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Boris · (11-02-2019)

Scully: You’re going to have to share.

I did not come to America to be oppressed by the chains of communism cyka blyat!

As I have said before, Slavs do not do Halloween, but this seemed like great opportunity for Boris to get to know tag team partner. So I thought, what the blyat, let me go get free candy. Boris loves a good Snickers. No Hershey’s though – it tastes like vomit.

Scully has group of friends with him, all dressed in costume. I do not know these people blin, but they are very friendly. However, they do not have the heart of the Slav. They do not know how to take food from strangers. But aye, if you grew up poor in the Eastern Bloc, you are very familiar with the art of stealing neighbor’s potato. So this “trick or treat” was perfect for a Gopnik.

I do not understand blin. First house we go to, Scully’s friends say “trick or treat”, they get small candy, and they leave. You can not survive on small candy blin. But next house, they have bowl outside. They have sign that says “only take one”. Nu nu blin, we have many people to feed. We need more than one. So, Boris takes whole bowl. Best Halloween ever!

Come to find out, Scully’s friends, they want candy, too. And they do not have the mind of Boris. They can not just take candy from strange house. So Scully tells me I must share with everyone else. Boris does not share! I worked hard for this blyat!

Scully: You stole it from some old lady’s front porch. You didn’t earn it at all. You didn’t even dress up.

When you write your story, you can say whatever you want blin! Besides, Boris does not need to “dress up”. Boris is always dressed up. No one saw my face, it is ok.

Scully: I think a fat guy in a bright yellow track suit with a Russian hat on his head would be pretty easy to pick out of a line up.

…Am I really fat blin?

Regardless, I give in to the requests and the crying and the whatnot and hand some candy over to Scully’s friends. They would not survive one day on streets of Presov, I promise that.

Now that Boris has shown how it is done – and forced to give away his candy – I have decided I am bored with going house to house searching for treats, and I decide to begin drinking. I always have flask of vodka on hand blin. You never know what you might get into. Besides, I do not need candy. I am just here for fun blyat! And vodka, it makes things fun.

One of Scully’s friends, he asks me how his costume look. I do not know what he is trying to be, so I tell him he look like he is ready to fall into any anomaly he sees. This debil did not understand what I was saying! What, am I speaking different language blin? What is so hard about the things that I say?

Another of Scully’s friends, he say his name is Lenny, kept asking Boris what I was drinking. I tell him truth – that it is greatest drink ever known to mankind. So, he say he wants some. After few sips, he fall down drunk! Hah, Western spy can’t handle some good vodka.

Scully: You’re getting my

drunk! What’s the matter with you?

Hey, if they can not handle drink, they should have better supervision blin! Besides, Slavs start drinking good vodka out of the womb. My niece can drink more vodka than these debils, and she is nine…and does not exist.

Scully: My son is also here!

Yes, I have plenty for everyone, is no problem. He just needs to ask blin.

Despite being a total killjoy, Scully is decent person. He take people out for candy. Who does that blin? Only decent people do that. He also only threatened to punch Boris in the face twice. That’s two times less than Centurion blin. We already are better team than Big D and Fuzz. Did Fuzz take Big D out trick or treating? I do not think so. This is why we are guaranteed a win on Saturday. That, and because we are better than them. Boris has the heart of the Slav, and I am told Scully has something called “

strength”. I do not know what that means blin.

Scully: That’s not even remotely a compliment.

Aye, but you have strength, and that is all that matters blin!

We also have two opponents who do not know who I am. Fuzz thinks he does. Says I am a lot like him when he was younger. From what I have heard, Fuzz could not handle his alcohol. He was Western spy who fell asleep behind trash cans. He even say I smell like vomit! Cyka blyat, I assure you I do not. A Gopnik never vomits on himself. Only Western spies feel the need to expel the drink from that night.

He also say I am Russian. EVERYONE say I am Russian. All Slavs are the same to these debils. It is racism, and it is unacceptable. It is also infuriating blin! Boris is trying to win for the country of Slovakia, and debils all across States of America think I am Russian!

Fuzz thinks he is so great, but I can tell you, he is not. Sure, he has won titles and many matches, but has he been up close to Reactor 4 and lived to talk about it? I do not think so blin! All he is is old man yelling at young Gopniks to get off his lawn. Fuzz is like Russia in early 90’s – as hard as he may try, change is coming. For Russia, it was the fall of the Soviet Union and the introduction to McDonalds. For Fuzz, it is the rise of young wrestlers taking his spot…and the introduction to McDonalds. Seriously comrades, I hate most American food, but the Big Mac is blyatful.

Fuzz is right on one thing. If they win – and they will not – it is because of him. That is because Big D is no good. He is just like any other debil who thinks he is great wrestler. He wins couple matches, had title, and suddenly he thinks he is tsar. I watch many matches, and I do not see Big D win many blin. Maybe I am missing something? Are there secret matches that Big D wins?

It is ok to be confused blin. It happens to everyone. It even happen to Big D, who does not know Slovakia from Russia. American education blyat. No wonder you elect man like Trump – you do not know basic geography. And yes, it is true that I do not know difference between West Virginia and Iowa, but this is different. Neither of those places matter.

Big D and Fuzz, they think Boris is weak link. They do not think Boris can stand on own two feet and beat them. This will be major mistake blin! Aye, I am more than just vodka and mayonez – though those things are big part of my life blin. I am also a Slav warrior. I am the bringer of hard bass to the masses. I am the International Slav Superstar, and the preacher of the cheeki breeki. And I am sure these are all things Big D does not understand. That is because Big D is major debil. He thinks Boris needs to get his references, but he does not understand mine. Many Slavs think this is typical of Americans, but many I have met have been rather nice. Aye, some Americans want to deport me to a country I do not live in, but that is no problem. No other American I have met has been like Big D.

Perhaps if Fuzz is smart man, and not debil, he would not even show up to match. Even if they were to win – and they will not – Fuzz has to know they will not make it far blin. Not with Big D as his partner.

The next phase of the spread of the cheeki breeki begins now, as Scully and Boris begin our journey to winning Lethal Lottery. Never fear…Boris is here.

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