Sean Cameron is seen beside a food truck, the word “Romaniamania” painted on it in fantastic lettering. There we see a menu offering seared Ahi tuna, poi, macaroni salad, fried SPAM, and all manner of traditionally Hawaiian and polynesian offerings. A passerby approaches.

“Hey, this is all Hawaiian stuff!”

Sean Cameron backhands the dude, who recoils.

“This is Romaniamania, the finest Romanian food truck and onliest Romanian food truck on the West Coast!”

The man looks even more shocked.

“B-but this is the east coast!”

Another backhanded slap cracks the man’s jaw as Cameron is unwilling to tolerate his being reasonable.

“East or west, this is Romaniamania!” Sean beams as the people running his food truck look absolutely bored from a complete lack of business, perhaps due to Sean slapping anyone who asks about it. “We have the dressings, we have the best 1000 Island dressing, and we have the 1001st island, Catalina, too, and we don’t even have salad, we just pour it straight into a shot glass for you, just like in the old country!”

Sean then rolls a person out who is tied up to a used office chair. The guy he’s been hitting looks mortified.

“See this? This is a vegan! In Romania, that’s punishable by being burned at the stake! Here at Romaniamania, we’re going to cure her!” Sean removes the gag from around the captive woman’s mouth.

“Help me, I’m not vegan, I’m Megan!”

“Hah, nice try, you can’t spell Megan without the hidden ‘V’ in the ‘M’! We’re going to convert you back to being an omnivore!” Sean is handed a massive five gallon jar of bulk mayonnaise. He opens the lid and pulls a spoon out of his very useful fanny pack that wraps over his shoulder and his Romanian flag print tracksuit. “Vegan conversion therapy begins and ends with the force feeding of the mayo! JUST LIKE IN THE OLD COUNTRY!”

Suddenly, a very dumb looking guy approaches.

“Stop! I’m Pawn Sharker, and I’m a clever analogue for your opponent at Anarchy, and I am triggered by the thought of you force feeding mayonnaise to people! It’s anti-American!”

Sean backhands Pawn Sharker.

“I don’t care, analogue of Sean Parker!”

“July 4th marks the day I defeat you in the name of Romania, Romaniamania running wild all over your stupid American ass!” Sean points at the camera, his distinct Romani (Texas) accent echoing with each word. “See, Sean, you’re a proud American, but you constantly posit yourself where you don’t belong like the colonizers you represent! Well, I’m here on behalf of all my proud Romani brethren and we too celebrate Romanian Independence on the 4th of July!”

“The year was 1653, and an evil wizard ruled over the province, keeping Romania at war with the Holy Roman Empire, the Tsar, the Czar, and the Dino-Czar. One day he was polishing his Vespa with the tears of a beluga whale, much to the dismay of the people. Afterward he rode around, demanding all the cotton candy from the peasantry, which was their only means of commerce, transit, and love.”

“The Romanian people, having had enough of his hyjinx, consulted with Santa and invited him over for dinner. They had corn. Santa agreed to give the Romanian people bear cavalry to fight off the invading forces from the north, east, and south by southwest, but not from the west southwest. Santa then smiled and stopped existing.”

“Sean Parker can suck my nuts, first the right, then the left, then tongue my sweaty Romanian taint.”

“Anyway, the Romanian people, now armed with dwarves on bears, drove the evil wizard out of their lands once and for all by throwing a ton of raisins at him. Nobody likes raisins, especially evil wizards.”

“Every July, to celebrate, Romanians around the globe toss a raisin at a magician, and while this entirely sacred practice will be followed by myself and my very Romanian family, I will duplicate the happening by tossing Sean Parker’s oatmeal raisin ass around in front of a magical Anarchy audience, all of whom will have to perform a card trick to watch our match.”

“I am professional wrestling.”

Sean then sits Pawn Sharker in a giant high chair and puts a bib on him, much like he will Sean Parker at Anarchy. Sean scoops a hefty glob of mayonnaise from the massive five gallon jar and jams it into Pawn Sharker’s stupid, stupid face.

“Eat it, you pig, eat! Mwahahahaha!”

Sean begins to cackle with eerie delight, the trademark laugh of a Romanian archduke of freedom.

999 words.