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Lacklan · (03-04-2022)

HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!

This is your reason for being, the starter of the hottest fires, Sarah Lacklan-

[Image: erRkSGO.gif]

-YOUR favorite podcasting empress (#TrendSetter #Influencer #PleaseSubscribeToLikeLiterallyEverything) and I'm here right this hot second to give you some picks in the Plump Pigeon Tournament! Mind you, as YOUR Anarchy Commissioner #BestBrand (#WarfareSucks #SaturdaysAreLame #WhoEvenWrestlersOnMondaysAmIRight), I don't axly have any say in WHO wins these matches, but! As the World's Greatest Life Coach #FamilyFirstOfTheXWF, I sure do have insight, ya know? So, lets look at this current crop of matches, coming soon, VERY soon to your television screens, and see what shakes out.

#HotBoi vs. The Double V with the Double Bs - Now, EVERYONE knows how long and storied Lacklan vs Valenteen has been (#HelicopterGate #FakeChamp), but I give credit where it's due: She's tough as all hell. But Calvary? He's a #Hotboi! And I've seen the way Vita's beady eyes glaze over when she looks at him. Will that be enough to put her in a daze so he can put her down for three? I bet SHE hopes so! (#ThatsASexReference). BUT! I don't think she's QUITE ready to go down on for him (#AnotherSexReference), and would rather be the one on top (#MakeThatThree). Winner: VV for the W!

BarnDoor vs. Generically Gross - To quote my BABY Sister: Ew. No matter what happens in this, I'm pretty sure the fans are the losers. Winner: Draw

Rubes vs. Foot dude - Shouldn't be much of a surprise that I'm giving the nod here to my (non-spouse, non-family) BFF Rubes, but what SHOULD be a surprise is that I think it won't be by much! Tommy grossed me out, like, on the very first day when I showed up (#MarchMadnessWinner #SarahWinsLOL), but he is WAY better now than he was then! SOME of you peeps are STILL at the level from where you were three years ago. Tommy? Way better. I don't think he gets the upset her, but I think he has a GREAT chance of still winning his block if Rubes stumbles even once. Winner: Ruby

That foul-mouthed janitor vs. Rubes' pet zombie - Listen, I still haven't figured out why Vinnie let the overnight janitor into the tournament...just because he refuses to wear the regular custodial uniform and instead some weird green rags he picked up in the trash outside Walmart, or something, doesn't mean he should be allowed to enter a tournament...but I guess that lets Zombturion start off with an easy 2 points, I guess? Winner: Ruby's undead lover (#ViagraCantBeEnough)

Initials vs. the 4CW guy - Truth be told, I don't know anything about HGH. He's legit in the tourney because my passport to Mini Morbidonia is expired and I couldn't get a pigeon through. But what I DO know is that he's fighting a loser who gets heated by "no u." LOL! (#LoveYouClaire #LetsDoLunch #PleaseStopHittingOnKenziThroughTwitter #NoReally #tysm). So I'm going for the person who is NOT a weak bitch this week! Winner: HGH

Old dude vs. my ward - Ugh. Why didn't that bitch just TELL ME she was hurt?! SIGH. Winner: Boots by way of DOLLY HAS A CAST ON HER FREAKIN' LEG.

Welp, that's it for now, Baby Birds! Stay tuned for Anarchy and ALL these matches SUPER SOON!

Lacklan · (03-15-2022)

HIIIIIII-iiiiiiii! We are BACK after our first round/set/bunch/pod/flock of matches in the Plump Pigeon Tournament #Sar1ClassAXLY, and here's where we currently stand:

S Block:

Vita: 2 Points
Generic Heel: 2 Points
Ruby: 2 Points
Calvary: 0 Points
Oswald: 0 Points
Tommy: 0 Points

L Block:

Centurion: 2 Points
Cashe: 2 Points
Boots: 2 Points
Raab: 0 Points
HGH: 0 Points
Dolly: 0 Points

Now obvs, its WAY too early to talk about who is in the lead or whatevs, so lets jump straight into my (almost 100% accurate) picks for this week!

Rubes vs. Double Vs - ngl, if this was one of those "win or go home" tournaments, I would have seeded them as the #1 and #2 slot so that they had a chance to face each other in the finals. When it comes to who is or has been the "face" of Anarchy since it's inception, the argument includes a handful of names and these wo are included. In a perfect world, this would be a Noah on a Pole Match (the sexual tension in that love triangle of theirs was EPIC, let me tell you!) but he's dead, or something. Instead, they just get to battle it out in what is, in my opinion, the biggest match of the block.
Winner: Time Limit Draw

#HotBoi vs. GH - This isn't even a discussion. CalCal may be REALLY weird and KINDA creepy (but VV digs that kinda stuff so keep trying!), but he's nowhere even on the scale when it comes to this masked blob of fat. I expect this to be over quick.
Winner: Calvary by, like, a single punch

Shortstuff vs. Footsie - ngl: I lol'd HARD a couple of times last week while watching the matches from my palacial roaming office, and these two were part of that. Shorty claimed BarnDoor's spot in the #Sar1ClassAXLY by nefarious means (which I'm not normally a fan of, but more on THAT later) and nearly murdered GH, and then Tommy got all UP in Rubes' business. That was GREAT! Believe you me, speaking as a Certified Shoe Expert, I can say that that boot is worth a LOT of quan now. Sell it, TomTom! As far as this match, though? I expect this particular bug to go squishy-squishy.
Winner: The super small, short dude.

Old weirdo vs. Ruby's somewhat sentient "Zombie" flavor Bad Dragon toy - Let's be honest here: Only reason Boots has 2 points is because my ward, my padawan, my Mini-Me is wearing a cast. And while Centy's 2 points weren't exactly "earned" since he drew Vinnie's dumb custodian, he still had to trudge through a bunch of sludge go get them. Like, seriously, what the fuck WAS that convoluted, stilted, overly-produced, senseless, worthless SHIT he had to deal with in his match? Oh, that's right: Dumbass shit no one thinks is interesting in any way, shape, or form. Just another sunny day in Charlieville, I suppose! At least that pathetic crap will be over after March Madness.
Winner: Centy

The dude whose name is basically the sound you make when you clear your throat vs. that foul-mouthed janitor - Quick and easy win for Initials to get back into the thick of things!
Winner: HaitchGeeHaitch

WeakSauce vs. CastsRLame - Unless Dolly has snuck off to get some of that experimental surgery on her leg like my Beloved got in China a couple years ago, I don't see her being in the shape to face anyone. Even someone as weak-minded as Jason "no u" Cashe. A pity, that.
Winner: Cashe

Welp, that's it for this week. Tune in Thursday and keep your Eyes On Anarchy!

Lacklan · (03-19-2022)

Lacklan · (04-01-2022)

HIIIIIII-iiiiiiii! We are BACK after our SECOND round/set/bunch/pod/flock of matches in the Plump Pigeon Tournament #Sar1ClassAXLY, and here's where we currently stand:

S Block:

Vita: 4 Points
Generic Heel: 2 Points
Ruby: 2 Points
Calvary: 2 Points
Oswald: 2 Points
Tommy: 0 Points

L Block:

Cashe: 4 Points
Boots: 4 Points
Centurion: 2 Points
HGH: 2 Points
Raab: 0 Points
Dolly: 0 Points

Still too early to talk about who's "leading" or anything, but we ARE seeing some interesting stories developing. And for peeps who don't know: A LOT of the ability to win tournaments is understanding WHAT these "stories" MEAN. An injury in one match leads to aggravation in another, and so on. For instance, Short McShortface starts WAY behind since he has to absorb Barndoor's loss, right? And Dolly coming into this tournament with a pre-existing injury severely damages her ability to gain momentum. Let's see what's shaking this week!

Rubes vs. GH - Battle of the Stench! As has been discussed many many MANY times, Smelly Ruby, who we recently learned gets her particular brand of stench from that bunion on her foot (#LongTermStorytelling, #Continiuty), is SUPER smelly! But she's nowhere NEAR as smelly as XWF Anarchy's own Gelatinous Cube (#pleasedon'tsuemewizardsofthecoast), the Generic Heel. Spoiler Alert: After my rundown of the card, I'm going to make their match the first-ever Shower Match, wherein the first person to properly bathe gets the Plump Pigeon Points.
Winner: Ruby by, like, a hair, because it will take her slightly less time to shower than GH's bulk

#HotBoi vs. Footmania - CalCal had an impressive one-hit KO against the aforementioned Gelatinous Cube (#pleasedon'tsuemewizardsofthecoast), while Wish lost a close one with Shortstuff. Part of me REALLY wants to just be like, dude, Cal just got destroyed at March Madness and probs has, like, zero intention of doing or being anything special this week, but a certain someone will probs get all kinds of Moody McMoodface if I bet against her #HotBoi this week. Sorry, Tommy!
Winner: Cal...because SOMEONE is giving me dirty looks

Shorty-O vs. Vita Vampeteen - Last week, the smallest member on the roster got 2 points, but I'm kinda-sorta putting that on the idea that this was his axl first match in the tournament. Meanwhile, Miss Vampsalot continued her surge of recent greatness by putting down the OTHER person who I consider a #TopSeed in Ruby. Gee, I wonder what has occurred RECENTLY in Vita's life, what force of influence has RECENTLY found it's way into her ear, to cause her to have so much success lately? HMMMMMMMMM. 🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔
Winner: Vamperella

(Still)Old Weirdo vs. Letters - ngl, this is one of those matchups that I'm not too pumped about. BUT! Vinnifred Annabelle Lane forced me to include current Anarchy peeps that I otherwise wouldn't have thought about, so is what it is. That being said, while HGH is proving to be inconsolably MEH, the old, weird, gross, creepy-as-flame dude from MAGA who is...I think...their manager? Adviser? Something like that...well...he's won twice! Even slipped by Ruby's flesh dong. Go fig!
Winner: The Old Weirdo

That scab janitor (legit, Petey-V, make sure he's not part of your guild, mang) vs. The Castinator - How my conversation SHOULD have gone with Dolly a few weeks ago:

Me: Dolly! My ward! My mini-me! I totes want you to be in my tournament that I conned Vinnie into letting me run. You game, yeah?

Dolly: Oh Sarah, whom I adore and worship, the truly great hero of our times that ALL little girls of the world, totes including Vita Valenteen, should look up to and pattern their lives after, I cannot! Lo! I am injured!

Me: Oh noes! Your leg is busted! And while your heart is filled with desire to prove yourself to both you and me, your body clearly cannot withstand a tournament.

Dolly: But I wish to, my greatest hero! I wish to push myself!

Me: Nah, I cannot let you risk permanent injury for the sake of my happiness. Whilst it would have truly been heart-warming to see my greatest student fight for the honor of being the first ever Plump Pigeon Tournament Winner, to see you hoist that trophy, earn that Anarchy Championship Match at Insert Poorly-Named Pay-Per-View Event Here, and bathe in all the glorious and thus far unnamed rewards coming, I fully understand your situation and appreciate your honesty.

Dolly: Does thou feel anger or disappointment with me?

Me: Nary a smidge, Dear Dolly! Come! Let us eat angelfood cake stuffed with sugared strawberries and topped with clotted cream.

Dolly: I loves you ever so much and am eternally thankful for being taken under your majestic wings.

Winner: ...sigh...

The Face of Four Corners vs. the Face of Viagra - While I question his overall capability (he DID used to tag with Sativa once upon a time!), there is no questioning Cashe's success thus far in the tournament. Only three of the twelve participants have been able to go 2-0, and it seems that those who sleep on him end up getting that much much MUCH smaller check at the Loser's Window. But! I expect Centy to rebound after a couple of bad matches and get himself into contention for my tournament. After all, any OTHER match he's had recently in any OTHER fed for any OTHER accolade fully and utterly pales in comparison to mine! Focus time, buddy!
Winner: My (4th-place) BFF's favorite bedroom aid!

Welp, that's it for this week. Tune in next Thursday and keep your Eyes On Anarchy!

Lacklan · (05-02-2022)

HIIIIIII-iiiiiiii! We are BACK after our THIRD round/set/bunch/pod/flock of matches in the Plump Pigeon Tournament #Sar1ClassAXLY, and here's where we currently stand:

S Block:

Vita: 6 Points
Ruby: 4 Points
Generic Heel: 2 Points
Calvary: 2 Points
Oswald: 2 Points
Tommy: 2 Points

L Block:

Cashe: 6 Points
Boots: 4 Points
HGH: 4 Points
Centurion: 2 Points
Dolly: 2 Points
Raab: 0 Points

Mang, I love tournaments! Halfway-ish through, and I am NOT shocked to see Vampeteen atop her block with 6 wins, and I AM shocked to see Mr. 4CW doing the same for his! Last week had some upsets that are developing more of our stories, and THIS week has a few curveballs. PART of that is that SOMEONE didn't think to go to something like challonge.com to set up the tournament and needed some expert help in how to get out of that mess...and ANOTHER part is some dumb-dumb having such a stupid bit that even Corey has to roll his eyes as they get whisked away back to their home planet. Or something. N-E-Ways, lets take a look at next week's card!

Vampeteen vs. Wish - Early on, I let it be known that I was kinda-sorta, somewhat impressed by Wish. Tommy Boy was coming out firing! And while he MAY have misunderstood HOW a round robin works...kept talking about how he's already out of the running after, like, the first match...I still have high hopes that he'll do well overall. Unfortunately for him, he's going up against the block leader this week. Vampy had a rough week in there...and that might still be happening after she fights Peety-V this week...but I'm positive that she'll be focused for my tournament match.
Winner: Vamps

$$$$$$$$ vs. ???????? - Vampy's #HotBoi imploded in the type of way that I just about always expect peeps her to implode (#DSSS) which leaves Oswald fighting...um...someone? I have a feeling he'll get the W this week, but I think his disjointed participation is ultimately going to leave him in the middle, at best.
Winner: Money

Boots vs. LOL - Because LOL, our foul-mouthed janitor can't even beat someone in a cast. And because of THAT, the surprising (to me, n-e-ways) Boots is getting back in the mix of things.
Winner: Boots

Letters v. Centy-Last time, HGH got a couple of points I didn't expect. AND Centy dropped the ball because OMG POLITICS SOMEONE IS WRONG ON THE INTERNET. I expect my 4th Place Best Friend to knock some sense into Centy and get him to axly go to bed instead of losing sleep over someone's political views and beat up the dude who, as far as I can tell, has shown us everything he has to show us.
Winner: Ruby's undead sex toy

Annnnnnnnd that's it! Yes yes, there are more matches, including a Block vs. Block tag match (because LOL), but I'll cover that stuff in my upcoming commercials. Until then... keep your Eyes on Anarchy!

Oh!

OH!

And don't forget: You axly have a reason to watch Madness tonight! #You'reWelcome!

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