Crash Rodriguez is great, he's not like those other dingleberries clinging on and hoping to hit the bottom of my wrestling tights, thinking they're reinventing the wheel when they're pumping additives into the well known.

Genevieve Tote, Bobby’s image consultant, looks puzzled as she types away at her tablet, monitoring social media accounts. Dozens, if not a few of them.

Why did you just bring up Crash?

He told me to think of my opponents like they were my favorite pulled pork and for fuck's sake, they aren't. They suck compared to my favorite pulled pork sandwich, and I would be better used eating that sandwich instead of devouring Isaiah King and Jay Omega.

Miss Tote takes note.

Pissants. The both of them. King or Omega, they both sound exactly the fucking same right now, two jamokes struggling their way up the ladder I fucking built, rung by rung, talking about what they would have done if they were me.

Monday morning quarterbacks. They operate with the clarity of hindsight because they were never in the moments I generated.

Genevieve types away at her tablet.

What would you do if you were them?

Bobby doesn’t pause.

I never ever once considered what I would do if I were them. Not once. The eagle does not deign to consider what his prey woulda, coulda, shoulda done. He soars from on high, looking down at the world beneath him, below him, and finds his next meal. Sometimes the rabbit scurries away because some ignoble rat decided they didn’t like how nature works, but the food chain won’t be disrupted, no no. Sometimes you get a blue jay that thinks it’s place is in the skies when it really just likes to be high, and it’s unaware of the very looming threat beside them.

There is a knock at the door. Miss Tote looks up as does Bobby.

It’s open.

The door indeed was open. It swings open, and through the doorway steps Theo Pryce.

Hi, Bobby, I know this is unexpected, but I was in the neighborhood. Do you have a minute?

Theo glances at Genevieve, then back at Bobby, his gentlemanly smile unwavering. Bobby snorts.

Miss Tote, if you’ll excuse us.

Ah, yes, Mr. Bourbon, as I recall, I had to go make a call myself.

Genevieve stands from the couch and leaves Bobby’s office. Bobby stands.

Please, sit, make yourself comfortable.

Theo sits on the plain office sofa as Bobby sits in his desk chair.

Bobby, we need to talk.

Well, I figured, it’s why you’re here, unannounced, so it’s probably something I don’t want to talk about but you think we need to talk about.

Theo cracks a smile.

You know they say a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down, Bobby, not everything has to be that blunt.

Tell that to the diabetics, sir. As pleased as I am to have you in my humble office for once, let’s not mince words, this isn’t a social call. It never is.

Okay, well, to cut straight to the point, what the hell have you been fighting with Doc over?

Bobby rolls his eyes.

Ask him.

Bobby points to the couch. Sitting there, as though he had been the entire time, is Doctor Louis D’Ville. Theo glances over, his eyes going wide being the only sign he’d been startled.

Hello, my friend!

Theo looks back at Bobby, then at Doc.

Hello.

Theo looks at Bobby.

How long has he been there?

Didn’t he walk in with you?

Theo shakes his head, staying above the weirdness for the time being.

Look, Bobby, I already talked with Louis here, and he doesn’t understand what has been going on and he’s pretty sure you’re the one doing all this.

Bobby points at Doc.

Do I fucking teleport now or is that your thing still?

Teleportation? Why, Bobby, I’m simply where I decide to be when I decide it, no reason to hide that with some nonsense science fiction, which is entirely your thing!

Easy there, Gandalf, go back to the Shire and find your left nut and leave the work of Frankenstein to us who can.

Stop!

Bobby and Doc pause and look at Theo.

So, what I’m gathering here, is neither of you know why you’ve been fighting one another since May?

I haven’t been fighting him.

That’s exactly what I told Theo, thank you, Bobby.

You’re welcome.

Theo takes a deep breath, gathering his thoughts.

Whoever is doing this, while brilliant, well, it’s not me, I’d be fucking bragging about it by now! The best part of shameless self promotion is you don’t feel any shame!

You’re the most shameless man I know.

Bobby smirks and winks at Doc.

You love it.

Well, then what am I supposed to do here, guys? There’s something happening, you two are both involved, somehow, what do you suggest?

Well, Theo, while there may not be an obvious, clear cut solution, it’s probably because we don’t even know what the problem is, yet at least.

Yeah. I mean, shit, this all started around when you brought up Collusion, that big event with the IIW, maybe they have some wizard or mad scientist of their own trying to fuck with you?

That’s a possibility, but why would some fool from the IIW trifle with us?

Because they’re a fool.

Doc goes to speak, but catches himself.

Good point.

Well, in the meantime, and I’m trusting you both on this, can you promise you won’t attack one another?

I promise nothing, Theo.

Hey, I don’t want to go after Doc. I’ve been watching Mark Flynn with the Xtreme Championship, making sure he gets to his final defense. When is that?

Theo and Doc answer in unison.

Leap of Faith.

So, I suppose what you’re saying, and yes, I understand we were discussing how I shouldn’t fight with Doc when we haven’t and you know it, but what you’re saying is if someone wanted revenge, and this is purely hypothetically speaking…

He’s not being hypothetical.

I know.

Hypothetically speaking, say someone denied you a briefcase at Leap of Faith by throwing a cinder block at you, and in turn, you had the opportunity to do it right back to them, would you take it?

Doc’s eyes narrow as he glares at Bobby. Bobby looks right back at Doc with a smug smile.

Well, I suppose I would have to consider a lot of other options, Bobby.

Bobby and Doc’s locked gaze is unshaken by Theo’s musings.

So, uh, I think I’ll see myself out then, Bobby, I appreciate you taking the time for me unexpectedly.

Bobby looks up at Theo.

Oh, you’re not going anywhere quite yet.

What?

C’mon!

Bobby stands from his desk and walks to his door, opening it for Theo. Theo steps out and is greeted by a swarm of press, influencers, social media presences, and any other media outlet you can imagine. Theo’s shock is sudden, but quelled swiftly as his demeanor changed to annoyance. Theo turns to Bobby and speaks in a hushed tone, below the murmur of the crowd in front of them.

Bobby what the hell is going on?

Doc, already standing beside them, puffs on a cigarillo.

Shameless self promotion, Theo.

Bobby and Doc exchange a no look fistbump.

The man gets it. Besides, play ball, there’s something in it for you.

Theo looks perplexed, until his eyes spy a Thai ladyboy in the crowd, pointing right at him, then gesturing their hand to their mouth suggestively while poking the inside of their cheek with their tongue, the international sign of “I will give you fellatio”. Theo smiles warmly.

If you play ball, they sure will.

Bobby winks and he and Theo exchange a no look fistbump. Bobby then stands tall beside Theo and Doc and addresses the crowd before all three of them.

People, the automotive industry, for too long, has been tied to one industry or another. The oil industry, the green energy market, all vying for your dollar and doing so through the very transportation that is vital to the entire globe at this point. That is, until today.

Rolling into the Bobby Bourbon dojo for the Competitive Arts we see the silliest looking car.



The Bourbon. State of the art, sophisticated in every way, and running on energy beyond oil or fuel cells.

Theo chimes in.

Bobby, nuclear power? That’s so last year!

Last year? Theo, once the power of the atom was unleashed, it didn’t go back into the box! Sure, it doesn’t sound as scary as words like “terrorist” or “pandemic” in today’s society, and today’s youth never have ever even had the slightest ponderance of what to do in a Nuclear attack, and well, I am ready to embrace that! This isn’t just nuclear energy, Theo, this is Fissile Enduring Energy, it’s environmentally friendly as it is powerful!

You mean there is nothing to fear from your atom bomb on wheels?

Absolutely not! Nobody’s afraid of getting nuked anymore, you said it yourself, so we have rebranded it using new language, just like how the term shellshock evolved into PTSD, a mobile nuclear reactor that would do zero to sixty in a fraction of a second if the axles wouldn’t disintegrate is now Fissile Enduring Energy!

Wow Bobby, when you put it that way, I’m not worried about radiation poisoning and having my internal organs literally melt away because the atoms that make up my cell structure are getting ripped to shreds.

Of course not, Theo! Shucks, if I wanted to do damage, I’d give them a Bobbybomb, not try to sell them a car they’ll never have to take to the gas station!

Bobby and Theo chuckle. Doc rolls his eyes at the mention of the Bobbybomb.

Now, you will notice, there is a slot on the side of the car where a normal gas nozzle would go, but I promise you, it’s not for gasoline, it’s for coolant!

What if I accidentally put gasoline in the coolant container, Bobby?

Well you blow yourself and the surrounding six cities to hell and gone! Don’t worry though, we are working on a safety catch on the line so you can’t stick a gasoline pump nozzle in there.

So what coolant do you use?

Bobby approaches the coolant slot of the vehicle and flips it open. As he does, he unzips his fly. Theo looks appalled, then looks at the ladyboy and bites his lip. Doc grins as he puffs his cigarillo.

You see, the coolant you need is water! Not just any kind will work, urea is the best substance to ensure a smooth ride. Ergo, not only do I not have to stop at gas stations anymore for gas, but when I gotta take a pee, I’m also covered! We’re also developing a cup for those without the benefit of external genitalia, which can even be worn while you drive!

Bobby finishes his piss, shakes the tip, tucks his dick into his pants, and zips his fly back up.

So you have a pisstank?

Hah, what a laugh! This is an Organic Biocoolant System!

Isn’t that just a flowery way to say pisstank?

It’s a marketable way to say pisstank! The natural impurities and proteins found in human urine are the best coolant available. That said, some of you are gunshy.

A few people in the press raise their hands awkwardly.

Losers.

The Bourbon, with Fissile Enduring Energy and an Organic Biocoolant System, you will never have to pay for gasoline again!

Someone from the crowd raises their hand.

“Does it have bluetooth?”

Enraged by the question, Bobby charges at the person who asked it, and starts beating them mercilessly.

I JUST REINVENTED THE WHEEL AND YOU WANT TO KNOW IF IT HAS FUCKING BLUETOOTH!?

Doc laughs at the fracas as Theo sneaks back into Bobby’s office with the ladyboy.