“NO THAT’S NOT RIGHT DO IT AGAIN!”
Tig O’Bitties sighed and let her shoulders fall. Her face hurt from all the practice. Her chest was hot and sweaty from the clothes she was wearing. Her actual soul had been lacerated from the constant verbal barrage and assault on her vocational skills.
“WITH MORE ‘OOMPH!’ THIS TIME!”
She held onto the deeply resigned sigh that wanted to push out of her body as she looked at Sarah Lacklan. The albino sat in a chair, her back straight, with an angry expression written across her face. Tig gritted her teeth at wanting to give one of those sighs over what the girl was wearing…some dress straight out of the 1800s, or something, with a hat and veil over her face to boot…and instead did her best to instead put on a smile. She had a good smile. Not as good as the albino’s supposed “Billion $$$,” she supposed, but still good.
“Everyone, please stand for the arrival of the most-”
“More emphasis!”
“....MOST decorated wrestler in XWF history.”
“More tongue on the top of the words. I want them to HEAR the capitals!”
Small sigh.
“....MOST Decorated Wrestler in XWF history.”
The albino clapped in glee.
“Now, obvs, the spotlight will go to where I am and they’ll hear my angelic voice say where their eyes should be. But! Oh, BUT! It won’t be ME coming out, not right away. Instead, you get the ever-growing caravan of women carrying out my various awards. You have the updated list, yes?”
Tig was able to keep in the sigh as she reached into her pocket. A pocket made of silk, which she was unsure about. The albino had her in one of those god-awful dresses of hers…AND a hat…and she continued to sweat from being underneath all those clothes. She didn’t exactly LOVE the outfits the XWF insisted she wear…it got quite nipply in the arena sometimes…but this was straight-up stuffy!
“Let’s see…”
She consulted the list retrieved from her pocket.
“Newcomer of the Year in 2019…”
The albino beamed.
“...the best debut promo ever…”
“It’s promotional video, Tigs, not promo. Don’t be a Neanderthal.”
“...fastest victory in the XWF…”
“Five Seconds, BAY-BAY!”
“...best smile…”
The flash from the accompanying smile from the albino nearly blinded Tig.
“...greatest Anarchy return…”
“Even WITH Vinnie’s dumb booking. And while I certainly appreciate Atticus, Glory be his name, it doesn't seem to be much better. A vat of poutine!”
The albino grimaced as Tig got to the end of the list.
“I’ll have more for you as time goes on. Now! I’ll come out and look at all the rabble fans…I’m sure each and every one will be screaming my name at the top of their lips, obvs…and I’ll make my way down the ramp followed by my many, many, MANY award-bearers. I want to make sure that all those smelly fans AND my opponent realize the sheer awesomeness that is about to be in the ring. Then you go into my tale-of-the-tape deets.”
Tig nodded.
“Standing at 5 feet and 2 inches-”
“The perfect height!”
“-and weighing in at 145 pounds-”
“Mostly in my #SquatBooty and legs the size of our Lacklanland birch. Now, as you’re getting through there, I’ll have the girls make a staircase for me, like how I used to do.”
Tig gave her a surprised look, but the albino waved it away.
“I used to do it all the time, including in the XWF. I think. Regardless, it’s not something I’ve done in a while, but I want to make sure everyone understands not just WHO, but WHAT they are facing as we head into War Games. They need to understand they are facing Sarah hotdamn LACKLAN, ya know? Which is why I’ll have you mention BOTH of my home bases.”
Tig nods and continues.
“-and fighting simultaneously out of both the Hills of Hollywood-”
“The Egg with my Beloved!”
“-and the Blueberry Fields of Maine-”
“The Blueberry Syrup at Japlebee’s is to DIE for!”
“-she has an overall XWF record of 39 wins, 8 losses, and 2 draws-”
“.....9 losses….”
Tig cut off as the albino scowled and looked away, and made a mental note to update that before May Day.
“-she has won the Universal Championship…”
“First and ONLY time someone has cashed in a briefcase the day they won it!”
“...the Tag Team Championship…”
“Twice! With my wife AND my sister! Which…considering the commune we’re going to, might be one in the same for many of those Corey fans…”
“...the Anarchy Championship…”
“Only one in the Captains match that can say that.”
“...the Leap of Faith Rafter Match…”
“Love when a plan comes together. I had ONE focus that year, and BOOM! Made it happen.”
“...and survived War Games.”
“Going to make it twice in a row! Now, HERE, I’ll climb up onto the top rope and plop down my #SquatBooty so that I can look at all the peons, and my various opponents, or some such, while you call out some of my titles. I like sitting there, have cut some great promos from there. And literally no one else does it that way. Which is, like, basically Sarah 101: Do things different than the people who just copy and rip one another off.”
Tig pulls out another scrap of paper from a silk-lined pocket to consult.
“…she is the Blood Princess…”
“A name from my people.”
“...the Firestarter…”
“And from Daddy.”
“...both the Poshest of Goths AND the Gothest of Poshes…”
“People HATE that I have layers!”
“...the Matron of Pigeons…”
“Love my babies!”
“...Ilhar de La'al…”
“Ugh…we have GOT to work on your Drow accent, Tigs. You’ve got your pronunciation all OVER the place.”
So many sighs she has had to keep in.
“...YOUR Rule 63 Thanos…”
“I might need to ditch that one…didn’t work with Rubes…”
Tig took a deep breath.
“…SARAHHHHHHHHH-”
“NO! Go up and down on the R and then BOOM on the AH”
“...SAR…aaarrrr…….AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
The albino smirked smugly. This, as Tig knew well, was known by most as Resting Sar Face. She took another deep breath.
“LAAAAAACKLAAAAAAAAAN!”
“THANK you for pronouncing my family name correctly. You would think that, after literally YEARS of XWF peeps hearing me say ‘House of Lacklan’ and such, that there would be literally ZERO talking heads on terrible, awful, pointless podcasts mispronouncing my name. It’s Lacklan, not Lacklan, ya know?”
Tig nodded in agreement, though the agreement was only on the outside. She quite liked that last podcast, especially the content of the guy who screams too much, thinks he’s funny, and still needs a much better microphone.
As Tig watched Sarah go on and on and ON about how to pronounce her name, her thoughts drifted back several days. After the Warfare event had finished, amidst all the activity which normally followed an event as big as a Universal Title change, she had been quietly slipping out the door so that she could get to her hotel, as if she hurried fast enough, she could catch the ending of her favorite show Hexx…she always made sure to check what local stations showed reruns…when she had been stopped by a screeching voice that felt like icy and lightening piercing through her.
“TIGS! I have a proposition for you!”
She had turned and seen Sarah Lacklan stomping towards her and, afterward, wished she had just pushed through the door and run to her car. What followed was Sarah, at one time the supposed “World’s Greatest Life Coach,” dressing her down, from commenting on her clothes…it wasn’t her fault her contract demanded she show as much boob flesh as possible at all times…to her skills. And with that dressing down had come an offer…if she could call it that…more of a demand, really…that she would help “train” her to be better at everything in her life. She should have said no, should have turned her down, but Sarah was relentless. Before she knew it, she was nodding and making a pinky swear…WITH thumbs touching, the ultimate promise…that they would work together. How all that happened, she couldn’t quite say, only that the whirlwind that was Sarah had apparently swept her up and tossed her about so much that she hadn’t been able to think straight. Maybe Sidney Grey was right…maybe Kenzi WAS a perfectly straight woman who had been caught up and bewitched by Sarah’s complex over-reasoning skills. But here she was, wearing too many clothes, practicing over and over and-
“And you’ll do the exact opposite for my opponents, of course.”
Tig was shaken from the memories of Saturday…which ended up quite disappointing, as Hexx had been over by the time she got back to her apartment and she had to settle for one of those SPLAT! Network shows that literally no one watched…and looked up at the albino.
“What?”
“MY entrance talks about some of my many MANY bits of greatness, and THEIRS will just be about dumb stuff that will embarrass them.”
Tig blinked in confusion and Sarah snagged the microphone from her.
“Here, like this:”
Sarah rolled her shoulders and adopted a countenance seen during her short-lived career announcing Angie Vaughn to the ring.
“Hailing from literally no one cares, and weighing in tonight at 225 pounds of buffness, he is the man who ABSOLUTELY 100% OWES ME MONEY FOR USING THE NAME ‘BUFF DUDES’ I SWEAR TO GOD HE’S GOING TO BE HEARING FROM MY LAWYER….he has an overall record of so many losses that even Barney Green is putting together a lesson plan to teach him how to get his hand raised…..VAGAAAAAAA…..BOOOOOOOND!”
Tig’s face was still full of confusion.
“But…but that’s not what we do. We-”
“Okay, more examples.”
She cleared her throat.
“Representing BoB, who my actual, real life daughter Dolly is WAY too good for…he is so far above some of the jobbers and losers within this company as to seem a giant…yet also so far BELOW the ONLY Universal Champion in this captains match…that’s me…to seem a flea….THUNDERRRRRRRRRR KNUCKLLLLLLLLLLES!”
Sarah continued.
“And ALSO from Bob….my aforementioned literal daughter carried in my womb…the REASON we are all here in this compound that stinks of the unwashed masses…she’s totes amazeballs but is going to get her flat booty spanked by me AGAIN…..DOLLYYYYYYY WATERRRRRRRS!”
Big smirk now.
“And the man who thought he would be the ACE of the XWF…and instead proved himself to just be a big ol’ DEUCE in the center of the ring….NAPPIN’.......NEEEEEED…….KAYYYYYYYYYYYY!”
“Oh I think I get it!”
She took the microphone back from Sarah.
“And introducing last…because, let’s face it, she’s the least likely person to win a big match in the XWF…”
“...hey now…”
“...she’s someone who is only remarkable because of the ‘long legs’ that are still much shorter than 90% of the roster…”
“...listen, they ARE too long, but still legendary…”
“...and who is far too busy focusing on 1000 side projects no one cares about instead of being a wrestler…”
“...people like her Kitty Cafe bit! Probably...”
“....she’s someone who is the obvious weak link in the Lacklan-Vaughn tag team…”
“Listen here!”
“...and is holding her partner back…”
“........”
“ANGIEEEEE! VA-”
Tig cut off with a squawk as Sarah took back the microphone, her face red with anger.
“THAT’S NOT WHAT I MEANT!”
She threw the microphone on the ground and stalked back and forth in a quick pace.
“...and it’s ANGELICA, anyway. I don’t know WHY literally everyone in the XWF goes by her short name instead of her actual, contracted name. She won’t complain about it, because she’s too nice, but I will for her! Because that’s the job of the older sister, ya know? Take care of business for her when she can’t do it herself.”
Sarah stopped her stalking and sighed before picking up the microphone and handing it back to Tig.
“We’re going to do it over and over until you get it right.”
And so they started again.
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