"I'm not in the mood for this. Not in the least."

We hear the voice of Robbie Bourbon. A still frame appears on the screen, showing Robbie's debut some four years ago at Warfare, calling out the entirety of the XWF locker room as it was engaged in a fracas in the ring. Gator, Vinnie Lane, Louis D'Ville, Trax, Dim, and all the biggest names of 2015 are seen reacting to the lone Bourbon on the stage, calling the whole world out.

"There I am. Before the scars, the pain, the trials, and before I really found out who the fuck I am."

The still changes, and we see Robbie Bourbon getting pinned by Game Girl.

"Yep, me again. Losing the first big one. I lost a few since. Nobody remembers that though. I'm sure some of your connoisseurs of the nuances of everything that happens day in, day out around the wrestling world could tell you in better detail what I experienced.

Nowadays, I get people who tell me I should know more about my opponents, to give them some kind of credence before I bash their fucking skulls inside out in a ring, but who the fuck is paying homage to my history?

I don't even waste my time doing that. Why do I need to be on camera to jerk myself off?"

The still screen changes, and we see a still of Robbie performing stereo chokeslams with Pest, when the Black Hand was making a run at the tag team titles.

"Nobody even remembers THAT. I mean, partnering up with Pest and Morbid, coming forward as the Black Hand, that would be the most embarrassing thing in most people's careers."

The picture changes to show Robbie holding the Universal Championship.

"NOW that's the stuff. That's what most people think is the most embarrassing part of my career. Being Universal Champion. To get to the mountain top and fall off.

To have my title stripped of me. I never lost the Universal Championship, check the tale of the tape.

But, Mandela Effects and whatnot. Some idiot wants to go around perpetrating the myth that I gave up my title, stopped caring, and didn't want to defend it anymore.

The thing of it is, life happens."

The still frame disappears. We see Robbie Bourbon standing in an empty room, a single light above him. He looks at the camera.

"So, today I found out my grandmother died.

Two weeks ago it was my cousin. He was found dead in a hotel room. That means one of two things; either he pulled an Anthony Bourdain or a John Belushi. Really, either scenario when you think about it, is not one you want to consider for a family member.

This past Friday I got to clean out his apartment with my uncle. Not really the funnest time, you can imagine. Here's a man who looks at me, some four years older than his boy, my cousin, and I'm still breathing despite my best efforts to throw caution to the wind.

I am really not in the mood for this, but Mandela Effects and whatnot.

So here I am with the song and fucking dance you want.

Here I am, a man of the people, putting on my brave face.

Because every time I put myself first in the past, it has come back to bite me in the ass."

Robbie reaches into the pocket of his spangled sequined jacket and pulls out a piece of paper.

"This is from Edward, age seven.

'Dear Robbie,

I am really glad you're back in the XWF. You are really tough and you beat up bad people. You beat up the people that are mean and stupid and who don't care about kids or other people. I am glad when you do a Robbiebomb to a bad guy. I like Bearded War Pig too. My mom says I can't say your names and I have to call you the Motherfudgers.'

Well, Edward, I might feel like shit because, welp, dead relatives and all, but hey, you're alive and kicking, aren't you? I guess in the honor and memory of my dead relatives, I'll think of you, my new favorite pal, when I go into the ring this Wedensday along with the ole' Fuzzy Face of Fear and we whip the absolute dog shit out of our opponents."

Robbie reaches into his pocket again. He pulls out another piece of paper.

"This is from Erin, aged six.

'Dear Rebbie Bourbon (I think she means Robbie),

You are real strong. Your friend Bearded War Pig is real strong too. The two of you are both very extra strong. I am glad you both go around and scare the bad people. There were bad guys in my neighborhood, my mom said so. You came to my neighborhood and beat them up, I saw. My mom says to tell Mr. Pig she says hi and that she should call her again some time. If you come back can you give me a piggyback ride?'

Erin, darlin', I remember your neighborhood and the bad guys me and Pig met there. Those guys are somewhere way better and safer than any jail. Matter of fact, when they got to the pearly gates and met St. Peter, they damn well could have told him 'yes sir, cause of death were the Motherfuckers, sir, we were peices of shit'. I am sure Pig would not mind seeing your mom again, I wonder if he'd spring for ice cream, I fly, he buys, we go, they stay kind of deal. You might be able to ride my centaur girlfriend."

Robbie puts both notes back into his pockets.

"If someone wants to be an idiot and think I avoid the XWF for any reason, they can be that idiot. I'm not afraid to be here, yeah I have shit brewing here and there that makes it hard to come around with the consistency of some others, but maybe it's about fucking time those idiots took a minute to breathe deep and consider why the fuck it is I keep coming back."

The lights come up. Surrounding Robbie in what appears to be an empty gymnasium, and while the walls define the room as finite, the crowd surrounding Robbie seems unending. A sea of humanity surrounds him. You're pretty sure you might even recognize someone in the crowd.

"So, I guess it's y'all.

Now, bear with us."

BWP walks up to the podium situated in the center of the gym with Robbie. He pulls open a briefcase, and it unfolds to show a set of turntables.

"We'll be back to our regularly scheduled programming in just a moment folks and explain what the fuck Pig and I were doing in this high school, but first a word from our sponsors.

First off, I have to say hold up, wait a minute, and just a plain old stop to the living crotch stain, Jenny Myst. Just stop, Jenny. Don't talk anymore.

You used the word 'stupid' to describe me more times than your partner says his own name in a single promo.

Oh, and Hanari, here, since you need stuff for your promo game and whatnot, I prepared the clip of MY promo you should use."

OhBoyMoreOfThisShit Said:"Hanari Carnes does this, Hanari Carnes does that! Hanari Carnes even refers to Hanari Carnes as Hanari Carnes like some slow kid who needs the practice to remember their own name. Hanari Carnes hails from Hanari Carnes, is the proud son of Hanari and Hanari Carnes, who are also the parents of Hanari Carnes, Hanari Carnes, and Hanari Carnes. Hanari Carnes will NEVER have the ring to it Robbie Bourbon does, but hey, Hanari Carnes!

Robbie crooks an eyebrow at the camera as Pig grins, fiddling through a box of records.

"Hanari Carnes, I hope you are paying close attention.

THIS can be your future.

You too can be a grand slam champion someday. You too can be the very definition of a division, and let's face facts, the 5'2" Mafia are champs right now but the Motherfuckers ARE the tag team division. Right now you are easily the XWF Rookie of the Year, without a shadow of a doubt, but Rookie of the Year sure as shit ain't Motherfucker status.

All of it comes from blood, sweat, tears, and the scrutiny of self professed experts on the subject of just being you.

People who are just toxic fanboy or fangirls who call your soul into question because you do something they can't."

Ruby the centaur steps up onto the podium alongside Robbie. She waves at everyone, her centaur horse tail swaying along as well.

"I have been intimate with my centaur girlfriend, Hanari. For everything you are, that you can be, you have never fucked a centaur. I have. I have what's simply known as big dick energy. That is because I have a huge cock. I am hung well enough to fuck a centaur. On top of that, I have tasted centaur period blood, and I have thanked Jesus Christ for the orgasms I have had having sex with my centaur girlfriend.

See, you're going into your promo and probably quoting that. By all means, I love it when people use my material. It's more valuable than theirs, ten times out of ten.

And if you do and don't understand what I just said, then you're definitely not hung like a horse."

Ruby is beet red but smirking after Robbie expresses to a full gymnasium that he has in fact either gone down on her while she was having her centaur monthlies or didn't check his fingers after fingerbanging her centaur vagina while she was starting her centaur monthlies. Robbie doesn't look ashamed in the least. Several celebrities are in the crowd, and they seem pleased to hear about all of this. Taylor Swift, Simon Pegg, that one person from that one Netflix show you really like but you kind of forgot their name, and several other famous faces are packed in the gym, eager to hear every word Robbie has to say, including how he is intimate with his girlfriend, who is a centaur.

"Your record on Savage is impressive. Our record, however, on Warfare, is oppressive. The Warfare ring, after all, will be the address of the pair at which you stare, but like Peter Gilmour I feel digressive."

Pig starts spinning records, DJing as Robbie goes off like an MC, and when it comes to Robbie, MC stands for Microphone Champion.

"Sorry, sorry, Hanari, your Wednesday night looks starry, you step into a ring like on a legends safari, I'm Bourbon, Pig's my beat consigliere, we'll leave your body lying still like the French with Mata Hari. You got three things going against you come Warfare, and one of them's your partner, the other two are us, and we're in the 24th grade, you're just a kindergartner.

Oh, and your partner..."

Pig lets the beat drop. The people are really getting into the impromptu show happning in their school gym as Robbie Bourbon spits rhymes, BWP drops beats, and Ruby the centaur dances like those centaurs in rap videos.

"Really, Jenny? You silly girl.

Tongue-in-cheek, veiled insults against you?

Since when do I hide a fucking thing when insulting someone?

Hanari Carnes is definitely part of a shittier team come Wednesday, but he's not the turd stinking it up. Seriously, do you even know what the term 'veiled insults' means? Don't get me wrong, there were plenty of teenaged boys and girls who were wearing shirts, hoodies, shoes, pants, backpacks, hats, and jackets that all said 'Jenny Myst is frothy garbage', but they weren't in every shot."

Pig brings the beat back up.

"What's this? Do you struggle to exist? You inject yourself in someone's shit and then you feel pissed? Why, it must be XWF's resident recidivist, taking pot shot after pot shot never caring if they missed, you got as much class as class dismissed. I could talk about all the genitals you've kissed or even how your favorite verb is fist, but that nasty shit doesn't even top your nasty list. Prince wrote songs about you, B-sides, about that time you sprained your wrist giving handies to roadies and toadies in your midst. Instead of you, your mother's ovaries should have grown a cyst, or maybe should have been plucked out by a proctologist, you're shit! You're gross, as your ex lovers have reminisced! And let's not forget the latest little tryst..."

BWP lets the beat drop.

"Jeffrey Epstein actually did kill himself because he hooked up with Jenny Myst."

The crowd erupts behind Robbie.

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"