Alright, apparently, I'm supposed to team up with three other people to take on four men that can't even tie their own shoes correctly. Well, if I'm to get out some aggression, since anger management seemed to fail me, I'm expected to work with other people to achieve not only what I want, but also what they want as well. Let's see who I'm teaming with...HEY QUINN!

What?

HAND ME WEDNESDAY'S CARD!

I don't have it!

Oh, you got to be fucking with me, WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T HAVE IT?

It was lost in the mail! I went down to search for it just now and it wasn't there! Check the internet, I'm sure the card's up and the federation's main website.

Hardly ever check that place, mostly because it features the most smug looking douche-bags known to man posing for the camera. At least, that's what I hear from Quinn. Okay, I have to check this out and resist the urge to punch through the monitor. Let's see...

{Ruben types away on his keyboard until he gets to the card for the upcoming event.}

Alright, I got it up. I don't see any of these people as a threat, except for Sharkie. Alright, better find some music. Believe it or not, I got a request to play this song from Uncle Bernie over in Afghanistan. So, if you're watching this, enjoy.


Alright, if I'm going to get anywhere in this bout, I might as well act like I'm part of a team that really cares about their mates. Quinn told me that I had to exercise my team building skills through sharing the beating through everyone involved. So hey, even though they aren't like me at all, they can join me on my seed sharing once the cameras turn off and people go use the restroom or buy those stupid snacks back in the front. And maybe after that, we can grab a drink or two at the local bar and trick Quinn into letting me roam free for a change.

You know I'm in the other room, right?

You'll forget about it tomorrow like you always do!

{Beat}

He really will. His memory lasts longer than that of squirrel. They'll store nuts, instantly forget about storing them, and eat them all, ruining it's progress. I'd make more comparisons, but I don't want him to bitch at me again.

Might as well go down the list of opponents like everyone else does. I don't want to stray from the norm, fuck being unique. So, we first have Sharkie, the mutated sharkman. He's teamed up with the Space Cowboy before, and wouldn't you know it, he failed, so what makes him stand as much of a chance against the rest of his opponents now? Because he has three other people willing to fight for him while he cries and drinks in his own tears? Well that guy has to have some sort of hydration, since he is part shark. So, I have to ask, where is he getting his water supply from? The sewers? I mean, that's where he said he live, but there haven't really been any reports of such unless some dumbass wandering around in the sewer got some sort of chemical poured on him. I asked Quinn to search for reports on sewer sharks, and all he found is some God awful game that stars Danny Devito for some reason.

I also found a cartoon that shows something like his opponent, so maybe he's really into it and wanted to impersonate his favorite heroes as a child or something.

Only an autistic would do something as idiotic as that, Quinn. Don't stoop down to their level! Wait, what am I saying, you're already there. Never mind then, continue being you.

{Brief pause. Quinn pulls out a stun gun and zaps Ruben with it. Sexual moaning from the convict can be heard as electricity travels through his nervous system. This continues for a few moments until Quinn puts the zapper away.}

You know I like that, right? Why'd you stop?

One, I don't want to pleasure you. Two, you're still recording. Move on already, will ya?

Fine. Now where was I? Oh right, Sharkie said something about me in his recent promo. He didn't say as much as I thought he would on me, so that must mean that I'm the best man out of everyone on that team. Thanks for the flattery, but compliments won't get you very far. You have to insult me, get me so offended that I have to throw punches like a punk-ass little bitch and hit some weak ass moves that don't do shit to you, somehow. Instead of this bullshit that makes you act defensive at the very sight of me. Yes, I'm aware that my story isn't the most credible due to my lack of understanding about how law works, but I couldn't be making this shit up if I tried, what you heard was real and I can't change the truth. I lost every bout I was in? Kind of bullshit since I've only been in four matches and I've won two of them. Not a bad start for a rookie like me, I'd say.

I've heard the ugly thing before, and you seen what happened to the last guy that called me that, right? He was beaten into submission and couldn't move. Then again, that was what happened when I beat up a swan. Imagine my cred when I do the same to a shark. But I'm done talking about Sharkie right now, I have to move on to the punk ass bitch of the team, Trenchcoat. It only seems fair that I'd be facing you in this kind of fight, fucker couldn't beat me mono e mono, so the man in charge decided that he needed some friends to help weaken me for him. Can't really blame the guy. He's so shit at fighting that I ended up hurting myself in order to give him some kind of opening. He's lucky I didn't live up to the promise of running him over with the cruiser, otherwise he might not have seen the light of day.

{Ruben scoffs}

But let's be fair and see if anything changed since the last time we raised our dukes. I heard that your pants were a little loose and you signed up to fight for the right to be crowned the champion of Television. I don't see how you can compete with the likes of Richard Dawson or H. Jon Benjamin, but you still failed to do it anyways. Yes, I'm aware that it's just a name for that golden plated belt, which is a rather stupid name at that, there's no need to take a joke seriously. You better do a better job at knocking me out now that other people have joined in on the fun. Or maybe you won't and you'll be just as big of a load to your team like you're a load on this show's ratings. We'll see when the bell rings and the first punch has been thrown.

Next we have some fucker I never heard of before. He also has a really shit name that he wants to go by. So, knowing me, I have to ruin it by calling him something much more fitting. Seeing how he likes alliterative names, I might as well come up with something just as catchy. How about Howie Z. Harmless? Yeah that works. I really don't know or care all that much about Howie. From what I heard, whenever he steps into the ring, a whole row of spectators catch two hours of sleep. Quite accurate since this guy isn't interesting in the least bit. I'd look up what he did, but I really don't think it's important enough for me to kick your ass back to wherever you came from.

{Ruben cracks his neck.}

Alright, there's only one more guy to get through before I can turn this camera off. Let's try to get past him as quick as possible. Dream Weaver over here only wants to focus on one guy, like I do going into most fights. But, since many people have to take turns in this fight, it wouldn't be very nice of you to do that. You can't just hog meat, you have to let everyone else have a turn biting into it as well. Kind of like I'm forced to do right now. I'll get blue balls at the end of the day, and I probably won't be the guy that ends it, but I'll enjoy every second of beating the shit out of whoever steps foot into that ring. So, if there's ever a time where I have to punch you in the face for the fuck of it, I'll do it.

2015 is your year? You might want to check again, I know that 2015 is the year for fresh faces to come out and shine. You aren't a fresh face. You're an old piece of shit that needs to be scrapped out of a man's ass, that's how old you are. Me? I'm a fresh face. It might not be the prettiest face, but it's a face worth remembering. Maybe your friends in that corner of yours will tell you differently, but that would be like telling a fox to stop looking for vixens to fuck. You know what else it's like? Your team actually winning the bout. Not feasible and about as likely as a child getting into the White House. I'll see you all in the ring. Be sure you have someone ready to wheel you out when all this is done.