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Guppy Parsh · (09-17-2014)

~Act VII~

“You didn’t have to do that, Stevil. Now whoever that was knows your secret idenity.”

“Relax Guppy, everyone knows you're Batman and you're fine. Besides, it was better than taking that big hot cock from you,” Stevil sadistically bit into a slice of supreme with pineapple pizza, “Do you still have that shiny napkin?”

Guppy passed Stevil the RTX championship. After wiping his masked face a bit with it Stevil demonically handed the belt back. “What are you going to call that thing anyway?”

Guppy set the championship title on his lap. “I don’t know. I figured you’d tell me what to call it in a promo or something.”

“Well, it can’t just be something dumb and gimmicky that has to do with your catchphrases or something; that’s a cliché. Do you remember the Million Dollar title?”

“Yes.”

“That was so fucking lame. As an artist who actually wants to make something special with his promos, that belt has always made me sick to my fucking stomach. ‘I have a lot of money, so I name this belt a big amount of money’ he really should have named it after something important to him.”

“Money was important to him, Stevil.”

“He should have made it a Billion Dollar title. A billion is more than a million. If the money was important to him he wouldn’t have named the title after chump change. He may as well have called it the Penny title.”

“He was ‘The Million Dollar Man’, Stevil,”

“More like ‘The Man Who Doesn’t Know How To Name A Title’, Ted DiBiase is a bitch, Guppy. Our title isn’t going to be called something stupid. It'll be something relevant. A name that just rolls off the tongue.”

“I think I want to name it the Utility Championship because I’m Batman and I have a utility belt and a championship belt is a different type of belt. So it’s like a pun,”

“Except it isn’t clever and you already have a utility belt. What are you going to do, carry around two belts? You’d look like a fucking goof carrying two matching belts, Guppy.”

“I don’t want to look silly…”

“It’s also a shitty gimmicky name. There’s a lot more to you other than the fact that you’re Batman. Dig deeper, Guppy,”

Guppy thought long and hard. Ever since the voice abandoned him in that cave he had trouble remembering who he used to be. Was there actually more to Guppy than heroism? After racking his brain for ten minutes Guppy remembered.

“Oh! I used to be a doctor! Then I gave back my doctorate because Peter Gilmour said a bad word.”

“Who is that guy anyway? He seems like he’s a fat bitch or something.”

“Anything but, Stevil. Pete’s a great father figure, he’s very religious, and he’s the ruler of the realm of XTREEME! When he beats me he says he’s going to call the belt the XTREME WORLD TITLE! It’ll be even more prestigious than the Universal title.”

“Wait, you’re facing Peter Gilmour in Russia? Why? What did he do to get a shot?”

“Nothing, I beat Joy to have the privilege of facing him. It’s in an Extreme Xtreme match”

“What’s an Extreme Xtreme match?”

“I don’t know I figured you’d come up with something in a promo.”

Stevil cruelly looked at the match card for the next day's Wednesday Warfare.

“We’re getting on a plane to fly to Russia tomorrow and then they’ll stop airing promos for the match. When were you planning on telling me I had all these promos to write, matches to make up, and belts to name, Guppy?”

“I guess I was too busy whining about eve-,”

“Do you think my amazing promo ideas just appear out of thin air? Do you think I can just conjure up all those things and have them magically attain artistic merit? Guppy, a good promo needs three things, heart, soul, and time. I need more time.”

Guppy could tell Stevil was upset. After some more thinking Guppy thought of a brilliant idea to solve this time dilemma!

“According to Peter I used to be Tri Bute. Maybe I can take you back in time a few days and ease some of the pressure.”

“Do you know how to do it?”

Although Guppy had forgotten that he once was Tri Bute that doesn’t mean he couldn’t tap into his power. Guppy grabbed Stevil’s arms, clicked his heels together, and closed his eyes. He felt the fabric of time slowly re-fold the words that he and Stevil shared seemed to fly back into their mouths. The words had a specific taste and a specific charm. They were sweet.

However, imagining that you’re going back in time doesn’t actually make time travel occur. When Stevil and Guppy finally opened their eyes it was the same day and the same time.

“Did it work?”

Guppy checked his calendar, “No.”

“Are you sure you actually used to be Tri Bute?”

“Now that I’m thinking about it, I think Peter may have just been having one of his incoherent moments. It's one of the reasons we love him so much.”

Stevil wickedly slammed his fist of destruction against the wall. “Fine.”

“Fine?”

“I’ll just work off the top of my head. Guppy, what does RTX stand for?”

“Road To Xtreme.”

“There you go, renamed, you are the Road To Xtreme Champion. It’s been such a long road for you and the belt symbolizes the end of it. Because you beat Joy and you're still the champion you’re getting the match you always wanted. Plus that goes with one of the themes from our first promo together. Continuity is extremely important in promos, Guppy.”

“Wait, Road To Xtreme Champion?”

“You heard me. This way you have the home field advantage. You’re not defending a belt you’ve never held before; you’re defending a belt you’re familiar with.”

“I guess that makes sense. I mean if we changed the name too much it would feel like a completely different title, but wasn’t that the point?”

“I don’t really care. There’s really no point in changing the name at all to begin with. It’s arbitrary, but my new name works with the narrative I’m trying to present in my promos. Discussion over, moving on. Did Pete say his version of the Extreme Xtreme match, Guppy?”

Guppy found Gilmour’s promo and played that part for Stevil.

(09-01-2014, 05:33 PM)Peter Gilmour Said: So it got me thinking of what an Extreme XTREME match is and I came up with a killer stipulation. It's basically an Xtreme Rules match but way sicker. I'm talking about bombs, explosions, FIRE, guns, anything that is sadistic, gruesome and violent. And I'm no stranger to being sadistic, vile and gruesome. If you don't believe me, go watch it on DVD.

“Lame,” Stevil gruesomely rolled his eyes, “It’s just an Xtreme rules match, but you watch DVDs? I bet the DVDs he wants you to watch are about teenagers banging eachother and getting pregnant, Guppy. Did you see that Barney Green shoot promo?”

“Yes,”

“Our Extreme Xtreme match won’t involve sex with children; Pete would have an advantage there. There won’t be a Juno marathon either; I hate that movie.

I think I know one of Gilmour’s weaknesses. The guy is sadistic, gruesome, and vile, but he isn’t violent by his own omission. Even in Gilmour’s version of an Extreme Xtreme match he had to be no stranger to violence for it to really work out for him. Luckily, the ball is in our court, Guppy; literally any match type we can think of is better than Peter’s half-assed boring one from the top of his head. We could make it a stamp collecting match or a tic-tac-toe match and it would be a better match type.”

“I’m good at collecting st-.”

“Do you really think a regular, pinfall-ending match could be considered ‘Extreme Xtreme’, Pete? Maybe if it was just Xtreme, but really now Pete, it pretty much has to be A FIGHT TO THE DEATH. There will be barbed wire ropes, an explosion every six minutes and seven seconds, flaccid whale cocks hanging from four poles (one installed on each corner of the ring), and loaded grenade launchers will be hanging from the rafters on strings. Twelve flaming glass tables will circle the ring and the winner will be the person WHO KILLS THEIR OPPONENT.”

“Sadly, he cannot die,” the voice was a whisper in the shouts.

“Don’t worry, whoever loses won’t stay dead for long. All of Russia’s finest doctors will be in attendance and after the winner is declared they’ll do their best to bring you back to us, Pete. But I digress,” Stevil evilly looked directly at the camera recording the promo, “On Warfare there will be a new Ruler of the Realm of Xtreme, his name will be Guppy Parsh, the Ruler of the Road To Extreme Xtreme WORLD Champion.”

“Are you still talking to me, Stevil?”

“Guppy will make you bleed. Guppy will make you sweat. Guppy will make you cry. Guppy will make you die. The fish has become a man, Gilmour. Did you see what he did to Easy in his Suicidal Dreams? You won’t see that shit in Juno. All you get with Juno is a fat, dumb, hipster whore. I know you want to rub pizza all over Juno’s teenage tits. I know you want to fuck her with a spiked dildo. However, in Russia we won’t be having your Juno fetish match. THE MATCH WILL BE EXTREME

XTREME!”

Guppy fin.

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