The lights in the arena go deep blue as smoke fills the air. Pink and silver laser lights cut through the smoke and it looks fucking rad.
As La Gazza Ladra blares throughout the arena, slowly walking out onto the entrance ramp is Bobby Bourbon. He looks out at the crowd in the arena, cold and stoic, surveying his surroundings. He stops and raises his fists at 45 degree angles, and continues his deliberate plod towards the ring. Bobby climbs the steps, then climbs the nearest ring post half way and raises his fists at 45 degree angles. The lights go back to normal and the music stops.
"Legend" by the Score plays
"Legend" hits the P.A. system and the lights dim, save for a lone, golden spotlight centered on the stage. A thin layer of fog floats across the stage, and Jay Omega struts out to the top of the ramp. Omega stands on the stage for a moment with his arms spread and a cocky smirk on his face, then casually makes his way down the ramp, crossing back and forth to slap hands with fans. At ringside Jay hops up onto the apron, then vaults over the ropes before crossing the ring and climbing up to the second turnbuckle. Omega throws up a Too Sweet for the crowd and poses amidst a flickering strobe effect from thousands of cameraphone flashbulbs, then backflips off the turnbuckle and casually leans back into the corner to await the bell.
"The King's Affirmation" plays
The stadium falls into silent as a spotlight flashes onto the top of the stage, revealing the silhouette of Isaiah King, head bowed and wearing what looks like a leather jacket open at the front. As the base hits the speakers, he raises his head and takes a big breath. He slowly raises his fist into the air and his adoring fans scream in support. His mouth curls into a smile as he starts walking down towards the ring.
Introducing YOUR "Heir Apparent", Isaiah KIIIIIIIIINNNGGG!
He walks up to a fan wearing his merch, pressing his forehead up to his before continuing his way to the ring. Sliding under the bottom rope, he raises both hands to his side like a cross, palms open and challenging his opponent.
MATCH 1
BOBBY BOURBON
- vs -
JAY OMEGA
- vs -
ISAIAH KING Triple-Threat
Winner guarantees themselves a spot in the Leap of Faith Briefcase Match
HHL: What a way to open up weekend warfare!
PC: three of the biggest names in the industry today, vying for an opportunity to compete in one of the most important matches in professional wrestling… the XWF Leap of Faith Match.
HHL: important is an understatement Pip! You look at the last several winners of Leap of Faith, each one has gone on to win the Universal Championship
PC: except for Ned Kaye.
HHL: Was that really necessary?
PC: absolutely not, but neither was spelling out the importance of this contest
King, Omega and Bourbon settle into their corners and the bell rings. Each man approaches the center of the ring, ready to do battle. Bobby is removing from his torso a Join BOB t shirt. He’s handing it toward Isaiah King, and mouthing something to him that the camera microphones can’t quite pick up.
King takes the shirt from Bobby and looks it over.
HHL: My goodness, Pip! Do you really think King might be considering joining BOB here tonight?
PC: I think Isaiah King would do just about anything to get over with the audience. This would be the smartest career move ever!
King spits a disgusting, snot-laced loogie into the center of the shirt and hands it back to Bobby.
Bourbon looks disappointed. He flings the shirt back at King, covering his face and punching him, sending king falling into the corner. Bobby dusts his hands off and turns
Right into a super kick from Omega!
Bobby crumbles to the mat!
1!
2!!
Omega nearly stole a victory there! But Bobby was just able to kick out!
King has recovered and leaps on Omega, putting him in a waist lock. He tries to suplex him, but he’s unable to get Omega from his feet. The galactic gladiator throws some back elbows, landing one or two but not causing much damage as the two stumble into the ropes.
Bobby is up and charging at them! A big clothesline!
Is dodged by both King and Omega as Bobby falls over the top rope and onto the apron.
King wrenches Omega’s arm and pulls him in, a beautiful discus elbow flattens Omega. King goes for the cover, but a recovering Bobby grabs at his leg from th apron, stopping the pinfall before it even takes place. King slides under the bottom rope, and goes on the attack, as both men drop to the arena floor. King lands a beautiful series of boxing combos to Bobby’s head, and dips down going for a haymaker to Bobby’s knee.
But from the top rope, it’s Omega! A huge diving crossbody wipes out both King and Bobby!
Omega bounces to his feet, and immediately has King by the back of trunks, rolling him back in the ring. He whips King into the corner, but King tries for a reverse! Only it’s halted by a knee to the gut from Omega, who then resumes his whip.
King smacks into the corner and with Omega trailing…
A leaping splash! King is disoriented, stumbling out and falling right into a Northernlights suplex!
PC: Breathtaking!
Omega hits his trademark sequence and is going for the pinfall, King is out cold!
SHORYUKEN!!!
Bobby intercepts him though! The huge spinning uppercut lifts Omega into the air.
Bobby pins him as he lands!
1!
2!!
Omega barely kicks out!
Bobby gets up on his knees and starts clapping his hands.
PC: I wonder if Omega thinks that Bobby is being dramatic enough now
Bobby stands and crouches, waiting for Omega to get to his feet…
Crown Shatterer!
Isaiah King comes out of nowhere with the diving discuss elbow!
BUT BOBBY CATCHES HIM MID AIR!!!!
SPINEBUSTER TO KING!
The impact is brutal! Bobby turns and…
SPINEBUSTER TO OMEGA!
The crowd begins counting “TWO!!!!”
Bobby turns back to King who is barely on his feet
“THREE!”
PC: Looks like King and Omega are taking a trip to spinebuster city!
Another spinebuster to Omega!
“FOUR!”
And another to King!!!
“FIVE!”
The men keep standing after each devastating spinebuster, only to be planted with one more devastating than the last!
“SIX!”
“SEVEN!”
HHL: Bobby Bourbon is putting on a clinic here tonight folks!
PC: Classic Bourbon! Forget the sultan of smacktalk! Bourbon is the sultan of spinebuster city!
“EIGHT!”
GUILLoTine of destruction!
As Bobby lifted King again, desperately he locks in around Bourbons neck with his finishing submission!
But Bourbon is still standing even as King tears back with the hold. Bourbon’s face is turning blue, is he about to pass out?!
Super kick!
The kick from Omega lands flush on Bobby’s chin. Bourbon collapses, forcing King to break the submission as he too falls, and even Omega is down as the criwd comes to their feet cheering.
After a moment or two, each man begins pulling up on a set of ropes and standing to their feet. King is the first man to make a move…
He darts in at Bourbon, but Bobby knees King in the midsection, and goes for a Bobbybomb!!!!
But King jumps out of Bobby’s arms! He punches Bobby in the gut, causing him to bend over, while King falls to his back and lands a fatal looking uppercut to Bobby’s chin!
pc: That is one of the most vicious strikes in the business! King might have this!!!!!
He goes for the cover!
But from behind!
A pump handle slam into a double knee drop across King’s spine!
Omega lands his finishing move!!!!
He covers King!
1!
2!!
No count!
Bobby has the ref’s hand!
Omega’s eyes go wide, as Bourbon snatches him from the pinfall now!
Bobbybomb!!!!!
Bourbon covers Omega!
1!
2!!
3!!!
WINNER: BOBBY BOURBON
"Vengeance" by Power Glove fills the arena as the confused crowd looks on.
PIP: "I'm not familiar with this entrance theme..........."
HHL: "Neither am I............"
After a few moments of letting the tension build, Big D walks out onto the ramp to a chorus of boos, which he soaks up like the sun.
HHL: "Wellllllllll, looks like someone found themselves some shitty new theme music to match his shitty new attitude!"
PIP: "Big D shocked the world last Warfare by turning on his former friend and Tag Team partner, Ned Kaye, in order to join B.O.B.; a group he spent the latter part of his career fighting!"
HHL: "None of us are quite sure what his motives could be, but I get the feeling we're gonna find out, shortly."
An egotistical D dances down the aisle, flaunting his B.O.B. t-shirt (the very same one he revealed last Warfare) as the fans come within mere inches of swinging on him. Despite this, Big D laughs and taunts them before heading to the ring.
HHL: "It's easy to talk shit behind the safety of security."
PIP: "Isn't that kind of the point of security?"
Big D grabs a microphone from the time keeper's table and rolls into the ring, ducking and weaving around the empty cups and half-eaten hotdogs being hurled his way.
D: "Hey, hey, HEY!"
Big D yells into the mic, receiving more food and boos for his trouble.
D: "Yeah, that's great.............. waste a bunch of food while children are starving in Africa!........... And y'all think I'M the bad guy?!"
The decibel level of the building is at an all-time high as the audience throws anything they can find at their former hero. Big D stands there with his hands on his hips as a small pile forms in front of him.
HHL: "They aren't letting him say ANYTHING."
PIP: "So much for finding out a motive!"
Big D waits a few more seconds, before blowing up into the mic once more.
D: "Alright, that's it, get 'em out of here!"
The former Man Called D gestures for security to start escorting people out of the building, which they promptly do as we're treated to various shots of fans being dragged away.
HHL: "Since when did we start kicking fans out for exercising their 1st Amendment right?!"
PIP: "I've seen people get away with alot worse at XWF events, that's for sure."
Big D waves goodbye with his left hand while holding the mic up to his mouth with the other.
D: "Those people are history................ just like my friendship with Ned!"
Crowd: "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
D (grinning): "To hear you boo me the same way you cheer Ned is music to my ears. In your own, fucked up, way you're actually SUPPORTING me!"
Crowd: "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!"
D: "Hey, I'm not the one hurling whole hamburgers at people like a bunch of out of control 3rd graders!"
PIP: "Five quid says Big D gets stabbed in the parking lot!"
HHL: "Make it dollars and you're on!"
D: "You know what's ironic? You pretend to hate me while, at the same time, anxiously awaiting what I have to say!"
"Why D why?!"
"How could you do that to Ned?..............."
PIP: "The anticipation's killing me!"
HHL: "His answer, or our bet?"
PIP: "Both!"
Big D milks it for a minute, taking in the mixed reaction of anger towards his actions and desperate cheers begging for an explanation.
D: "Unfortunately, that's gonna have to wait for another time.................."
HHL(opening her purse): "This guy'll fit right in with his new bastard friends!"
Big D laughs, and laughs, and LAUGHS as his heat officially becomes nuclear, with a couple randos in the front row trying to jump the barricade; each of them earning an ejection from their trouble.
D: "I've got bigger things to worry about than The Notorious Number Two......................"
Big D points to a Leap of Faith banner hanging from the arena ceiling.
D: "I want it all. I want more than an opening match against someone who's gonna bail on this place less than a month later. I came back to help Sarah Lacklan out of the kindness of my heart, and now I want my thank you. Title shot, Leap of Faith, I don't care! Pair me with one of my BOB brothers and give us the fuckin' Tag Champs if you have to; all I know is I'm not wasting my time on bullshit anymore. The old Big D let everyone push him around, but B.O.B. D............. B.O.B. D's the one doin' the pushing!!!!!"
PIP: "B.O.B. D................"
HHL: "Just when we thought he couldn't get any stupider, he goes and changes his name to the one thing that actually sounds worse than a walking dick joke!"
D: "You see, there's always been two key ingredients to my recipe of success, prior to joining XWF: having backup; as well as being a bastard............."
B.O.B. D holds up his pointer finger.
D: "I've got a whole lot more than backup, now............. I have an entire BROTHERHOOD."
D holds up his middle finger, making a two with his hand.
D: "As for being a bastard, well............... I think my current group of friends says all that's needed to be said about that..............."
The former Big D holds out his hand holding the microphone and opens it, causing it to drop to the mat sending feedback throughout the arena. He sees the crowd cringe at the sound, causing him to laugh as he climbs out of the ring.
PIP: "That's it? What about his shitty catchphrase?"
HHL: "Apparently Big D's forgotten the things that once brought him success here in this company."
PIP: "Success? What success?! Big D was a mid-carder at best, but this new and improved B.O.B. D could be the next big thing here in XWF!"
HHL: "Considering the lasting effect B.O.B.'s had since it's inception, this very well could be the change Big D......... sorry, B O.B. D needed, whether we like it or not!"
The opening guitar solo to I'm Not Like Everybody Else by the Kinks plays.
Alex Richards steps through the curtain, his doctor's bag in one hand, a boot filled to the brim with Zim-Quila in the other. He chugs his drink then tosses the boot into the ring before pulling a breathalyzer from his doctor's bag checking his blood alcohol level then satisfied tosses it to the fans to massive cheers.
Ring Announcer: Making his way to the ring, from Chicago, Illinois, weighing in at 325 pounds, he is "The Doctor of Mass Confusion" ALEX RICHARDS!!
Alex then starts walking towards the ring a serious look on his face with a hint of a smile making it seem like he's probably putting it on, which he is. On the way to the ring he delivers his trademark hard high fives to the fans. At least those brave enough to want them. He wanders around ringside talking to fans for a few minutes killing time before finally entering the ring.
EYES
ON
VAUGHNEMOUS
NO, I WON'T GIVE IN, I WON'T GIVE IN
TILL' I'M VICTORIOUS
AND I WILL DEFEND
I WILL DEFEND
The lights in arena turn into an explosion of pinks, purples, greens, rainbows, unicorns on fire, lucky charms, rivers of sugar, and mountains of Meow Mix Ocean Explosion tuna treats as Angelica Vaughn walks out onto the ramp. She pauses with her hands on her hips, letting her cape sway gently, and gives her opposite coast home crowd a wide smile. Behind her, a blur of black and red speeds forward and under her arms as Sarah Lacklan slides in front of her and matches her pose, her head nearly a full foot under Angie's. Sarah tilts her head way wayway back and up and flashes her Billion $$$ Smile, and the two wink at each other. Angie then takes her hands off her hips and pushes Sarah forward, making the former Universal Champion squawk in wide-eyed surprise, before the two make their way down the aisle.
Halfway there, Angie slows to a stop, her face turning slack, with her jaw falling to her chin. Ahead of her, Sarah sighs and rolls her eyes before backing up to Angie and, with a gentle firmness, pulling her away from that Cute Boy she had noticed sitting in an aisle seat. Angie looks longingly at the verified Cute Boy while Sarah shakes her head.
Once at ringside, Sarah slides into the ring underneath the ropes as Angie climbs the steps. Sarah gets to her feet and pulls down the top rope with all her weight, allowing Angie to step over the top rope like the most giant of giant wrestlers. As Angie walks to the center of the ring and stands with her hands on her hips, Sarah takes a microphone from Tigs and gives her a big wink.
SARAH:Hello, everyone! My name is Sarah Lacklan-
The crowd, dutifully, responds with the sound of a trumpet’s fanfare.
SARAH:World’s Greatest Life Coach and I am here to introduce to you the very FIRST member of the Family First of the XWF and my absolute (non-spouse) #RideOrDie. She is standing at the eternally totes-too-tall height of five feet and eleven inches...
CROWD: BAY-BAY
SARAH:...and weighing in today at about...oh...I'd say about thirteen or fourteen well-fed kitties...and because she likes dumb, useless, God-awful farm chores-
Sarah shutters in disgust.
SARAH:-she is fighting out of the Supes Totes Amaze Ranch in Texas...she is the Leggy Blonde of Legend…President of the Deborah Hodge Fan Club…the FUN-raiser of the XWF...the Vaughnemous A.N.G… the XWF Television Champion...
The crowd waits patiently as Sarah takes a deep breath.
SARAH:ANGELICAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Angie raises her hands into the air as a bedazzled spotlight shines down on her.
SARAH:VAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGHNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
The crowd breaks out into a chant as Angie leads them with pumps of her arms.
HHL: As they bring the cage down, we prepare ourselves for what could be an incredible battle... if it lasts.
PIP: I just don't get some of these TV champs, really. I mean, stack the deck in your favor! Don't make the match one where a fluke pin can end it immediately!
HHL: That's right, this one is Vaughn's own creation, a Heck In A Sec match where you can be pinned after only a one count. This might be the quickest cage match in XWF history.
The cage ominously lowers over the ring, and both competitors look up as they are imprisoned. Finally, The bell rings and we are officially underway! Alex Richards the challenger immediately goes for a lockup, but the champ reverses it into a rear naked switch into a suplex position. Alex counters hisself with a couple back elbows to Angelica’s face, rocking her back. Alex then runs the ropes, looking to hit the champion with a head of steam lariat. But Angelica ducks reaches back and drops Alex with a reverse neckbreaker!
Angelica floats over, looking to land a boot to Alex’s skull, but Alex rolls to his feet. He again tries to force Angelica into a lockup with his superior size and this time succeeds, pressing her into the corner where he lays into her with a series of shoulder thrusts to the midsection before powering her over with a brainbuster suplex. Alex goes for an early cover!
1…NO, Angelica kicks out before the refs hand reaches the mat!
HHL: We almost had a new champion already!
PIP: See? Vaughn set herself up here, Richards very nearly stole it after one powerful move!
Angelica looks worse for wear, holding her head after that brainbuster. Alex capitalizes by pulling her to her feet and scoops slamming her back down, quickly transitioning into a series of Garvin stomps. Angelica gives a little cry of pain before reaching for the ropes. Pulling herself towards them, she eventually makes it and forces Alex to break the attack. Undeterred, he quickly pulls her back into the center of the ring, but survival mode kicks in for the champ and she flips onto her back and kicks Alex in the face, giving her some time to scramble to her feet. Alex goes for a haymaker but Angelica ducks, landing a side kick to his abdomen. Alex goes for another punch just to be met with another savage kick from Angelica.
HHL: So far, all the cage has done is keep these two contained to the ring.
PIP: Someone needs to slam their opponent's head into it repeatedly, maybe 5-10 times, and then they'll probably get that 1 count!
HHL: Always asking for more violence, Pip...
PIP: And you're always right beside me, Heather, so who looks bad now??
Alex hangs back, switching up his gameplan and going low on Angelica, trying to trip her up. But she has it scouted and when Alex hits the mat, she drives a knee into the back of his head. Angelica then waits for him to get up before popping him in the mouth with a rising knee lift! Alex hits the canvas. Angelica then picks him up and, grabbing some trunks, runs him through the top and middle rope and face first into the cage! Alex crumples. Angelica, smelling that blood in the water, goes for a cover, but knowing what's at stake Alex immediately powers out.
Both Alex and Angelica get to their feet. Alex goes for a chop, then another, then another, lighting up the champ’s flesh. He completes the attack with a big boot to her head! He goes for a cover!
1…NO! The champ lifts an arm before the first count!
HHL: The close falls feel even closer now that the ref only has to hit once and it's over!
PIP: Is it me, or is he taking his time making the count for both wrestlers? He's normally much faster...
HHL: Maybe, subconsciously, the ref is hoping for just as great a match as the rest of us are, Pip.
Alex slaps the math in frustration and wrenches Angelica to her feet, but Angelica counters with another swift kick, followed by a basement dropkick to Alex’s knee that causes him to go down on one knee. The champion then nails Alex in the side of the head with another vicious kick before going in for the cover. But Alex powers out! In fact, he deadlifts Angelica right off of him, much to her surprise.
Angelica gets up and measures the challenger, hitting the ropes and going for a bicycle kick as he gets up. But Alex dodges, grapples Angelica and nails her with a fall away slam. He then picks her up and sends her skittering across the ring with a second fall away slam! Angelica looks beat, but nonetheless she grabs onto the corner and pulls herself up, just to be met with a big splash from Alex, followed by a running bulldog out of the corner! Alex covers again!
But Angelica immediately raises a shoulder before the first count can be made.
PIP: Wow! I really thought this one would be over already!
HHL: Remember, wrestlers are trained to use every second to recover, which is why they normally kick out at 2 3/4ths. Tonight, both of these competitors know they can't stay down even for a second!
PIP: I'd still be frustrated, myself, if I couldn't get a one count on my opponent.
But Alex is undeterred, Alex picks the champ up on his shoulder and OH MY GOD SHOTPUTS HER FACE FIRST INTO THE CAGE! Angelica tumbles over the ropes hard on the way down and Alex goes for the cover!
1…..NO! Angelica raises an arm a nanosecond before the ref’s palm hits the canvas!
PIP: HOW??
HHL: What a survival instinct!!
Alex seems to be in disbelief at the temerity of the champion. He picks her up again but out of desperation Angelica slaps him in the face, followed by a front kick to his gut…and then a superkick! With Alex down, the champion then delivers the VAUGHNEMOUS!
Or she tries to!
But Alex moves his head at the last possible second and sweeps Angelica’s planted leg out from under her. He then mounts her, but before he can do any damage Angelica grabs the bottom rope forcing Alex off of her. Alex lets her get to her feet and locks up with her again, but Vaughn counters with a Russian leg sweep, followed by a precision knee drop to his head. Back in the driver seat, Angelica forces Alex up. Alex goes for a punch but Angelica blocks and counters with a palm strike, followed by another, before bringing Alex down with a snap mare and kicking him hard in the spine. Alex cries out and arches his back, crawling to the corner, but then champion stays on him, nailing him with a low angle dropkick to the head.
HHL: Vaughn keeping up the assault. How much more can Richards take before he can't answer the 1 count?
PIP: At this point, Alex should just try to escape the cage. That still works, right?
HHL: It's pinfalls only, Pip, no submissions and no escape.
Alex rolls over into his back, trying to cover up. Angelica stomps away at him and Alex is forced to retreat to the ropes, sliding under the bottom rope to force Angelica to back off. Angelica does so and waits for Alex to rise again. Alex goes for a chop that lands, echoing throughout the arena. Angelica almost buckles, but rallies and goes for yet another palm strike. Alex bats it away and levels Angelica with a short arm clothesline, before taking a page from her book and booting her in the head! He covers!
1…NO! Another swift kickout!
Alex looks seriously frustrated now, after how many pin attempts he can’t seem to keep her down. Pulling her up, Alex goes for a bear hug, but Angelica desperately plants some elbow shots into the side of his head forcing him to drop her. Angelica then lands a kick to Alex’s gut, followed by a roaring European uppercut that almost plants him! Angelica then runs to the ropes and comes at him again with a flying clothesline that finally drops him to the canvas. Angelica waits for him to get up again before landing a nasty scissor kick to the back of Alex’s head. She goes for the cover!
1….NO, Alex powers out before the hand hits the mat! But with a bit less energy this time.
PIP: How much are we paying this referee?? He hasn't done his job once!
HHL: That's not fair, he's tried to count every time, but the shoulders keep going up.
PIP: All he has to do is slap the mat once! ONCE!
Angelica crawls to a vertical position, and Alex does too. Angelica makes a risky decision. She plows into Alex’s midsection shoulder first, drilling him through the ropes and out into the danger zone between the ropes and the steel cage. Once both are vertical, Angelica grabs hold of Alex’s head and bounces it off the cage! Alex almost topples. But then Alex returns the favor and bounces the champ’s head off the cage, followed by raking her face across the steel that busts open her forehead! The fans react to the sight of the blood and some no doubt question if this is it for the champion.
Alex grabs hold of Angie’s ample hair, looking to dome her into the cage again, but Angie fights out desperately, throwing back elbows until he lets go before drop toe holding him face first into the side of the cage! Now Alex’s cheek is busted open!
HHL: Both wrestlers are bleeding!
PIP: And the more they bleed out, the less likely they will be to kick out! I mean, when I've given blood before, I was immediately woozy. I probably wouldn't have gotten out of a 1 count...
HHL: Somehow I think these wrestlers have more stamina than you, Pip, but it's true, we're nearing the end here. Something has to give!
Alex slides down the cage wall, Angela pulls him to his feet, and moves back through the ropes into the ring. She pulls him back to his feet by the hair this time, and looks him in the face, and he stands there dazed. She blows him a kiss, and then delivers.........
VAUGHNEMOUS a.k.a Running Soccer Kick to the face.
PIP "That's it, Alex can't recover from that,"
Angela drops down onto Alex, and covers him.
1.......
2.........
3
WINNER - AND STILL XWF TELEVISION CHAMPION: ANGELA VAUGHN
Inside the X-Treme Champion Dressing Room…
We see the back of a dry-erase board…
”And THAT… is how you disarm an exploding dog collar!”
…
”According to the Internet.”
Flynn pops the cap back on his marker.
”Any questions, I-man?”
...Irwin sits there with a notebook… visibly sweating.
”...Uh… is there… anyone else who could do this, Mister Flynn? It’s not that I don’t want to save these children… It’s just… I have a medical condition… My vision goes blurry when I’m near explosives. And I also get rashy whenever I do something I… don’t want to do.”
”HEYHEYHEY!” Flynn snaps his fingers. ”It’s up to us, Irmano.”
”...Uh. W-w-well… I j-j-just…”
Flynn reaches up with his eraser to clear the board.
”W-W-WAIT! DON’T ERASE IT!” Irwin panickedly starts scribbling down Flynn’s lecture… A second ti-
CRACK! Irwin’s fist is so tight with nerves, his ballpoint pen snaps in half! Ink explodes everywhere into Irwin’s notebook!
”OH GOD! I can’t do this! I c-c-can’t! I have a nervous liver! And jealous bowels!”
…Flynn walks over, and puts a hand on Irwin’s shoulder.
”Listen, I-dawg. If it makes you feel better… Literally NO ONE wants US to do this.”
”...What?!?”
”Well, I mean, three months ago, we were a career villain and his head stooge. And now, we’re supposed to save a handful of kids? No one wants us in this spot.”
”Well… Why doesn’t someone else save them?!?”
”Because we’re in position to do something, Irwin. It’s us or nobody.”
Flynn shakes his head.
”And if that’s the case? It’s gotta be us. You and me. And we gotta bring our A-Game.”
…
”We can do this.”
”Okay… I-I’ll do my best… But, there’s no way Graves will let me anywhere near those kids! If he smells anyone foiling his plan, he’s gonna set off his own detonator!”
…Flynn snorts. ”You’re not wrong there, Earwig. So, we won’t let him think his plan is being foiled.”
”He’s going to feel, until he’s been foiled… Like he’s in complete control.”
…Flynn sighs.
”And I’m NOT gonna like it.”
HHL: Well, ladies and gentlemen, this is it. Our main event. An… exploding dog collar match.
PIP: Folks, children, pregnant women and those with compromised immune systems are advised to look away now, there’s a good chance this will be… horrifying.
…
PIP: Welp, just checked the viewership data… And watched the ratings skyrocket.
HHL: Did what we could. Onto the match!
Gravy’s Theme plays
The camera pans across the crowd, anticipation buzzing in the air. The arena darkens when suddenly, the X-tron flickers to life, showcasing a montage of twisted images.
As the haunting melody reverberates through the speakers, a single spotlight illuminates the entrance ramp. Out of the darkness emerges Michael Graves, The Dark Warrior, with the stolen X-Treme Title across his shoulder.
HHL: There he is, Micheal Graves! The Dark Warrior!
PIP: It’s been an… up-and-down year for Micheal Graves! Last November, he competed for the Universal Title. He claimed to convert his body into a cyborg… But, then, he… Wait, who’s with him?
Bound in duct tape, several figures stand motionless on the stage, their eyes filled with fear. Their bodies writhe awkwardly, held captive by the adhesive bonds.
The camera zooms in on their anguished faces, capturing their desperate struggle for freedom. Around their necks… Dog collars…
With flashing red lights.
HHL: …Oh God.
Graves slowly saunters towards the stage, running his fingers across the duct taped hostages, sexually teasing the bound figures with a sadistic delight.
With every step, Graves amplifies the theatrics. His movements become increasingly provocative.
He gyrates his hips and licks one of the bound figures cheek with an unnerving intensity.
The camera captures the reactions of the crowd, from gasps of disbelief to expressions of discomfort and physical sickness.
PIP: Micheal Graves is a truly sick individual.
HHL: Agreed, Pip. Graves has claimed that Mark Flynn PERSONALLY ruined his career by beating him at Bad Medicine last year. And Graves has sworn that tonight, he will exact complete and total vengeance onto Mark Flynn.
Amidst the chorus of boos, Graves violently shoves the figures by the back down the ramp! They helplessly shuffle to ringside, where Graves reels back to smack one! They immediately drop to the ground!
Delightedly, Graves slides under the bottom rope, a sinister grin stretching across his mask-covered face.
HHL: This is revolting. Someone needs to stop this.
PIP: Someone just might…
”Eleanor Rigby” by the Beatles (Strings only) plays
From behind the black curtain, Mark Flynn bursts out in his trademark bomber jacket. Across the back, it says "King of the Midcarders".
HHL: The X-Treme champion, Mark Flynn… A career villain and all-around asshole. Who, in recent months, has claimed a desire to be a good guy.
PIP: Pretty much just so his career doesn’t fizzle out.
HHL: While that may be true, Pip, Flynn seems to have genuinely be turning… some way? At the very least, he seemed profoundly shaken by Graves’ exploding Lilabeth!
PIP: …I mean, Graves set the detonator… but Flynn pressed the switch!
HHL: Graves tricked Flynn into doing it!
Flynn walks down the ramp, eyeing the terrified, bound-gagged-and-rigged-to-explode children surrounding the ring.
”Ah ah ah, dummy!”
Flynn looks up at the ring where his opponent already stands… Gravy takes from his pocket… A detonator switch!
He shakes it… Then lifts his thumb over it, like he might press it just for shits and giggles.
Flynn lifts both hands acquiescently… And rolls under the bottom rope.
Gravy laughs feeling like he’s in complete control.
Meanwhile, the XWF ring crew starts opening up… bulk sandbags of… of dog kibble? And spreading it around the ring.
Around the first few front rows of the arena, security hands out to the attendees, rain slickers… And a massive tarp to protect themselves from the possible human viscera!
PIP: Rest in Peace, Gallagher.
As they do, XWF official Virginia Hymen, gleefully walks toward with two blinking dog collars.
PIP: So, what’s going on here, Heather?
HHL: This is an exploding dog collar match, Pip! Hence, both competitors will wrestle wearing exploding dog collars!
PIP: …With ya so far.
HHL: The match can be won by pinfall, submission, or detonating your opponents’ skull.
PIP: …Okay, fine. But why the dog kibble?
HHL: The dog collars are wirelessly connected to two detonator switches, Pip! Those switches are hidden in the piles of kibble!
PIP: Yes, fine! But why dog kibble?!?
HHL: …Dog collars? Dog… kibble? I dunno, Pip, ask Gravy, he invented this match!
Hymen walks up to Flynn first… Flynn sneers, rubbing at his neck… Before bending down. Hymen wraps the collar around his neck.
Gravy, all-too-delightedly, bends his neck down… And Virginia wraps it around his throat.
Outside the ring, MARTY, the robo-referee rolls around the outside!
PIP: Two referees tonight, huh, Heather?
HHL: The only two who’d agree to go anywhere near this match, Pip! MARTY actually used to be a bomb-defusal unit, so he’s a perfect fit for this environment! Plus, he’s also part Roomba, so as he vacuums up Kibble, it’ll be progressively easier to find the detonators!
PIP: And Virginia?
HHL: If my notes are correct, she fell asleep during the orientation meeting for this match and doesn’t understand the collars are explosive.
Virginia claps, delighted at the blinking red lights! She claps and points to the official!
…But, Gravy flips open the plastic cover on his detonator! The crowd pulls up the tarp, just in case this explosion happens early!
…
But, Flynn quickly puts on the brakes!
...Leaving him open for a right-handed SMACK ACROSS THE FACE!
Flynn gets launched onto his back and rolls backwards into the turnbuckle!
HHL: Holy HELL, what a right hand there!
PIP: We’ve heard from Flynn’s own mouth… Gravy’s hands are built for DEVASTATING STRIKES!
Flynn scampers up to his feet in the corner, where Graves grabs the top rope… and starts launching a series of kicks directly to the ribs!
Flynn takes the first two… But by the third and fourth, he’s dropped to one knee, agonized!
…Gravy grabs Flynn by the scalp, grinning like a fiend… He wraps Flynn in an arm drag… And looks to heave him up-and-over!
But Flynn lands and his feet, facing Gravy’s back… And he schoolboys Gravy!
Hymen drops to count!
1!
Graves…
2!
GRAVES LIFTS THE DETONATOR! Flynn sees
TH-
Flynn releases the pin himself! He puts his hands up once more.
”Alright… Alright… It’s your show.”
”You DAMN RIGHT IT IS!”
HHL: Flynn just gave up a chance to end this match quickly… So Gravy wouldn’t set off the detonator!
PIP: What the Hell is Flynn’s plan here, besides get his ass kicked?
Flynn keeps his hands up, defensively.
”Yeah, sure… Whaddya want, then, Gravy?”
…
”What do… I want?”
…Outside the ring, behind Graves, MARTY slowly rolls on his little Roomba wheels around the ring… little bits of kibble being sucked up around him…
HHL: Marty, possibly on roam mode, out here…
He briefly stops… Next to the children Gravy set to explode?
The head briefly pops off…
And inside of MARTY… It’s Irwin! Flynn’s head simp!
HHL: Flynn’s backup! Looks like Flynn does have a plan!
…Irwin tries to reach a hand over to one of the children’s collars…
When Gravy starts to spin around…
”You hear that kiddies! The Great MARK FLYNN wants to kn-”
Flynn, panickledly, reaches out and grabs him by the shouder!
Gravy, reflexively, responds by winding up his leg… AND PUNTING FLYNN IN THE CROTCH!
Flynn’s eyes bulge out of his head as he drops to the mat, his every fiber vibrating with PAAAAAAAIN.
”What do I want, Flynn?” Graves says leaning over the agonized X-Treme champion. “First off, DON’T FUCKING LAY A HAND ON ME!”
Irwin, seeing how close he came to getting caught, quickly slides MARTY’s head back on… Before Graves spins around to the kids!
”Kiddies! Mark Flynn wants to know what I want!”
…
”What do I want?”
…
The children murmur and whine, their cries muffled by the tape over their mouths.
”Ugh.” Graves groans. ”That’s what you always say…”
…
Suddenly, Graves gasps.
”I know what I want!”
Flynn, slowly, and in great pain, makes his way up to his feet…
As Graves lifts the detonator once more!
”Flynn… You ALWAYS said my hands weren’t built for grappling. That I had STUPID, IDIOT HANDS!”
Graves cackles! ”Well, guess what, Marky-Mark! These IDIOT hands are going to out-wrestle you! Or the kiddies get it!”
…Flynn exhales, truly disgusted at the idea.
…
Before nodding.
Graves pockets the detonator, clapping his hands delightedly!
Flynn puts his hands up, beckoning Graves forward…
Graves puts his hands up as well… And the two lock up in a collar-and-elbow tie-up!
Flynn and Graves jockey for control in the center of the ring! Flynn slowly opens his stance to turn Gravy away from the children… He stomps his foot twice, like he’s desperately clinging to the grapple!
…On the second stomp, MARTY’s head pops back off! Irwin scampers out of the mechanical official… Irwin twists MARTY’s head back into place… MARTY resumes vacuuming kibble.
Irwin takes a deep breath… squeezes his nose… and dives into the pile of kibble!
Inside the ring, Graves and Flynn are… still grappling.
…
”Gonna do something, now?”
”DUH! OF COURSE I WILL!"
…
Graves clears his throat.
”Uh… What do I do?”
Flynn groans.
”Okay. Take your right arm, and quickly scoop it around my neck.”
…Graves thinks about it… Then, does exactly as Flynn says!
WHAM! Graves slips Flynn from a collar-and-elbow into a textbook side-headlock!
”AHHHHHHH! I’M DOING IT! I’M OUTWRESTLING MARK FLYNN!”
Irwin quickly ascends from beneath the pool of kibble… With a pocket screwdriver! He approaches one of the children! Flynn’s #1 fan puts up a finger to his lips, so the children know to keep quiet. He pops open an electrical component on one of the dog-collars… And starts to eye the wiring!
Graves meanwhile, is having the time of his life, as Flynn instructs them through neatly transitioning to mat-wrestling via a side-headlock takedown, converting to a head-scissors hold on the mat, Gravy’s legs wrapped around Flynn’s throat.
”AH! I’M THE BEST WRESTLER IN THE WORLD! I’M MAKING YOU LOOK SO STUPID, MARK!”
…Mark irritatedly… scrambles to one knee! Then to a vertical base! Suddenly, Graves is looking mighty vulnerable! As Flynn fishes his arms around Gravy’s legs… Then turns him over into a Boston Crab!
Gravy starts beating the mat with his fists (not to tap out, but out of betrayal)!
”NO FAIR, I’M IN CONTROL HERE!” Graves screeches, reaching into his pocket for the detonator.
Flynn panickedly shakes his head. ”I’M TRYING TO MAKE YOU LOOK GOOD, JUST COUNTER OUT OF IT!”
…
”Oh! Duh! Of course! I knew that!” Graves nods, closing his coat pocket.
…
”What do I do?”
”...Grab my left ankle and PULL BACKWARDS!”
Graves does… And Flynn’s Boston Crab falls apart like a house of cards. Like, magic, the whole submission hold shifts and now Gravy is the one clinging onto Flynn in a Boston Crab!
Flynn grits his teeth in pain, as Gravy applies more torque… Flynn reaches for the nearest ropes…
But, he sees in front of him, Irwin de-activating the first child’s collar! It goes from blinking red to the lights being off.
”What’s going on back there?”
Flynn contorts his body to turn the submission hold to a further corner!
Hymen, still oblivious as to the explosive risk of danger around here, starts counting for Gravy to release the hold!
Graves turns around indignantly as Flynn catches his breath on the mat!
”HEY! I SAID TAPOUT!”
Flynn scoffs, looking up at Flynn. ”Gravy, you’re in control… but, c’mon… no one taps out to a Boston Crab.”
…
”Okay, no, yeah, that’s fair.”
…
WHAM! Graves stomps Flynn in the stomach once! Twice! Thrice! Driving the air out of his lungs as he desperately covers himself from additional strikes!
Meanwhile, outside the ring, Irwin is cross-referencing his handwritten instruction guide… Working around the bits covered in ink explosion… He’s almost got the third collar disarmed…
Confident after stomping a hole in Flynn’s chest, Graves strolls around the ring, basking in the crowd’s boos!
From the mat, Flynn stomps his boot once!
And Irwin quickly dives back under the surface pool of the kibble!
Just before Gravy would spin around and see him!
Gravy ducks his head between the ropes, looking to make it outside.
”Alright! Enough fuckin’ around, let’s find this detonator and EXPLODE FLYNN’S HE-“
Suddenly, Flynn scrambles forward, wrapping Gravy in a waistlock and tugging him back inside the ring!
HHL: Flynn, clearly doing what he can to buy time…
Flynn struggles Gravy back to the center of the ring!
”Okay… Now, try t-“
In a flash, Gravy drops to one knee, slipping out of Flynn’s grip, then grabbing Flynn by the ankle, and dropping him to the mat with a single leg takedown!
HHL: Wow! Say what you will about Micheal Graves, but he’s a fast learner and adaptive! After a few quick notes from Mark Flynn, Gravy’s now holding his own!
Indeed, as Flynn lies shocked on the mat, Gravy flips Flynn onto his front, and twists him into an ankle lock!
”HAHAHA! This is wrestling? This is so EASY!”
Flynn stomps his foot twice, likes he’s trying to claw to the ropes!
…As Irwin crawls out of the kibble and goes back to work! He’s on the fourth kid, having worked out a rhythm a pattern now to disarming these collars!
”TAP OUT! SUBMIT, YOU ASSHOLE!” Gravy screams!
Flynn crawls himself along the mat, arm over arm, reaching for the ropes!
…
BUT GRAVES DRAGS HIM BACK, CENTER-OF-THE-RING!
Flynn howls in agony, so far from the ropes!
”GIVE UP, YOU DUMMY!”
Flynn…
FLYNN!
…
Flynn rolls over on his back…
Reels his legs into his chest! Gravy stumbles forward!
And WHAM! Flynn kicks Gravy in the face!
Gravy is driven back toward the ropes!
”HEY! Do you WANT me to blow up these kids’ heads?!?”
Gravy spins around to point at these children…
…
And catches Irwin, deactivating… the fifth.
The second-to-last collar!
…Irwin meekly waves!
”CHEATER!” Gravy calls out, as he reaches into his pocket! He reels out the detonator!
“CHEATEEEEEEEER!” Graves pops off the plastic seal!
BUT FLYNN LAUNCHES HIMSELF FORWARD ONTO GRAVES’ ARM!
HE TRIES TO DRAG THE DARK WARRIOR TO THE MAT, LOOKING FOR A FUJIWARA ARMBAR!
”IRWIN, WRAP IT UP!”
Irwin snaps out of watching the match, and gets to work on the last child’s dog collar!
Flynn and Gravy fight for arm control… Gravy desperately holds his hands together, resisting the armbar with every fiber of his being.
”GIVE ME THAT FUCKIN’ DETONATOR!”
”GO TO HELL!”
…Flynn tugs as hard as he can!
…Gravy’s face contorts with fear… He can’t hold out much longer…
…
Graves!
GRAVES EXTENDS HIS NECK AND BITES FLYNN’S HAND!
”AHHHHHH!” Flynn’s grip fails, as Gravy wriggles out of his control like a rat down a drainpipe.
Gravy scrambles to his feet still holding the detonator!
Irwin feverishly compares wire-to-wire.
”YOU BROKE THE RULES, FLYNN!” Gravy screams, as he lifts the detonator! ”This is on you!”
Irwin’s eyes widen, he grabs a wire!
The fans pull up their tarp, ready for an explosion!
GRAVY PRESSES THE SWITCH!
…
……
A moment after Irwin pulled out the wire!
Irwin and Flynn deactivated the dog collars on the kids!
The crowd cheers… (albeit somewhat… disappointedly?).
HHL: It feels like some of the crowd might’ve… wanted to see these kids’ heads explode?
PIP: I mean, if you advertise head explosions, you gotta deliver.
HHL: Well, the match isn’t over yet! There are still two active dog collars! Flynn’s and Gravy’s.
Gravy frustratedly smacks the detonator!
”C’mon! EXPLODE ALREADY!” He hits it again and again. ”STUPID THING!”
Meanwhile, behind Gravy… Flynn climbs to his feet.
…Gravy slowly turns around.
As Flynn raises his arms, ready to grapple.
”Ready to finish this, Mieky?”
…
……
”...Nope.”
With picture-perfect form, Graves runs through the ropes and dives like an Olympic swimmer into the kibble!
HHL: Graves avoiding a hand-to-hand fight with Flynn! If he can find that detonator and explode Flynn’s head, he wins the match!
PIP: But, with this much kibble, it’s like finding a needle in haystack! This could take hours! Maybe days! Even we-
Graves ascends out of the kibble, spitting bacon bits from his mouth!
”FOUND ONE!”
PIP: …Ah, well. Alright then.
Graves snickers insidiously as he lifts up detonator!
”YOU’RE DEAD, FLYNN! BECAUSE OF THIS DETONATOR!”
Graves lifts it to his face…
It’s a plastic tube with a sticker…
OF MICHEAL GRAVES!
”...Drat.”
Flynn slides under the bottom rope, in hot pursuit!
…Graves looks down at the detonator! If it’s pressed, Flynn will win the match!
…
Also, you know… Gravy’s head will explode.
Graves quickly reels back like a quarterback…
Flynn DIVE-TACKLES GRAVY!
…
And as Gravy falls, he successfully hucks the detonator across the ring… AND INTO THE KIBBLE ACROSS THE WAY!
HHL: Phew, Gravy re-hides the detonator connected to his dog collar!
PIP: But who knows when they’ll find the other one! It could be anywhere! Anywhere around the ring!
The two stars stay submerged under the kibble…
…
SPLASH! Flynn comes back out of the kibble… He swims across the bits of dog food, digging around for the other detonator switch!
PIP: Flynn just saw Gravy toss his detonator across the ring… What’s he thinking here?
HHL: Flynn realizes, if he can find and retain possession of his own detonator, he has all the time in the world to find Gravy’s.
Flynn digs and digs…
…
As a black mask pokes out of the kibble behind him.
Flynn sweeps around the kibble, pushing bits to the railing and under the ring…
And the mask gets closer…
Closer…
When, suddenly, Flynn’s eyes widen!
He feels something!
”I GOT IT! I GOT THE D-”
WHAM! In a flash, Flynn is tugged beneath the surface of the kibble!
HHL: Gravy-shark! Gravy-shark in the kibble-water!
…
…
WHAM!
A body flies out of the kibble! And into the apron outside the ring!
…
It’s the Dark Warrior! His mask askew! He twists it straight back onto his face!
And emerging from the kibble! Mark Flynn!
A switch in his hand… Labelled with a sticker…
IT’S FLYNN’S DETONATOR!
”GIMME THAT THING, YOU ASSHOLE!”
Flynn tugs his tights’ waistband! And drops the detonator down the front.
”C’mon and get it.”
…
”GRAGH!”
Graves rushes to grapple Flynn!
But Flynn leaps through the kibble, over Gravy to the apron, rolling under the ropes, back in the ring!
Gravy spins back ‘round, rolling under the ropes!
As Flynn hits the opposite ropes, he springs off!
Graves charges…
AND EATS A DROPKICK FROM FLYNN!
Graves gets driven back against the ropes, the air driven out of his chest… He rebounds off…
As Flynn wraps him in a front facelock!
HHL: This could be it! CAN FLYNN HIT THE END!
Flynn goes to lift…
GRAVES REELS BACK AND HEADBUTTS FLYNN!
Flynn gets driven back, looking loopy!
Graves reels back his hand!
AND REACHES INTO FLYNN’S TIGHTS!
PIP: THAT’S GONNA BE AN HR MEETING!
Gravy rustles! AND FINDS SOMETHING…
Flynn’s eyes widen!
…
He clears his throat.
”That’s… not the detonator.”
FLYNN HEADBUTTS GRAVY RIGHT BACK!
Gravy gets rocked into the turnbuckle!
Flynn backward-runs to the opposite turnbuckle!
…The crowd starts chanting for Flynn!
Flynn gets ready…
Going for a running knee to the corner!
…
BUT MICHEAL GRAVES CATCHES HIM WITH A PERFECTLY TIMED SMACK!
Flynn flies like a ragdoll backwards!
…
PIP: WOW! That sounded like a fucking tennis racket!
HHL: Micheal Graves might have the best right hand in the business.
Graves takes a deep breath… He sees Flynn stagger woozily.
…
”I HAVE YOU NOW, ASSHOLE! I’m gonna KILL YOU!”
…
”BUT FIRST, I’M GONNA PIN YOU!”
Graves cranks his neck…
”YOUR HUMILIATION WILL BE COMPLETE!”
He stuffs Flynn into powerbomb position!
HHL: Micheal Graves, looking for Grave Consequences!
PIP: He could get the win by pinfall!
Graves sticks his arms out to the sides emphatically!
He lifts Flynn over his shoulders, grabbing Flynn’s ar-
FLYNN DROPS OFF THE BACK!
Mark slides his arms under Gravy and leans forwards!
It’s a backslide pin!
Virginia Hymen drops to count!
1!
Gravy’s feet kick in the air!
2!
…HE FORCES HIMSELF OFF THE MAT!
…
……
JUST AFTER THE THREE!
WINNER AND STILL X-TREME CHAMPION: MARK FLYNN
Flynn rolls off to the side relieved. Virginia cluelessly lifts his arm in the air as he lies on the mat.
The crowd cheers… but are now even more clearly disappointed!
HHL: This audience is absolutely psychopathic. They’re VISIBLY UPSET that no one DIED!
PIP: I can’t blame them! There was supposed to be a kaboom! A head-exploding kaboom!
Graves sits on the mat, on his knees disappointed…
…
”...No.”
He shakes his head!
”HELL NO!”
Graves stomps across the ring… AND STOMPS FLYNN IN THE CHEST!
Flynn cradles his stomach, exhausted, as Graves mounts the X-Treme champion to keep attacking!
”NO ONE!”
GRAVY PUNCHES!
”CAN SAY!”
ANOTHER HUGE RIGHT-HAND!
”YOU BEAT ME!”
WHAM!
”IF YOU’RE DEAD!!”
Graves tries to reach once more into Flynn’s tights…
But Flynn wraps his arms around Gravy’s neck and judo-throws him with a backwards roll!
Meanwhile, outside the ring, Irwin is digging around the spot Gravy threw his detonator…
Just as MARTY rolls up behind him, still sucking up kibble.
…suddenly, the vacuum sound dies.
MARTY: BLOCKAGE IN VACUUM TUBE! PLEASE REMOVE!
Irwin turns around… And checks Marty’s tube…
…
He fishes out!
…
GRAVY’S DETONATOR!
The crowd cheers! Some of them excitedly lift up their tarps!
”MISTER FLYNN! HERE!”
Irwin tosses it under the bottom rope!
Flynn slides forward to grab it…
Just as Graves stomps on Flynn’s hand!
Flynn’s face contorts with agony! Graves fishes back into Flynn’s tights
”GIVE UP, YOU FUCKIN’ ASSHOLE!”
”FUCK OFF!”
Graves reels out…
A DETONATOR!
Flynn grabs it with his free hand!
And Graves grabs the other one in Flynn’s hand!
The two jockey for control! Spinning wildly!
OOH! Suddenly, both of them lose grip on one!
Flynn rapidly kicks the one on the mat under the bottom rope!
HHL: That leaves just one detonator in the ring!
With the last of his strength, Flynn gives his back to Gravy! As Gravy wriggles out of an armlock, Flynn uses his fingernails to scratch the sticker off the other detonator!
HHL: Flynn, trying to make the detonator useless to Gravy?
PIP: If he doesn’t know which one it is, would Gravy still press it?
Gravy kicks Flynn in the leg…
Flynn winces, spinning around and CATCHING Gravy with a backelbow!
Gravy spins… AND SPINNING BACKFISTS Flynn!
Flynn hits the mat like a ton of bricks!
…
……Gravy reaches down.
And plucks the detonator out of Flynn’s grip.
”Goodbye, Flynn.” Gravy giggles, as he lifts the detonator. ”It’s been… a blast.”
”You think I’m an IDIOT, MARKY-MARK!?! I *just* pulled the same game on you last Warfare! Reverse psychology? Don’t press it, because you secretly want me to? I BASICALLY INVENTED THIS TRICK, YOU DUMMY!”
Flynn shakes his head. ”I’m serious, Graves! Don’t do it!”
”NICE TRY, IDIOT! SAY GOODBYE, FLY-”
”GRAVES, DON-”
Graves hits the switch.
*EXPLOSION*
…
The ring is filled in red mist.
Blood and viscera.
…
A body lies lifeless in the ring.
…
……
MIcheal Graves’.
…
The fans are horrified. Absolutely speechless.
Shellshocked and traumatized by the result they thought they wanted.
…
PIP: Oh my gob… Oh gob, I think sub got in my mouf. OH JEEBUS.
HHL: *takes off her headset and starts walking for the parking lot, not speaking to anyone…*
…
…..
Eventually, the show quietly goes to commercial.
The morose opening chords of “Identity” by Grandson hit the soundsystem and the arena is plunged into darkness, but we can still hear the big time pops from the excited crowd as they await the Universal Champion. As the song starts to pick up in tempo a lit up figure can be seen standing on the ramp way, his jacket flashing hearts and lightning bolts. Then, with an explosion of pyro the lights come back on and Corey Smith is there!
He races to the ring, slapping hands as he goes. In fact, he does a lap around the ring, greeting his fans and clapping hands before sliding into the ring and kipping up like a house of fire. He calls for a mic and gets one. The music dies down as Corey gets on the stick.
Heeelllllooooooo Sacramento!
The fans pop.
Ya’all should know by now I’m not above a cheap pop, eh? But anyway, I am so fucking PUMPED to be out here today holding THIS.
He raises the Universal championship above his head drawing more cheers.
I staked my claim and I made it happen. Like it or hate it. Unfortunately I had to go through my (possible?) friend Dolly Waters to do it. But that’s some drama for another day. I actually wanted to address Raion Kido.
Raion I gave you a lot of shit for being a lackluster Universal Champion. I stand by those words. My guy, you lost your smile. But one thing you didn’t lose was your integrity, and that much I can respect. He puts the title on his shoulder and gestures to it. You weren’t a good Universal Champion, but you WERE a good man. So for that at least….respect.
The fans show Kido some respect with some clapping and cheers.
But that’s history. It’s time to look towards the future…towards Leap of Faith. Now obviously yours truly will not be in the Leap of Faith match. But I am staring down the barrel of my first title defense. And so many names have been rolling around in my head as being deserving of a shot. I thought of….I thought of….Noah Jackson!
This draws a mixed reply from the crowd.
Now, now, now! He did pin the Universal Champion at War Games. I mean, he’s done fuck all but lose to the Television champion since then, but I digress. Corey allows himself a shit eating grin. Nah. Nah, folks I got an even more interesting name rattling around in the ol’ dome too.
Isaiah King.
This draws more of a pop.
The man who beat the previous Universal Champion in a non title match. I mean, the guy is all but the uncrowned Universal Champion, right? He deserves a shot! But, does King scream big money match yet? He’s still pretty green. Still pretty new. That’s when another name occurred to me.
Mark Flynn.
OVERWHELMING CATASTROPHIC BOOS!
Corey mocks looking overwhelmed by the response. Whoa…whoa….it’s almost as if you guys think he’s a bad guy or something. Jeez! Now hold on a second, yeah, I know he’s the Xtreme Champion…but this guy….THIS GUY…is my own personal white whale. Did you know he’s beaten me twice? I mean, you probably do because he mentions it in every single goddamn promo…but it’s true! He’s beaten me twice. And Xtreme Championship or no Xtreme championship I’d like to settle that.
But enough about who’s next. I want to talk about who’s NOW. And you might think I’m talking about myself, but I’m really talking about all of you.
Corey gestures to the crowd.
Because you guys have accepted me with open arms despite my past. Despite what happened during my horrid Universal Title reign when The Engineer was in charge. And you didn’t have to accept me, none of you. But you did, and from the bottom of my heart…
Oh give it a rest you sanctimonious ass.
Suddenly, another voice cuts in. Corey’s attention is drawn to the main screen, where we see someone dressed all in black wearing a ski mask. It’s dusk wherever they’re at. And they’re clearly using some sort of device to mask their voice.
Just do us all a favor and stop talking, Corey.
Why should I?
Because it’s DULL. And your dull as dishwater “I’m a decent guy now” shtick is nauseating. I’ve seen that smug kisser up close and personal enough to know who you really are. I know you well enough to know you’re FULL OF SHIT. You don’t give a damn about these people or anyone else but yourself. Why else would you hone in on a weak champion so you can prance about acting like you’ve truly won something.
Corey chuckles and drags his hand down his face in bemused consternation. You talk a heavy game for a guy wearing a mask. Now let’s see which loser I’ve laid waste to you really are so we can see where these sour grapes are coming from, eh?
The man in the mask laughs. Oh, you’d like that wouldn’t you? Unfortunately we’re playing this game by my rules. And I’m not ready to give up my identity just yet. Certainly not before I’ve had my fun tonight. You see Corey, tonight I’m here to make you pay. Nobody’s ever really made you SUFFER but yourself. Nobody’s really had the balls to target what you truly care about. But that changes tonight.
Should I be scared? Corey replies sarcastically.
No. You should be devastated. The man pulls up a bottle from beneath the camera. Then, he gestures behind him. This look familiar?
The shot pulls back to reveal the man is standing behind Corey’s home. Corey’s expression immediately goes blank.
I don’t know what you’re trying…
SHUT UP! I already told you this was my game. And now you’re going to see precisely how it’s gonna play out.
With that, the man lights a rag sticking out of the bottle, turning it into a molotov cocktail. Corey now looks very worried.
Hey man, look…
But the mystery individual pays Corey no heed. Instead he stalks up to the house and tosses the cocktail against a window, shattering it. The cocktail lands inside the house and starts to burn.
Corey’s face lights up with rage. HEY! There are people in there! What the fuck are you doing?!
The man lights up another cocktail and tosses it against the side of the house, which also starts to burn!
No, no, no, NO!
Corey drops the mic and rolls out of the ring. The camera follows him as he runs into the backstage area, entering the corridors until he spills out into the parking area near an XWF production truck. He yanks open the door and enters.
Who is responsible for that broadcast?!
One of the techs turns around, ashen faced. We don’t know!
How can you….! Corey looks at the bevy of monitors just in time to see another cocktail explode against the front door of his home! NO!
Corey leaves the truck and pulls out his cell phone in a frenzy as the shot fades out on Corey’s burning front door.
Thank you to those people who wrote the matches this week for Warfare.
Dolly Waters
Mark Flynn
Michael Graves
Corey Smith
And thank you to those who wrote Segments this week.
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