LIVE!!! FROM PLYMOUTH FREAKIN' ROCKI! JOIN THE XWF AT THE HISTORIC SITE OF THE MAYFLOWER'S 1620 LANDING FOR THANKSGIVING ANARCHY!!! THANKSGIVING TURKEY RUMBLE!!! ANYONE IN THE XWF IS INVITED TO JOIN THE THANKSGIVING RUMBLE BY POSTING ONE 1,000 WORD RP BY THE DEADLINE ALL COMPETITORS WILL BE DRESSED AS PILGRIMS, INDIANS, OR TURKEYS! THE WINNER WILL RECEIVE THE COVETED ANARCHY GOBBLER!!!! SO MAJESTIC!!!! OTHER FESTIVITIES INCLUDE: XWF HAND TURKEY CONTEST - ANYONE WHO WANTS TO JOIN, JUST INCLUDE A PICTURE OF YOUR HAND TURKEY IN YOUR RP THE PUMPKIN PIE EATING CONTEST! - THIS IS JUST ATARA THEMIS EATING A PIE WITH NO HANDS. OTHERS CAN DO IT TOO I GUESS. THE ANARCHY TURKEY DROP!!! AND OF COURSE... THE HATCHING OF THE MYSTERIOUS ANARCHY EGG!!! BE THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A massive replica of the Mayflower floats up to Plymouth Harbor, and we see the huge XWF banner flying on its mast.

On board is a ring, a mini Anarcho-Tron, and the cast and crew of XWF Anarchy!

Right up on the ship’s bow is a small announce desk where “Puritan Boy” Vinnie Lane sits, all gussied up in the finest 1600s pilgrim attire money can buy. Next to him is Bama T., who, of course, is wearing a massive Indian headdress. In his arms is Sassafras, dressed like a tiny little turkey.


Vinnie Lane: “LAND HO dude! Welcome to Turkey Day Anarchy! I’m here to break bread with my announcing partner Bama… Bama, tell the people what we’ve got lined up for them!”


Bama: “I got you, Goodman Lane! Why bother watching the dang Bears hand Detroit their first win of the season when you can watch ANARCHY baby! We got us a hootenanny! A big ol’ battle royal for the GOBBLER!”


Vinnie Lane: “That’s right, Bama, and we’ve got some surprises and guest stars all lined up, just hanging out below deck! It’s gonna be great! But before that… here’s the winner of the hand turkey contest… RU- wait huh?”


Bama stands up holding a piece of notebook paper as the camera zooms in.





Bama: “I got the ballot box right here baby, look at all them votes for Bama’s Bird!”


Bama dumps out a box full of hand written votes that all look pretty similar. Exactly one more vote than Ruby got. Vinnie looks confused.


Vinnie Lane: “Congratulations… Bama? But… that turkey looks kinda weird. And I don’t even remember you entering.”


Bama: “Ain’t he cute?”


Vinnie Lane: “Totally.”


Vinnie shakes his head as Bama continues to beam with pride. Even Sassafras seems ashamed.

An unfamiliar song ‘from Tiktok’ plays throughout the scattered speakers on Plymouth Rock as Charlie appears seemingly out of nowhere, dressed from head to toe like a very offensive native american caricature. Like literally one of the most offensive caricatures you can possibly imagine. He holds a teponaztli underneath his left arm and a set of deer antlers in his left hand. Charlie winks at the camera as he pulls a large blanket-covered cage behind him with his right hand.

Bama T: What the hell is Charlie Nickles doing here on Anarchy?! Did you know about this, Vinnie? This was supposed to be Latina Submission Machina’s slotted segment!

Vinnie: LSM had to take some personal time off for a family emergency, so I had Dolly Waters find a replacement to help us fill out the showtime….but I had no idea she would pick Charlie!

Bama T: Are you TRYING to get us taken off the airwaves, Vinnie? Charlie’s a walking, talking, mocking FCC liability!

Vinnie: I know that, dude! But...oh Jesus, he’s already grabbed a microphone…..oh no….

Charlie Nickles stops suddenly in front of the makeshift ring set up for the show on Plymouth Rock. He looks around at the crowd, who is intermittently groaning and booing at the sight of the Native Nickleman. Charlie chuckles to himself before he jumps to a seated position on the blanket on top of the chest high cage. He raises the microphone to his lips with his right hand as he continues to hold the drum and deer antlers on his left.

“I came out tonight to tell you all what I’m thankful for…….but I can’t do it.”

Charlie looks down at the ground dejectedly.

“She isn’t here with me, she isn’t around my waist…..what is there to be thankful for until I win her love back? How can I be thankful for anything when I’m deprived of my everything? I was going to perform a ceremonial rain dance here tonight to earn good fortune in my quest to win my Goldi back, but….”

Charlie looks back up at the camera with a jackass’s grin.

“I don’t want to offend anyone.”

Charlie looks around with a cocky smirk as the crowd boos him and throws a few empty hot dog containers his way.

“You know I feel like I have gotten an awfully bad reputation around these parts lately. In fact, ever since I made Dick Powers a cripple I just feel like people look at me differently. They turn their noses up at me, they act like I’m some kind of asshole, like I take things too far, like I’m too extreme!

Well that’s all horseshit if you ask me.

I think most of these sissies that judge me are the assholes! You know why? Because they don’t take things far enough! They don’t go to the extreme! They just do the same rehashed shit everybody else in the locker room does! Except those cunts don’t even do it here anymore, they’ve self-selected to play the slowpitch version of pro wrestling! Those sniveling little eboys want to say tough words on twitter and then fight shitty indy guys in the minor leagues. Do they think that bolsters their so-called legacies?

James Raven, Shawn Warstein, Freddy Krueger, Chuck Matthews, Random Hentai Monsters, Smokin’ Bob Williams…..do these shitstains think their opinions on me matter just because they’re fucking Betsy Granger?"

Charlie looks around with a very faint smile as the crowd gasps, boos, or rolls their eyes.

Vinnie: Wait, WHAT?! Smokin’ Bob?!

Bama T: I don’t believe it! Charlie’s just dropped the bombshell of the century!

Vinnie: This is BIG if true…...but I am 100% sure that is not true.

Bama T: I don’t know, Vinnie! Anything can be true nowadays!

Vinnie: And did he also say Freddy Krueger?

Bama T: I don’t know, Vinnie- I’m still reeling from the big Smokin’ Bob reveal!

Charlie holds up the deer antlers in his hands for the crowd to see before bringing them closer to his own eyes for an inspection. Charlie turns the antlers around and views them from every angle as he begins speaking into the microphone once again.

“I’m not going to sit around and let myself be shit-talked by some know-nothings with 0 major league wins in all of 2021. I’m not too big of a man to punch down at some washed up horndogs. I would hit them back on Twitter, but….well, let’s not get into that.”

Bama T: What happened to Charlie’s twitter?!

Vinnie: Charlie was banned from Twitter for hate speech after being on the platform for roughly two days.

Sassafras barks disapprovingly from Bama T’s lap.

“Let’s just say Mark Zuckerberg has a personal vendetta against me for beating all of his favorite XWF stars like it was my job. In my defense, it is literally my job….”

Bama T: Facebook’s CEO got involved in this Twitter ban?!?! This is insane! It seems like DAMN NEAR EVERYONE is trying to cancel The Nickleman! I can’t see why. Frankly, I’m starting to like him!

Vinnie: I-....ugh. Let’s just get this over with, how much longer can this segment possibly go on?

“So since I can’t respond back to these Chucklefucks on Twitter, I’m going to hit them in the real world equivalent! I’m going to hit them back and KILL THEM right here on Anarchy, for all of you to see!

But first……

A song to humiliate my enemies! Those bastard pilgrims like Shawn Warstein…..but unlike the REAL bastard pilgrims, of course, Shawn is quite easy to run off! Either way though, of course, let’s get to the music. I know this is what you all came to see, I know ever since I dropped my first original song on Warfare last week you’ve all been dying for another tune to bop to! So this one right here goes out to James the Raven, Shawn the Chicken, the Springfield Slasher, and Dopin’ Bob Williams!”

Charlie clears his throat before pushing himself into a slightly different seated position atop the blanket covered cage on wheels. He placed his drum in front of him and crossed his legs ‘indian style’ as he began to play the absolute worst song you have ever heard in terms of rhythm, melody, and vocal performance. He tapped his drum with the deer antler sporadically and with no discernible tempo as he bellowed out the words to his new song.

“What is loooooooovvveeee
What is HAAAAAATTTTEEEE
What are all the things
That can hold that gate
I don’t know them all but I know a feeewwwwww
You know I HATE all the ones I doooooooo
But the boys I hate love that gremlin ET-brew!

SHEEEEEEE’S NOT A HUUUUUMAN GIRL
BOBBY SHAWNY JAMEY BOYS
SHEEEEEEE’S NOT A HUUUUUMAN GIRL
SHE’S NOT FROM THIS WORLD

Boys, boys, boys
You’re her toys, toys, toys
You’re caught in alien ploys, ploys, ploys
Take off the blindfold, take off the earmuffs
Free yourselves by listening to my noise!”


By this point the crowd is booing at full capacity. Water bottles, popcorn bags, and all sorts of live event trash is being thrown at The Nickleman as he carries on his not so impressive musical performance. Regardless of quality, The Nickleman continues to bang his drum and sing his tune no matter how it is received by the XWF universe.

“That ginger is a space alien monstrooosssiiitttyyyyy
She’s out of this world, soon I’ll knock her out of this fed
It’s an atrocccciiiittttttttyyyyyyyy
The velociiiiiitttttyyyyy
Of a Devil Hook Drop to the head!

But boys boy boys
Don’t let her take you to bed
She’s really not so sweet
She’ll rip you to shreds
With her big alien pincer
That comes straight out of her sphincter
Just like all of her trash talk and tweets!

Straight straight straight
I shoot like an arrow
Not so straight not so straight not so straight
Krueger, James, and Shawn reeeaaaalllllyyyyy approach that gate
Opposites opposites opposites!
Straight sex is when an opposite hops in it!

But that traveler is not a human at all, it’s true
So there’s simply no human opposites to do
You know if she’s an alien it must be true
That Nursy Who is no normal Mary Sue
So when she cheats on James Raven with Japanese Hentai Monsters
It’s only fair to ask who is really doing who!

IT’S NNNOOOOOOOTTTTT HETEROOOSEXXXUUUUAAAALLLIIIITTTYYYYYYYYYY
WHEN HENTAI MONSTERS, ALIENS AND HUMANS ALL COME FROM DIFFFERENT BIOOOLLOOOGIIIIESSSS
WE CALL THAT DIRTY SHIT
BETSYIALITY!”

Charlie delivers one final stroke of the antler to the drum as he ends on what he believes to be a crescendo for the ages. He lets the echo reverberate for a few moments as the crowd continues to boo and jeer relentlessly.

Vinnie: I hope he’s finally done.

Bama T: I think he has to be, that was a powerful performance! That kind of open-air opera takes a huge emotional AND physical toll on you!

Vinnie: Right…..

Charlie Nickles hops off the cage, leaving the antlers and drum atop the blanket. He walks back and forth in front of the covered cage for a few moments before lifting the microphone up to his dry lips. He looks straight at the cage as he begins speaking once more.

“You didn’t think that was all I had in store for you though, did you, Mr. Raven?”

Charlie grins slyly before he grabs the blanket and rips it off the cage, sending the deer antlers and drum flying to the ground from the force of the blanket removal.

BAMA T: HE HAS A LIVE TURKEY IN THAT CAGE!

VINNIE: WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?!

As the blanket is removed you can see a live turkey with a blindfold and a gag walking around aimlessly inside of the cage. The bars on the two slightly thinner sides of the cage have been adorned with the 24/7 Freestyle Championship and the HeavyMetalWeight Championship, respectively.

“Tweet, tweet, tweet, Mr. Raven. It seems I finally caught you, you little twitter bird, you. You thought that by hiding from the XWF shows you could keep The Nickleman from collecting his dues. You thought you could throw on a cheap disguise to finally come and see another XWF show in bird-person. You thought wrong, you stupid little raven! I’m not blind, I can see through your glued on feathers and fake beak!

You’ve been hiding from me for far too long, Raven! So now that I finally have you, I’m going to make an example out of you. I’m going to teach everyone a lesson about backing the wrong horse and saying the wrong things. I hope you’re ready to go to school, boy!”

Bama T: This might actually be getting out of hand. What does he plan to do with that turkey? And why does he keep calling it James Raven?!

Vinnie: Charlie. Nickles. Is. Crazy.

“We’re going to do this Indian Style.”

Vinnie: Now what the hell does that mean?!

Charlie Nickles smiles before looking around his immediate surroundings. He picks the deer antlers up off the ground before approaching the cage once again. He grabs the turkey by the neck and holds it firmly right against the bars of the cage. The turkey tries to kick and gobble, but the gag and the hold are simply overpowering. Charlie reaches back with the deer antlers and-

BAMA T: OH MY GOD, SASSAFRAS COVER YOUR EYES! VINNIE LANE, WHAT THE ABSOLUTE FUCK KIND OF A SHOW ARE YOU PUTTING ON HERE?!

VINNIE: Woah, dude! I have nothing to do with this! We have to find something else to tastefully cut away to!

“DIE JAMES RAVEN, DIE! DIE ALONG WITH YOUR SICK KINKY BETSYIAL ACTS! THIS IS WHAT YOU GET FOR LETTING DREAM MONSTERS CUCK YOU!”


Vinnie Lane: “Up next we were supposed to have a really cool pie eating contest with the entire Themis clan to see who could lick a pie plate clean fastest in the family. BUT, a bunch of dumb stuff happened. Now we can’t have that really cool and totally uncontroversial thing.”


Bama: “VINNIE LOOK IT’S SACAGAWEA JUST LIKE THEM SHINY POST OFFICE GOLD COINS!”


Vinnie Lane: “Huh?”


Vinnie turns his head to see his fiance, the lovely Roxy Cotton, dressed in a barely-there Native American inspired outfit. Basically a few strings of rawhide holding printed and beaded cloths over her lady parts. She’s of course also got a headband with one feather on it.


Roxy Cotton: “Hi bb. I’m here! Call me Poke-A-Hot-Ass.”


Somewhere near the back of the ship, Micheal Graves gets very interested. He probably remembers that Pocahontas was only 12 years old when she met John Smith.

Roxy sits down and starts eating her pie really slowly. A hush falls over the boat as everyone stops whatever they are doing and just watches. It’s a master class. She cleans every crumb off of the pie plate.


Bama: “That was the best thing I have ever seen.”


Vinnie Lane: “I agree. I don’t even miss the Themises! Themii? Whatever, they’ll all be back next week anyway.”


Vinnie holds his earpiece and looks off into the sky.


Vinnie Lane: “Folks, I’m getting word that the airplane carrying all the Turkey Drop turkeys got lost and is currently circling off the coast of New Jersey somewhere. Don’t worry! We’re not going to miss out on that amazing action! It’s just gonna have to be later in the show.”


Bama: “What about that big ol’ egg, Vinnie?”


The camera pans to the stern of the XWF Slayflower, where the big egg from the prior Anarchy show sits.





Vinnie Lane: “Right now, that random bald man is babysitting it. In just a little while it’s due to hatch!”


Bama: “Oh man it’s gonna be a big ol’ godzilla ain’t it?”


Vinnie Lane: “Who knows!? Literally no one has ever done this exact thing before! But before we find out, it’s time for the MAIN EVENT of the day… the THANKSGIVING ANARCHY RUMBLE!!! Let’s go to the ring!”


We go to the ring.


A bunch if XWF stalwarts are seen getting into the ring on the deck of the Slayflower. The Disintigrators, Jamaican Jimmy, Big Preesh, Billy “Bass” Ackwards, The Aroostook Strangler, Bilbo Blumpkinz, Mad Maxine, Bobbi London… and also a few new faces. There’s a literal gorilla. O Bay T. Law. Some guy no one really recognizes. And Jason Cashe! And Ruby! Wow!


Vinnie Lane: “Wow, it looks like we’re all ready to go here with the big rumble for the Gobbler. Wait… is that Steve Sayors in there?”


Bama: “It sure as heck is, Vinnie! I seen him backstage stabbing a syringe full of gear into his butt cheek, too. He’s on the juice!”


Vinnie Lane: “Well that’s interesting… wait where are you going?”


Bama: “If Steve can be in this thing then so can ol’ Bama T.!”


Bama drops his headset and plops Sassafras down onto Vinnie’s lap. He then jogs to the ring and rolls under the bottom rope as the bell rings.


Vinnie Lane: “And we’re off to the races, dudes! Looks like Bilbo has already been eliminated… and there goes Bama! WOW he just got chucked over the top by that one guy!”


Bama shows back up at the booth huffing and puffing. He grabs his headset and starts wheezing into it.


Bama: “Heeee…. Heeeeee… Vinnie! That guy tossed me out before I was ready!”


Vinnie Lane: “He sure did! But check out Big Preesh getting double teamed by Mad Rhymes in the corner! Bobbi London and Maxine are just stomping the big man into the dirt!”


Bama: “The D-Grators should probably take a page out the ladies’ book on teamwork, Vince… Big Dave and Johnny Steele are swinging on each other instead!”


Indeed, Dave Mustang and Johnny Steele are clubbing on each other from pillar to post. They’re both laughing their butts off the whole time, clearly loving the opportunity to smash fists with their favorite athletes.


Vinnie Lane: “There goes The Strangler, courtesy of Ruby! She just low bridged the top rope and sent The Menace of Aroostook right out to the floor!”


Bama: ”And Jason Cashe just sent Billy Bass right up and out as well! WOW!”


Vinnie Lane: “Wow is right, Bama… because it looks like Bobbi and Max have got Preesh almost over the top rope now, but he’s just so much man! They’re having trouble moving that huge load!”


Bama: “Not for long! Ruby just hit a gigantic missile dropkick from all the way across the other corner of the ring! She gave Mad Rhymes the extra boost they needed and Big Preesh is OUT!”


Big Preesh lands hard on the deck and just sits there, sobbing. He really thought this was his big moment. He ate seventeen Butterball turkeys in preparation for tonight, just to make himself extra heavy and hard to lift.

Across the ring, Jamaican Jimmy is trying to explain the strong scent of marijuana coming off of his Hawaiian shirt to O Bay T. Law… and Law isn’t buying it! Law with a huge spinning clothesline that sends Jimmy spilling out to the floor!

Ruby gives Law a nod, because rules matter. It looks like this one.





Everyone loves memes.

The Disintigrators stop hitting each other and come face to face with Mad Rhymes! The two tough broads crack their knuckles and all heck breaks loose as the four of them start brawling wildly.


Vinnie Lane: “HOLY CARP! That actual for-real gorilla just slammed Ruby right through the mat!”


Bama: “I think you said carp.”


Vinnie Lane: “Quiet, Bama! We have bigger issues! Ruby got sent down belowdecks by that impact! She could be seriously hurt! Someone has to do something about this huge actual gorilla!”


The gorilla starts going nuts, spinning in a circle like Zangief with its arms outstretched. It collides with Dave Mustang and Johnny Steele, sending both Disintigrators flying over the top rope!


Bama: “Here comes the XWF’s official gorilla trainers! Did you know we had those?”





The trainers try to calm down this one hundred percent bonafide gorilla. They shock him with cattle prods and shoot tranquilizer darts into him, but nothing works.


Vinnie Lane: “They warned us this might happen. I have to press the emergency button!”


Vinnie slams his palm down onto a big red button and the Anarcho-Tron lights up.





The genuine 100% full blooded gorilla stops his rampage and stares at the tron, weeping. He has been moved to sad tears by the plight of his fallen gorilla brother, the saint of silverbacks, Harambe.


Vinnie Lane: “Oh man… I didn’t mean to make this actual gorilla cry. Oh geez dude I feel terrible.”


The gorilla walks out of the ring, stepping over the ropes as it goes and starts hugging the trainers. They all walk away together as the gorilla keeps crying.


Bama: “Well that was weird. Hey Vinnie wasn’t there another guy in this rumble? That one guy? Sayors interviewed him in a dream, right?”


Vinnie Lane: “Oh yeah! I think he got eliminated earlier… I don’t really remember.”


Bama: “Weird. You’d think we’d remember something like that… LOOK OUT!”


Steve Sayors’ bloody body crashes through the announce table. In the ring, Jason Cashe is laughing and pointing.


Vinnie Lane: “Looks like Cashe just ended Steve’s night. Honestly I’m pretty impressed by how long Sayors lasted!”


Bama: “It looks like we’re down to Cashe, Law, and Mad Rhymes! Hey Vinnie is that the plane you talked about?”


Above the Slayflower, a military transport plane is flying low and opening its doors.


Vinnie Lane: “It sure is, Bama! Looks like it’s time for the Turkey Drop!”


Bama: “I can’t wait to see these beauties spread their wings!”


Right on cue, giant Butterballs start raining down from the sky, punching holes in the deck of the Slayflower. Two slam right into Bobbi London and Maxine, and they both fall over the top rope and out of the ring!

Turkeys land all over the boat, sending spectators running and screaming. Dozens have to leap from the boat and swim for safety, but Vinnie and Bama stay put.


Vinnie Lane: “God as my witness, I thought turkeys could fly… Anyway! The captain always goes down with his ship, dude! Plus, the match isn’t finished! We’ve still got O Bay T. Law in there with Jason Cashe!”


Bama: “And this is gonna be a real donnybrook, Vinnie! Those two are just laying haymakers into each other!”


Vinnie Lane: “Wow! Cashe just took Law down by bowling a giant turkey at him! That’s a seven-ten split!”


Law is sent against the ropes, and Jason Cashe charges him and sends him over and out with a huge clothesline!


Bama: “Cashe got ‘im Vinnie! Jason Cashe is the only one left in the ring! And now… oh man… what’s he doing to that turkey?”


Vinnie Lane: “Cashe looks like he couldn’t contain his excitement after dumping the final competitor out of the ring! He’s got his tights around his ankles and I think he’s about to have relations with that bird!”


Bama: “VINNIE LOOK! FROM THE HOLE IN THE MAT!”


Climbing back out of the big hole in the ring, it’s Ruby! She’s dirty and wet, but still alive! And she sneaks up behind Jason Cashe and dumps him out of the ring!


Vinnie Lane: “Oh my goodness! Ruby never actually went over the ropes before! She was still in the match! And she just WON it!”

Winner of the Battle Royal and Recipient of the Gobbler Trophy - Ruby

Vinnie Lane: “Ruby wins the Gobbler… and look out Bama, she sees you! I bet she’s got some questions about that hand turkey vote!”


Ruby shoots her Rube-ppling Hook over the announce area and swings over, snatching the hand turkey out of Bama’s hands, then grand the ballot box.


Ruby: “I knew it! These votes are fraudulent!”


Bama: “OH MY GOD RUBY WORKS FOR CYBER NINJAS!”


Vinnie Lane: “Guys, before the boat sinks, we really need to hatch the egg…”


Right on cue, the big egg starts to tremble. A big crack appears on the shell! The egg hatches!





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IT’S MINI MORBID!!!!








Vinnie Lane: “HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!!!”