Us vs. Them, Part 2: "Wait, Are We 'Us' or 'THeM'?"



Scene One
Date & Time:  March 4th / 1500 Hours (3PM)
Location: The Great Outdoors (likely still in Texas)

People say Shaun "Vagabond" Fitz and Clyde "Rover" remind them of Jonesy and Riley from the hit Canadian sitcom, Letterkenny, the way they often go back-and-forth verbally.  This happens to be one of those times.

"So we're THeM."

"Correct."

"Which makes Them, Us."

"Right."

"But I thought we were THeM."

"We are THeM."

"Then who's Us?"

"We are."

"So we're fighting ourselves next week?"

"No, Sarah Lacklan and Angelica Vaughn are fighting us next week."

"Fighting us?"

"Yes."

"Then who's fighting Them?"

"We are."

"Because we are...?"

"We're THeM."


We immediately see a lot of greenery as our scene comes to life; trees as far as the eye can see.  Vagabond and Clyde are both wearing camo outfits with orange vests and backpacks.

"Okay, so let's see if I've got this straight: Sarah and Angie are fighting THeM, and we're fighting Them, even though we are THeM."

Shaun laughs, pulling his backpack off and placing it down next to a tree before setting up his GoPro on top.  "It's you and me against the world, good buddy.  Just like old times."

"Old times didn't end so well."

"We had our moments, though, didn't we?"

"Hellz yea!"

"Always this close," Vagabond illustrates the closeness with his thumb and index finger, "to getting our title shot.  Undefeated and never getting our chance, man.  I'm so thankful those days are behind us."

"Yeah, man.  With our first match being a title shot, it's less likely I'll get hurt in a match leading up to it."

Sitting next to each other on the ground with their backs against a tree, the two men share a laugh.

"That's always been your luck, though, you know?"

"To always get injured before the big game?  Believe me, I'm well aware."

Clyde, rummaging through his knapsack, pulls out a 25oz. Natty Daddy and offers it to Vagabond, who declines.

"Naw, man.  I don't drink anymore.  Those days are behind us now, too.  At least, that's what I thought.  When did you start drinking again?"

"Actually, this isn't for drinking.  You think I keep this bod looking this good just to piss it all away on booze--both literally AND figuratively-speaking?  N'aaawwwww, man!  Shit's not even my brand."

"Then what's the Nasty Daddy for?"

"A reminder," Clyde says, handing the adult beverage to his partner. Vagabond rolls the can slowly from hand to hand, almost like he's studying it.  "Of why we missed out the last time we were suppose to have a title match."

"I told you, those days are--"

"Behind us.  I know."

Vagabond hands the beer back to Clyde and rests his head against the tree, looking up at the sky.

"I take it you still aren't ready to talk about... you know..."

"Not much to talk about.  You can go your whole life not wanting something, find out you're getting it anyway, then lose it once you realize it's what you wanted all along."

"Considering what you and Jolene have been through, do you sympathize with Sarah Lacklan?"

"We shouldn't be talking about this."

Vagabond repeatedly taps the back of his head against the tree as Clyde draws circles in the dirt with a stick he found nearby--neither one looking very comfortable 'aye-tee-em.'

"Sorry."

"No worry."

More fidgeting.

"A handful of pills."

"Come again?"

"All the kid got away with was a handful of pills."

"You mean, the day Jolene got stabbed?"

"She was 5 months pregnant!  How could he have not known she was pregnant?  She was showing!  And she didn't even put up a fight!"

Tears in his eyes, Shaun "Vagabond" Fitz slams his head so hard even the tree can feel it, the frustration starting to consume him like it did nearly 2 years ago when it happened.  He takes in several deep breaths to calm himself down.

"After going off the deep end, I sobered up, but the fact that I wasn't there still haunts me."

"Because you were on the road too much?"

"Always, man.  It's what people like us do."

"Well, obviously she's okay with it now, or else she wouldn't have gotten Joe and I involved.  You know she'd only call Joe if it's good for business.  As for you showing up drunk that night we almost got our title shot, I forgive you."

"Oh, come on!  That place closed down.  It wouldn't matter much now, anyway."

Vagabond's mood visibly lightens.

"Then I guess we wouldn't have to defend them very often, now would we?"

"You're kinda missing the point, buddy," Vagabond says, laughing again.

"It's all good as long as I'm not missing another opportunity.  We've got our title shot next week.  I'm ready for it.  Are you?"

Clyde gets back on his feet and extends a hand to help his partner up.

"I was Vaga-Born ready!"

Neither man can keep a straight face or stop themselves from laughing.

"I hope your skills haven't diminished like your pride."

"I blame Joe.  He's got us doing all this stuff for the sponsors and promoters, I just don't know anymore."

"Well, we're definitely reusing Vaga-Born.  And I'm glad we had this chance to Vaga-Bond like old times."

"I see what you did there; very clever."

"You know, since we're on the topic of names, maybe you could explain Joe and Jolene's to me."

"You mean Joe Dohn and the woman formerly known as Jo Deane?  They're a play on John and Jane Doe.  They wanted to keep some anonymity.  Their real last name is a closely-guarded secret.  In fact, some people think she married me just so she wouldn't have to go by Jolene Poomouse anymore."

An 'oh, shit!  What have I done?!' look forms on Vagabond's face as Clyde stifles a laugh.

"As much as I would love to use that against Joe, Jolene not so much."

"Man, if she finds out what I've done we might end up missing out on yet another title shot."

"Oh, poo!"

"We better cut this camping trip early."

"Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" starts to play from somewhere.  Vagabond pats his pockets looking for his phone.

"Is that really your ring tone for Jolene?  Wait, you don't think there's any way she knows you spilled the beans already, do you?"

"No, it's Joe.  Inside joke."

"Oh, okay.  'Cause I can't imagine Jolene liking that song.  Can't really imagine her liking anything, come to think of it."

A raised eyebrow from Vagabond.

"Go for Bondo," Vagabond answers his phone.  We can't make out what Joe's saying, but judging by the underwhelmed look on Vagabond's face, it isn't great. "We just gotta go back and pack up the tents, then we'll be on our way."

Vagabond hits the end call button and slides his phone back into his pocket before picking up Clyde's backpack and handing it to him.

"Another meet and greet.  Joe says the turn out is better this time; something about an elevator, the ground level, and people really starting to get behind THeM."

"As in us, THeM?"

"Correct."

"So much for our weekend off."

"I've got the feeling we might get too busy to ever have another weekend off if everything goes according to plan.  With great success comes great responsibility."

"Almost makes me wish we weren't destined to win next week."

"Let's wait on counting our chickens, eh, Clyde?  Don't wanna jinx it."

"Well now I want some chicken nuggets."

"All right, all right.  Just let me grab my stuff and we'll be on our way."

Vagabond reaches for his camera and turns it off.



Scene Two
Date & Time:  March 10th / 2300 Hours (11PM)
Location: The Sun Bowl Stadium, El Paso, Texas

"I can't wait to be done with all this stupid 'Taggie Title' crap.  They're Championships, not fashion accessories!  Damn those dumb bimbos.  We rolling?  Fantastic."


The scene opens in the stands from which 30 to 45 thousand people will witness Weekend Warfare tomorrow night.  Joe Dohn, leaning back in one of the pull-down seats, his arms draped over the ones next to him, has on a pair of sunglasses even though it's night and only half of the stadium is lit up as XWF personnel begin to get things ready for the event.  Jolene is a few rows behind Joe, playing on her phone, and Clyde Rover is running up and down the stairs in preparation for the Tag Team Title match.  It's probably safe to assume that Vagabond's the one holding the camera, since he's usually the one obsessed with them.

"We're approximately 24 hours from The Honorable Mentions exiting this place as the NEW XWF Tag Team Champions.  Been telling y'all that for the last 2 weeks, but with the big night approaching I'd just like to make sure it sinks in.  We wouldn't want anyone to die from shock, or lose everything 'cause of one bad bet.  Because that would be, you know, bad.  Almost as bad as Sarah 'Already Had Her Fifteen Minutes of Fame and They Aren't Coming Back' Lacklan, and Angie 'Why Don't They Love Me Anymore?' Vaughn making a complete and utter JOKE out of the Tag Team Titles and they haven't even defended them.  Instead of doing what they should've been doing, i.e. representing the Tag Team Division, they both signed up for the tournament.  The SINGLES tournament.  Now because your priorities were mixed up, not only have you put an entire DIVISION on the back burner as of late, but you dumb broads went and got yourselves eliminated.  Angie lasted a wee bit longer, but she ended up right beside Sarah.  Could've been doing something productive with your time.  Something responsible.  Instead you went and made pretty little losers outta yourselves.  Congratulations.

"Poor wittle overly-emotional, 'totes' too fragile, Angie Vaughn.  Y'all done hurt her wittle feelings picking Ned Kaye over one of your own.  How do you suppose she's reacting to that right now?  'Totes' dramatically, of course!  Guys, she could be a cutter!

"Still, she hasn't been very talkative lately--which seems weird because normally that woman can fit so much jabber into so little time--but then again, she's probably just waiting until the last minute to suddenly remember she has a title defense to get ready for.  Oh, to be blonde!

"For 'realsies,' you guys!  We're worried about her!  The last thing she said was that she's running away to Maine!  But wait, why Maine?  Well, I don't know.  But anyway, that's the last thing we heard from her.  Last WE heard, anyway.  We've been busy.  One would think she'd WANNA be out rallying the troops.  I mean, we did what we could to rally some of her KAT sisters so maybe the pro-Barbie section won't get drowned out so easily.  But Angie, eventually the bimbo brigade is going to want to hear from their leader."

Joe removes his sunglasses and tucks them into his shirt collar.

"Running away isn't going to help you, Angie.  Either you show up here tomorrow night, or you risk forfeiting your half of the Belts.  Won't make a difference if you willingly bring the Title to the exchange, or Theo Pryce has to send a team out to the STA Ranch and relinquish you of it.  Doesn't matter if it's in the blueberry fields East of Bangor, Maine, in San Antonio, Texas, or here in El Paso--you're going to lose that Belt in, like I said, approximately 24 hours.

"If it were up to me, we wouldn't stop at the Tag Team Championships.  We'd take everything from you AND your half-sized, 'but OLDER' sister.  Beat you two down to the point where you admit you belong on a reality TV show, or on OnlyFans if your bodies hold up well enough, but NOT in a wrestling ring.  Luckily for you's girls, you're facing Vagabond and Rover, not me.  For some reason they've actually taken a liking to you two, professionally speaking.  Whereas I view this match as having only one obvious outcome, Vagabond seems to think this is a win-win situation and--how'd you put it?"

"Ultimately it's the fans, and the XWF Tag Team Division, that wins," we hear Vagabond's reply from behind the camera.

"And why is that?  Is it because the XWF Tag Team Division is so desolate that people like Peter F'n Gilmour can come right in at any time, with any partner, and take over, just like that?  Is it because the so-called Champions spend more time putting on their make-up than they do promoting the division they're suppose to represent?  If they spent even the length of time it took Sarah to defeat Atara Raven on putting the division ahead of their own egos and FEELINGS, then the division would be so much better off.  In these past two weeks, The Honorable Mentions have promoted the XWF Tag Team Division more than Elon Musk promotes electric cars, or Bill Gates promotes Microsoft, or Barney Green promotes booze!  The Honorable Mentions can be counted on to get the word out and to get the job done.  It's that simple.  The HSU, or The Cool Kids, or the FORMER Tag Team Champions as they'll be referred to from tomorrow night to infinity--or however long people remember them--have nothing on my boys.  Again, it's just that simple.  Clyde Rover is built like a brick mansion and has the energy of a 12-year-old, and Vagabond is a master strategist in the ring.  Together they've accumulated more victories than the number of days Sarah Lacklan held the Universal Title.  Anyone who follows the indy circuit ought to know The Honorable Mentions have been Uncrowned Champions for nearly a decade.  Theo Pryce knew it was too good an opportunity not to book this match.  A better team will be emerging in the XWF!  It is us, we are THeM."

Crickets.

"Yeah, well, anyway.  I view this match as an opportunity to work WITH the HSU in order to build up the division."

"Work WITH them, huh?  We're really burning the midnight candle at both ends, aren't we?  Maybe we should wrap this up and you guys go get some sleep.  You're starting to lose it."

"No sleep," says Rover as he jogs past Joe's row, heading back up to the top of the stairs.  "Got fifteen more to go.  Then warm-up's complete and my actual workout can begin."

"Oh, that guy is something else," Joe says, pointing up at Clyde who never breaks stride.  "Wish I'd signed with him sooner.   Anyway, there is no working with them, Bondo.  As history has shown us, they barely work together.  Sarah and Kenzie, Angelica Vaugh and John Madison Jr., Sarah and Angelica... No matter the combo... They may win the Titles, but successfully defending them is like Sarah or Angie taking a piss standing up... as in they can't do it!  I mean, maybe they COULD, but things would get all messy.  And gross.  Nobody but maybe Barney Green would wanna watch that."

"What is it with you bringing up Barney Green so much?  Aww!  Does my brother have a crush?" Jolene mocks Joe without even so much as glancing away from her phone.

"For a guy that has three balls where most have four, he's got the right attitude!  Fight, fight, fight!  Have a few drinks and then fight some more!"  Joe replies over his shoulder, then turns his gaze back to the camera, or at Vagabond.  Whichever the case may be.  "Maybe if things don't work out for us, you know, long term, I might go see if he needs a manager.  Or a piece of my liver."

"Seriously?"

"Naw!  Of course not!  I like clients who occasionally win!"  Joe yawns loudly, reminding us that it's almost midnight.  "I think we should wrap this up.  I feel like shootin' hooch and lickin' cooch.  Gotta be some ladies 'round here somewhere.  I'm headin' for a bar, anyone comin'?"

Vagabond & Clyde Rover (in unison): "NO!!"

Joe gets on his feet and puts his sunglasses on, then throws his leather jacket over his shoulder and makes to leave. Possibly being the closest we're gonna get to a cool ending, be sure to tune in tomorrow night! We's outta here!