The speedometer said 85. The air was warm and dry, as it usually is in Texas this time of year. The one thing about Texas he loved was the open roads. Miles and miles of open road with nobody on them. Florida was just too crowded sometimes. He had chosen some classic southern rock for the roadtrip, and he hadn't thought about just how bad it was.

Whoa, Black Betty (Bam-ba-Lam)
Whoa, Black Betty (Bam-ba-Lam)
Black Betty had a child (Bam-ba-Lam)
The damn thing gone wild (Bam-ba-Lam)
She said, "I'm worryin' outta mind" (Bam-ba-Lam)
The damn thing gone blind (Bam-ba-Lam)
I said "Oh, Black Betty" (Bam-ba-Lam)
Whoa, Black Betty (Bam-ba-Lam)

"Ugh" Jenny said, turning a sunglassed face from looking out the window to the radio in the truck. "I'm turning this...I can't even."

"Hold on.....babe pull out your phone."

"Why?"

"Look up who this is."

She clicked the phone a few times.

"Some band called Ram Jam."

He grinned. Ram Jam. Simple name, simple music.

"Where are they from?"

"Says they originated in New York City"

He slammed the brakes on, and she tumbled forward. The pink Cotton Candy Bang energy drink in her cup holder jolted, but was held in place. He pulled over to the side of the road.

"What....the ....FUCK?!" she said, adjusting herself in the seat.

"Pull up the video."

"Umm......."

"Just do it. I am sure they are on Youtube."

She put the screen on full screen, and held it in a position where they could both see it. They watched about a minute of the video in silence.

"Jesus. Look at that dude. The lead singer looks like if Marlboro Lights and Mountain Dew was a person."

Jenny giggled.

"And these dudes are from New York City?"

"Apparently."

He laughed a little to himself. "Okay, turn it off."

"Gladly."

He adjusted in his seat.

"I mean....these dudes are trying to sound like southern rock. They were taking advantage of what was popular then, can't knock that, but these dudes are about as Southern as Medved is actually Russian."

She looked at him, his reflection beaming off the bug eye aviator lenses.

"Medved?"

"Russian Rose. One of my opponents this week who doesn't even know his country's history. The ex-mafia bedbug of a human who claims he is the biggest, baddest thing in town. Evgeni Medved, the dainty Russian flower."

She giggled a bit to herself, taking a sip of her pink Cotton Candy Bang energy drink.

"That's a stupid name"

"Everything about him is stupid."

"So this is your punishment? Having to face the human embodiment of a demotion?"

"No.....I see it as a a gift. Wrapped nice, with a little bow. It is my chance to get another crack at Main."

She took another sip and put the pink Cotton Candy Bang energy drink back into the cup holder.

"And that 'I'm Lovin' It, life is good piece of island trash Tula Keali'i."

"Duh duh duh duh duh" Jenny makes the jingle for McDonalds as she raps on the dashboard.

"Hmmm?"

"You said 'I'm Lovin' it.....never mind"

"Neither of these two know the storm that is about to hit them."

"She just has that look on her face. I'd love to Pepper Spray her."

Chris shifts the truck back into drive. But.....then puts it back in park.

"It's so beautiful out here, isn't it?"

"Reminds me of being back home in Vegas, just outside the strip. All desert. Its nostalgic."

"Have you ever had sex in a desert?"

She grins. "Not this desert."

They lean in to kiss, and her elbow his the play button on the paused video on her phone. As they begin to make out the sound of the 1970's corniest band begins to fill the otherwise silence.

She really gets me high (Bam-ba-Lam)
You know that's no lie (Bam-ba-Lam)
She's so rock steady (Bam-ba-Lam)
And she's always ready (Bam-ba-Lam)
Whoa, Black Betty (Bam-ba-Lam)
Whoa, Black Betty (Bam-ba-Lam)

"You know, you guys make this way too easy. I mean, shooting fish in a barrell, right? Picking olives up with toothpicks....you make poking holes in your entire estranged argument almost enjoyable. That dumbfounded look on your face when I show the entire world just how ignorant you really are will be almost as much joy as dropping you in the center of that ring for the 1-2-3.

Almost as much.

Lets begin with Tula Keali'i....little miss Hawaiian islands. Who in the hell do you think you are? I get it, taking shots at Chris Chaos is the fashionable thing to do around here, but maybe Centurion has been filling your head with confidence you didn't earn. First off you bubbling puddle of pantywaste, we don't need you or anyone to "make us look good". Hanari is a proven brawler here and I am--as much as it pains you all to say it--an XWF legend. We look good just walking into the building. What they did was take the most polarizing, ticket-selling, ass kicking entity from the Shane era and team him with the new rising star, the man who is going to make waves in this business for years to come. They are setting up a Pay Per View level match for the tag titles.......do you blame them? Robert Main and CCP...they would eat you two up and spit you out. It would be a minute to minute and a half match, if that. With us, at least they get their box office money's worth."

But resumes are just paper. They only show what you've done, not what you're capable of. There is no resume for potential. There is nothing you can put on paper to show where you're headed in life.

Yeah? Is that so? Well slap me silly....I had no idea! I liked the trophy case-resume comparison. Clever girl. But let me ask you this.....could you use that same argument against Main? Against Page? And what about your buddy Centurion? He waves his accomplishments around in everyone's face.....he is the first one to tell you how good he is, how many wins he has, who he's beaten.........so, you're saying you could beat him too? You just used your "logic" to say that a little gym time and some elbow grease, getting those hands a little dirty, could beat some of the best this business has ever seen. Didn't think about that, did you? So concerned with jumping on the "lets diss Chris Chaos" bandwagon that you didn't stop to think if your disses even made any sense.

Fucking moron.

And then, THEN, you deliver this gem. This little tidbit of pure gold."

I have been paying attention. I saw Chris Chaos face Centurion. I saw Hanari Carnes face Shawn Warstein. In both cases, in the lead up to both matches, these men - these prideful men with years of wrestling experience behind them - were turned into jokes. They had to sit back and watch as other wrestlers tore down their accomplishments and left them naked and exposed to the world. I saw them enter their matches already beaten. It was written on their faces the moment they stepped into the ring.

I mean........goddamn girl, I know Hawaii is exotic but lemme get a little bit of whatever the fuck you're on! I mean, did you watch the same program or are you just saying shit to say shit hoping something creates enough of a splash for anyone to give a fuck? Did you just skip over the epic promo build up that Hanari and Warstein had? Did you see the match with myself, Mastermind and Centurion? Classics, all of them. Sure, Cent stole one, but what is everyone talking about? Me spearing Mastermind through that announce table. Sure, Warstein stole his belt back, Hanari literally had the winning pinfall, but that match was a classic for the ages. The best match Savage has had in months.

I saw them enter their matches already beaten. It was written on their faces the moment they stepped into the ring.

Sounds to me like the little island princess is deflecting her own insecurities about this match, or, is just too stupid to realize just how stupid she sounds.

"I have been paying attention". Well isn't that the understatement of the century. People may like to call you a synic because they don't feel you can see the good in the world? Well, you can add dumb bitch to that list. Dumb synic Bitch. There is no good in this world, the world of professional wrestling. You have to go out and take what you want, nobody is going to hand anything to you. This isn't a charity. This is a dog eat dog world, and tomorrow night we are going to show both of you losers that the road here is long and bumpy. Nothing comes easy. You will be sitting in the back watching Carnes and I take on the tag champs--although, you've already proven your match "watching" skills are below average--and we will show you what a real XWF superstar looks like. Carnes may see potential in your future, but I don't. He may be going into this trying to teach you a lesson. I am thinking I may just as well end this sloppy discharge you call a career while its still warm. You had better hope he's in the ring when the match ends, because he may snap your arm but me....I wanna make sure you can never walk to the ring again.

I need to stop talking about you, its not good to entertain idiots. Not good for my blood pressure.

Speaking of idiots, it seems I am surrounded. Russian Rose.....Mr. Mafia Man. Did anyone else think his promo lined up with the same intellectual affinity as a childrens book? This Mitch Hedberg style promo was new for the XWF.....the only difference.....Hedberg was actually entertaining. I got through it, though. I swallowed the sour taste in my mouth and figured I would give the rest of this promo a chance. It had to be better than his partners, right?

Boy was that a miscalculation. Hey, you live and you learn, right?

I watched him stumble through life, being pathetic as usual. Then I got to his "promo", all 87 words of it.

All I can say is.....


The only thing I have to say is Saturday Night it is on. Chris Chaos! Hanari Carnes! I hope you don't underestimate us. We will destroy you! Like our great Mother Russia has done to so many countries that are no longer!

That is some groundbreaking shit. Some real inspirational patriotism. I mean, damn man, how can I possibly come back from something like that? I may as well hang it up now and chalk this up as a loss!

But then....there's logic, and, you know....history books. So I went back and listened again and my entire attitude changed. It is more like this.


THE ENTIRE "SOVIET BLOC" ARE THEIR OWN INDIVIDUAL COUNTRIES YOU TROGLODYTE!

I mean, even Germany which was the pride and joy of post WWII expansion slipped from your grasp. The only thing your precious motherland is known for is cheap vodka and the third highest suicide rate globally. I mean, third....you people can't even kill yourselves right!

Invaded our land? Dead weight? Bro, you realize Russia and those associated with Russia are among the poorest countries in the established world? What do you really bring to the table besides an overinflated ego you don't deserve and a sense of worth that even your partner doesn't see. So you won a few matches. Yippee. I should give you a Russian Cookie. Hell, we could have a whole Russian Bake Sale! Look it up on Urban Dictionary...it's fun stuff. Bout the only thing you funny talking pukes are actually good for.

Just because your partner seems to have the comprehension level of a toddler doesn't mean you need to dumb down your work for the rest of us.

We could see you were a bumbling idiot without you holding our hands through it. You spent more time pissed off at Red-X and taking us through your delusion-driven trip to the gym than you did focused on the extinction level event that is hurtling at you with reckless abandon. Carnes and I aren't to be taken lightly, but you're making the mistake of focusing on the wrong things. Rookie mistake. We are laser focused on you and your flower necklace fuck-hole of a partner, and we are going to eviscerate you. Send you running back to the "Motherland" with your tale between your legs and a broken sense of reality. You've already got Shane 's kids running down your face, now you'll have my boot up your ass to go along with it.

The baddest wrestler in town?

I don't think you're aware of just how literal that statement is.

I am gonna expose you tomorrow night, and turn you inside out for the entire world to see. You better buckle down and get ready because Mud-Ved, Chaos is coming.

And it's coming hard.