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Hanari Carnes · (04-08-2020)

Trash Talk

Walking into view, he smirks at the camera. The area where he is seems to be well-lit, and behind him is a concrete wall covered in vines. It looked perhaps like the back wall of a cemetary. It didn't matter, however, because Hanari looked the part.

He always dressed nice.

Dressed like a champion.

The scarf around his neck was powder white, and his hair freshly gelled. There was a confidence about him, an aura, a swagger.......he seemed to know exactly who he was, and what he was about to say.

Turning towards the camera, he brought his hands together.

"Griffin.......

All dis talk about Shawn Warstein, I almost forgot about chu, chico. How could I forget about de man who smells like Post Malone and looks like Dr. House on a crack binge?

Oh, I know why.

Because chu mean nothing. To anyone. Chu mean less to anyone here than Jim Jimson or Bilbo.......at least dey es entertaining. Chu? Chu es just fucking boring. Chu take yaself way to seriously, but don't have de skill set to back it up. Chu need a gimmick, so let Hanari help, ya? Et es de least I can do. At least when I am done, chu can say chu got your gimmick help from de next Campeón universal! I've said all along, I am a generous man.

So les see......what would make Griffin matter more?

Dis es a tough one.

How about a SJW? I think chu could fit dat role. Chu already smell de part. Just think, chor tag line everytime chu get snubbed for a title chu don't deserve anyway--get ready, cuz dat es gonna happen often--chu could say something like "Chor only in the main event because you are a cis straight white male!" Chu could wear berks and carry a vape pen. My god hermano, think of de fan base chu would have! Would be better then de 0 chu have now.

No? No like? Okay how about a Hipster? Chu already have de out-of-fashion jacket. All chu need es a sachel, holmes. Think about it, chor tag line could be......"

*Hanari clears his throat, trying not to laugh*

"DON'T MAKE FUN OF ME FOR NOT FOLLOWING CONVENTIONAL GENDER ROLES! SO WHAT IF IT LOOKS LIKE A PURSE!!!" DON'T OPPRESS ME FOR LIVING MY LIFE!!!"

*He does snicker a bit. The ladies love his smile*

"Dat would be more interesting than de bullshit chu currently do. No? No like? Okay how about......A guy who tries to point out Cultural Appropriation but he ends up being wrong because the person is actually a part of that culture. Oh, think about it. Chu could be a walking contradiction.......

Oh wait........

Okay, well how about a combo? A Heroin Addict, Racist Atheist, Milkman, and a guy who can't speel. Just one wrestler that has all these gimmicks. Chu could be easily offended and yell a lot about chor opinions.

Oh wait.......well, part of that chu already do.

In fact, most of it.

Alright, well, take my advice to heart at least. Change what chu are doing because it obviously es not working. Chu are in over ya head trying to play pick up with the big boys. Go back to de kiddie court with de 6 foot hoops and let de grown ups handle business.

But I know what chu gonna say. Chu es gonna come out, chest puffed, beard extra scruffy, and chu es gonna talk tough. Chu es gonna throw out a bunch of heavy words dat nobody takes seriously, then huff and puff chor way back to obsecurity where chu belong.

I think chu know by now that Warstein doesn't have to be pinned to lose his title. He doesn't have to submit. I can make chu squeal like Ned Beatty in Deliverence when I lock in Viva la Republic......and jus' like that Hanari es de new Campeón Universal.

But I am not going to do that. Pinning you Griff.....dat would be about as cheap as Warstein pinning a beaten down Engineer at March Madness. It would be de easy way. I have never been one for de easy way. I am not Shawn Warstein, I don't hide from de hard way. I roll up my sleeves and I go to battle and I want to beat de very best there is.......

That sure as shit es not chu, mang.

But Warstein? Es he truly de best? Well if chu measure him only by de 20 pound strap over his shoulder den yes, he is. But if chu measure him by the fortitude inside those insanely small testículos of his......

It certainly raises a valid argument.

So when I step into dat ring with Warstein, and the Savage--a show I have been a staple on, I may add--Main Event gets under way, chu are going to realize exactly what level chu are on cabron. Chu are going to be in well over ya head. BUT....if I know de grease ball mechanic de way I think I know de grease ball mechanic........chu es going to show up and give it de old college try. Chu are going to face chor superiors with no fear, Griff. I have always liked that about chu. So, if chu would accept, I would even give chu de first shot at de title. Mano-e-Mano. De way a man does it. Not de way a coward like Warstein does.

Think about it, ese. If Warstein wins, where do chu go? Back to de trash heap, back to facing de Maverick's and Calvary's of de world. Back to being in matches dat don't matter, serving as nothing but piss and shit breaks for de viewers...maybe a soda refill. But if Hanari wins........chu get a shot at glory. Chu get to be in de Main Event for de second time ever! Chu get to matter.

Think about it.

I will even let chu keep dat worn out gimmick chu currently think es working. No charge.

Show up and show out, Griff. Prove to de world that chu es not de scrub chu has shown then to be. Show up and take out chor aggressions. Hell, if chu fight me like a man.......chu won't win.......but if chu fight me like a man I may even spare your arm from being broken in two.

Think about it. Et es a win-win. Chu get to go back to being nothing, but at least chu get to have a título universal shot before chu go back to de trash heap. Dat es more than Shawn got in 6 months!

But Shawn......oh Shawn. He does no get that luxury. He es going to have his arm broken so bad they will need a broom and dustpan to recover all de fragments. It will be de most horrific thing chu has ever seen, I promise chu that.

Shawn es going to need complete reconstructive surgery on dat arm of his. Chu don't believe me? Ask Mastermind. He had his arm in a sling for weeks. I think it es safe to say I altered his "career".

And Shawn I want chu to watch closely as well. I want chu to see de level of intensity I am bringing to Pittsburgh. I want chu to see what I have to offer. Chu see, chu es sleeping on me, gilipollas. Bad move.

Me cago en todo lo que se mueve!

Me cago en dios!

I am a warrior, Shawn. I am getting better with every match. I blew de doors off de March Madness tournament and I will admit, I came up an inch short.

Chu should know all about dat, Coño. Chu has never gotten to de promise land either.

However, I lose in round two last year. I am adapting, improving, I get better with every opponent I face. Chu have stayed de same but now trying to re-gift. Trying to re-brand. Trying to find yaself.

Me madre always told me:

"La mona aunque se vista de seda, mona se queda". What dat means, Shawn, in inglés es, Although a monkey dresses in silk, it stays a monkey".

Dat es chu. A monkey. A monkey trying to moonlight as a human being. Chu can put lipstick on a pig, hombre, but et es still a pig. I am going to expose chu on Savage, and I am going to walk out of Pittsburgh as the only true legend. Keep dat title warm for me, puta, give it a kiss, because chu es going to be de shortest reinging XWF Campeón Universal in de last 5 years."

He looks into the camera with an intense stare. His lip curls and his voice gets a level of gravel to it.

"Viva la Republic.
Viva la Dominicano.
Viva la Hanari Carnes."

Your Next XWF Universal Champion

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