Steve Sayors’ face was illuminated in alternating red and blue emergency lights as he stood outside the UGWC Arena while Kenzi Grey, one half of ‘The 5’2” Mafia’ was loaded into the back of an ambulance following a blindside attack during the company’s Monday night broadcast. Sarah Lacklan piled into the back, to comfort her wife and tag team partner as she screamed in agony. The woman’s injured knee was going to be the focus of his report this week, but apparently it had been the focus of one of her rivals…one that wasn’t associated with the XWF.

Steve didn’t know how this turn of events would affect the Tag Team Tournament match between ‘The Sick Cunts’ and ‘The 5’2” Mafia’ which was right around the corner. Things had slowly began to build as Grey and Fuzz had bantered back and forth last week. Issues of fame and in-ring skill had dominated their exchanges, building animosity and anticipation. Fans had been rubbing their hands together in eager contemplation of their clash…but now the match was in jeopardy and his exclusive interview wasn’t going to happen…

…or, was it?




“SHIT! Steve…what the fuck are you doing here?!”

Kenzi pushed me out of the way and stuck her head out the door, peering around frantically. I had no idea what was going on, but evidently it was very disconcerting for her.

“I came to see how you were! I mean, I saw the attack and I was wondering if you were going to be okay for the match against Fuzz and Noah.”

She stared at me with big brown eyes and pupils the size of nickels. It was suddenly apparent to me that she was higher than a kite, likely on pain killers. She blinked, and her vision cleared momentarily.

“Steve…NO ONE CARES ABOUT THE SICK CUNTS!! I HAVE A FUCKING EMERGENCY HERE!”

“Emergency? Wha-”

Kenzi grabbed me and pulled me through the house at break-neck speed, limping as she did, though it didn’t slow her pace. She pulled me to their trophy room and she stopped, staring into it with a look of fear on her face. She looked up at me, then pointed.

“…over there…”

I followed where she was pointing and walked, cautiously into the room. Everything appeared to be fine and I had no idea what she found so terrifying.

“Kenzi, I…OH MY GOD!!!”

I nearly pissed myself as I saw a giant black spider…crushed underneath an overturned golden trophy. To my relief, the spider appeared to have not survived the ordeal. Still, my heart was beating like a trip hammer in my chest. I had never seen anything like it.

“I think you’re okay…it’s dead.”

“OH MY GOD!! SARAH IS GOING TO FUCKING KILL ME!! THAT’S HER PET SPIDER!!”

“Pet?”

I looked down at the mess, glad I hadn’t seen it when it was alive. It sure didn’t look like any spider I had ever seen before.

“I’m sure she’ll understand.”

Kenzi shook her head frantically. Her microbraids whipping back and forth.

“She’s gonna think I did it on purpose! She’s gonna kill me!”

“Well…I wouldn’t blame you. That thing looked hideous.”

“Yeah, I know…HEY!!!”

“OW!!”

She turned and punched me in the shoulder…hard. I could tell that she was still panicking, even though it was obvious that she had no love lost for Sarah’s former pet. I turned, deciding that I’d leave before Sarah found out and things went even further south.

“I’m gonna go…maybe I can call you tomorrow to ask about the knee.”

“YOU CAN’T LEAVE! I NEED YOU HERE IN CASE SARAH SHOWS UP! She won’t kill me if we have company…probably…”

This was seeming like bad deal, all around. I shook my head.

“I don’t know…maybe it’s best if I-”

She grabbed me, pulling her down to look into her huge eyes that shown my reflection like a mirror back at me. She looked around nervously, as if she half expected someone to be listening in.

“…I called someone…they will be here any moment, but if they don’t get here in time, I’ll need you here to back up my story…”

“Story? What story?”

“Lael attacked me!”

I turned to walk out. I wasn’t having any part of it.

“NOPE! Sorry…I have to go!”

“I’ll talk to you about the knee…the match…Noah, Fuzz, whatever you want! Just don’t leave!”

I stood there, to my horror, actually contemplating this. Was I so desperate for an exclusive that I was willing to put myself into the middle of a possible domestic dispute?

“BELOVED! WHERE ARE YOU?! I’M HOME!”

The look of panic on her face was almost comical. She gave me a pleading look, then stepped outside the room to confront Sarah before she happened upon the horrific scene inside the trophy room. I stood there watching as Kenzi limped to Sarah, throwing her arms around her, stopping her short of walking inside the room. The Anarchy Champion’s odd red eyes found me as I stepped out and gave an awkward wave.

“Steven? Are you here to interview us about the thrashing that The Sick Cunts are going to be handed as my love and I advance in the tag team tournament?”

Kenzi turned and glared at me as well, her large eyes filled with fear and a hint of warning for me. Eventually, I caved and nodded my head as I covered for Kenzi.

“Yeah…just trying to get the exclusive, you know?”

Sarah rubbed her hands together gleefully as she started to head towards the trophy room.

“WONDERFUL! We can just go in-”

Kenzi stopped her, nearly pushing her to the floor as she fell into her. Kenzi screamed in pain as she grabbed at her knee.

“OW!!”

“Are you okay?!”

A look of deep concern came over the woman’s pale features as she moved to hold Kenzi up. Kenzi waved her off, craftily turning her away from the room and leading her out.

“I…I think so! The pain killers are just wearing off. I used the last few pills and now my knee is KILLING me! Maybe you could pick up some more?”

“Beloved, that is why we have serva…!”

“OW!! IT HURTS SO BAD!! Would you go? You’re the only one I can trust!”

She looked at Kenzi and then she looked at me. Her concern was growing.

“I’ll stay with her…it’s no bother.”

I could tell that she didn’t want to leave, but a few minutes later and Sarah was out the door and heading far FAR across town to refill a prescription that only served one purpose…to get her out of the house.

Well…maybe two purposes. To get me an exclusive interview…





“So, the knee? How bad is it and do you think you’ll be able to participate in the match this weekend against the Sick…cunts?”

Steve was cautious about saying the word ‘Cunt’ around Kenzi, but she waived it off. She was obviously in much more accepting now. The woman had cleaned up and looked far less of a wreck than she had earlier, but it was clear that she was still quite hopped up on pain killers.

“My knee is in bad shape, but it won’t stop me from coming to Savage and taking on Fuzz and Noah in that tag tournament match. When I make a commitment, I stick to it and I don’t let anything or anyone distract me from it! The 5’2” Mafia is booked and we are going to be there to take on those two ass clowns…busted knee or no busted knee! The way I see it, we have an obligation to boot Fuzz and Noah out of the tournament, if for no other reason than for the fans to not have to listen to a promo that is 90% cunts and 10% bullshit!”

“So, you saw what they had to say about you and Sarah?”

Kenzi erupted into a fit of laughter that was both, too long and too loud to even seem real. Eventually she stopped, shaking her head.

“Actually…no, but I don’t have to watch one to know what kind of drivel they will be spitting. Regardless of what they claim, it will just be a feeble attempt to make this match about anything other than the fact that they are a couple of days away from getting kicked out of the tag team tournament by two hot bitches that they are welcome to have claimed to have laid down for! Unlike Sarah, I don’t care what they say after they lose…they laid down or got knocked out, makes no difference to me!”

Steve stroked his chin, assessing her with a critically eye.

“Well…you’re not wrong. Noah did say cunt a lot, but he also said...”

“I don’t care…nobody cares what Noah said. Let me explain why; it boils down to credibility, and he has none! I don’t want to beat a dead horse, but facts are facts…when you can’t man up and take a ‘L’ like the rest of us, I don’t really care what you have to say. Yeah, I know that he was probably talking out of his ass, but I promise you…anything he said after that was the same…flapping his cunty-ass lips a hundred miles an hour about how big a cunts Sarah and I are. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH! Nobody cares because everyone has heard that rap from him a thousand times and hearing it one thousand and one times isn’t going to make it any wittier! I just…”

“OI! Kenz!”

Steve paused the interview as he turned and watched the XWF Internet Champion, Bobbi London walk past with a large box and her best friend, Maxine, wearing a bright yellow rain slicker and carrying a bucket filled with cleaning supplies. As soon as the cameras turned to them, Bobbi hid the box behind her back and Maxine pulled the hood further over her head in an attempt to hide her face.

Bobbi eyed Steve suspiciously, then looked at Kenzi.

“We’s ‘ere bout yer lil’ problem.”

Kenzi didn’t say a word, she just pointed in the direction of the trophy room. Bobbi nodded and she and Maxine shuffled away, leaving Kenzi and Steven alone. Kenzi laced her fingers, turning back to Steve as if nothing were out of the ordinary.

“Sorry about that. Where were we?”

“You were saying how Noah was repetitive and you didn’t need to listen to him to know what he had to say.”

Kenzi pointed at Steve.

“Excellent point Steve! I couldn’t have said it better myself!”

Steve seemed confused as he blinked and shook his head.

“I didn’t say that…you did!”

She shrugged and threw up her hands.

“EVEN BETTER! I-“

“…psssssssst...”

The interview was stopped again and the two of them turned and saw Bobbi and Maxine standing by the door. The Aussie’s eyes were nearly as wide as Kenzi’s.

“Mate…this thing is fuckin’ ‘uge, yah?”

Kenzi tried to shield her face as she answered under her breath.

“…can you just get it before you know WHO comes back…?”

Bobbi and Maxine look at each other, then reluctantly head back into the trophy room to take care of business, presumably. Kenzi shook her head and turned back to Steve as she finished her previous thoughts on Noah.

“Look Steve, here is the sad fact; this match should be about redemption for Noah after failing to become the Anarchy Champion. He should be chomping at the bit to get in there and tear Sarah apart, but we all know it’s going to be the same old shit and the same old ending. There will be 300 cunts and then there will be a match where he ends up polishing the mat with his back…on purpose or whatever. End of story…who’s next to lose to us in the tournament!”

Steve held up his hand to stop her.

“Let’s not get too far ahead of ourselves. Regardless of whatever Noah has to say, he isn’t alone in this match. Say what you want about him, but Fuzz is truly a different breed. I think you saw that after you traded barbs with him on line last week.”

“I-“

Kenzi paused as their senses were assaulted by what sounded like a chainsaw being started. The lights in the house flickered as a loud banging is heard. Kenzi and Steve stared at one another for what seemed like 5 minutes before it abated and Bobbi stuck her head back in the door.

“Maxie wants to know if she can keep the…body?”

Kenzi ran her hands down her face, then gave an exasperated sigh.

“I don’t care! You guys can just do whatever you want!”

“ACES MATE!”

Bobbi disappeared again and Kenzi let out another exasperated sigh.

“Fuzz…yeah, I got it! We had words, but to tell you the truth, I wasn’t really into anything he had to say. I mean, he has this strange obsession with Tara Reid, who I’m guessing he thinks I resemble professionally? I wasn’t really following what he was saying.”

“I think he was comparing your acting career to hers.”

Kenzi grinned at this.

“Well, we aren’t going to be running from any Sharknados when that bell rings, so he can make all the little cute comparisons he wants about what I do outside the ring. The bottom line is this, I know he has credentials in the sport and I know The XWF just acknowledged him for it, but I have a few credentials of my own and acting has NOTHING to do with them! I’m a multi-time and current champion in the sport of professional wrestling, I’m a global tournament winner, and I’m a Hall of Famer. Maybe none of these things are as interesting to Fuzz as the fact that I act, I play football, and I fight in a cage. All of that is well and good…but he is going to find out that dismissing all of my other accolades and accomplishments is going to leave him in serious trouble when that bell rings. I suspect he’s going to wish he was in the ring with Tara Reid before it’s all over and done with!”

Steve chimed in to get at a final point.

“You went out of your way to ask Fuzz what it would mean if you beat him after he had run you down so completely as no real threat to him. He said, in a nutshell, that if he lost, it was because he should have been more prepared and he shouldn’t have booked himself so heavily. In the end, it would all just be nothing more than business…one that you’ll learn, eventually. Now that the match is almost upon us, what do you think of what he had to say?”

Kenzi sat in quiet contemplation before giving a very measured answer.

“I think Fuzz is probably a hell of a competitor, but I am also fairly certain that he is dumber than a box of rocks if he thinks for one moment that he can teach me a damn thing in this business! I have been beating people who take me lightly for years now and I am going to do it again on Saturday night! After its over and done, he can blame it on his schedule, he can blame it on Noah, or he can blame it on Tara Reid if he wants! I’m not a doe eyed rookie and if he isn’t prepared for this match 100%, I am going to embarrass him right on his home turf!”

Steve started to respond, but he was cut off as Bobbi London reappeared.

“Kenz! We’s all done mate!”

Both Kenzi and Steve’s mouths fell open as they saw Max walking past, her yellow rain slicker now soaked red with what looked like blood. Bobbi nodded.

“Fuckin’ ‘uge mate! I-”

“BELOVED! I’M BACK!”

Bobbi reached out and grabbed Maxine, ushering her towards the back door instead as they tried to avoid Sarah. Bobbi stopped as she swore under her breath and ran over to Kenzi.

“…almost forgot…”

Bobbi took out a huge spider and put it on Kenzi’s shoulder.

“…brilliant…”

Bobbi hustled out the back, taking her partner with her as Kenzi sat ramrod still with the color draining from her face.

“Sorry it took so long! You wouldn’t believe what I…OMG!!! YOU TWO ARE PLAYING!!! SO CUTE!!!”

Sarah clutched her hands to her chest as her eyes were bright with excitement. She reached out to pet it and it retreated back from her touch, backing into Kenzi’s mass of braids. The starlet seemed on the verge of passing out.

“LAEL! YOU GET OUT HERE RIGHT NOW!”

Sarah made a clicking noise with her tongue, but the spider scurried over to Kenzi’s other shoulder and nestled there. Sarah eyed the spider suspiciously and then Kenzi as she narrowed her red hued eyes.

“Well, I suppose you two are friends now! Probably been spoiling her day, haven’t you?”

Sarah gave the pair one more suspicious look then turned and walked out.

After a moment, Steve leaned it close to Kenzi and whispered.

“…are you okay…?”

Kenzi didn’t move as she sat completely still.

“…t-thank you for your t-time Steve…it w-was a pleasure…“