Bobby Bourbon has been absent from many XWF events of late.

I'M HERE

January 6, 2021

We open to see the Robbie Bourbon Dojo for the Competitive Arts. It's desolate, and damn near empty.

The Dunkin Donuts is closed, no business transactions going on at all.

The kitchens are shut down, empty, and quiet.

The training ring is empty.

In the final corner, a lonely soul sits watching their phone as there is nobody coming or going near their phone case kiosk. Things are so bad that there's a kiosk selling phone cases.

In front of Bobby's office, we see Cyberjaw, the man who can blend into any crowd, and Diamondback, the man with the cybernetic...

No, that's wrong. Shit is kinda fucked up right now.

We see Cyberjaw, the man with the cybernetic jaw, and Diamondback, the man who can blend into any crowd.

I can't believe how quiet this place is.

I know.

Diamondback's sorrow is telltale. Cyberjaw pats his shoulder with his hand.

We had a good time.

I know. I hope it doesn't have to end.

It might work.

I hope.

Through the front doors of the dojo walks Barney Green. His gait and demeanor are that of a seasoned veteran, and he walks with purpose.

I believe in Bobby Bourbon.

We know.

Thanks for coming.

I didn't come alone.

What do you mean?

I brought people, you goofy dingbats.

Through the doors of the dojo we see Money Oswald, Miss Fury, Jenny Myst, and Thunder Knuckles.

Oh shit, it's B.O.B.!

Yeah, we came.

We heard the news.

This is kinda stupid.

Whatever, is the big man alright or fucking what?

Well, Fuchsia...

She left.

Oh, shit. Fuck that bitch!

Bobby is a good guy, what happened?

She just got tired of him or something. After he lost the Hart to Ned, then didn't win a battle royale somewhere else, she just bailed.

She said she needed to discover herself.

He really cared about her.

That bitch! He adored her, there was nobody else before that woman to him, and she...

She just dipped out.

So, where is he?

In his office.

TK, without hesitation, opens the door to Bobby's office. Inside, on the floor, laying in the fetal position, is Bobby Bourbon. He's busy dicking around on his phone.

What?

Yo, big guy, you alright?

I'm fine.

Bobby looks up at TK.

I downloaded Tinder! There are lots of women on there who want relationships, it's why they went on the app store and made the minimal effort to download an app!

Bobby turns back to the screen of his phone. He seems to be swiping away at the randomized meat market that is online dating apps. Miss Fury picks up a stick which just so happens to be in the office. She pokes Bobby.

Get up.

Quit it.

She prods again.

Quit it.

I believe in you.

You don't have to. Believe in yourself, I believe in Barney Green.

Bro, there are some fucking creepy fucks running around now.

And you'll handle them.

Get up!

Fury prods again.

Quit it.

Look, we didn't just call B.O.B.

Yeah...

Through the door enter Shawn Warstein and James Raven. Neither look very impressed.

Did you seriously call us to look at a fat guy on the ground?

I knew he was pathetic.

Raven glances at Warstein.

You never faced him.

He beat the shit out of me and Noah for no good reason!

Diamondback smirks as Cyberjaw's eyes go wide.

Oh, he probably had a good reason.

Raven shrugs.

Look, Robbie, Bobby, whatever you go by right now. I get it that you're sad your girlfriend left you, but, well, it's probably for the best.

Yeah, she never was into me or James like most of the girls in the business.

That's cold.

It's true.

It's still cold.

Barney Green steps in front of both of the members of Legacy, his demeanor foul and his backbone twenty times the size it was some months ago.

My friend is in pain, don't insult him.

Miss Fury pokes Bobby with the stick again.

Quit it.

Would you fucking stop?

TK grabs the stick and swats at Bobby.

Get the fuck up! This ain't you, that's for fuck sure! You're the Wednesday Night Wrecker, the Big Bad, Big Bad of Big Bads! You're not supposed to be on the floor wallowing!

The stick breaks.

I'm not wallowing, I'm sulking.

This is a far departure from the man who took me to the limit at Relentless. It's sad.

Is it?

Raven nods.

Kinda.

The door to Bobby's office opens again. In walks Thaddeus Duke along with Dr. Louis D'Ville.

Is this the right place?

Yeah.

Okay, good. My little guy wouldn't forgive me if it wasn't!

Bobby, look, it's the guy who's the Universal Champion that you beat constantly, doesn't that make you furious?

Quit it.

D'Ville squats next to Bobby.

Hello, my friend!

Hiya, pal.

D'Ville sneers and rolls his eyes.

I tried.

TK looks at both Duke and D'Ville with malice.

Y'all both lucky big man is down, otherwise...

Before he can finish his statement...

I WANNA ROCK!

In walks Vinnie Lane. He's leading a Rottweiler by a leash, which bolts and starts slurping at Bobby.

Get up, you gotta earn your paycheck.

Bobby giggles as the dog licks his face. Vinnie looks at the rest of the room, most of which is agog at his presence.

What? He loves dogs.

Bobby sits up and starts to pet the Rottweiler, a lap dog in comparison to his massive frame.

Who's a good girl?

The dog sits in front of Bobby, accepting the affection from him. Most of the room looks relieved as he finally gets off the floor and embraces something.

How did you...

I'm smart.

Vinnie grins as the rest of the room rolls their eyes.

You're not, I beat you all and knew better.

The eyes almost roll out of the skulls of some in the room.

Bobby, did you see the news?

Bourbon looks up at Vinnie and shakes his head.

What news?

Cyberjaw takes a deep breath as he turns the large television in the office on. It shows footage of the U.S. Capitol. Bobby looks on intently as he continues to rub the dog. The television relays information we all hear.

"This is unprecedented, the U.S. Capitol has been taken over by supporters of President Trump, most of whom are claiming the election is false."

The whole room, which is really, really crowded, stops and stares at the scene in front of them. Insurrection. People subverting the democratic process in front of their eyes. The unheard of happening in front of them. Vinnie folds his arms across his chest. Bobby stands up. He looks at the dog.

Stay here, girl.

Bobby steps towards the door.

Where are you going?

Bobby stops. His hulking frame heaves with breath, and exhales with a snort. Without turning, he speaks.

Y'all stay here. I gotta go do something.

Bobby walks out of his office, slamming the door behind him as he leaves. For a moment, the room is dead silent, recognizing the horrors on the screen of the television, until they all break out cheering. D'Ville and Vinnie high five each other. Raven and Barney both nod, beaming. Warstein and TK fist bump. Cyberjaw and Diamondback, grinning ear to ear, laughing, almost rejoice.

They fucked up.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The U.S. Capitol on January 6, 2021, one of the darkest days in U.S. History. A group of radicals attacked the halls of the Legislative Branch of the United States in an effort to subvert the democratic process, leaving the brave to stand their ground to turn away would be seditionists in the name of liberty and the virtues of our nation.

Inside the House Chambers, we see a man with his face painted Red, White, and Blue, wearing a Buffalo headdress, a bevy of Nordic tattoos across his body.



He sprawls out, looking contented. Play the song in the following link for him, but more importantly, for you, because real American patriotic Motherfuckers are coming for him.



He sits at the desk at the head of Congress.

"Well, I dunno what happened here, but I'm here. Wonder what happened to everybody else I stormed the Capitol with?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In the halls of the Capitol, we see a fool in a Make America Great Again hat taking selfies. Suddenly, he is kneed in the head by none other than Bearded War Pig.

Oink oink, motherfucker!

Three other idiots come to storm the Capitol point at BWP. Before they can move, they're plowed down by Robbie Motherfucking Bourbon.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In the Capitol Rotunda, some moron takes his picture walking out with a podium. Soon after, he is caught around the neck by Robbie Bourbon and feels Earth's Mightiest Chokeslam. Soon after, the crowd steps forward towards Bourbon.

Oh, hi! We're the Motherfuckers!

As they step forward, BWP pulls his AR-15 and mows them down with rubber bullets.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Take that, Pelosi!"

Big O from Alaska finishes his letter, giggling to himself for having left a letter for a duly elected official. He stands, and as he does, he looks at the door and he goes pale.

"I, I, I thought you guys were done!"

Bourbon and Pig step into the room, another traitor to the United States found.

"No, NO! NOOOOOOOO!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Look, we have unsettled business between us.

Yep.

One day, we'll get it squared away in the ring.

I reckon.

I'll draw irons with you any time.

And same.

Bourbon and Pig look at each other with pure venom in their eyes. They then clasp each other's hands, knowing that America needs them now. Bourbon turns and kicks the doors in front of them open, and we see the Congressional Chamber. Sitting at the House Speaker's desk is some fucktard with his face painted and a buffalo headdress.

"THIS IS PUBLIC PROPERTY! STOP THE STEAL! STOP THE..."

In short order, the screen fades to black as Bourbon and BWP finish clearing out the Capitol, the screams of a failed insurrectionist echoing in the darkness.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

At the Bourbon Dojo, life is thriving. Students are training under the tutelage of D'Ville and Raven. The Dunkin Donuts is busy. The kitchen is dishing out meal after meal for the homeless, destitute and hungry. The phone case kiosk is down, instead we see a clinic in it's place for those who need medical help and don't have insurance, partitioned with an education center for those who need to get their GED or find work. Bobby walks back in through the front door, his eye swollen, his nose bleeding, his lip busted, and limping. He's smiling.