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Shawn Warstein · (07-10-2020)

“This is embarrassing.”

“Of all the places to go to first…. you chose this one?”

Again I must say, annoying Noah again just feels right. For so long he was putting me in weird and uncomfortable scenarios, it’s about time that it happens to him.

We both step out of the car, and approach the doorway.

“I’m telling you…. I’m not going in there.” Noah stomps a foot on the ground and crosses his arms. “It’s gonna be weird…. and what do I tell V?” Noah is a great guy, really, but sometimes he just doesn’t see the forest through the trees…. oh shit this is still happening?

“You don’t have to tell her anything.” Noah looked at me with a scrunched face and shook his head.

“I tell her everything, and maybe if you had done the same with Atty it wouldn’t be ME you’re dragging into this sex museum at 7am.” And cue the over dramatic pan of the building….

[Image: musee-de-l-erotisme.jpg]

The Musée de l'érotisme, or as you might refer to it as The Museum of Eroticism. I’ve never been sure what her fascination was with places like this, but I have seen so many…. acts. Every major city we ended up going to, right to Yelp she would go and boom. We were at their local sex museum. It was cool the first time, and then you end up realizing that sex is sex. It doesn’t matter the era, the people, or any other mitigating factors. So once you’ve seen one Chilean sex tape, you’ve seen them all.

“Come on. I called ahead and got them to open early for us.” I shove Noah in the back towards the door. With a quick knock on the door an older man swings the door open.

“Good morning gents. Come…” He waves the both of us inside, he glances down the street and slowly shuts the door behind him. Locking it before he spins around towards the both of us.

“Why’d you lock the door, cunt?” Noah questions as he takes a step towards the door but is stopped by the man with a hand to the chest. This isn’t good. Wait, that's what I think it is.

“Yeah man, what with the door?” I take a step towards a small package on a display by the door but he grabs me by the arm and spins me around. He places a hand on my shoulder and pushes the both of us deeper into the building.

“It’s not everyday I get people wanting to have a private tour of the museum…” One creepy smile later. “This is going to be fun.” Okay…. so this guy is a serial killer right? My widened eyes look at Noah, whose eyes are even wider.

The man leads us through a few different corridors. Winding in all different directions. Some lead to supposedly dead ends, but with a quick turn we would be back in an open hallway. The entire time the man is humming. Noah leans over to me.

“He’s totally going to kill us right?” A quick shrug. “I’m not dying in some sex shop like Mastermind.” He does know that Mastermind isn’t dead, just his career.

“I’ll figure a way out of this, but first we need to get…” I was cut off before I was able to finish. The man turns around and smiles widely.

“And here we are. The back room. This is the private collection. Some of the rarest and oldest pieces we have.” Slowly he pushes the door open. You would be mistaken if you thought it was anything special. There was a folding table in the middle of the room, and a few lining the walls. It was dimly lit by a few light bulbs. A yellow hue covers the room. Is that what I think it is? Oh you’ve got to be fucking kidding me. I elbow Noah in the ribs as the man walks into the room.

“What’s that doing here?” Noah looks and begins to laugh, but stifles his glee when the man turns around.

“Something funny about the female body?” With a tilt of his head and a stern timbre.

“Nah… we good.” Fucking hell. That isn’t supposed to be here, how did that get here?

What we saw was a life size cut out of Atara with a TV playing in front of it. I don’t have to tell you which promotional video it was, you’re smart, well unless Mastermind is watching this.

“Noah, we’ve gotta get that out of here…”

“Why? What does it matter to you? It’s not like you’re together anymore.” He’s got a point. “Plus you know her, she would want eyes on her. All the admiration. Just leave it.” Yes she wants all eyes on her, but not like this. He knows that, he just doesn’t want to be stuck in a room filled with smut.

“Listen… I know that, but she wouldn’t want it like THIS.” Noah stomps his foot causing an echo in the room as the man turns around.

“Sorry….” Noah quickly apologizes. Content with the apology he turns around facing all of the ‘exhibits’.He begins to explain everything in the room in the dryest of tones, eventually ending on the display of Atara, where the excitement in his voice is palpable.

“This right here is the closest living embodiment we have on this earth of Aphrodite…” He creepily licks his lips and continues. “And thanks to some clever maneuvering we were able to catch her in all of her glory…” He spins around facing me. What the fuck is he looking at? Why did his demeanor change?

“And what we have here is the man who coaxed his name from her mouth in a moment of pure bliss…”

“Shawn…..” Atara’s voice can be heard coming from the TV on what could only be described as a shrine.

Oh fuck…..

“Now I’ll be able to add you to the collection…” The man produces a small blade from his inner pocket and lunges towards Noah and myself. Noah shoves the man into me, and I quickly send him back to Noah.

“Fuck you cunt! You handle this!” A massive shove from Noah and he’s in my arms.

“No way! You’re the one with the weapons attached to him!” In reference to the crutch Noah has, as the man is shoved towards him again. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t Need it anymore, but it does give him priority in lines and whatnot. Smart.

“No way Dad, that’s your name she’s saying…. you better handle this!” Once again like a bad game of ping pong he is shoved towards me. I side step him at the last moment as he falls face first into a stand alone pillar. Noah and I look up as what could only be described as a massive

wobbles on top. Precariously leaning over the edge. The man leans up against the pillar, holding his head.

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you….”

He used the pillar to push off of, but all it does is fall backwards. The massive

hangs in the air like an old cartoon, before falling directly on the man’s head, knocking him out cold. Noah and I look at each other with a wide look of surprise. Did that just happen like that? Did this dude just?...

“Get your shit… before Mr. Head….” Noah couldn’t finish before breaking out in laughter. I rush over to the cardboard cutout, folding it up quickly into a small package like object. I open the DVD player and remove the disc. With a quick snap Noah looks up at me.

“Thought you would’ve kep….”

“Now's not the time.” Noah nods as we rush out and through the maze of corridors.

“We’re lost aren’t we? That perv is going to make me do… well…. I don’t know cunt. V isn’t going to approve that’s all I know!” A frantic look comes over his face.

“Just come on…” I grab him by the sleeve and drag him behind me. Round and round we go before Noah grabs me by the shoulder and we stop.

“Just admit it… we are lost!”

“We are not lost! It’s one building.”

“Dad…. I’ve seen that dong like six times already!”

“They all look the same come on!” Well most of them look the same. That one is massi….. Look I found the way out! We approach the lobby of the building, huffing and puffing. I look over to Noah.

“Told you we weren’t lost, and I told you you didn’t need your crutch.” Noah looks at his legs and shrugs.

“I get to the front of lines…” I knew it! “And that wasn’t what we were here for was it?”

Fuck. I forgot about that.

“No, but thankfully it’s right here.” We walk up towards a counter in the front of the building and grab a small box with a note attached to it. It reads. ‘Just one of three. To You from Me.’

“IT WAS RIGHT HERE IN FRONT THE WHOLE TIME!?!?” Exasperated Noah shoves open the front door and stomps off, I shrug and follow behind him.

“How was I supposed to know they weren’t going to move it?” I questioned as I caught up to Noah.

“Oh I don’t know… how about…” Noah stops and faces me. “The fact that it’s a museum! The fact that they don’t move anything! The fact that you knew it was there and you still dragged the both of us into that place!” I don’t know what to say.

“Tacos?” Noah’s shoulders relax as he drops his head.

“Yes. Obviously I want tacos.”

We walk down the street heading towards the “Mister Taco” restaurant, when we pass by a flaming barrel. I look down at the cardboard cut out and toss it in the fire, without breaking my stride.

We walk into the restaurant and take our seats. I look at Noah, and he just stares back at me. Then I nod my head towards the door.

“You’re going to shoot a promo in the taco joint?”

“Obviously.”

“Real original. Just make sure they don’t mess up my order…”

“I’ll wait until I’m done to order, I’m?” Noah gets up from his seat and walks out of the restaurant. I watch as he pulls out his phone, jams his earbuds in and opens YouTube.

“Are you still with me?”

The camera nods ‘Yes’.

“So what’s the deal with you? Are you always there? Sometimes you can hear my thoughts? Other times you’re just watching?”

Another nod from the camera.

“Like the Truman Show?”

Quickly the camera shakes ‘No’.

“Whatever man. I don’t get you. I’ll figure out how to get rid of you one day, but for now I must focus on….” I pause for a moment and lose my train of thought. “What was I talking about? Right, Warfare, and defending my Universal Title against…..” Once again I stare off into the abyss, only to be shocked awake by a waitress dropping off a glass of water and some chips to the table.

“Mastermind.”

“I waited and waited for you to show something, anything other than the bland ole Mastermind promo, and still somehow I’m disappointed. I honestly didn’t think my opinion of you could sink any lower, but here we are.”

“If I’m going to be honest, there was one fleeting moment where I thought you were going to give me a challenge, and with your most recent output, I can see that isn’t the case. It’s as if…..” Wait, he said what at the beginning? I’m the hunted?

“No Fucking SHIT I’m the hunted! I’m the champ baby. Of all the mediocre talent in this place, it takes you to point out the obvious? Have you not been paying attention? Everyone is afraid to step up. Yourself included. I gave everyone a chance, and no one answered for weeks.”

“It was open to everyone.”

“But if it's a song parody you want, fine. I can do that too, and I can do it better. The main difference is I won’t have to steal another person's words, and song to make a mediocre attempt at best of changing a few words around.” Man I want to drop 16 on him right now, but he’s not worth the effort. “But I’m not going to do that, because I don’t care about your little song. I hear everything everyone says about me, but I’m too busy to respond.”

“But for you Mastermind. I’ve got all the time in the world. Have you realized yet that I haven’t even watched ONE on your promos all the way through? I fast forward, hit play for a second, and repeat. That’s all the effort needed to get one over on you.”

“For example.”

“It’s SHAWN.” Boom Roasted

“How fucking idiotic do you have to be to constantly say it wrong, and your production guy needs to be fired as well. We are way less than 10 days away from me whoopin the every loving fuck out of you.” I know maths is hard but we are five days away not including today and that pathetic attempt.

“The thing that worries me about this match is… absolutely nothing. When I fought Page, I knew I was going to war. In War Games, it’s in the goddamn name for Christ sake. The real issue is I was having a tough time determining who was going to the bottom of the list of contenders for the title. Hanari or Calvary….”

“Then you showed up and took the cake without even trying. You stumbled into this match, and knew from the jump that you were in over your head. You jumped into the pool without your floaties. Now you're just waving your arms around, trying to keep your head above water. Dip, flail, dip, muffled cry, dip, flail. Constantly trying to get the attention of the adults.”

“But they aren’t paying attention. That is until a savior rises from the table and leaps in to save you. Yet something is wrong….” Uh-oh.

“The adult isn’t saving you. He’s dragging you down. Flail all you want, you’re not strong enough to fight back. Your pathetic attempts just make him angry. So he grabs you and drags you down deeper and deeper. Until the sun becomes just a memory. With every gasp, water fills your mouth. Then once the struggle is over and the last air bubble leaves your body. You’ll float to the top, still no one paying attention.”

“The man will leap from the pool, dry himself off and take a seat with the rest of the adults.” Oh shit here it comes. “He will kick his feet up on the table, grab a cold drink and smile. Softly with a fire burning inside of him, he will smile and exclaim.” Dun-dun-Duuuuuun.

“If you come for the KING….”

“You better not miss.”

I lean back in my chair and check for Noah. He’s still sitting there watching his phone. I send him a quick text message and his head perks up. Whipping his head towards me, I wave him in.

“So are you done?” Noah said as he sat down across from me.

“Yeah. For now.” As we both bury our heads in the menus.

“I don’t like the sound of that for him…” Noah said as he peers up from his menu.

“Neither does he.” Noah smiles and then once again looks up from the paper.

“Okay, so what’s in the box?” He said pointing to the box sitting on the table.

“Noah, you’ll never find out. Just figure out what you want to eat. We still have two more stops to make today.” I know time is running out, and we have to be quick about this. She won’t be very far behind us.

“Where are we going next?” Noah said without looking up from the menu.

“Love Lock Bridge.”

“Didn’t they take all the locks down?” They sure did, but I did something different.

“Yeah, not the point.”

“Well, tell me. Do you still…”

“Not now Noah.” The answer to that is obvious to anyone that pays attention. Noah stops and goes back to the menu. In a huff he tosses the paper and drops his hands to his side, as I look up with a crooked eye.

“Be honest with me…”

“Sure.” As I shrug slightly.

“All dicks don’t look the same right?”

“No Noah… sometimes they manifest themselves into humans. You know like Mastermind.”

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