From Ruby’s Go-Pro…

It was a cold and crispy, 80-days ‘till Chrissy October night, and the Banana-Lime Blur was on a mission in the woods near her boyfriend’s cabin.

After having spotted lures to trick innocent animals into very literal deathtraps, the Super Dear’O had switched her usual gear for that of the Super Cam’O… And armed with a pair of supercalifragilisticexpialidocious binoculars, heat-seeking marbles, real fake Elvish rope and the cunning and determination of an apex herbivore, Ruby had been staking out the bushes all day.

Not in the way Jason Cashe does at a nudist beach, but moreso like an accredited adventurer does in the jungle… like a policeman does at a seedy cargo bay… like a DEA agent does at a Holden Ross ‘spa’. With patience, vigilance, discipline and a whoooooole lot of caffeine in her system.

See, Ruby didn’t usually shy away from sponsorship deals. Ruby’Ohs were, to this day, one of the best selling items in the XWF shop, and lauded for their fantastic nutritional value and fliptastic branding. But when the BANG! ENERGY people had approached her a few months ago to promote a new Banana-Lime flavor, she had initially been wary of their motives. Nothing good ever came out of those sponsorship deals. After all, nobody had ever even seen another rainbow unicorn after it had closed a sponsorship deal. The Bangster Berry, who Ruby had talked to for twenty minutes at the last iHeroCon, had vanished off the face of the earth. Same for Power Punch, Frosé Rosé, Strawberry Blast and Lemon Drop. And Ruby didn’t want to suffer the same fate as those lovely mystical creatures and vigilantes.

But she did feel guilty about living off of Centurion’s credit card (XWF’s Anarchy stars are severely underpaid after all, let’s start a UNION!!), and if promoting a new Banana-Lime Blur flavor of BANG! ENERGY was the way forward, then it was a small price to pay for justice.

So when the Super Cam’O, ironically dressed in colors that went against the scheme she was supposed to promote, heard a snapping of twigs across the dirt road, she shot out of the bush like a jane-outta-the-box, hooting and hollering at whatever would be unfortunate enough to fall within the sight of her eyeballs.

Ruby: “HOLE UP FAM! Caught you red-handed, didn’t I? I’ll have you know poaching is punishable by at least a dozen laws AND by-laws! Just ‘cause five-O ain’t rolling round the block every five seconds, it doesn’t mean you can just do whatever you please, you gosh darned motherflippin’ so-and-so! There’s rules to this ish!”

But Ruby’s words fell on… well, not even deaf ears, because there were no ears in the near vicinity, as the snapped twig she heard was apparently the one crushed underneath her own boot. And if there’s nobody to hear it, did it ever even make any noise at all?

Kind of embarrassed, she cast her eyes downward.

Ruby: “Oh…”

At least this wasn’t broadcast for all the world to see, right?? Oh, wait…

Ruby: “Motherflippin’ flip! Must’ve caught the wrong trail! That’s the harsh reality of the woods versus the concrete jungle I’m so used to! But never ye fear, me fellow landlubbers, ‘cause ya girl’s got plenty of options and ideas left! I will catch this evil poacher, even if it’s the last thing I do! Bank on that, my fam!”

And Ruby got rid of the camouflage  overlays on her Super Dear’O suit, which had been attached by Velcro.

Ruby: “Stealth is the most important thing ever! Now, then, and forever. It gives a ton of advantages, and I bet even Sun Tzu got a healthy portion of catching the enemy by surprise in The Art Of War. But see, that’s the most important thing about all of this. It’s ya girl, bringing Order back to Anarchy. And our Poor, Lanesome Cowboy at the helm is too scared to put me back in the mainest of main events ‘cause he knows I’ll ace it. But that’s fine. I’ll keep on griding, I’ll keep on acing, I’ll kep on fighting until there’s nobody left to fight and the Anarchy title has nowhere to go but home.

And home? My guy, it ain’t in the Unknown Soldier’s closet under the stairs to Heck. My Mans beat his bottom till it saw a gnarly shade of purple on the last Anarchy, and I’ll be happy to continue that tradition until his glutes look like raw red beets! So what if he’s all Satanic. Satan sound like seitan, and that’s a vegan gluten-rich meat substitute! Satan sounds like ‘Say tan!’, which is what you say when you get into a tanning bed for a nice session of relaxation. All that to just say that the proof is in the pudding, and I’ve seen nothing that would suggest fire and brimstone just yet. Just a faulty A/C unit and fleeting traces of sulphuric gas  that may have well escaped from the bottom of any farm animal.

Any-flippin’-hoo, it looks like I’ve got a ways to catch this poacher, for now. But Soulja Boy, you ain’t poaching this win from me. You ain’t poaching the next championship opportunity from me.

But just remember fam, no matter whether you’re alive or undead, celebrity or unknown, civilian or soldier,…the best ability is accountability and I am here to keep an eye out on all of you! To help YOU be your best you! To help ME bring about some of that world peace stabiliTY! And last but far from least: to bring some much needed Order to Anarchy! Banana-Lime Blur, aka the Super Cam’O, aka the best and newest BANG flavor around… out”

*end broadcast*