The scene opens to a run-down watering hole in the bowels of Tijuana, Mexico. The walls are stained with years of spilled alcohol and almost as much blood. The rotting wood floors creek with each patron’s step, accompanied by a sick slurping sound as their shoes stick to the beer soaked planks. The camera weaves through the cramped bar and around the numerous patrons, settling on the bar itself where familiar faces appear on screen. Theo Pryce is leaned casually against the bar with his hand around the waists of two very attractive Mexican women who are giggling at Theo’s every word. John Samuels is seated on the other side of the bar, slouched over and groaning in pain with an empty bottle of tequila clutched in his hand. The camera turns to show John Madison seated at a round table with 5 Mexican men, each with a half consumed bottle of tequila in front of them. Madison is wearing a sombrero and puffs at a cigar hanging out of his mouth as he places a bullet into the chamber of a large silver revolver. He slams the cylinder shut and spins it. Madison lifts the gun to his temple and places his finger on the trigger, closes his eyes and smiles as the camera shifts back to Samuels. Samuels struggles to make it to his feet and staggers over to Theo and his female accomplices. Samuels winds up and slaps one of the female’s asses so hard that she flies over the bar and crashes to the ground below, startling the others.
Samuels: “Holy shit! Gravity works weird down here. Hey big dog, do you mind if we get the fuck out of here yet? There’s some old lady eyeing me in the corner and I think she might be my old cleaning lady whose daughter I got pregnant a few years back.”
Theo Pryce: “What’d you do, make her put the baby up for adoption?”
Samuels: “No, I put dish soap on the staircase and put a taco at the bottom of them. Taco Bell may have shit food but they make for cheap abortions.”
Theo Pryce: “Jesus John, aren’t you supposed to be pro-life?”
Samuels: “Oh, I am, but accidents happen, you know?”
Theo Pryce: “Well I’ll be damned. Learn something new every day. Why don’t you just sit down and have a few more drinks? I’m working on something here.”
Samuels: “Alright man, but if that witch starts carving a doll made of an onion or something we need to get the fuck out of here. I can’t die in Mexico, I’m pretty sure that’s a ticket straight to Hell.”
Theo shoos Samuels away with a couple flicks of the wrist and turns back to the woman. Theo gives her an apologetic wink and brushes her cheek with his finger.
Theo Pryce: “Like I was saying, sweetheart, I am worth more than 194 countries. Imagine what a night with me could do for you.”
Mexican woman: “No comprendo.”
Theo Pryce: “Oh. Shit.”
Mexican woman: “I’m fucking around with you. Do those lines ever actually work on anyone?”
Theo Pryce: “They are right now, aren’t they?”
Mexican woman: “Good point, cowboy. Don’t you think your friend will be a little angry if we leave him behind?”
Theo Pryce: “Who? That big drunk guy over there? Nah, don’t you worry about ol’ Johnny over there. He can take care of himself.”
With a loud crash, Theo is interrupted by Samuels falling face first onto the surface of the bar, sending glass shards and tequila everywhere. The woman turns back to Theo and gives him a smirk. Theo simply shrugs and places his hand on the small of her back as the two make their way towards the exit. After a moment Samuels climbs his way back to the barstool and exhales deeply.
Samuels: “Seriously, what the fuck is going on with the gravity down here? No wonder all these fucking bean farmers are shorter than Morbid Angel’s tampon string. Get it Theo!? His tampon...string...Hey where the fuck did he go? Theo! Theo! The---”
Bang.
Bang.
Bang.
Bang.
Bang.
Click.
Click.
Click.
The camera quickly pans back the circular table. The 5 Mexican men seated around Madison are each slumped over and covered in blood. Madison has the pistol resting his head as he feverishly pulls the trigger with his finger, each resulting in a harmless ‘click.’ Confused, Madison eyes the barrel of the gun and pulls the trigger a few more times.
Click.
Click.
Click.
Disgusted, Madison throws the pistol on the table and takes a shot of tequila from the dead Mexican to his right, pausing as if waiting for the man to object. Madison raises the glass slightly in appreciation and swallows the shot. Madison crosses his arms and falls back into his chair and looks at the dead man to his left.
Madison: “Hey guys, I don’t think we played this the right way.”
Several gasps are heard and the music stops. All eyes are on Madison. Madison tips his sombrero up and shrugs his shoulders.
Madison: “What? Anyone got some more bullets? Hey, what happened to the music?”
The camera cuts to the exterior as Samuels and Madison burst out through the door, gunshots rattle the air and bullet holes pepper the large wooden door. The pair run towards a running pick-up truck, seemingly the only vehicle in the entire lot.
Samuels: “I shouldn’t drive! I’m fucking drunk!”
Madison: “Bullshit! Only
and democrats like Sebastian Duke drive Chevys, I ain’t getting behind the wheel of that fucking thing.”
Samuels grunts as a bullet whizzes by their heads, leaving him no time to protest. Madison jumps across the hood and dives into the passenger seat while loudly humming ‘Dixie.’ Samuels jumps into the driver seat and peels out. The truck speeds away, leaving the angry crowd in the dust. The camera cuts back to the interior as Madison is yelling loudly and pounding his fists against the roof of the truck. Samuels struggles to to keep the wheel straight as he squints to distinguish the road. After a few tense moments, Samuels lets out a smile and an uneasy laugh. The laugh grows louder and louder, matching the tone of Madison. Suddenly, Madison stops and jerks the wheel to the right, causing the truck to veer hard to the left. As the truck slides sideways towards the edge of a cliff, it is stopped by a large rock, nearly ripping the truck into two pieces. As the truck comes to a sudden halt, the Mexican woman from earlier is flung from the bed of the truck and into a large sign that reads ‘Bienvenidos a Tijuana!” The woman hits with a large thud and slides down the face of the sign, leaving a large trail of blood running downwards in her path. As the dust settles, a shirtless Theo Pryce pops up from the bed of the pickup truck, surveys the carnage and peers into the broken back window of the trucks, eyeing the occupants angrily.
Theo Pryce: “What the fuck was that!?”
Madison: “I saw a bear.”
Theo Pryce: “There are no fucking bears in Tijuana!”
Madison: “Bullshit, Theo. Don't fucking tell me that there aren't bears in Tijuana after I clearly saw a gray, mexican bear charging at us. ”
Theo Pryce: “Goddamn it, John! I'm pretty sure that was an armadillo.”
Madison: “Well there, I just saved us from getting mauled by a wild beast... Look, we're all safe. That's all that matters right now."
Theo Pryce: “All safe!? You just turned that poor girl into a bad paint job!”
Madison: “Oh shit you had a girl back there? Did you cum?”
Theo Pryce: “Un-fucking-beliveable…”
Madison: “DID YOU CUM!?”
Theo Pryce: “Yes, actually.”
Madison: “Then we all came out ahead here, I’d say.”
“Theo Pryce: "Not sure the bodies that are littering the floor because of you would agree but whatever. What the fuck are we going to do now?"
Theo throws his hands up in disgust and leaps out of the bed of the destroyed pickup truck. Madison and Samuels struggle to leave the wrecked truck but manage to do so. Madison and Theo make their way over to the body of the dead woman. Theo shakes his head as Madison examines the billboard.
Madison: “I don’t get what the artist was trying to convey with the large red stripe. It just seems forced to me.”
Theo Pryce: “I think I’m going to be sick.”
Madison: “Calm your balls, it’s not that bad. The guy obviously has talent he just seems to have a bit of misplaced energy. Perhaps with a proper class at a community college or something he could really…”
Theo Pryce: “SHUT THE FUCK UP!”
Madison: “Sensitive.”
As the two bicker, Samuels lurches forward like a zombie and nearly knocks the pair over as he pushes his way in-between them. Samuels stops, unzips his pants, throws his head back and with a deep exhale begins to urinate.
Theo Pryce: “Goddamnit John, not on the dead girl.”
Madison: “Actually Theo, I’ve heard urine baths can be quite cathartic.”
Theo Pryce: “She’s fucking dead.”
Madison: “Doesn't mean we can't clean her up before I have my turn with her. Quit hogging all the fun for yourself, Theo!"
Madison shrugs his shoulders and unzips his pants, without breaking his gaze with Theo, Madison begins to urinate on the dead woman too. Slightly bouncing up and down, Madison begins to hum the tune of the ‘Jeopardy’ theme song. If that wasn't enough, John pulls his pants down and proceeds to defecate into the mouth of the corpse. He uses a piece of the woman's arm to wipe with.
Theo Pryce: “How do you sleep at night?”
Madison: “Flaccid and in your mother’s stinkhole.”
Theo Pryce: “Left that one wide open for you.”
Madison: “That’s what your mother said last night.”
Theo Pryce: “Let’s get the fuck out of here. The smell of piss and blood is really making me nauseated.”
Madison: “You mean piss, blood, shit and your semen.”
Samuels: “Can we stop at a donkey show? I heard there’s a girl that can fit the whole thing.”
Theo Pryce: “This is officially the worst vacation I’ve ever been on.”
Madison: “Quit your bitching, Theo. Me and Samuels were the ones who had to save your ass from the bear while you were fucking around. And now Samuels has to live with the fact that he murdered an innocent woman all because Theo wanted to get laid in the back of a pickup. How do you think he feels? Why didn't you call us a fucking taxi, hot shot? Instead you called Duke to drop off his shitty truck. Was that the best you could do? Shame on you, Theo! Shame on you!”
Samuels: "Yeah! Shame on you, Theo!"
Theo Pryce: “What are you talking about? Fuck off, John."
The trio all walk off in silence as the sun begins to set. To keep up, Samuels has to lean on Madison, who attempts to fight him off to no avail. They make their way up the side of the desolate road, not a single man looking back to the now smouldering pickup truck. The camera focuses in on the approaching night sky for a moment before going completely dark. The scene re-opens to a dirty hotel room where the three men are all sprawled out, each snoring loudly: Theo laying perpendicular on one of the beds. Samuels is draped over the side of the other bed. Madison on the floor spooning with a body pillow. Theo stirs as a loud moaning is heard coming from the TV. As the moaning grows louder and louder, Theo frantically struggles to find the remote. At last he locates it and manages to shut the porn off, causing Madison to shoot awake from his slumber.
Madison: “Hey I was watching that!”
Theo Pryce: “You were snoring loud enough to wake the piss-covered dead, don’t try to give me that bullshit.”
Samuels: “Would you fuckers shut up!? I feel like like an elephant wiped his ass with my head.
Theo Pryce: “Maybe you shouldn’t drink so much.”
Samuels: “Shut up, mom. Maybe you shouldn’t fuck dead Mexicans.”
Theo Pryce: “She wasn’t dead when I fucked her, asshole.”
Samuels: “You fucked a Mexican’s asshole? Haven’t you ever had a Taco Bell shit? These people are doing that shit all day every day. You can’t stick your dick in that, you’ll get sepsis.
Theo Pryce: “And I chose you to be a tag partner. What a brilliant move on my part.”
Samuels: “You’re damn right it was. I’m the best wrestler in this little roach motel.”
Theo Pryce: “I beg to differ.”
Madison: “Me too. I mean, we can all agree that the best king is, of course, the original king. They didn't even bother doing a Gauntlet City 2 because they know that nobody could top my performance.”
Samuels: “Fuck you John, you wouldn’t have been king if it weren’t for me. You remember how that went down? We were at---”
Three loud knocks at the door silence Samuels mid-speech. The three men stop and stare at the door for a moment, before four more loud knocks damn near rattle the door right off it’s hinges.
Madison: “Are those my frittatas!?”
Madison eagerly jumps up the door and grabs the handle before looking through the peephole. After a moment he backs up and shakes his head.
Madison: “Those don’t look like frittata delivery guys.”
Samuels: “What do they look like then?”
Madison: “Spics with guns.”
Samuels: “That’s not good.”
Theo Pryce: “Fuck, are they the cops?”
Madison: “Only if the Tijuana police uniform includes bolo ties and wife beaters.”
Samuels: “What an absurd fashion statement.”
Voice from behind the door: “Get out here you fucking American pigs! You think you can fucking kill my wife and keep your heads!? Oh no vatos, we’re going to cut those pasty, ugly fucking cabezas off your stupid necks and feed them to our chihuahuas. Why don’t you be good little putos and come out here so we can make this quick. My frittatas are getting cold.”
Madison: “YOU MOTHERFUCKER! THOSE ARE MINE! Load up boys, we’re gonna take these assholes out!”
Madison jumps to his feet and grabs a duffle bag from underneath the bed. Madison throws the duffle bag onto the bed and frantically searches for the zipper. He looks over to Samuels who pulls a pair of pistols, pained with the Texas flag, out of waistband. Samuels cocks each pistol and holds them up while Madison retrieves a grenade launcher from the bag.
Samuels and
Theo Pryce: “HOLY SHIT!”
Madison: “Ol’ Betty here? My pride and joy.”
Theo Pryce: “Got something in there for me?”
Madison: “You fucking know it.”
Madison reaches into the bag and pulls out a crossbow, tossing it to the less than enthused Theo.
Theo Pryce: “What am I supposed to do with this? Kill a squirrel and try to lure them away with the meat?”
Madison: “Or use it to clog your menses trench, you fucking woman. You gonna cry or are you gonna kill some fucking Mexicans?”
Theo Pryce: “Mexicans.”
Samuels: “Definitely Mexicans.”
The three gather in front of the door and exchange glances. Madison holds up three fingers as the three men prepare to charge. Madison points to Samuels and then back towards the room. Samuels nods and backs up a few feet. Madison drops a finger and exhales slowly. He drops another finger, leaving only his middle finger up and extended towards Theo who grimaces and mouths ‘Fuck you.’ Maddy drops the final finger and looks over to Samuels. Samuels runs towards the door and charges right through it, crashing into the cartel member standing on the other side. Gunfire erupts as Samuels begins returning fire into the parking lot below. Madison charges out next, firing a grenade into the parking lot which takes out a car in a fantastic explosion. With a ‘thunk’ Madison sends another grenade into the parking lot below, sending Mexicans flying in every direction. Theo is last out of the room, brandishing his...crossbow. He takes aim at one of the cartel members, but nothing happens. He squeezes the trigger again and again, still nothing.
Theo Pryce: “This fucking thing doesn’t work!”
Madison: “Squeeze the trigger harder you fucking pussy!”
A man appears next to Theo, startling him. Theo falls backwards and sends a crossbow bolt in the man’s direction...straight through three boxes of frittatas, pinning them to the ceiling.
Madison: “NOT THOSE! GODDAMNIT!”
Enraged, Madison begins firing as fast as he can into the lot below, turning it into a sea of flames and charred vatos. As the gunshots become fewer and far between, the three stand triumphant, studying the damage below. Madison looks up at the mangled box of frittatas as a single tear rolls down his face. Samuels consolingly gives him a pat on the back that Madison shrugs off.
Samuels: “John, I'm sorry about what Theo did.”
Madison: “I’m fine. Can we just leave now? This place is terrible.”
Theo Pryce: “Well, not to be a Debbie downer, but we killed a cartel boss, his wife, and a couple dozen of his lackys. Do you think we can honestly just waltz back across the border like everything is fine? At very best, we’re looking at going to a Mexican prison for the rest of our natural lives?
Samuels: “And at worst?”
Theo Pryce: “They cut off our heads and shove them up Barney Green’s ass. A fate worse than death, no doubt. John don’t you have any pull here?”
Samuels: “Not a goddamn one. I don’t fuck with our neighbor to the south. Whatever we have to do to get out of this fucking country, we have to do with out help.”
Madison: “Guys, I have an idea. I saw it in a movie once.”
Theo Pryce: “Oh great, here we go...”
Samuels: “This can’t end well.”
The camera cuts to a large, dark sewer pipe. The only light is that from Theo’s cell phone. The trio crawl through the damn steel tube, dodging mice and occasionally gagging.
Madison: “See? This ain’t so bad.”
Samuels: “Crawling through gallons of Mexican fecal matter isn’t exactly my idea of something not being bad. How the fuck are we gonna wash the stink of these fucking beaners off ourselves?”
Theo Pryce: “We’re here now. Just keep moving. We have to be getting close.”
The three continue crawling for a few more feet before Madison holds his hand up.
Madison: “Do you guys hear that?”
Theo Pryce: “What is that?”
A large wave of water begins rushing at the trio. The roaring wave rips through the pipe and furiously towards them.
Samuels: “Shit.”
Theo Pryce: “Shit.”
Madison: “Shit.”
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