And ya wanna know why? Because THAT'S...
How I Rick Roll !!!
________________________________________________________

Promo Title:
THE SECUND CUMMING
Promo Sub-Title: The second serving of cum.
________________________________________________________

Next Event: Wednesday Night Welfare [Gub'mnt Cheez Edition] 06/11/14
____________________________________________

All kids outta the pool... it is now time for [adult swim] Adult Swim. Up next?
Aqua Teenage Mutant Ninja Hunger Force. Cowa-fuckin'-bunga, bitches.

... static ...

...

... blackness ...

...

... static again ...

...

... more blackness ...

...

... still more static ...

...

... And yet more blackness. Monotonous, isn't it?

Suddenly, a small, lime green NUMB3R appears in one of the screen's four corners... like a bright beacon... uh... beaconing out of... er... blackness. ... In a corner. Or something (?) And appearing shortly thereafter are more of the same, bright, lime green numbers... all rapidly changing from one digit to the next, without even a thought or a care in the world. Not to say that numbers actually have the ability to think... or care... but if they did? Oh-ho, brother, WATCHIT! ... Soon, the screen is filled to the brim with transmogrifying numerical numbers {There's that monotony again. Numerical numbers, I mean, WHAT IS THE DEAL? Is there any other kind?! Am I right ladies? ...}. With numbers switching to other numbers like monkies in a zoo... switching to other monkies in a zoo. Or the very same monkies switchin' to different zoos... Monkeys, even.

...Generic techno music begins to play. And as they say, "Where there's techno music... there's glowsticks". Am I right ladies? Huh? Yeah, the girl in the third row knows what I'm talkin about ;) How ya doin' there, sweet thang? :-*

And so, as techno music plays, and the screen fills with numbers, we take a minute to... well, switch channels. What else are you gonna do? Listen to TECHNO MUSIC?! It's TECHNO for Christ sake! Jeez... Ya pervert. Let's see what else good is on... we flip past a fishing show... a golf tournament... a bowling program... something about a guy marrying an alligator.... Hey, it's the news!

Reliable News Reporter: It has been said by a very reliable source in the industry that this is Mr. XWF's final week in the XWF. His match on Wednesday will indeed be his final match, and the promo that is about to be released sometime within the next 24 hours will be his farewell promo.

News Reporter Type Person: This news comes as a shock to many and brings much confusion. The self professed Boy With The Big Ol' Dick seemed to be back and ready to go with everything in his favor but an unforeseen circumstance has cut this unique superstar's career drastically short. If Mr. XWF's career was his cock, it just got circumcised way too far and accidentally cut his manhood clean off. We hope to have some kind of answers in that upcoming promo.

Fake-Ass Entertainment-Weekly-Style Bitch: In other super-important BREAKING NEWZZ type news-- A plane crashed earlier today, 150 miles west of Oklahomo City, with 132 passengers on-board. There were NO survivors. And now, on a more serious note, the 2016 presidential election is heating up -

... Alright, let's see if someone's fixed the XWF promo network... Ok, the numbers are still showing up, but now the techno music has been replaced by polka. ... What in GOD'S name did I do to deserve this job? I mean, seriously? Techno, and now polka? Not to mention I had to sit through about an hour of Jack digging a grave and talkin' about Petey Fuckin' Gabriel, "Mean" Ally Callous, and some wart on a gawd damned wrestling mat, SERIOUSLY?! What, just because I assist in a few suicides... bomb a few houses... commit an armed robbery or two, you'd think someone looked down on me as some sorta BAD guy or something!



Gettin' stuck with this crummy, dead end, disembodied, omnipotent vocal gig. I mean, is it SO wrong to wish death upon an entire nation because they banned you for "supposedly" smuggling out a bag of weed or two. ... Or three. Or perhaps a boatload, but REGARDLESS!

The polka is now replaced by the funky fresh sound of a lil bit ah mellow jazz, with a tempo so smooth you could just run your fingers through it like... something... running through something. That was smooth. DAMMIT, I'M NOT PAID TO MAKE COMPARISONS! Good gravy... As the music continues to play, the numbers slowly disa-mah-ppear... before there is but three numbers... and two rods. ... I mean words. Gawd damned autocorrect. Rods. Man, am I drunk or something? Yes.

What, pray tell, is the message left, in the black screen of blackness and blacktitude? And blackly black....blackity fuckin'....John Black? None other than the message that whispers in the night... calling to the wolves as they howl at the moon like...

...Dammit, just READ THE DAMN MESSAGE FER CRYIN' OUT LOUD.

*hoff_jack.123*

As if you didn't know that was the message. It's in the fuggin' title, and it's not as if Jack... er, I mean, "Whoever it may be", is going to take enough time to think up more than one secret message. This ain't no stinkin' 'Upon_Us' or 'Savior_Self' or crap like that... The message gets a bit static-y... a bit hazy... flashing a tiny bit... before it vanishes into a whisp of air.



Not... ACTUAL air... as it's just a screen. ... And it's not... like... an area of open land, or anything. ... Where there would be air. You know, because air couldn't just, like, be on a screen... a tv screen. It could be AROUND the actual tv SET, but... Not... IN the tv. ... as in on the tv screen. Not... IN, in, but in, as in on what's appearing IN the tv. So more like on. Because inside? Yeah, there's probably some air in there. I mean, yeah, there's gotta be SOME air in a tv set. It's an object. And all objects contain some modicum of air... They say when you get buried there's no air down there, but like, I'm like, HEY... man. Guy. There's air. How would YOU know there's no air. You're not... in a grave. Dumbass...

So there.

...

Ahem.

*cough*

OH, oh yeah, the promo. Okay. With the message gone, the screen is now black again. ...

...

... static ...

...

... black- OH DEAR LORD! Not this shit again!

__________________________________

- Friday, June 9th, 2014 / 2:22am -

- Location: Parts Unknown, Oklahoma / Hoff House -

Voice: Throughout human history, we have been dependent on machines to survive. Fate, it seems, is not without a sense of irony. We don't know who struck first, us or them. But we do know it was us that scorched the sky. At the time, they were dependent on solar power. It was believed they would be unable to survive without an energy source as abundant as the sun... Sooner or later you're going to realize, just as I did, that there's a difference between knowing the path and walking the path.

Voice: I hate this place. This zoo. This prison. This reality, whatever you want to call it, I can't stand it any longer. It's the smell, if there is such a thing. I feel saturated by it. I can taste your stink and every time I do, I fear that I've somehow been infected by it..... I know why you're here. I know what you've been doing... why you hardly sleep, why you live alone, and why night after night, you sit by your computer. You're looking for him. I know because I was once looking for the same thing. And when he found me, he told me I wasn't really looking for him. I was looking for an answer.

Voice: It's the question that drives us. It's the question that brought you here. You know the question, just as I did. And that question is, simply--How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Suddenly a mouse runs by and squeaks.

Voice: SHUT UP MOUSE!!

The 'unknown figure' with his fat face and balding head accidentally pricks his finger on the wooden counter.



Voice: ........SPLINTERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!

The mouse stops, stands on its hind legs, stares Jack directly in the eyes and shouts--

Mouse: To deny our own impulses is to deny the very thing that makes us human!!!

--it then scurries off.

Voice: ......that's what I get fer takin' drugs. I KNEW I shoulda taken the blue pill....Have you ever had a dream, that you were so sure was real? What if you were unable to wake from that dream? How would you know the difference between the dream world and the real world? What is real? How do you define 'real'? If you're talking about what you can feel, what you can smell, what you can taste and see, then 'real' is simply electrical signals interpreted by your brain. ......Sometimes? You feel like a nut. Sometimes... you are one. This is the story... of seven people... who were forced to live in a house... ... Oh wait, Real World flashback, sorry.

We open to a dimly lit room... No windows, and all that can be seen by our camera is a dusty lightbulb dangling from above... oh, and a chair. And a guy. In the chair. ... So that'd be three things. And in the back there's a tv set. So that's four, JUST FOCUS ON THE FUCKIN' GUY IN THE CHAIR. Gawd dammit. The chair is turned around, with the guy sitting, stomach to the chair's backrest. Both of his meaty arms are folded across the top of the backrest... showing off a pair of rather hairy limbs. His gut is chubby, he wears a pair of sweat pants, a white wifebeater shirt--

{editor's note: XWF does not condone the act of wife beating. Unless it's any number of Peter F'n Peter Pumpkin's penis eaters. The XWF also does not condone the act of wearing white after Labor Day. It's just tacky. Thank you, now, back to your regularly scheduled promo by Jack Hoff. ... I mean... by NOT Jack Hoff. Because he's totally not. Jack Hoff, that is.}

--And over his eyes he wears a mask, concealing his identity. ... Well, actually, it's just a black bandana with some ragged eyeholes poked through, so really, you can see that he's balding and has a moustache. ... I mean, come on people, you KNOW who it is. I mean, the guy posted his NAME in the title, he's ALREADY RELEASED A PROMO, it's CLEARLY him! He didn't even go through the trouble of using a secret identity or anything, he's already been flappin' his gums all over the network, I MEAN THE DUDE'S TEAMING WITH MR. XWF ON WEDNESDAY FOR FUCK'S SAKE. Of COURSE it's Jack!!

Jack Hoff: .........GAT DAMMIT!! Who's Jack?! No one knows who I am! It's such a secret, I don't even know who I am yet! I'll just have to wait and find out like everyone else, I GOTTA CRACK THE GAT DAM CODE!

... Jack, you do know you're not Chris Jericho, right?

Jack Hoff: I am so! ... I mean. I'm not Chris Jericho, but... I'm BETTER than Chris Jericho! Chris Jericho WISHES he were me! I am so much better than Chris Jericho, I'm the Best in the World at everything HE does, everything I do, even things I have no business doing in the first place! I can balance a gat dam spoon on my nose!!

Jack...Do not try and balance the spoon. That's impossible. Instead... only try to realize the truth.

Jack: ....huh?

There is no spoon.

Jack: ...........There is no spoon?

Yes, there is no spoon. Realize this, then you'll see, that it is not the spoon that balances.... it is only yourself.

Jack: ......Fuck that noize, I AM A FUCKIN' WIZARD, BITCH!! I can do ANYTHING!! I put Potter tah shame and make Calla-gay's parlor tricks look like David Blaine playin' Fiddy-Two Card Pick-up.......... I AM A SEXY--MAGICAL--BEAST, BAY-BAYYY!!

Hey, one outta three ain't bad...

Jack Hoff: I'm like a fuckin' pegasus or unicorn or Mr. XWF's long, strong, one-eyed cyclops or A GAT DAM MAGICAL MYSTICAL LITTLE PONY ON CRACK!! And when the world finds out who I am, and what I've come to do, they'll be glad they started watchin' ExxDubbyaEff, 'cuz baby, IT IS THE END OF THE WORLD AS YOU KNOW IT, and the REBIRTH of the whole wide wrasslin' world BEGINS with The Hoff!! ... WHOEVER THAT MAY BE! ... Who ISN'T ME. If you were thinking that. Fer now, you can call me NEO, cuz I am THE ONE!!

Jack--

Jack Hoff: DAMMIT, LISTEN HERE YOU -

Jack Hoff's Wife: WOULD YOU PLEASE.....SHUT...the HELL.....UP!?

The camera pans over a bit, to find that Jack Hoff's wife is in bed.

Jack Hoff's Wife: SOME of us are tryin'ah sleep at damn near half-past two ah clock in the gall darned mornin'! An' all y'all wanna do is talk that voice in yer head. Over there soundin' like yer havin' a gat damned conniption fit, ya fat fuckin' tub ah chocolate puddin'!!

So, counting the bed, I guess that'd actually make it five things in the dimly lit room.....unless ya wanna count Jack Hoff's wife, then that's six. Then ya got the nightstand, and the--OH, there are some windows in the back, I must not ah seen them, WELL GAWDDAMIT IT'S DARK IN HERE. Jackass. Anyway, Jack Hoff's Wife--

Jack Hoff: Dag gonnit, quit callin' her Jack Hoff's Wife!!! She is NOT Jack Hoff's Wife!

Jack Hoff's Wife: What the hell are you goin' on about? I sure as hell coulda sworn I was married to Jack Hoff! Ain't nobody looks as ugly naked as you, that's fer DAMN sure!

Jack Hoff: {looks over to his wife} SHUT UP WOMAN! Maybe if ya looked in the mirror once or twice, ya might find someone that looks just a tad uglier, ya wart-infested frog licker!

Jack Hoff's Wife: Who you tellin' tah shut up, ya damned dirty ape!

Jack Hoff: Go back tah sleep, ya hairy-legged, two-faced HORSE DEMON!!

Jack Hoff's Wife: Well, well, well, Mr. Man ah the House, Mr. 'Chosen One', Mr. KING OF HIS WORLD. I WILL if you SHUT THE HELL UP and take that DAMN camera of yours some place else! Not all of us are wrasslers ya know! Why don't you get a REAL job fer once!

Jack Hoff: At least I GOT a job! You money-grubbin' ol' BAG! I oughta divorced you when I heard I got a job wit' the ExxDubbyaEff! Now I'm gonna be a BIGGER STAR THAN I EVER DID WAS, and I ain't got no time fer no damn HANGERS-ON SUCH AS YERSELF!!! ... Ya old BAG!

Jack, I don't mean to interrupt, but you already used that one--

Jack Hoff: Y'ALL WANNA FACE FULL AH FUCK KNUCKLE SAMMICH YA DETACHED NARRATIN' NITWIT?! If not, shut yer damn pie hole, Junior! Or eat some pie, ain't nobody can talk wit' a face full ah pie, 'cept ol' FroYo Fagginz, an' I ain't talkin' blueberry! But I had me a pee-can, I tried that shit at the cemetary, an' BOY HOWDY did I look like a fool!!

Jack Hoff's Wife: *snort* YOU ALWAYS LOOK LIKE A FOOL, ya bald-headed galoot! An' REALLY, 'Bigger' Star? YOU?! Oh please, gimme a GAT dam break! You were never a 'big' star in the first place, YOU WEREN'T EVEN A STAR!! You were a PEON! You were in that fuckin' AWE or AWA or whatever in Gawd's name it was, ya got about three wins under yer belt 'fore ya choked, LIKE ALWAYS, an' flopped like the big ol' tub ah lard you is! An' you were there fer a cup ah coffee 'fore they folded faster than yer trap 'round a gat damned roast beef sammich!!

Jack Hoff's Wife stands from the bed, hits Jack in the back of the head with a rolling pin before yanking the bandana from his face, tossin' it to the ground, and stompin' on it for good measure. Just in case it gets any idears.

Jack Hoff's Wife: Urrbody already knows who you is, ya MOOK! They know yer a low-down, good-fer-nothin' LOSER. By gawd, y'all even had that ol' Wurl Sports Inner-tainment Pro-fashn'al Wrasslin' WHATEVER THE FUCK YA CALLED IT. Ya had yer OWN COMP'NY an' ya ended up havin' tah PAY PEOPLE tah come watch the shows!! Then ya just had homeless crackheads fill the stands! Then they eventually couldn't even be bothered wit' that nonsense so ya just threw some ol' stuffed aminals and jars of mayonaise in the seats an' hoped nobody'd notice the difference! An' ah course they didn't CUZ NOBODY WAS WATCHIN' AT HOME NEITHER!! You can't draw a crowd, ya NEVER COULD draw a crowd! Hell, the only thing yer good at's drawin' flies! D'YA UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M SAYIN' TAH Y'ALL RIGHT NOW?!

Jack Hoff: HOLD YER HORSES, YA GAT DAM HYPOCRITE!!......fer one thing. It was JAM. Not mayonaise, those seats were JAM-PACKED. Full ah 99 cent jam jars. So I took the expression literally, but IREGARDLESS....Y'all wanna say I, THE ONE AN' ONLY KIDD RAWK, never could draw asses tah the seats? Whadya mean woman?! I AM A BONAFIDE LEGEND IN THIS HERE BIDNESS. I am an ICON, right up there wit' Sting, Hogan, Flair, Stone Cold, Rocky, Eddie, Angle, Benoit, Santos, Satellite, Sebastian Duke, N.A.Z.I., C Y R E N, The Crimson Dong, Barney Green, John Black--

Jack Hoff's Wife: Wait, wait, WAIT a gat dam minute. Yer callin' Barney Green an' Good Ol' John Black, 'icons'?

Jack Hoff: ....yes? Wasn't John Black that guy that starred in Nacho Libre an' was in a band with his brother Kyle? That dude fuckin' rawkz!! SKADOOSH, hahaha!!

Jack Hoff's Wife: ...Well, I think y'all just proved my point plum near by yerself, but go right on ahead, keep cuttin' yerself off at the knees. It's fun tah watch ya flounder, ya make MATT WARD LOOK GOOD. And gawd damned, if that there ain't an accomplishment. I don't know what is, so BRA-FUCKIN'-VO!!

Jack Hoff: DAMMIT WOMAN!! I know the catchphrases! I know the fancy shmancy hand signs!

Jack tries to do the Hardy Boyz hand gesture but he ends up flippin' his wife off. Or maybe that's the Stone Cold Salute. Or maybe he just meant to flip his wife off.

Jack Hoff: I even know all the moves one could possibly ever wanna know! Hell, you could call me the man of ah thousand and a half moves!

Jack Hoff's Wife: ... A half? How the hell do ya learn HALF a move?

Jack Hoff: That's for me to know and for you to... not know. Now, I'll take this camera somewhere a bit more private so I can tell the millions watching at home the REAL reason I have come... to X-Dubbya-F!

Jack Hoff's Wife: Good. And make sure it's not in the bathroom, or you'll probably be up all night makin' that damn video, 'cuz every time you go an' sit on the can, it's about a week before you're seen again!

Jack Hoff: That's so's I can GET AWAY FROM YER UGLY OL' MUTILATED MONKEY FACE! ... Ya old BAG!

And again with the monotony...

Jack Hoff: BRIDGETTE IGNACIOUS TABITHA CALLAWAY HOFF, I HATE YOU AN' I HOPE YOU DIE IN A FIRE!!

Jack Hoff's Wife: Goodnight.

Jack Hoff: Goodnight, honey.

__________________________________

- Monday, June 9th, 2014 / 2:30am -


- Location: Parts Unknown, Oklahoma / Hoff House / Kitchen -

A little over half an hour after he 'buried raYne', Jack Hoff is seen grabbing a salami sandwich -

Jack Hoff: QUIT CALLIN' ME JACK HOFF!

Fine. That bald, fat ass with the face so ugly he had to hide it behind a mask--

Jack Hoff: AAAGH!!! Ok, call me Jack Hoff! Call me whatever ya damn well please, ya can call me Mongoose McQueen if ya want, just lemme eat my sammich.

What about the promo?

Jack Hoff: What promo?

...

Jack Hoff: *munch, munch* Thish- *gulp* This here's a DAMN good sammich. Good year, man. I made this thing back in 1995. DAMN good year.

... Do you just like... stockpile food in the fridge, or something?

Jack Hoff: ... Yeah? Doesn't everybody? *munch, munch* An' I'mma tell you right now, that gym bag comes in handy when *munch, munch* --ya ain't got nowheres else tah put it, this here sammich served me well way back in '95 when I was trainin' with the Iron Sheik how tah fuck asses an' make people HUM-BALLL, *munch, munch, gulp, BELCH* --An' by gawd it served me well right here tonight as I pree-pare tah layeth the Jack Down on TWO ROODIE COOTIE CUTIE PAH-TOOTIES! Both named Alexandra's Chesticles.

...You DO know you get sick from eating food that's... 19 years old, right?

Jack Hoff: Phff, ch'yeah, right. Superstitous mumbo jumbo! Good food's good food. Even if it DOES have mold. And hair. And a few ants. And other bugs, but IRREGARDLESS!

Ok, well, I'm just going to say you finish up the sandwich so I don't have to watch that disgusting thing being chomped on anymore... Jack Hoff finishes the sandwich--

Jack Hoff: *beeeelch*

... As I was saying. Jack Hoff finishes the sandwich, and rests a flabby arm on the counter. He looks into the cameras lens with a smarmy smirk spread across his face... He thinks to himself about gay porn, and ACTION!

Jack Hoff: HEY!

What? Worried raYne-bo Dash might dig himself up from the grave, watch this promo, and get a few ideas?

Jack Hoff: NO!!!.... You know DAMN WELL what! I do NOT have a smarmy smirk on my face! I've got a look of determination... of self-contemplation... maybe just a TINY bit ah constipation, but mostly of all, the knowledge that, in fiddy-five hours give or take, I WILL BE MAKIN' MY RETURN TO THE BUSINESS I SINGLE-HANDEDLY PUT BACK ON THE MAP!! Two-thousand an' eight, I SAVED wrasslin', first with my dead-end in-ring career, that coincidentally ended at a pay-pee-voo entitled Dead End. THEN? I climbed the corporate ladder, I CLAIMED MY OWN COMP'NY, an' I REVOLUTIONIZED THE INDUSTRY. I even had me an alien named Zorak Firling on that roster, 'long wit' his tagged team pardner Brak Zannigan! Yip, that's right, a couple ah real-life, honest tah goodness, bonafide Exxtry-Tarrestrialz!! No one on this earth can tell me they've had a wrasslin' organization that can stake the same claim!

...Supernova, Mr. Radio, Shawn Stasiak, any of those ring a bell?






Jack Hoff: OH YEAH, I remember them ol' boys!! I hear they took a ride on Space Mountain......aka, Ally-cat's Alley-way, cuz y'all know SpaceMen get a free season pass! URRRRBUDDY knows, The Pheromone Phenom ain't nuttin' more than a filthy, dirty, disgustin', bottom feedin', space dick gobblin', astro-nut polishin', PETER GILMOUR WOBBLIN' TRASHBAG HO!!

....Peter Gilmour wobblin'?

Jack Hoff: And the WHOLE WIDE WORLD KNOWS.....It's time fah The Hoffster tah step foot BACK in the ring, only this time? I'mma be bigger, badder--

--fatter--

Jack Hoffer: An' BETTER than ever b'fore!! An' I'm bringin' Mistah ExxDubbyaEff along fer the ride, an' WIT THE FRANCHISE PLAYER IN HIS CORNER....................Mr. XWF just might stand a chance!!

You have a lotta confidence, there, Jack. Just BRIMMING with it, which is ricockulous if ya ask me, cuz Mr. X has ACTUALLY ACCOMPLISHED SOMETHING in this company.....Whereas you've accomplished, uhm, let's see, oh, I dunno, NOTHING. Ever. Kind of a stark contrast if ya ask me.

Jack Hoff: NOTHING? Really, is that what'choo think bub, well lemme tell you ONE THING, I am THE MOST ELECTRIFYIN' ASSHOLE in the HISTORY of Sports Entertainment!! An' come Wednesday Night Wart Removal, the American Fatass is gonna step into that very ring... in front of the millions... and MILLIONS of the Hoff's fans..... and lay-eth, down-eth, a beating-eth, on-eth, every single ONE...-eth, of those monkey candy eating coat asses! ...-eth. And once I do, XWF will never................................................... EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE----EEEEH-EH-EH-EHHH-EHHHHH-EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHH-EVER........ be the same........................................................................ . . . ... .. ...

Jack Hoff: ...

Jack Hoff: ...

Jack Hoff: ...

Jack Hoff: ..

Jack Hoff: .

Jack Hoff: --

GET ON WITH IT ALREADY!!!

Jack Hoff: ... A-gayn!!!

Jack Hoff: Ya see ExxDubbyaEff, y'all don't know who I am...

Right...they don't. That whole 'irrelevancy' thing and all. I hear from Petey Frickin' Gilbert that shit's a bitch to deal with, just like your old lady. So, yeah...Good luck with all that, Y-2-Jackoff.

Jack Hoff: ....SHADDAP. They may not know me NOW, whether it be thanks tah a thick veil of mystery....or absolute lack of relevancy. But SOON? Sooner than you can IMAGINE, you all will! And when you do, the name Jac- ... MY name, will eternally be etched in the annals of sports entertainment history, as well as the anals cuz BY GAWD I DELIEVER THOSE POUNDIN'S AS GOOD AS ANY OL' GLITTER-BEJEWELED HELMET WEARIN' RAYNE STORM-TROOPER EVER COULD!! And I will go down as the man... no, no, no, the SAVIOR, who came to The Exx-STREAM Wrasslin' Feddy-rayshunn, shined it up real nice an' spiffy like, turned that sorry sumbitch sideways, an' STUCK IT STRAIGHT... into the future! A future that is bright! A future that is GLORIOUS! So bright I gotta wear shades, for ya SEE X-Dub, I, the Ayatollah of Rick Roll-ah, the ONLY Living Legend that isn't close tah spendin' the rest of his natural-born days in a rest home... I, an' I ALONE, am the one and only being that will be able to lead XWF in TO the future! Mistah X-Faktah, it is truly an honor for us tah team tah-gether. An honor I am MORE than certain y'all cherish with every fiber of yer bein', cuz I AM JUST THAT DAMNED GOOD.

Jack Hoff: X-DUBBYA-To-The-By-Gawd-EFF... I am here to save you. Fellow 'Muricans... WHATCHA GONNA DO?! Whatcha gonna do, when the only thing you CAN do, is look up tah ME, and think of ME, and adore ME, and LUUUUUV ME--



--and "BELiEVE" in ME, and know ME is... I mean, I AM, or should I by gawd say-- iAm....no, no I shouldn't cuz then I'd sound like a GAWD DAMNED or Peter Frackin' Porker... HOW'S IT GONNA FEEL WHEN YOU KNOW I AM GONNA BE.... the one that each and every last one ah yuz KNEEL before... lowering to yer worthless hands an' knees as you kiss my filthy, rotten, disgustin', mark callous encrusted FEET?! WHATCHA GONNA DO EXX DUBBYA EFF?! When the one and ONLY KIDD MUDDAFUKKIN RAWKKKK runs wild on YOOOU!!!!!!!!~11

Jack reaches into the fridge, and pulls out a week old pizza. He doesn't even bother heating it up in the microwave, he just starts scarfin' it down, as it's loaded with a large thick crust, double cheese, ham, pepperoni, sausage, green peppers, sardines, flies, jelly beans, BUT NO ANCHOVIES. And I mean NO ANCHOVIES, Somebody puts anchovies on his pizza and they are in BIG TROUBLE, okay? Clock's tickin', dude...

Jack: *munch, munch* An'-- *GULP* --And ya wanna know WHY? Simple. It's cuz y'all ain't got any REAL heroes left. It's cuz Supernova's done gone an' changed his name fer the eleventy billionth time, so many fuckin' times he prob'ly don't even know who he is anymore! Prob'ly thinks he's Jar Jar Binks, gonna make an appearance in Star Wars Episode 7, The Search Fer More Money! An' ol' Theo Pryce is too damn busy dancin' 'round like a lil ol' ballerina on Broadway, so it's plum CLEAR AS DAY that the man's lost his damned mind worse than the Jizz Storm himself!! 'Fore he got cut down tah size by the Blade Ah Callaway!! It's cuz Tony Fuckin' Santos LOST HIS SMILE. It's cuz Peter Frickin' PAN is too much a cry-baby BEE-YOTCH tah save his own lil ol' damsel in distress, much LESS AN ENTIRE COMP'NY. It's cuz I AM the Game, BOY! I AM the Best There Is, Was, Will Be, May Be, Should Be, Could Be, OUGHT Tah Be, Gonna Be, Spelling Bee, Bumble Bee, Tommy LEE! I AM the NAITCH--





...

Jack Hoff: - ahhh Boy, WOOO!!! I'm the world's most mean, lean, green, FEARSOME FIGHTIN' MACHINE!! I'm cool, I'm hip, I'mma radical rat an' that's a fact named JACK!! I'm a rude, crude party dude, as well as YOUR par-tay HOST! I'mma hero in a halfshell, I be-bop, I rock steady, I even do machines an' I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE H-E-DOUBLE HELL ANY AH THAT MEANS! But I STILL do it, cuz I am just THAT DAMN GOOD!! And above all else, without a shadow of a doubt, without a single, solitary QUESTION... after the smoke clears, the dust settles, and I've ran out of catchphrases? I will LEAD a revolution, I will CUT NO SLACK, an' I will BE...

Jack: .....The One. The Highlight of the Night. Your SAVIOR. Cuz that's just, how, I, RICK-ROLL!! Now Believe THAT, BITCHEZ, it's ShowTime!!!!!!~!


Jack slaps the pizza slice down upon the counter, heading back toward his bedroom...But as he leaves, we find the tv set from the top of the promo, and we find ourselves gazing at the very same news broadcast, as the 'reliable news reporter' gives the startling details on Mr. XWF's supposed retirement....the program transitions to a certain cartoon--











......but suddenly? Static slices through the screen. And then? Nothingness. For a brief moment, the vision is left in the dark... Our camera transcends into this screen's image, leaving our sight in pitch black. Then, lightning seemingly rips through the screen. Before find ourselves gazing upon the very same grave Jack dug in his initial promo--

http://xwf99.com/showthread.php?tid=12815


The grave of "The Storm".....thunder booms in the distance, lightning splits the sky, rain descends upon the burial plot....

And the dirt mound begins to shift.




"Too soon, you'll be a memory. Just illusion, there for all to see.
And sometimes? It makes me laugh when I see your reaction.

"Knowing that I've become mighty.

"Inside my mind? There is a freak that drives me on past all defeat.
You'll never have, you can't instill........... The power of my iron will."

~ + ~

'I'll never see any side of heaven. I'll walk for miles through a blazin' hell
It doesn't matter what you think I'm supposed to be...'Cause I myself know all too well.

"I'll open your eyes and make you see. I'm the king of my world.

"I'll break down the walls around you now

"My mind alone is filled with rage for you. I am the pastor to your sheep.
I am the master of my destiny...... iAm the king/queen of all iSee."

"...here comes the raYne again..."

~ + ~

Can't save you - nuttin, yeah - you'll see.
Uhh, I think they know who we are.
You think you know me? Know who we are?
Look at me - I'm lookin at you, (wo)man.
We comin' for these kids...

Ey yo, yeah, I break down walls, take down walls. Swing baseball bats at you, I hate y'all
If they brawl? We brawl, bring the heat y'all... Bite they face off, I'mma eatch'all, defeat y'all
I'm a wild man, heavy metal hardrocker, Death before dishonor, I got'cha, Rugged Man drop ya.
Ain't no peace here, there's beef here. There ain't no man that we fear. You got beef? We be here.

The most violent, unstoppable, crazy, crusty, Ugly, my mother doesn't trust me
I walk with a sickness, slash you break you. Take you, throw you on the floor, duct tape you
I'm a monster, bone-crusher, dome-splitter. We throw wit'cha, you roll thick? We roll thicker
Human Rottweiler, rip your ribcage out. We flip out, let the rage out, we insane now.
The headbanger, body banger, body breaker. Rhyme wrecker, manslaughter, manslayer.
Step into the darkness, we sneak through, if we see you?

We gon' beat kill you,
This is what we do.

|right now|

~ + ~

"Do you remember me? You can't see the things that make me who I am/iAm

"You'll never understand.

"The friend you had in me? You turned on so easily
I'm sad to see you go.... At least now I know.

"That I gotta keep movin', you're livin' off my sweat. Movin'... the devil's on my back.
And these are the days that I dreamed about. And you're always there to remind me...

"And iSee clearly now. You tried to bleed me.
AND I SEE CLEARLY NOW... You tried to feed on me.

"AND YOU'RE MY....Enemy. All that we had has gone away
There are times that fade away. But you'll still be my enemy."




"You are here because the outside world rejects you. THIS is your family. I am/iAm your father/mother. I want you all to become full members of the Foot.

"There is a new enemy."

#ForWeAreMany

~ + ~

"Sir... I have as much right to be here as your paying customers. In fact, moreso. Where I come from, I'm a legend. An icon. A GOD. Where I come from sir... I AM God. For what I have seen, I've either taken... or destroyed. I have the power to create... and kill. I can do what I want, when I want, wherever the hell I please. And nobody, especially not some bottom-feeding, scum-sucking, minimum wage earning son-of-a-BITCH such as yourself is going to take that away from me. If I wanted to, I could have this entire place brought down to its foundation in a matter of minutes.

"And sir... I really don't think you want to see that happen."

~Reeve. Fucking. Gordon.

~ + ~

Agent Smith: Did you know that the first Matrix was designed to be a perfect human world? Where none suffered, where everyone would be happy. It was a disaster. No one would accept the program. Entire crops were lost. Some believed we lacked the programming language to describe your perfect world. But I believe that, as a species, human beings define their reality through suffering and misery.

"The perfect world was a dream that your primitive cerebrum kept trying to wake up from."

~ + ~

Morpheus: I imagine that right now, you're feeling a bit like Alice. Hmm? Tumbling down the rabbit hole?

Neo: You could say that.

Morpheus: I see it in your eyes. You have the look of a man who accepts what he sees because he is expecting to wake up. Ironically, that's not far from the truth. Do you believe in fate, Neo?

Neo: No.

Morpheus: Why not?

Neo: Because I don't like the idea that I'm not in control of my life.

Morpheus: I know *exactly* what you mean. Let me tell you why you're here. You're here because you know something. What you know you can't explain, but you feel it. You've felt it your entire life, that there's something wrong with the world. You don't know what it is, but it's there, like a splinter in your mind, driving you mad. It is this feeling that has brought you to me. Do you know what I'm talking about?

Neo: The Matrix.

Morpheus: Do you want to know what it is?

Neo: Yes.

Morpheus: The Matrix is everywhere. It is all around us. Even now, in this very room. You can see it when you look out your window or when you turn on your television. You can feel it when you go to work... when you go to church... when you pay your taxes. It is the world that has been pulled over your eyes to blind you from the truth.

Neo: What truth?

Morpheus: That you are a slave, Neo. Like everyone else you were born into bondage. Into a prison that you cannot taste or see or touch.

"A prison for your mind."

~ + ~

Cypher: You know, I know this steak doesn't exist. I know that when I put it in my mouth, the Matrix is telling my brain that it is juicy and delicious. After nine years, you know what I realize?

[Takes a bite of steak]

"iGNORANCE is blYss."

~ + ~

Neo: Why do my eyes hurt?

Morpheus: You've never used them before.

|open your eyes|

~ + ~

raYne: iAm who iAm, iWas BORN THIS WAY!!

Ally: And I Am who I am.

~ + ~

Agent Smith: You're empty.

Mr. Anderson: So are you.

~ + ~

Agent Smith: You hear that Mr. Anderson?... That is the sound of inevitability... It is the sound of your death... Goodbye, Mr. Anderson...

Neo: My name... is Neo.

~ + ~

Trinity: Neo... nobody has ever done this before.

Neo: ....That's why it's going to work.

~ + ~

"Neo, I'm not afraid anymore. The Oracle told me that I would fall in love and that that man... the man that I loved would be The One. So you see, you can't be dead. You can't be... because I love you. You hear me? I love you....

"NOW GET UP!!"

~T.

~ + ~

"I know you're out there. I can feel you now. I know that you're afraid... you're afraid of us. You're afraid of Change. I don't know the future. I didn't come here to tell you how this is going to end. I came here to tell you how it's going to begin. I'm going to hang up this phone, and then I'm going to show these people what you don't want them to see.

"I'm going to Show them a world without you. A world without rules and controls, without borders or boundaries. A world where anything is possible.

"Where we go from there is a choice I leave to you."

~N.

~ + ~

"If you make yourself more than just a man, if you devote yourself to an ideal, you become something else entirely. Are you ready to begin?"

~ Ra's al Ghoul

~ + ~

"When I was a little girl... my mother spoke of a prophecy. Of a time when all the world would be covered in darkness, and the fate of all of mankind would be decided... One night, I finally got the courage to ask my mother why God had changed.

"...why he was so angry with his children...

" 'I don't know,' she said as she tucked the covers around my head...


" 'I guess he just got tired of all the bullshit.' "

~ + ~

"I used to believe. I used to imagine the world was a beautiful place, that all we had to do was work together, believe in the power of love, to trust one another, and we could all be better...that the world could be a better place.

"iUsed to 'Believe'.


"But then? I woke up."

~R.



#IveAwakenFromADeepSleep | #TheKingOfAllYouSee | #RIPAllyCat

#rUready? | #bPrepared | #WhenItRains? | #ItPours


"The impossible is possible...Believe in me, as I believe in you...Tonight."

~Billy Corgan




C://_2.B.Continued

















"My earliest memories are not of anything specific-- they're more like memories of feelings, as opposed to events... abandonment... loneliness... sadness. They say our destiny is formed in these earliest moments. That our fate is determined at this critical juncture. The chosen begin their path towards greatness, the ill-fated are doomed from the beginning. The unfortunate devour themselves searching for annihilation.

"You see; we are all prisoners of our own nature, locked into certain patterns of behavior. I could no sooner change the path that I've been placed upon, than I could stop a swallow from migrating... or a salmon from spawning. So it is written, so it shall come to pass."


Quoth The Showman?

No more.


"For those about to rock? Set the clock."

"All know the way; few actually walk it." ~Bodhidharma

#IveBeenWaitingForThisMomentAllMyAfterLife

#CanYouFeelIt?

#ItBegins

#2Nite

|never send a rain storm to do a showman's job|










|ask him|