John Adams Elementary School
Alexandria, Virginia


You know what my favorite subject in school is? It's not English, that stuff is so lame. It's not math, when am I ever going to need that stuff anyway? Science? Sure I guess it's cool, if you want to cook meth like Walter White but for me, it's all about gym class. Do you know why I like gym class so much? Because we get to play sports all day, every day. I especially like when we get to play dodge ball. You know? Because dodge ball is basically the school standing on the sidelines watching while kids bully each other in the forms of big rubber balls to the face.

Think about that for a second. A group of kids get to hurl balls at each others faces as hard as they possibly can with the actual goal being to knock that person out of the game. All while the gym teachers stand on the sidelines watching. Last week I threw a ball at Billy's face so hard that he actually bit his lip. He was bleeding all over the place. It was so cool. My friend Susie didn't like it though, she said I was mean and wouldn't talk to me for a whole day.

Whatever. Twat.

After gym class my favorite time of the day is lunch. First of all we have so much good food at lunch. Especially Taco Thursdays and Pizza Fridays. I told the lunch ladies that Peter Gilmour was going be coming to school to fight me on the playground. They looked at my like I had three heads but really I was only telling them that so they knew to lock up the food so that all the other kids had food to eat. My uncle tells me that Peter Gilmour is a bit of a glutton. I'm not really sure what that means, I'm only 8. But I think it means he likes to eat enough for 45 Kenyans.

Fatty.

After lunch I get to go and hang out with all my friends on the playground. Usually I take my seat at the top of the climberdome. It's pretty new, the school just got it last year. Usually I sit at the top, my friend David likes to join me up there. Usually we just sit up there and watch whats going on. Sometimes we will play a game or two of horse but usually we just sit on the climberdome.

Yesterday this new girl named Sam, short for Samantha climbed up onto the top of the climberdome and handed me a note. The note said:

Will you be my boyfriend? ____Yes ____No

I didn't fill it out yet. Sam is pretty cute, blonde hair and really nice glasses. Her mom is really pretty too. But there is also this other girl that last week gave me a Superman Action Figure, she said that she heard from David that I was a big Superman fan. I didn't ask her where she got it. I hope she stole it from her older brother. Her brother Ricky is in the fifth grade, he's a bit of a dick. He used to pick on me until one day I knocked a few of his teeth out on the playground after school. Ever since then he won't even look in my direction.

Anyway, this girl, Anna is her name, she seems really nice, and I was thinking that if I kept playing it off like I like her but not too much that she might keep giving me free toys. Does that make me a bad kid?

Whatever. I like toys. So what?

But neither of those two girls can even come close to Britney. Britney with her nice brown hair. My uncle said that every Britney he ever met was a big whore. I asked him what a whore was but he refused to tell me. My mom punched him in the arm and yelled my uncles name real loud. I'm guessing whore is a bad word. I tried to look it up on the internet the other day but my mom has these stupid parental locks on the computer. I can't do anything on there but play Where In The World Is Carmen Sandiego and use the calculator. Stupid computer.

Thank God for Xbox. Halo and Grand Theft Auto are the best games ever.

But enough about that, let's talk more about Britney. Normally I have no problem talking to girls, or anyone but for some reason when I am around Britney I suddenly start acting like a big . No not like Peter Gilmour. An actual . I try and talk but nothing comes out of my mouth. My pee pee starts to move a little bit, not really sure what that is about but it happens every time I talk to Britney. Yesterday I gave her a card because it was her birthday. She just smiled and said thanks. David said my face got all read. I called him a liar and punched him in the arm.

I wonder if Britney would let my mom take us to the movies. I think that Ninja Turtles movie is still out. It looks really cool. I wonder if Britney will like it.

I haven't told my mom yet about my upcoming wrestling match, something tells me she won't be very happy with the news. She will probably blame my Uncle Tommy and call him a lot of four letter words. But you know what, this isn't my Uncle Tommy's fault. This is Peter Gilmour's fault. If Peter had just fought my uncle like he said he would do none of this would have happened. But Peter keeps on running away. Even when my Uncle attacks him at XWF event after XWF event, Peter does nothing but talk about burying people and wanting people to suck on his penis. Since he likes to talk about burying people so much he should probably carry a shovel around with him and not a baseball bat. It would make sense right?

Anyway since Peter is too much of a baby to actually face my Uncle I did the only thing I could think of. I borrowed my friend David's camera and filmed a little challenge for Peter. Then I put it in the mail and sent it to the XWF. I didn't think Peter would actually accept my challenge? What man that claims to be the Ruler of anything agrees to fight an eight year old?

I'm eight years old and even I am smart enough to recognize that Peter Gilmour just made himself look like the biggest sissy mary in the entire federation. I have nothing to lose here. I'm eight years old for God sakes. If I lose to a 37 year old man child so what? I'm eight. But if Peter loses he's the guy that lost to an eight year old. I can't wait to see him try and talk his way out of that. He will fail, miserably like he always does. But he will definitely try, because he can't help himself. But if Peter wins? Good for Peter, he's the 37 year old that beat up an eight year old. If his fellow XWF superstars don't laugh him out of the federation I wouldn't be shocked if the cops showed up and had him arrested for assaulting a minor.

And that says nothing of all the sexual advances he's made against me. When my Uncle saw some of the responses Peter had for my challenge his face got bright red, he looked like he was going to kill Peter Gilmour. But thankfully I told my Uncle that he doesn't have to worry about it because no matter how much Peter wants to take his little peter out and wave it at me I won't allow it. I like girls Mr. Gilmour. Why don't you?

Don't you know that being gay is wrong? The good book even says so. And I know that you know what the good book is. My uncle let me watch some of your old XWF promos and you used to quote from the good book. Now granted you completely misinterpreted what the book was saying but honestly I was so moved that you could even read the book let alone understand it. I know you are 37 but let's not kid ourselves, we both know that you are dumber than I am. Have you ever listened to yourself talk? You can't even say you without sounding like a big .

You know, I'm sorry. I shouldn't call you a . That was very mean and disrespectful to everywhere. You aren't a . have an actual diagnosed excuse, you? You are just too stupid to realize the things you say and do. You are about to fight an 8 year old.

Do you get that at all?

Any by the way Mr.Gilmour, what happened to you? I thought you used to say that you had the body of a Greek God? When I challenged you, you looked like a 165 pound shemale, now you are fat blob. Have you been living off a diet of melted ice cream and pig fat?

My uncle said you love Chicken parm but I also love chicken parm, I ask my mommy to cook it at least once a week and I am not fat blob like you. Maybe you should go outside more and play with friends.

Do you even have any friends Mr. Gilmour? It sure doesn't seem like it.

It seems like everyone in the XWF wants to fight you, you'll fight fat Barney Green and guys who wear weird wiener shaped helmets and 8 year olds but you won't face my uncle? Is that because you are afraid of him? I'd be afraid of him too if I were you.

Now I guess I will just sit back from my seat at the top of the climberdome and wait for Peter to respond. It's going to be awesome listening to Peter bad mouth an 8 year old and talk about how much he doesn't care if he loses even though we all know that he does and if he does lose he will blame everyone from Jesus Christ to a gnat.

I know you are used to losing Mr. Gilmour and I know you think of yourself as a legend in the XWF but you are about to become a different kind of legend. You will forever be known as the guy who lost a wrestling match to a third grader. Hey you never know Fox might even make a show in your honor, "Are you tougher than a third grader?"

I wonder what Jeff Foxworthy is upto?