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Jenny Myst · (02-23-2021)

"I try not to get too ahead of myself. It's tough sometimes. All of this in front of me, everything I want. I sit here and try to be patient, but I've never really been a patient person, have I? If I want it, I go get it. I have never been the type to sit back, play my hand, and fold when necessary. I am full go all the time. It works sometimes, and it blows up in my face sometimes. The more I look at my successes, and my failures, however, I have realized one thing. I cannot change. I am who I am. Love me or hate me, I am Jenny Myst. Everything you see is everything I am, and if I change up my entire essence to appease someone else, I might as well change my name and dye my hair. I may as well get glasses, stop wearing makeup and cover half my body in tattoos. That wouldn't be me, but that is what everyone expects me to be. I can adjust, adapt, I can fix and mend, but I can never change. I will never change.

It's a catch 22, really. The things that have made me so great here are the same things that have held me down. The same things I come out there every week and brag about in front of everyone are the same things that keep me curled in a corner, tear stained and shivering. The things that make me Queen are the same things that make me a peasant. This is me, though, this is why I am beautiful. I am unique, but I am also predictable. I am the yin and the yang, all in one. The halfmoon cookie.....but recently, all of the white has been eaten away. Only dark is left. People have been surprised about my match with Charlie, about what I did to his ear, about what I did to Mandii Rider. "But Jenny, that's not you! Why did you do that?!" Well those people clearly don't know ME. There is a darkness within me. A demon that threatens to come out, but it takes everything within me to beat it back. Am I saying I am possessed? Am I saying I am one of those Left Hand turds? Absolutely not. This demon is self made, because, well, this demon is ME as well. It's my insecurities, it is my self loathing. It is the little girl in the mirror who just wants the other kids at the party to like her, to accept her, to invite her to the next one. But it is also the same little girl in the mirror who rips her hair out with narrowed eyes, cuts her skin and bites the blood out of her lip simply because she likes the taste. I entered this tournament and I chose to take on Betsy Granger, double booking myself, because pushing myself is all I have ever been able to do. It is all that has ever kept me sane, to be frank. If I don't push myself, stretch myself thinner than I thought humanly possible, I'll torture myself even more by wondering what could have been. Wondering what I missed out on. The competitor in me is what keeps me coming back, but the demon in me is what drives me to do what it takes. My mental and emotional pain tolerance will ALWAYS be able to surpass my physical. I may be beaten down, my body may want to quit, and I may, as Betsy knows, tap out. But you'll never get rid of me. You may knock down Jenny Myst, but the demon will always get back up.

The future? Pssht. I'd be a liar if I told you I know what the future holds. Nobody on this planet does. What I do know is what I bring to the table in the future. The heart of a lion and the will of an anvil. I may not be the most gifted, but I am damn well the most spirited. I'll admit, I was down for a while. I blamed everyone but myself. I looked at these matches, knowing full well I tore my opponents a new rectal cavity in my verbal attacks, I used perfectly done vignettes that told an amazing story.....but at the end of the day that wasn't good enough inside the ring. I pointed fingers at everyone else. I thought it was everyone else's fault but my own when in reality, I just wasn't good enough. I don't know what ate at me more.....thinking I was good enough and not getting the job done or not being as good as those who I thought couldn't wash my bras. Masking failure or being one. Which is worse? Well, in the grand scheme of things, I can't say I can answer that question. Charlie pulled out the demon character because he was afraid of losing his title. He needed an edge, something to motivate him. The Left Hand, they are just a collection of emo scene kids and misfits who were sick of being bullied in school and banded together to make themselves look stronger--strength in numbers, ya know? But me....

I was afraid of myself.

I was afraid of not just what I had become, but who I might become.

I was afraid that everything that I keep hidden under this nearly flawless exterior would come ripping its way out like the seed from Alien and destroy the only world I ever truly knew.......

I am not okay, and this is the first time I am actually allowing myself to accept that fact.

But sitting around and sulking, what good is that going to do? I am not Liam, not woe is me. I am not Barney Green and spewing out accomplishments from 10 fucking years ago trying to make myself relevant in todays day and age. I hide behind my insecurities, sure, but those same insecurities are what surface like the mouth of a Great White to eat everything in front of me. I need to be driven to the absolute brink........

Maybe this whole failure thing is a positive.

So now I sit here with quite the dilemma on my hands, don't I? Self made, just the way I like it. The odds are stacked against me but for the first time in forever I have nothing to bitch about. I have no qualms with the establishment. I don't want to bitch out Roxy for thinking she embarrassed me on national television, because I don't see it that way. Roxy gave me an opportunity to seize. She gave me the opportunity to steal the show in my home town, the opportunity to not only be the Shooting Star Champion again but also to really back up my claims as "Queen". If I had beaten Charlie, Demos, whatever the hell he calls himself, I would have thrown all of that away. Instead, I made a statement. I pushed him to the brink, I gave him the biggest challenge he has had to date, and I proved that I belong in another division outside of the box that Roxy put us in as Shooting Star competitors. I proved that a break out is coming.

I just didn't know that the chains that I was breaking out of were my own.

The only person holding me back has been me. The only person who has failed to prove anything is me. I was so obsessed with being the Shooting Star Champion and calling myself the Queen....I couldn't juggle both. I looked at myself through tunnel vision binoculars. I looked at myself in one dimension. I never understood that there were multiple avenues that I could travel down simultaneously and be successful at. Now, I get to go home, and I get to prove to the world that Jenny Myst isn't just a pretty face and some spunk. So now I face this dude (dude? is it a dude?), and everyone is comparing him to Dick Powers. Oh, Dick had a breakout at this event. Oh this is an event where a new guy (guy?) can really prove himself (HIMself?), and actually think that this person (we can agree on the fact that they are indeed a human), can beat Jenny Myst and knock her out of this tournament.

Any excuse they can find right?

Here is how it is going to go. I am going to bring Charlie's ear to the ring and I am going to get medieval on their ass. Jenny Myst has been here for four years and I guess you could call me a late bloomer. In High School, its a social death sentence. In XWF 2021, its a death sentence for everyone in my way.

My time is now, and its about damn time.

TOP BUN

COFFEE

HANDLE IT

JENNY MYST 2021

The coffee was hot on her tongue, as the hot liquid engulfed her mouth and the taste poured in like lava out of an active volcano. God she needed caffeine. Tommy Romeo's schedule was running her ragged, she felt like she didn't know what sleep was anymore. She didn't even know what her own bed felt like. Hotels just weren't the same. So impersonal. Not homey. She missed her Vegas penthouse but she knew that until the Pay Per View she wouldn't see her home again. Los Angeles, Hollywood, maybe, but a quick weekend trip to the place that both shaped and broke her....she just didn't see it being an option. Hell, she could drive there from LA but she knew something would come up.

Something always came up.

She was excited to finally be doing something besides wrestling, but something about being inside that ring always drew her back. No matter how much she ran, the final destination was always back to the XWF. She sighed as she took another sip. Seeing the positives, she actually took a moment to enjoy the Los Angeles breeze running through her hair. Sure, she had lost to two people who she didn't deserve to lose to, but she can't sweat it.

Chin Up. Tits Out. Onward.

She has to have a stiff upper lip in these situations.

She pulled out her phone and looked at the calendar. Most of it was filled with Romeo stuff. She chuckled to herself. She thought this dude was a joke but he is legit, boy was she wrong. He had more connections than an electrician.

Jenny soaked it all in, the traffic sounds, the people, the distant dogs barking. She was living life for once. She felt alive.

But part of her was dead.

Part of her could be revived. Part of her was a cadaver.

A single tear squeezed itself from her eye as she sniffled the full on water works back, taking another sip of her Starbucks and tilting down her sunglasses.

Her phone buzzed. Quentin Tarantino.

She smiled as she pressed "Accept".

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