underground. I’m sure you know your teammate TJ Wallace won his qualifying match last night on Warfare and will be in the match with you at Turning Point. How does that make you feel?”

“I feel great, Steve! TJ Wallace is a friend of mine, and with him in there with me it will help to guarantee me winning and becoming the new number one contender to the Universal Title!”

“Well, aren’t you a little concerned that someone who knows you so well is technically your opponent?”

“Not at all, man! Let’s be realistic for just a second… Wallace is a great guy. One of the coolest dudes you’ll ever meet and a great a partner. He’s got a bright future in this business, man, but come on. That future doesn’t include the Universal Title. Wallace is easily the weakest link of the Underground, he’s green as hell, and he gets his ass kicked every week. I’m going to sweat a guy who beat Maverick to get into the match? Who hasn’t done that?”

“Well, Vinnie, you pinned Maverick to win against Team Tigris.”

“That’s a really good point Sayors, I’m glad you mentioned that. When did ‘eat Maverick’ become the default prerequisite for becoming the Universal Champion? Samuels spent a month kicking Mav’s ass to be named the top contender, Wallace gets him spoonfed to him like a toothless baby for a qualifying match… what’s next?”

“Well, technically it wasn’t Maverick against Samuels…”

“Oh fuck off with all that. Maverick is always Maverick.”

“So you think TJ Wallace is going to help you win? You don’t think he’ll go for it himself?”

“The plan is for Loverboy to go all the way. It’s what I do, after all. Wallace is in there to even the playing field against Justin Sane and Iris Oppenheimer until it’s time to do the right thing.”

“So he’s going to throw the match for you?”

“Dude, no, come on. That would be cheating. The Underground aren’t cheaters, we just make sure the rules bend in our favor, you know? Wallace was right about you, man – you ARE a shitfalcon.”

“Okay, Vinnie… how about…”

“The thing is, earlier in the week Theo Pryce used his silver spoonfed brain to try and confuse Wallace with fancy numbers. Let’s be brutally honest here. TJ Wallace is barely literate, you can’t expect him to figure out percentages and APR rates like some kind of god damn accountant. The only math Wallace does is in ounces, you understand?”

“I think so…”

“Here’s the real math, the part that matters. I have a one hundred percent chance of becoming the Universal Champion sometime after Turning Point. I will not lose the contender’s match, I will not lose when I challenge John Samuels or Steve Davids afterwards. Are those numbers good enough for you? One. Hundred. Percent.”

“How can you be so sure?”

“Steve. Dude. I’m white hot right now. If I were any hotter there would be a line of hobbits a mile long waiting to throw rings into me. Nobody is getting between me and that title. Frodo didn’t, did he? That was his main goal, you know. Just derailing my career and getting me out of the title scene. Probably because he wanted Theo’s dick in him at some point originally, but he kept it up after Theo lost the gold too. Wallace isn’t stopping me. Who was the star of the show this past Monday? Was it TJ Wallace?”

“No.”

“No. It was me. I won the match. I did the heavy lifting, I got the crowd on its feet chanting my name, I got the control of Madness securely in the hands of Kirk MacClay. I did everything I said I would do up to this point, man, and I’m saying now that this match is in the bag.”

“You have to have some concern going into the match when one of your opponents is Justin Sane, though. He’s a top guy lately, on a hell of a win streak. He’s the star of the month of December, a briefcase holder, a contender for every title… and he did pin you when you faced off!”

“This just keeps coming up. Listen, Sayors – yes, Justin Sane scored a pinfall victory over me a few weeks back. But he did it over a much less focused and determined version of me. He did it over a distracted and worried version of me, and, yes, I’ll even admit this, he did it over an overconfident version of me. One thing I took away from that match is that Justin Sane does deserve the hype. He has the tools, he has the ability, and he deserves the accolades everyone in the XWF is giving him. Hell, even Theo Pryce, the least likely guy to say a positive word about anybody other than himself, decided to bet 100,000 xbux on Justin Sane winning this match… and dude, it will be my absolute pleasure to cause Pryce to lose that money.”

“You definitely sound like you respect Justin Sane… that has to be a result of him beating you before. How can you be so sure that won’t happen again?”

“Because… damn it, Sayors, are you even listening to me? This match is ten times as important as that match was. Not only that, but I’m the one guy in there who has his heart and soul focused on that Universal Title and the number one contendership! Ask yourself this – do you think it’s important to Justin Sane to be the number one contender when he already has a 24/7 briefcase in his possession? Does he need to be the number one contender to face the champion?”

“No, he does not.”

“Exactly! Sane already got himself a back door to the title. And he’ll probably wait until after I have won the title to cash in, since I’m the only main event player he’s ever had success against. I’m the best thing going for that guy, man. It won’t make a difference though, because come Turning Point there will only be two things coming out of Justin Sane’s mouth: my dick, and ‘thank you.’”

“Well, that’s lovely imagery.”

“Shut up Sayors, you almost fucked a kid.”

“I did not! Look, let’s just move on to your third opponent, Iris Oppenheimer. What are your thoughts on the new girl taking the XWF by storm?”

“Is that what she’s doing? Because she beat who? Cain? I’ve done that. I did that walking in the door. I knock guys like Cain out of the way looking for a better fight. Who else? She beat LH Harrison’s corpse when he teamed with Gator? Oh, wow, LH Harrison’s career has basically been nothing but losses to me, should I be impressed?”

“Vinnie, once again I am obligated to remind you that Iris has pinned you recently.”

“That was a gauntlet match, Steve. Meaning that, on top of the incredible performance I put on in the main event of that Shove It, I had to go through three other men before getting to Iris, who was fully rested and prepared. I had been hit in the head with a manhole cover and had just almost shat my ballsack out of my asshole trying to lift Ghost Tank’s fat ass off the ground. You notice she didn’t have a lot to say about me, right? You’d think I’d be her main concern going into this match, and again, I’m the biggest name on her resume… but where is she? What has she said or done to make anyone believe she could repeat what happened last month against me when I’m at a hundred percent? She’s a cool girl, my son seems to like her a lot, and she smells really nice. That’s it though, man. She is getting pinned this week at Turning Point, guaranteed. I’m going to make that chick’s dreams come true by getting on top of her for three whole seconds.”

“You’re so magnanimous.”

“Quit your mindless prattle, dude. Are we done? That was everyone, right?”

“That was everyone. One more question though… did you read the Pagoda Report?”

“I checked it out. I’m not big on the dirt rags, you know. Phil Pagoda wouldn’t know a top 25 list if he wiped his ass with one. In fact, I think that’s exactly what he did when he came up with the standings. Iris ahead of me? Come on.”

“I’ll pass on your complaints. I know him pretty well.”

“Yeah, me too. I think about him every time I take a piss on a pile of dog shit.”

“I think I’ve got enough. Thanks for your time, Vinnie.”

“Your pleasure, dude.”

Loverboy clicks the phone off and looks over at Roxy, smiling. She smiles back at him, reaching over and rubbing his shoulder with her soft, petite hand.

“Good job, baby. You definitely told him.”

“Hell yeah I did. I can’t believe I used to think that dude was cool.”

A few seconds later, Loverboy drives down Sunset Boulevard and arrives in Beverly Hills. Roxy’s excitement grows as Loverboy’s shrivels.

“Well, we’re here! Ready to treat me like a princess?”

“Oh, brother…”

F A D E 2 P I N K