It’s a crisp October evening, and some youthful indiscretion is afoot. Two young people, late teens perhaps, cavort down the night time beach and up to the edge of the water. The girl (attractive) turns to the guy (chad-tractive) and says,

Geez Chad, I bet it’s going to be really cold.

The young man contemplates his response for, or who are we fucking kidding he doesn’t contemplate much of anything. Damn bitch, just get them titties out.

The girl laughs slightly in the face of the gross misogyny. Oh Chad, you talk so sweet to me.

She turns towards the water and takes a deep breath before pulling her top off over her head, naturally revealing a couple of pert milkers that bobble in the moonlight. Chad also removes his shirt, which reads “staff” on the back much like his girlfriend Kimmy’s, revealing some sweet pectorals and washboard abs.

The good looking duo slowly wade out into the water, accompanied by Kimmy’s shrieks and Chad’s dull toneless bravado.

But, have we forgotten? Has it slipped our minds? Mother Truckers, this is….

HALLOWEEN! Season of badass skeletons, eating candy till you need your stomach pumped, and perhaps best of all, a random appearance from the XWF’s favorite knife slinging psychopath, MERCY.

Yes, Mercy. Whom we last saw putting in a kickass performance at War Games, including making Bobby Bourbon deuce his pants and tap out like a bitch, is now in her element. Namely, stalking and murdering pretty people.

Mercy watches the beautiful young couple from the treeline, her rage and urge to kill rising higher and higher. She pulls a sick looking blade from the sheath at her side when…



Mercy’s flip phone starts to buzz loudly. In a panic, Mercy grabs for it, almost dropping it into the dirt, in her mad scramble.

Meanwhile, back in the water…

Chad, did you hear that? I thought I heard something from that dark treeline over there. Maybe we should get back to camp.

Nah bitch, it’s just your stupid woman hormones making you hear shit.

Oh Chad! *Giggles*

Mercy, now in full control of the phone, hustles back further into the brambles and flips the phone open.

wHat?!

The voice on the other end is as familiar as it is regrettable. Don’t “what” me bitch! It’s Madison.

I….fIgUrEd….

Yeah, well, you got something to answer for. Are….there is a sudden silence on the line as Madison pulls it away from her face for some reason. That reason is encroaching laughter. Are you aware the name of your opponent at Warfare is GOTH?!

yEs.

BITCH WHAT?! You’re facing someone named fucking GOTH and you weren’t going to tell me?! What the fuck! Do you know how many jokes we could have already spit at this asshole? Do you understand how far behind we are?! Goth….GOTH! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Mercy curls her fists in her black gloves, betraying her frustration.

cOuLd yOu kEEp iT dOwn, I’M TrYing to….

Trying to what? Ohhhhhh….don’t tell me! Are you killing camp counselors again? That’s almost as hackneyed as this Goth shit licker. Why don’t you kill somebody people will notice, like a Kardashian. Not Khloe though, nobody cares about Khloe.

Goth, I swear to God. Ya know, in the time between wipes it took him to come up with that ultra innovative moniker, he could have at least sexed it up a little. Lord Goth. Dark Goth. But no. He settled for the most basic bitch pumpkin spice mocha latte bullshit he could think of. The most intellectually lazy, devoid of any specter of free thinking name he could muster. GOTH.

Mercy looks through the trees and sees that her victims are back on the beach, toweling off.

cOuLd yOU hURRY tHis UP?

Madison chortles indignantly. I’m sorry Mercy, you don’t “hurry” ART. And besides, you should be praising my vajazzled gash for doing YOUR work for you. AGAIN!

Sooo, yeah, anyway. I went ahead and looked up this guy’s bio on the XWF website and, surprise surprise, it was just full of laughs. I would send you a link but you insist on using a phone from the Clinton administration, so I guess I’ll just have to read you what I found.

Mercy’s shoulders slump.

First off, does this dork ass motherfucker have a soul patch? Oh ho, you know he does! In point of fact, it’s more like a soul track. Like a giant skid mark running down his chin. Anyway, here’s what we got.

Quote: Backstory/Important Character Details: Goth worked his way up by wrestling low or mid-card matches until he finally got his deserved shot at a championship belt and won (by beating the legendary Elizabeth Ashe).

Hold the phone, “legendary” Elizabeth Ashe? Raise your goddamn hands if you’ve ever heard of this bitch? Mmmmmmyyyeeeaahhhh, nobody? Nobody. And see, I hate it when these motherfuckers from these worthless podunk promotions roll up in here acting like they’ve just come from somewhere after beating up the second coming of Christ. You dumb ass whole, nobody knows who these people are! This information means NOTHING to us. Your wins, your legacy, your supposed great accomplishments, mean JACK SHIT in the XWF. So stop pretending like you’re some main event hot shot whose legend precedes you. The only thing that precedes you is the scent of the banana lube you coated your cock and balls with in yet another sullen masturbation session following yet another Tinder date gone to shit because the girl realized your brand of goth pastiche went out in the 90’s.

So what else we got?

Quote: After winning his first Global (world) title the name of Goth was starting to get on everyone’s lips. Beating legends like Chaos, Staniak, Jay Gold and other established names. It was clear that the GWA did indeed sign up a wrestler to be reckoned with. Having notorious feuds with AP Feight, Jaymz, Pain, Nathaniel Havok and even his own Brother it was a year that ended up with him getting screwed over by the owners who joined Zero Tolerance. The worst mistake they have ever made.

Whoa, are you talking about CHRIS Chaos, because otherwise none of those names mean a damn thing to us either. And even if you did beat Chris Chaos, well hey, congrats for pushing that turd back in. But you probably didn’t. It’s probably an even bigger no name than Chris Chaos, right? Are you comprehending this yet? Everything you are and everything you’ve done is but a fart in the wind to the XWF.

Okay, so there’s a lot more completely irrelevant shit here. I mean, a LOT. Mercy, you’ll just have to take my word for it because I can’t be arsed to wade through this utter pablum. And seriously, you need to stop being such a fucking Luddite and get a real phone…

But it’s clear Mercy is only half paying attention. Because her quarry is now putting their clothes back on and preparing to leave. She stomps a foot onto the ground, inadvertently breaking a twig in the process.

Back at the beach, Chad’s gaze turns to the tree line.

Ah, see, you heard that, didnt you?

Okay, maybe it’s not just your hormones babe. But if Jason Vorhees is out there I’m gonna fuck him up and make him eat his own dick. RAAAAAAHHHHHH!

Back behind the trees, Mercy gleefully claps her hands together as this prolific roid ape starts making a beeline for the trees. Mercy drops her phone to accept the oncoming attack and Madison, obliviously, keeps talking.

Hey, what was that? Nevermind, I’m sure you’re diligently listening and taking notes. Anyway, you know the best detail his bio yakked up?

Quote:2008

Yes, that’s right! Ol’ Gothykins hasn’t even done anything of note since 2008. THE YEAR OF OUR LORD TWO THOUSAND EIGHT. So not only is he a worthless poseur who hasn’t done anything of note, he hasn’t done anything of note in FOURTEEN YEARS. Can you imagine the rust on this motherfucker? Holy hell Merce you’re gonna eat him alive.

Oh, did I mention this shit actually has the gall to call himself The KIng of Kings? I mean, not like we haven’t heard that before, right? Heh heh heh….right? I’m not allowed to talk about that though.

Oh, and take a wild guess on his finishers names’? I’ll give you a hint, he thought of those during his subsequent wipe. Hahahahahahahahaha!

But, the sound of Madison’s shrill voice is already in the distance as Mercy sidles up behind a large tree. The hulking hulkling steps into the tree line.

If you saw my girlfriend’s pussy I’m gonna make you choke on your own scrote LOSER!

Chad ventures further and further into the trees. Mercy holds her knife aloft in silent preparation for the kill. Which is rather easy because Chad practically walks right into her. Mercy wheels out from behind the tree. Chad gasps as Mercy drives the knife up and under his jaw and through his upper jaw, finally silencing his misogynistic yap. But she’s not done. With a mighty twist and pull, she manages to pull both his upper and lower jaw right out of his face turning the bottom half of his head into a sucking gore hole where his yapper used to be. With a casual prod, she pushes Chad to the forest floor before setting in on his girlfriend, who is nervously standing about, hugging herself against the night’s chill and wondering where Chad went.

Chad? Hey Chad?! Where are you baby? Come out! This isn’t funny!

Mercy steps out from behind the tree line in full view of Kimmy. Instantly, her eyes widen at the sight of this horrific masked visage. She screams and starts tearing ass down the beach. Mercy is in pursuit, knife held aloft making her look precisely like the manic butcher she is. KImmy has a significant lead on her though. A lead which is stanched by her tripping on her high dollar open toes sandals and landing face first in the grit. She pushes herself to her feet, still belting out screams that go unheard by anyone but her savage pursuer. Mercy is gaining…gaining…until finally, with a mightly leap Mercy is atop her! Kimmy screams again, trying to fight Mercy off. But Kimmy is no Bobby Bourbon except perhaps in cup size and presence of a blubbering vagina, and if he didn’t stand a chance she certainly doesn’t! 

With a roar of satisfaction, Mercy brings the blade down right between Kimmy’s breasts, burying it deep to the hilt. Then, withdrawing the blade, she buries it again, and again, and again! Then, with a pondering tilt of the head. Mercy goes to work…?

The shot transitions back to Mercy’s dropped cell phone, which is currently being prodded by a racoon who doesn’t seem to mind Madison’s screeching cadence.

Of course, all this is not withstanding the fact that this supposed legend…this ICON….couldn’t topple the veritable smorgasbord of jobbers he had to face at Relentless. I mean, Preesh? Ringmaster? Oh and don’t think that just because Atara put some lipstick on a pig and took James’ last name means anything but that she’s glommed onto a better like a parasitic tick looking for a nibble. Atara is still the same old, same old mediocre fuck up we had in days or yore. And Goth lost to her. I guess she was just somehow more legendary than all those other spazzes he gloats about beating. But honey, if you can’t even get past Atara, you’re never even gonna break mid card here. Forget being the King of Kings, you’re more apt to be….to be…

BITCH ARE YOU STILL LISTENING?!

Suddenly, a couple of floppy detached breasts plop down next to the phone, scaring off the racoon.

oH yeAh, I’M liSTENiNg….

Mercy raises up her boot heel and brings it crashing down on the archaic phone, silencing Madison.

aNd gOtH is A DeAD mAn COmE WaRFAre….


OOC: Sorry, know this kinda sucks. Just remembered I had a match and didn't want to no show!