Wide, panning shots of the gorgeous Hawaiian archipelago light up the airwaves as high altitude CamBot X drones hover above the Pacific Ocean. We see the lush rolling hills, impeccable beaches, and finally, the coup de grace, an erupting Hawaiian Volcano!!!
Now THAT’s pyro, baby!
The drones circle the crowd and fine fans holding up signs they made at home… even while wearing grass skirts!
THIS
IS
NOT
THURSDAY
CENT VS. SOLDIER
WHAT IS THIS
2005?
SAVANNAH KNIGHTLEY:
NEXT FORMER WRESTLER
ON ONLYFANS
GIVE RUBY THE GOLD
Finally the drones find “Loverboy” Vinnie Lane and his broadcast partner, the bombastic Bama T.! Bama, Vinnie, and the little chihuahua Sassafras are all wearing flowered leis around their necks. Please don’t have them make that one joke…
Vinnie Lane: "Hey everybody We all got LAID!"
Damn it.
Bama: "I am loving it here in the fiftieth state, Vinnie! Now I see why you waited so long… just like Vanessa Williams said, baby, you went and saved the best for last!"
Vinnie Lane: "That’s right folks, we are here at our 50 State Celebration! This show marks the moment that Anarchy has visited every state in the US of A! We’ve got us a luau to go to right after the main event, and the hula dancers are loose and ready to roll… but first we have got some GREAT action. Bama, tell ‘em what we got"
Bama: "How about a brawl between Lord Raab and Alex Blade? Or a one on one between Savannah Knightley and former Anarchy Champion Elijah Martin in his return to the Blue? If that ain’t enough for ya, we got the Latina Submission Machina in the ring with Jason Cashe, and two all-timers squaring off for the FIRST TIME EVER, Centurion and Unknown Soldier!"
Vinnie Lane: "All that PLUS the Anarchy Championship is on the line as Mastermind defends the gold against the pleistocene powerhouse EDWARD! But first… let’s get to the ring to start things off with a six man tag!"
Cameras shift to the ring as music pumps through the PA system.
HGH & TEAM MAGA
- vs -
RUBY & THE T.H.U.G.S.
We open with all six competitors ready to roll. Ruby is chit-chatting over with Tommy Wish about her foot size as John Black stands in the corner of the ring, rolling his head around his neck and bouncing around on his heels, clearly ready to get it on! Over in the other corner we see HGH and the MAGA team arguing about who’s going to start, with HGH insisting he shouldn’t have to start- and the MAGA guys saying he should! Eventually O. Bay steps into the ring, and the referee calls for the bell!
Vinnie Lane: "Well that was a bit dysfunctional!"
Bama: "It’s three mega-stars on one team, Vinnie! What else did you expect? You can’t have three Chad Ocho-Cincos on one starting lineup! That math doesn’t work!"
John Black charges forward first and pushes his opponent into a neutral corner, before he starts completely teeing off on O. Bay. He hits him with a forearm and a big right hand before he switches to devastating chest chops that look deadly. O Bay’s chest immediately starts to redden and swell, and then John Black pulls him out of the corner for a suplex that he executes perfectly! Black hooks the leg and tries to make the quick cover!
1!
KICKOUT!!
Bama: "Not even close!"
Vinnie Lane: "But HGH still doesn’t look too happy about how this match has started! I don’t think he believes TEAM MAGA is giving it their all!"
HGH is screaming tips and tricks into the ring, but he’s completely infuriated that they seem to be falling on deaf ears. HGH starts to argue in his corner with Boots Lichter as O. Bay tries calling over for a hot tag. The bickering partners, however, don’t even notice T-Law, allowing John Black to grab him by the legs and drag him back to the center of the ring! JB starts going to town with big boots to T Law’s back until he stops squirming. Then, JB picks him up and chucks him into the corner!
JB charges over and delivers a huge forearm strikes to T-Law that forces him to take a seat. JB then tags in Ruby as Tommy Wish whistles as her, much to her annoyance. Ruby rolls her eyes and steps into the ring before setting her sights on her downed opponent in the corner. Ruby starts hyping up the fans as HGH and Boots Licher continue to argue on the sidelines.
Ruby bounces off the ropes before doing a bunch of flippy dippy stuff, eventually finishing off with a huge dropkick straight to T-Law’s jaw! Ruby kips right back up to her feet before picking O Bay back up and looking at him with a twinge of sympathy in her eye for what’s about to happen.
RUBY CUTTER!
Bama: "RUBY CUTTER ALREADY?! He needs help in that ring!"
Vinnie Lane: "But who’s going to help O.Bay T Law? His teammates are fighting each other!"
Sure enough, we see HGH and Boots Lichter arguing intensely on their corner of the ringside apron. That’s when HGH finally decides he’s had enough and suckerpunches Boots in the jaw, knocking him stone cold the fuck out with just one punch. HGH flips off everyone else in the match before jumping off the apron and heading to the back just as Ruby makes the cover on T Law.
Bama: "HGH is just leaving TEAM MAGA to the wolves!"
Vinnie Lane: "Well…can you blame him? I don’t think anyone really likes those guys.”
The ref counts the pin!
1!
2!!
3!!!
Winners by Pinfall - Ruby & The THUGS
Vinnie Lane: "HGH just turned this match upside down! What the heck!"
Bama: "He's too big of a deal for those bozos! He knew he was gonna have to carry them to a win so he decided just take a hike instead!"
Vinnie Lane: “Great match there, but what a shocker of an ending! HGH just flipped the script on Team MAGA and hung his own partners out to dry! I think we need a commercial break to sort this out in our minds…”
ALEX BLADE
- vs -
LORD RAAB Singles
After returning from commercial break, we barely get cameras rolling again in time to see Lord Raab catching Blade with a CHOKEINATOR!!!
1!
2!!
3!!!
Winner by Pinfall - Lord Raab
Vinnie Lane: “Wow! Lord Raab made short work of Alex Blade just now… did we get any of it on tape?!”
Bama: "I don’t think so, Vinnie, but I seent it with my own two eyes. Lord Raab… is on a winning streak?"
Vinnie Lane: “Well at least we know there’s no way anything as weird as that can happen twice in a row! Let’s take another quick commercial just to prove it!!”
ELIJAH MARTIN
- vs -
SAVANNAH KNIGHTLEY
Cameras return the view to the Anarchy ring, where Savannah Knightley is tapping out like crazy to a side headlock from Elijah Martin!!!
Winner by Submission - Elijah Martin
Vinnie Lane: “Dang it.”
Bama: "Was that a headlock!? Did she tap to a damn headlock!?!?!?"
Catering tonight had some traffic to it as the XWF hovered over the setting. People eating, filling plates. Some have conversations with others while enjoying a snack or meal. Turning to face the doors as they open, you see Jason Cashe entering the area with a hand pressed against his stomach.
Jason Cashe: "I'm hungry!"
The place was busier than Cashe had noticed it being before. Scanning the room to see what the spread of food was but also who might be in the area as well. He sees a familiar face.
Jason Cashe: "Bam!"
The whole room turns their head as Cashe calls out to Bam Miller across the room.
Jason Cashe: "How the hell are ya!?"
Making his way towards Bam. Cashe smiles as he closes the space between them. Extending a hand, offering a handshake, Cashe seemed to be sarcastically respectful in the moment.
Bam Miller: "What do you want? Don't you have a match to prepare for?"
Jason Cashe: "I do, yes. I came to get a bite to eat. Seen any good movies recently?"
His hand was still offered but Bam wasn't taking the offer. Cashe's eyes glance over to the table at Bam's side to see that Bam had his brick with him.
Jason Cashe: "Anything good on the menu?"
Finally, his handshake offer had expired as his hand dropped. Cashe moves past Bam and grabs the brick from the table. Bam goes to react but Cashe took a step back and tossed it up, catching it in one hand and repeating that process.
Bam Miller: "I don't like it when people touch my brick.."
He extends his open hand, expecting Cashe to just give him the brick. Cashe scoffs a smile.
Jason Cashe: "Bam, Bam, Bam.. If you were in Porn, would your name be Bam the Ram or Bam the…"
He lifts up the brick.
Jason Cashe: "Brick?"
Bam Miller: "Can I have my brick or am I going to have to take it?"
The two of them hold their long glares at one another. Cashe is the first to break from their game of staring and he goes back to tossing up the brick. He does it twice and then turns before pitching the brick across the room at the far wall. Back to Bam, Cashe gives him a grin.
Jason Cashe: "Fetch!"
Yes, the 'DiOGee' was telling someone to fetch. There was an irony to it and everyone in the catering area went dead quiet. One guy with a mouthful of food just hurried to leave the scene. To say that Bam looked mad was an understatement. He looked furious but he kept his composure right as it looked like he was about to combust.
Moving past Cashe, Bam walked across catering and stood above where his brick laid on the floor. It had a corner that was chipped from being thrown. Sighing, he bends over and pulls it off the floor. Petting off the crumbs near where it broke. Bam treated it as you would something you love and took care of.
Jason Cashe: "This fucking guy! Can you believe this shit?!"
Looking around, Cashe was seeing nothing but staring eyes of surprise at the scene. He was laughing but nobody else was.
Jason Cashe: "First Elijah and now THIS soft marshmallow motherfuc–"
Bam Miller rocketed that Brick like he was Starting in the World Series. Cashe being lucky to be across the room, barely was able to dodge it as it hurled towards him, aimed directly at his face. The brick hit the wall behind Cashe and a few people were ducked down. Bricks were flying, fuck a food fight. Cashe looks back at the brick and snaps at Bam, charging forward with little hesitation.
That guy who hurried away a bit ago? He was a snitch that deserves stitches as he returns just as Bam Miller and Jason Cashe collide into each other with violence in mind. With him were Security Guards and soon catering was packed as the two men were held apart.
Jason Cashe: "You're a BITCH! A coward!!"
Bam Miller: "Fuck you! I won't miss next time, I BET you that!!"
As Security escorts them from catering, people go back to getting their grub on with a new topic to gossip about.
UNKNOWN SOLDIER
- vs -
CENTURION X-Treme Rules
“Hail Satan" by Crucifyre blares over the Xtron system"
Unknown Soldier prays to SATAN! in the middle of the ring while a red pentagram traces him from above in the rafters. The red disco lights tracing the pentagram around Soldier continues to encircle him constantly in a counter clockwise motion. While standing in the center of this pentagram of glowing lights, he kneels and touches both his shoulders and forehead as a sign of the Unholy trinity. In the name of the Liar, the Sinner, and the great father and lord of all that is Evil!
Vinnie Lane: "And here comes the Unknown Soldier, one of the most notorious X-treme rules wrestlers in XWF history!"
Bama: "Unknown Soldier? I know all about this guy after seeing him whoop so much ass on Anarchy!"
Centurion walks to the ring with a bandage around his left eye, impairing his vision. He doesn’t seem to have any trouble walking down the ramp, however, and he slides right beneath the bottom rope looking for a fight!
Vinnie Lane: "Wow dude, what’s wrong with Centurion’s face?!!"
Bama: "On Wednesday night Goth stuck his dirty thumbnail in Centurion’s eye, and I think he might have infected it! I saw a photo of it online. Gnarly stuff.!"
Vinnie Lane: "Ewww.”
DING! DING! DING!!!
The ref calls for the bell and Centurion shoots towards Unknown Soldier like a bullet from a .50 cal, quickly and without remorse. While Soldier is just standing there with a cocky grin, the slightly shorter Centurion hits him in the chin with a charging headbutt, staggering him back to the corner! Centurion immediately follows up with a few elbows to the face, bloodying up Soldier’s lip, before Centurion charges to the center of the ring- then back towards Soldier for a splash!
Bama: "Centurion is on fire!"
Vinnie Lane: "But I think Soldier is about to dampen that flame!”
Unknown Soldier wisely puts a boot up, forcing Centurion to eat nothing but shitheel. Cent staggers away from the corner, turning away from Soldier. The Unknown Soldier then runs out from the corner and catches Centurion around the neck, bringing him down with a running bulldog! As the two slam to the mat Soldier reaches down and rips off the bandage over Centurion’s eye, before covering his finger in his own lipblood and poking it in Centurion’s wounded eye!
Bama: "He might be trying to give Centurion AIDS!"
Centurion rolls towards the edge of the ring while Unknown Soldier kips up to his feet and starts telling all the little Centurion fans in the crowd to lick his scrotum and kiss his foreskin.
Bama: "I think Unknown Soldier is having a little bit too much fun in there!!"
Vinnie Lane: "Uhhh yeah, because look what Centurion’s got now!!”
Unknown Soldier walks back towards Centurion, who is now rising to his hands and knees. Soldier suddenly breaks into a deadsprint as he delivers a running knee straight to Centurion’s ascending jaw, knocking him to the mat, flat on his back! Soldier shrugs his shoulders and decides to attempt the cover.
1!
2!!
KICKOUT!
Bama: "I thought he might’ve had him! Centurion’s eye looks sickly tonight!”
Vinnie Lane: "If medical cleared him, that means Centurion’s good to go- and that he’s got plenty left in his tank!”
Soldier looks at Centurion’s injured eye before laughing to himself and slapping Centurion a few times without much reason. Soldier then lifts Centurion up and irish whips him into the ropes! Centurion bounces back off the ropes, charging straight into Soldier before being suddenly lifted into the air and dropped onto Soldier’s knee, crotch-first! Soldier cackles to himself as Centurion’s face betrays the pain in his nether regions.
Soldier walks around the ring, flexing and gloating to the fans, before he eventually circles back around to Centurion, but it looks like Centurion has already rolled out of the ring!
Vinnie Lane: "Unknown Soldier lost his focus, and now he’s lost track of his opponent!”
Turns out Centurion isn’t playing any fucking games tonight, not after the bullshit Goth pulled last night, and not after Unknown Soldier’s complete disrespect all week long. Centurion slides back into the ring with a steel folding chair, and as Unknown Soldier turns around he walks right into an unprotected head shot! And then another!
Soldier collapses to the ground, where he is then hit with a smattering of additional chair shots! Centurion is going to town, until the chair literally breaks into pieces! That’s when Soldier finally has the chance to roll out of the ring, battered and bruised.
Bama: "I haven’t seen Centurion go this HAM in a while!"
Vinnie Lane: "Well it’s X-treme rules, so Centurion is just doing what he has to do to win against a hardcore freak like Soldier!”
Centurion, still holding the leg of the broken chair, looks around for his opponent. Unable to see him in the ring, Centurion goes to ask the ref where he went. The ref doesn’t prove any help, and now Centurion is resorting back to looking around the outskirts of the ring with his one good eye…and he doesn’t seem to be having much luck! Unknown Soldier has now risen to his feet, and has stolen a small child’s soda from the front row- but instead of drinking the soda, Soldier throws it into the ring, decking Centurion right in the crotch! Centurion looks down in frustrated annoyance, once again unable to place Soldier as he starts skipping around the outskirts of the ring.
Vinnie Lane: "Liquid to the groin isn’t going to hurt, unless it’s toxic flesh-eating venom, but boy it sure does look embarrassing!”
Bama: "It kind of looks like Centurion pissed himself! And he’s having a hard time finding Soldier with his bad eye! Unknown Soldier is making a complete mockery of this match!!"
The fans try to point Centurion towards Soldier’s ever changing position outside the ring, so that the babyface hero can be ready for the next dastardly attack. After having a fit of laughter and giggles, Unknown Soldier finally slides back into the ring, cocky as can be….but his giggle gave his location away. Soldier rolls right in only to get staked in the chest by Centurion’s broken chairleg! Soldier lays there, gasping for air, before Centurion rips the bloody chair leg out and throws it to the crowd!
Vinnie Lane: "Someone is getting a great souvenir tonight!”
Centurion lifts a groggy Soldier up and finishes him off with a Fabula Nova Crystallis (one winged angel)! Soldier hits the mat, possibly dying, and an exhausted Centurion rolls him over for the pin!
1!
2!!
3!!!
Winner by Pinfall - Centurion
Vinnie Lane: "What a big time W for Centurion! The man is a classic, Bama, dependable like the tides and Halley's Comet!”
Bama: "HUGE win, Vinnie! This puts Centurion back on the winning track after taking a loss on Warfare... even while working through an injury!"
The scene cuts to the outside and the words 'earlier today' are shown in the corner. The camera is focused on a t-shirt that has been laid out on the ground, it reads: 'I Mastered "Venom" Xavier Lux'. Suddenly the sounds of someone unzipping their pants is heard followed by the flow of urine, right unto the t-shirt. After what seems like forever, and the shirt is completely soaked, we hear zipping sounds again. The camera turns to see where the 'stream' came from to reveal Xavier Lux himself, though not quite himself, if you saw his promo you know that he is now forced to wear a mask that covers his nose and mouth as well as neck brace like device. He looks really cool if you just use your imagination, but even if you don't, you can still see his eyes and he is not a happy man. He takes out a box of matches, lights one up and tosses it unto the shirt. It catches fire away. The camera man takes a step or two back but stays focused on Xavier.
Yeah, that's right, I piss fuel.
Just like I pissed on your stupid shirt Master Mind, I piss at the thought that I am going to go to the back of the line after the shit you pulled last week.
Nah.
Winner by submission? I didn't exactly submit did I? I passed out from an illegal substance you used that has left me like this!
And since Vinnie boy is cool with whatever, well, now it's my turn to leave you and your crew of misfits passed out... but I don't need illegal chemicals... All I need is this....
Xavier Lux shows a spiked bat, classic, he puts it over his shoulder and then walks past the camera, heading inside the arena. The camera stays focused on the burning t-shirt for a few more moments before fading to black.
"VENOM" XAVIER LUX
- vs -
BIG MONEY OSWALD Falls Count Anywhere
Before the entrances begin, a warning announcement can be heard coming from the arena’s PA systems.
“ATTENTION. ATTENTION. IN THE INTEREST OF SAFETY AND WELL-BEING FOR ALL PEOPLE IN ATTENDANCE TONIGHT, WE ASK EVERYBODY WITHIN THE FIRST THREE ROWS OF SEATING TO FOLLOW SECURITY AND BE BROUGHT TO A SAFER LOCATION FOR THE DURATION OF THIS MATCH. THANK YOU FOR YOUR ASSISTANCE.”
Vinnie Lane: “Yeah… I think this is for the best. I mean, everyone and their Mom knows what Oswald can do when he takes the stick out of his butt, and Xavier… I don’t think he’s in a very good mood himself…”
Bama: “I gotta admit… this ain’t givin’ me good vibes about this match…”
Bama: “God damn, does that boy not look good.”
Vinnie Lane: “Hey, you said it, not me. I, uh… think he’s taking the lost to Mastermind a bit hard… makes you wonder just how this is gonna go, isn’t it?”
The lights in the building start to flicker, matching the opening riffs and drums of Disturbed's 'The Infection'. After the intro, a brief pyro explosion goes off in the entrance and as lyrics of the song begin, Xavier Lux steps out from behind the smoke left by the pyro. He stands there sporting his finest black and green gear, looking around at the XWF crowd most of whom boo him loudly after his recent actions. He shakes his head in disappointment and instead just walks straight to the ring, while clearly wearing his brand new breathing machine around his neck. He smirks before making his way down the ramp, keeping his focus on the ring. Once he gets to ringside, he hops on the apron, wiping his boots showing his respect to the canvas where he is about to practice his craft. He then gets inside and makes his way to the corner, climbs to the second turnbuckle and again just looks around at the crowd who is now giving him a mix reaction. He acknowledges a fan here and there who is showing him support before hopping down from the ring; he checks in with the ref and then gets ready for the match as his music dies down.
[/color]
His music hits, soon the ramp opens up and slowly Oswald begins to rise. His ornate cane planted in the platform, dressed to the nines like always. The crowd starting to chant "MAY-HEM! MAY-HEM! MAY-HEM! MAY-HEM!" Once he was equal to the stage, he flung open his arms to form a t, letting out a loud roar, before grinning as he steps forward, making his way as he slowly unbuttons his suit jacket, his tie, his dress shirt, and unbuttoning the Billion Dollar Championship belt, handing it, his clothes, and the cane, to one of his servants as they appear. But before Oswald can get into the ring -
Vinnie Lane: “WOAH! Lux just hopped out to ringside! He’s already trying to take the fight to Oz!”
Bama: “Looks like that walk-off moment from before is still livin’ rent-free in his head!”
DING! DING! DING!!!
Lux is wasting no time against Oswald on the outside as the referee is forced to follow along! Elbows and forearms are being hammered and battered onto Oswald’s skull and it’s like a machine-gun! Oswald has to cover up to protect himself, but shots are breaking through! Lux creates some separation for just a brief moment, shoving Oswald into one of the nearby ring posts. He revs up, trying to get a running head-start -
- ONLY FOR OSWALD TO DUCK DOWN AND GIVE LUX A BACK BODY DROP INTO THE RINGPOST!
Vinnie Lane: “SHEESH! Lux is gonna be feeling that one tomorrow!”
Bama: “It’s a car crash out there, dawg! You can’t look away, but the more you look, the worse it gets!”
Oswald takes a moment, shaking out the cobwebs, before turning his attention back to Lux and picking up the much shorter man by his neck brace. Lux tries quickly fighting back with sharp shots to the gut, before bringing him into a front facelock. Lux is trying to… hit Oswald with a snap suplex?!
Vinnie Lane: “HE’S CRAZY! Good luck trying to lift Oswald like that! He’s got half a foot on you, Lux!”
Bama: “Half a foot and a hundred pounds! But I don’t think that’s gonna be stopping him from trying!”
Oswald manages to cut off the attempt though with a sharp fist to the midsection, causing Lux to double over. Oz wastes no time himself, grabbing onto Lux again by the neck brace and he THROWS HIM RIGHT OVER THE BARRICADE!
Vinnie Lane: “Welp - good thing we told everyone to evacuate!”
Bama: “Nobody there better be takin’ their sweet time with getting out of there!”
Lux immediately is back on his feet, and like a man possessed, tries to claw his way back over the barricade to get right back on top of Oswald - but Oz sees it coming as he turns around and HITS LUX WITH A PELE KICK! IT HITS HIM RIGHT ON THE SKULL, SENDING HIM BACK!
Vinnie Lane: “I’m never gonna get used to seeing just how he moves like a darned cruiserweight.”
Lux is woozy, but manages to get back onto his feet as he shakes out the cobwebs. He forces himself back onto his feet, ONLY TO SEE OZ RUNNING TO JUMP OVER THE BARRICADE AND TRY HITTING HIM WITH A HURRICANRANA -
- CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!
Bama: “THAT BOY JUST THREW A DAMN CHAIR AT HIM WHILE HE WAS IN MID-AIR!”
Vinnie Lane: “Yeah… no way Oz is feeling good after that, ‘God’ or not…”
OSWALD GETS LAID OUT AFTER HAVING THE CHAIR THROWN AT HIM IN MID-AIR! LUX DODGED A BULLET THERE, BUT HE’S RIGHT BACK INTO THE FIRE AS HE SLIPS INTO MOUNT AND HAMMERS AWAY ON OSWALD! RIGHTS AND LEFTS COME RAINING DOWN, AND HE’S INTENT ON TRYING TO BLOODY HIM!
Bama: “So, boss man… you think gods can bleed?”
Vinnie Lane: “I dunno, but something tells me we’re about to find out…!”
BUT OSWALD USES HIS FREAKISH STRENGTH TO IMMEDIATELY SWEEP LUX AND NOW IT’S HIM ON TOP! AND HIS FREAKISHLY LARGE FISTS ARE THE ONES HAMMERING DOWN ON LUX!
DOWN ON HIS FOREHEAD!
DOWN ON HIS NOSE!
DOWN ON THE BREATHING MACHINE WHICH CRACKS UNDERNEATH HIS FIST!
HE PUNCHES! HE PUNCHES! HE PUNCHES! AND SOON IT’S LUX WHO’S THE ONE BLEEDING UNDERNEATH THIS ASSAULT!
Vinnie Lane: “Bloody-Handed God…”
Bama: “You say somethin’, boss man?”
Vinnie Lane: “That’s what he is right now. A Bloody-Handed God. Sheesh, he’s a lot more freakish than the days when I was active still…”
BUT LUX SHOOTS UP AND HITS OSWALD WITH A HEADBUTT! Oswald stumbles back onto his feet, not going down as he finds his footing while Lux gets back onto his feet!
Lux throws kick after kick to Oswald’s midsection, seemingly intent on felling the beast, but he still doesn’t go down! Lux grabs the chair he threw earlier, and throws it right back at Oswald yet again! The big man catches the chair in mid-air, but Lux rushes in to kick it into his face with a dropkick! BUT OSWALD STILL DOESN’T FALL AS HE’S ON WOBBLY LEGS!
Bama: “How’s he not falling right now?! Anyone else on the roster would’ve been done and dusted already!”
LUX RUSHES IN TO HIT A HURRICANRANA, AND OSWALD GOES SAILING INTO A ROW OF EMPTY SEATS! BUT HE FALLS INTO A SITTING POSITION ON ONE OF THE CHAIRS, STILL SOMEHOW NOT FALLING!
Lux sees his opening! He roars into the air, trying to rush in with a chair in hand for another chair-assisted dropkick -
- BUT OSWALD GETS BACK UP AND CLOCKS LUX IN THE JAW BEFORE HE CAN EVEN JUMP! His blood practically goes flying off his face as he’s out on his feet, crumbling to the ground, but before he can get laid out fully, Oswald has him up by his breathing machine! He turns Lux around, sinking in a waist lock as he eyes up the chairs behind him now…
GERMAAAAAAAAAAN…
SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUPLEX INTO THE CHAIRS!
Vinnie Lane: “Those chairs just got folded up like an accordion underneath Lux’s weight! No way he’s still in this now!”
Bama: “Finally about to be over, then…”
Oswald marches over, placing a boot on the fallen Lux’s chest as the referee counts!
Oswald just laughs at the display though! He’s still not fazed by Lux’s resiliency as he’s calling for the end! He picks him up by the skull one last time, trying to set up for the Deletion as he taunts the fans -
BUT LUX SPRINGS BACK TO LIFE! HE HITS OSWALD WITH A THRUST TO THE THROAT THAT LEAVES THE GOD GASPING FOR AIR! GRITTING HIS TEETH, HE SHOVES OSWALD THROUGH THE ROW SECTION AND HAS HIM HITTING AGAINST THE RAILING AND REELING! OSWALD TURNS AROUND -
- DROPKICK TO THE JAW BY XAVIER LUX! ‘THE TOXIN’ HITS TO PERFECTION AS OSWALD IS ON WOBBLY LEGS!
Vinnie Lane: “Even THE TOXIN isn’t taking Oswald down! What does Lux have to do to bring the big man down?!”
Bama: “I don’t think you CAN! He’s got him a couple times, but never got him on the ground on his own! He’s just so damn big!”
Lux has a crazed look in his eye though, and isn’t taking no for an answer! He places Oswald against the railing by his groggy skull, before giving a sadistic howl into the air! He eyes him up before setting up -
SHOOT KICK TO THE SKULL!
AND AGAIN!AND AGAIN! AND AGAIN! AND AGAIN! AND AGAIN!
VINNIE’S QUESTIONS ARE SOON ANSWERED, AS THE REFEREE GOES TO CHECK ON THEM AFTER THAT VICIOUS DEATH VALLEY DRIVER!
XAVIER LUX MANAGES TO SLIDE HIMSELF ON TOP OF OSWALD FOR THE COVER!
1!
2!!
3!!!
WINNER - XAVIER LUX!
Vinnie Lane: “And just like that, Xavier Lux proves exactly why he was in that Anarchy Title match last time! It took Mastermind’s whole crew AND some chemistry to take down Venom, and now he’s just gotten past a BRUTAL encounter with Big Money!”
Bama: “The only thing stopping Xavier Lux now is himself… he’s got the goods, he just needs to stay out of his own head!”
JASON CASHE
- vs -
LATINA SUBMISSION MACHINA Submission Match!
As soon as LSM's theme music hits the speakers the lights go dim as the crowd starts cheering for their favorita luchadora. As the bass bumps through the arena the crowd chants along to the slightly modified music. A spectacle of green and red pyrotechnics shoot up twenty five feet in the air from their base on the entrance platform. A complimentary arrangement of pyro shoots up through the four turnbuckles of the ring.
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
A green, a red, and a white spotlight shine down from the rafters, randomly perusing through the rambunctious crowd as they await their champion-quality luchadora. After a few seconds all three of the spotlights are directed towards the entrance tunnel.
Who's this?
Latina Submission Machina pops out onto the illuminated entrance ramp alongside an additional burst of multicolor fireworks. The crowd pops hard for the luchadora as she holds her arms up high over her head to pose.
MACH-IN-A! MACH-IN-A!
Announcer: Weighing 145 pounds and standing at 5 foot seven inches tall, fighting out of Ciudad Juárez, she is the former XWF X-treme Champion… she is LATINA SUBMISSION MACHINA!
The luchadora bounces around just outside the tunnel before posing once more with a satisfied smirk. LSM flips her hair to the side before she starts walking down the ramp amidst thunderous applause with a big chip on her shoulder. The multicolored spotlights follow LSM every step of the way. The luchadora briefly pauses to give out a few high fives and to take a few courtesy photos with the front-row fans.
When she finally hits the squared circle Latina Submission Machina slides beneath the bottom rope and into the ring. LSM quickly starts pumping up the crowd to cheer louder. Moments later Latina Submission Machina quickly breaks away and starts running the ropes of the ring, testing out the squared circle and getting a feel for it's qualities. Once she's content with it's fitness, the luchadora grabs a hold of the ropes and comes to a controlled halt. She turns to the referee and tells them she's ready to go. The luchadora heads to the corner as instructed and begins reveling in the applause of her fans as she blows many kisses out to the crowd.
Vinnie Lane: “Big fight feel here, y’know?”
Bama: “You think so?”
Vinnie Lane: “I know so, dude. LSM’s hungry and wanting to get a bit of success back on her side after she lost her title to Big Preesh! What better way to do that than by going over one of Theo’s boys on the big stage here on Anarchy?”
Bama: “Well, when you put it like that, baby, I gotta agree! With the kind of matches we’re getting tonight, I’d like to meet anyone who still says Anarchy isn’t the A-show!”
The hymn-like hum vibrates through the area before Lauren Hill soundfully brings in the chorus. Jason Cashe comes out from the back with Josslynn Spencer holding his hand. His eyes are covered by sunglasses. Looking around the arena at the live audience, his eyes stay hidden behind the shades. Taking a long drag off an air joint, Cashe howls up into the sky, a few fans howl with him. Josslynn gives him a 'good game' slap to the butt and they head down to the ring.
Announcer: From Houston, Tejas by way of Decatur, Georgia.. A truly Troubled One they call DiOGee.. Jaaaassoooon! CAAAASHE!!
Stopping as the aisle turns to ringside, Cashe drags a foot creating an imaginary line. This is the line where when passed, the talking stops. Giving Josslynn a kiss, she heads around the ring as Cashe steps into a jog, leaping up on the apron onto his left knee. He stands, ducking under the top rope to enter the ring. Taking off the sunglasses as he enters, he rushes across the ring and launches them deep into the crowd. Growling a roar to the live audience, showing he was ready to scrap.
LSM’s face is ready, set and determined - a stark contrast to the almost cocky confidence Cashe has on his face, pacing around and bouncing up and down on his feet.
Vinnie Lane: “You know, for someone who knows like… not even five submissions properly, Jason Cashe sure is confident.”
Bama: “Hot dang, he’s like a fish out of water right here! How’s a dawg who don’t know any submissions gonna cause one of the best tap-out artists we got here to submit?”
Vinnie Lane: “He probably has something up his sleeve. After all, he may have like… nothing going for him in terms of holds, but his resiliency is elite! I don’t think it’s gonna be easy for ole’ El-Es-Em to get a tap-out here.
DING! DING! DING!!!
And we’re off! Cashe wastes no time trying to bring the fight to LSM in her corner, trying to go for a heavy-handed snap jab to follow up, but LSM quickly sidesteps the punch! Smart thinking and lateral movement by her as she quickly makes Cashe pay for his speediness with a sharp shin kick! Cashe backs up, having to shake the pain out of his leg for a moment…
Vinnie Lane: “Real clash of styles here, lemme tell you, dude. Cashe just marches on ahead like he’s on a warpath constantly and can stand and bang like the best of ‘em. But then, LSM practically has the calling card of always being able to duck and weave and avoid these strike exchanges like nothing else!”
Bama: “Yeah, and lemme tell ya, it’s like the irresistible force meetin’ the immovable object in there…”
LSM wags her finger at Cashe, telling him to try again, causing him to have to nod in agreement. He raises his hands again, trying to move into striking range, but this time he’s far more cautious in his range. LSM stays light on her feet, trying to wait for an opening to show itself…
…and it quickly does! Cashe lunges in with another sharp snap jab, looking to rattle LSM, but she weaves her head to the side! She goes for another kick to the shin, but Cashe manages to back his leg back in time, causing the kick to whiff! The two of them are in a stalemate for a split second, before trying to follow up on the others mistakes at the same exact time - an open-palmed slap to the chest by Cashe hits at the same time a roundhouse to the ribcage does from LSM! LSM looks to take the worst of that exchange as she quickly backs up and out of harm’s way, holding onto her chest.
Bama: “That’s why we don’t really see a lot of striking too much from LSM. She can’t take these kinds of trades often, dawg! Cashe practically just absorbed that kick from her!”
Vinnie Lane: “No… if anything, I’d say she’s playing this smart.”
Bama: “How do you think?”
Vinnie Lane: “Well… it’s simple. Cashe isn’t exactly the brightest tool in the shed, but he’s adaptable. He at least knows as much that LSM’s gonna look to try taking him down any way she knows how, and try tapping him out. But he can at least stop a takedown before it happens. And LSM knows that he knows… so she’s gotta pick her spots better. You get what I’m saying?”
Bama: “Half of what you said just flew over my head, dawg.”
Vinnie Lane: “Just… think of it like a chess match, yeah dude?”
Cashe goes in again, once more playing things cautiously with range, trying to use his better range to connect with strikes. But he’s the one taken by surprise now as LSM kicks things into high gear, running towards him and slipping behind him in order to lock in a waist lock! Cashe quickly and instinctively moves forward into the ropes, quickly grabbing on. LSM tries for an O’Connor Roll to bring Cashe back to the center of the ring, but his leverage allows him to hold firm and instead, LSM simply ends up somersaulting back to the middle of the ring.
LSM darts forward again, trying to follow up on her brief burst of momentum. She’s about to try something, but instead, Jason Cashe turns around and goes for a knee strike -
- BUT IT’S CAUGHT BY LSM WITH A SMILE ON HER FACE! She turns the kick into an ankle pick, almost plucking Cashe off of the ropes by his leg, and manages to sweep his other leg out from under him to take him down!
Vinnie Lane: “And THAT’S what I mean by picking her spots!”
LSM looks to capitalize on her momentum by trying to sink in a heel hook and apply more damage to the leg she was kicking earlier! She manages to sink back into it with flawless expertise, and Cashe is trying his best to writhe and squirm and stave off the most of the damage as well as possible!
Vinnie Lane: “He’s too far in the middle of the ring! What’s he gonna do?!”
Bama: “It’s tap or snap at this rate, baby! I’m not lookin’ forward to this in the slightest!”
Cashe curses under his breath, still trying to kick with his tied-up leg to weaken the grip, but LSM has it in a vice grip! He sits up, trying with his hands to seemingly pry at the grip, but LSM shakes it firm! Cashe is running out of options as he sits back, trying to reach the ropes, but… it’s just too far away!
HE BRINGS HIS LEG BACK TO TAKE OFF HIS NOW-LOOSENED BOOT! LSM STARES AT SURPRISE AT IT, ALLOWING CASHE TO GET BACK ONTO HIS FEET!
Vinnie Lane: “Well… talk about unorthodox methods!”
Bama: “HE JUST TOOK OFF HIS DANG BOOT! The heck?!”
The referee is quick to swoop in and take the boot out of LSM’s hands to prevent it from being used as a weapon and places it into one of the corners, but as she gets up, Cashe is on top of her as he applies…
Vinnie Lane: “…Is this a headlock?”
Bama: “It sure looks somethin’ like that…”
Indeed, Cashe is trying his best to slap a headlock on LSM, trying to just choke her out as best as she can! It, uh… looks rather sloppy though to say the least… Cashe doesn’t seem concerned about it in the slightest though as he just shouts at LSM to tap, bitch!
Bama: “I, uh… didn’t really think things were this bad…”
Vinnie Lane: “Dude, look at that! The positioning of his arm’s all wrong, the grip looks sloppy, like holy crap! I’m honestly amazed he’s as good as he is already - imagine if he had some good submission skills!”
LSM doesn’t seem to be in immediate danger from the ‘headlock’ attempt Cashe has on her, but it’s up to her to try and fight out of this. Shaking her head as the referee asks her if she wants to submit, she instead reaches her arm through, attacking Cashe’s grip directly, slooooowly breaking apart his grip… and manages to slip out of it while wrenching the arm!
Vinnie Lane: “Nice escape! Just like that, she’s back in the driver’s seat!”
Bama: “Wonder what she’s gonna do here…”
LSM backs up while maintaining the hold, hyping up the fans by nodding her head as she does so. Cashe tries to use his strength to break out, but LSM is too speedy, her grip too refined, for Cashe to get a proper footing in that regard. She climbs to the second turnbuckle, keeping Cashe in front of her… BEFORE FALLING DOWN AND SINKING IN A FLYING ARMBAR ON HIM!
Vinnie Lane: “WHAT A THING OF BEAUTY! Cashe is in some real trouble now!”
Bama: “Is he going down like this?!”
Cashe tries wriggling and squirming yet again! He can’t make it to the ropes, but he doesn’t seem like he’s gonna tap any time soon! And yet, LSM is just sinking it back, deeper and deeper and deeper by the minute…
BUT CASHE MANAGES TO SIT UP! USING HIS IMMENSE STRENGTH, HE SITS UP AND MANAGES TO TRY GOING ON TOP OF LSM WHO STILL HAS THE HOLD LOCKED IN! Under normal circumstances, this would be a pinning predicament, but that’s not the case here as there’s nothing stopping Cache from going in!
PUNCH!
PUNCH!
PUNCH!
PUNCH!
PUNCH!
MASSIVE RIGHT HANDS ARE RAINING DOWN LIKE MORTARFIRE, LANDING CLEAN ON LSM’S FACE AND HAVING TO CAUSE HER TO RELEASE AND COVER UP FROM ALL THE DAMAGE COMING DOWN!
Vinnie Lane: “That’s one way to get out of a tight spot, yet again! All strength on display, and it’s working so far for Cashe!”
Bama: “How’s he even gonna be able to win though with things like this?!”
LSM takes a minute to get back onto her feet, clearly scrambled by the shot, which allows Cashe to rev up with his good arm still, taking a deep breath and lunging - MARK OF JASON!
BUT THE HARD ELBOW SHOT IS DUCKED UNDER!
Bama: “Slippery little thing, ain’t she?”
Vinnie Lane: “Something tells me though he was betting on that. Look!”
Cashe runs with the momentum into the corner - WHERE HE’S ABLE TO PICK UP THE BOOT FROM EARLIER AND THROWS IT AT LSM! LSM catches it in mid-air though, looking angry! The referee quickly mouths off to Cashe, who holds his hands up innocently! He takes the boot from LSM, who brings it outside of the ring-
LOW BLOW TO LSM BY JASON CASHE! SHE CRUMBLES IMMEDIATELY FROM THE IMPACT, MOANING AS SHE DOES SO!
Vinnie Lane: “Huh. I guess a low blow can hurt a woman.”
Bama: “Shieeeet, I think he hit a bit too hard there, if anything…”
The referee turns back around, only to see Cashe placing LSM into position to hit his finisher - SADRIVER! IT HITS TO PERFECTION!
Vinnie Lane: “Sheesh, LSM’s head just got SPIKED with how hard that move was! She’s out of it!”
Cashe goes to pin LSM, only to be reminded that this is a submission match! He shakes his head, trying to figure out what to do… but then he nods?
Vinnie Lane: “I don’t like where this is going…”
Cashe turns LSM over onto her stomach, allowing him to lock in maybe the worst crossface of all time! He’s barely able to arch it back thanks to his sloppy technique, but it’s enough for him to grab her wrist… and brings it up and down to have her tapping out against the mat?!
The referee hesitates for a moment, clearly unsure how to handle something like this happening… before gesturing for the bell to be rung!
Winner by… Submission? - Jason Cashe
Vinnie Lane: “Wow! Cashe with the BIG win heading into Relentless! LSM is gonna be SHOCKED that she lost a submission match to a bumfighter!”
Bama: “How the hell does that count as a tapout, Vinnie Lane? She ain’t really submitted! I know a FinDomme when I see one, she ain’t just gonna suddenly decide to bottom to Jason frickin’ Cashe!”
From the back, EDWARD is pulled on a small cart inside a bamboo cage. His eyes are wide and he’s sweating profusely due to all the camera flashes that frighten him. He’s just a simple unfrozen caveman, you see, and cameras might be boxes filled with ghosts as far as he knows.
EDWARD’s handlers pull him to the ring and then use a pole to open the latch on his pen from a distance, then hurry to the back as EDWARD carries his shinny into the ring with him like a security blanket. EDWARD goes to his corner and sits down, trying to eat the ropes.
Vinnie Lane: “EDWARD looks like he’s spooked. I distinctly told the crew backstage to cover up all the mirrors and stuff, but I bet someone forgot. Now the poor guy saw his own reflection and is all freaked out!”
Bama: "Listen Vinnie, EDWARD is an adult. He’s older than all of us! He won the 24/7 title and now he’s got to put up or shut up against the Master of Minds - don’t give me no nonsense about cavemen now understanding stuff! He signed the contract didn’t he?"
Vinnie Lane: “With feces!”
Bama: "HE DIDN’T HAVE A PEN! Whose fault is that???"
A figure is seen walking out from the back wearing a black hooded sweatshirt on. The hood was over his head so he couldn’t be seen, and his head was looking down.
He stood in a stance. And as a white light appeared on his front, he unzipped his sweatshirt and showed the front of the t-shirt:
As it continued he turned around and took off his hooded sweatshirt and revealed the back of the t-shirt which read:
He turned back around and stood in a pose as the white light bathed on him to reveal: MASTERMIND
He then smirks as he walks all the way to the ring, with the Misfits Manager Antony The Jerk, walking not far behind. Followed by Melanie 'Crayzee' Childs and Kris 'The Hammer' Von Bonn.
Vinnie Lane: “Here comes the reigning and defending Anarchy Champ, Bama. Mastermind, a real veteran of the XWF, made the most out of his recent return to the ring didn’t he?”
Bama: "He sure did. Maybe with a little help from his friends, like Joe Cocker would say!!"
Just then, from the back, “Venom” Xavier Lux rushes onto the ramp with a baseball bat and takes out Kris Von Bonn with a shot to the skull! Melanie Childs turns and eats a bat to the gut before Lux piledrives her into the ramp!
Antony the Jerk tries to beg off, but Lux catches him right on the point of the jaw with a punch that KO’s the manager right on the spot!
Mastermind lunges at Lux but misses when he swings the Anarchy Title at him… Xavier Lux tries to return fire but that’s then a security detail finally arrives and grabs him by the waist and arms, then drags him off towards the back kicking and screaming.
Bama: "Xavier Lux just made sure the champ knows he ain’t going anywhere! He’s still big mad over that match last Anarchy, and who could blame him? But I guess at least we know that Mastermind will definitely be going at it alone here tonight… and he’s PISSED!"
DING! DING! DING!!!
EDWARD somersaults out of the way when Mastermind tries to get the jump on him with a running lariat, then evades again with a nice monkey flip when MM turns around. EDWARD beats his chest like a gorilla and then scampers up the corner and backflips into the front row!
EDWARD runs all the way to the latticework holding up the AnarchoTron, scaling it lickety split and crouching on the top, rocking back and forth while hugging his knees.
The referee starts a ten count as Mastermind just stares at EDWARD from the ring with his hands on his hips like a disappointed dad.
1!
2!
3!
4!
5!
Vinnie Lane: “Man this isn’t how I want my main event to end… EDWARD! If you get counted out I’ll still give your shinny to Mastermind!”
Vinnie shouts up to the Tron, and EDWARD freaks out! He jumps onto a lighting cable that goes over the ring and rappels down it, hopping off right as it gets to the ring and landing on his own belly right in the center of the canvas with a thud. He knocks his own wind out of his lungs, but he gets there before the official counts to ten so the match continues!
Mastermind takes full advantage of the downed EDWARD by snatching his head and slapping on the CHINLOCK OF DOOM!!!
Vinnie Lane: “No one does chinlocks better than Mastermind, dude. He gets the torque and the angle JUST right. Great hand and forearm strength. Never gets tired!”
Bama: "EDWARD sure don’t like it. He must appreciate the artistry the same way you do, Vinnie!"
EDWARD starts howling as Mastermind amps up the pressure using his unusually buff forearms. He’s strong to the finish ‘cause he eats his spinach.
EDWARD looks desperate, then shoves Mastermind off of him with all of his strength, then runs after him and starts pummeling him with huge punches and kicks. EDWARD’s feet are almost like hands due to his heavy australopithecine DNA content, so it’s almost like FOUR FISTS pounding on the Anarchy Champion all at once!
Mastermind manages to fight his way out of the corner by returning fire with some precision shots to EDWARD’s temple. EDWARD is doubled over when Mastermind uses his head like a battering ram into the gut of EDWARD. Mastermind snatches EDWARD into a front chancery, but EDWARD starts BITING HIM ON THE FINGERS!!!
Bama: "EDWARD IS BITING THE CHAMPION VINNIE! I think I saw him spot something out! There’s blood all over the canvas now because EDWARD’s got them dang neanderthal teeth!"
Mastermind screams and pushes EDWARD away, then grabs at his bloody hand. EDWARD comes at him again but Mastermind thinks quick and drops him with a superkick! EDWARD lands on his back blinking into the bright lights and Mastermind rolls onto him, still grabbing his bloody hand.
1!
2!!
EDWARD kicks out!
Vinnie Lane: “Mastermind just trying to get this over with and get that wound looked at… but EDWARD isn’t ready to stay down!”
Bama: "EDWARD should be PUT down, Vinnie! He’s an animal!"
Mastermind grabs EDWARD by the feet and rolls EDWARD into the MIND CONTROLLER!!!
EDWARD is hurting, but Mastermind can’t hold onto EDWARD properly with his bitten hand, and EDWARD is able to kick his way free.
EDWARD charges Mastermind and knocks him down again, then starts beating him with huge gorilla strikes to the ribs and head.
Just then, an airplane flies overhead, and EDWARD sees it through the little sun roof in the arena ceiling that literally nobody even knew existed until right now. The plane goes across the opening and EDWARD falls to his knees shouting and screaming, bowing over and over as if praying.
Vinnie Lane: “Geez… I think EDWARD thinks that plane is a god!”
Bama: "Who opened that damn window? Why is there a window in the ruf?"
Vinnie Lane: “The what, dude?”
Bama: "The RUF! The damn top of the building! Someone needs to call Marv Smegma up from Madness, we got us a mystery that needs solvin’!"
EDWARD keeps praying to the airplane as it flies over, and it gives Mastermind the chance he needs to grab him from behind in the MIND SLEEPER!
EDWARD’s face turns blue as he tries to fight his way out of the sleeper, but it’s no use! He starts to lose consciousness and his limbs swing loosely at his sides…
But then in a flash he grabs Mastermind by the bloody fingers! EDWARD twists the digits in his hands and Mastermind yelps, freeing the challenger from his grip.
EDWARD roars exactly like this:
[/color]
RIP Johnny Weissmuller. You were the best.
He then snatches Mastermind into the air with a gorilla press and slams him back down with thunderous strength. Mastermind’s skull hits the mat and he’s clearly knocked for a loop, and then EDWARD leaps onto his chest perched like a gargoyle and starts gnawing at Mastermind’s forehead!
Mastermind’s shoulders are down!
1!
2!!
3!!!
Winner and NEW Anarchy Champion - EDWARD
Vinnie Lane: “OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! WHAT!?!? NO WAY DUDE! NO FREAKIN’ WAY!!!!”
Bama: "This might be the saddest day in Anarchy history, Vincent. We just saw the championship go from a living legend to a 10,000 year old hominid! And on the HAWAI’I VACATION show? Come ON, man!"
The official hands EDWARD his new Anarchy Championship, and EDWARD is over the moon! (Not really - space flight would probably give him a stroke). He holds up both the 24/7 Freestyle belt and the Anarchy belt, screaming SHINNNYYYYYY and beating his chest with them like a silverback.
Vinnie Lane: “Dude I can’t even… I have no idea what to say right now! I’m stunned, just like everyone watching must be!”
Bama: "You need to start vettin’ these challengers, Vinnie! First Unknown Soldier and now THIS? We need folks that can rep the blue brand proper! You can’t put a monkeyman on a magazine cover, or send him out on a meet n’ greet! God DAMN it!"
Vinnie Lane: “Man… well we promised a show you wouldn’t forget, and we definitely followed through on that! We’re all out of time for this one so me and Bama are gonna go drink liquor out of a coconut… SEE YA NEXT TIME FOLKS!!!”
Anarchy fades to black as EDWARD celebrates with his shinnies.
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