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B.O.B. D · (05-31-2019)

It was a beautiful, summer night in Cedar Rapids. There wasn't a cloud in the sky, and I had my windows open and air conditioning off. The air felt perfect as light breezes would occasionally blow in through the screen. After War Games, I felt I deserved a little break from training. My title match wasn't for another three weeks; and a little bit of R&R in the comfort of my own home would do wonders for my battered and beaten body.

So there I was, having just smoked a fatty, debating between watching some old WWE and TNA match to scout my Warfare opponent, or play the new XWF Warfare video game. It was quite a difficult decision for my stoned brain to make, as my bloodshot eyes glanced from my stand of wrestling DVDs to the XWF game case, back to the DVD stand.

"Video game, for sure," I stated aloud to myself, realizing I felt no threat from someone who couldn't even last in TNA.

Like a kid on Christmas, I eagerly opened the case, took the game out, and popped it into my PS4. As I sat there waiting for the game to boot up, I wondered what my rating in the game was. Though I had given consent to feature my likeness(even if that was by default from the XWF contract I signed) and did a commercial for it, this was my first time actually playing it. Made me feel like every other athlete who endorsed something just for the paycheck. Cha-CHING!!!!

Finally, the game was at the main menu and ready to be played. Quickly, I selected a one on one match, which then took me to the character select screen. I scrolled through the gigantic selection of wrestlers, from Lacklan and her gazillion outfits to Noah Jackson, who yells 'CUNT!' every time you land on him.

In addition to realistic characteristics for everybody, the ratings seemed pretty fair for the most part as well. They gave all of the current champions at the time of the game's release mid to high 90s, while also giving the Perfect Storm a mere 10; having the bare minimum in every stat column.

"I wonder if dead people still get royalty checks?" I asked myself while scrolling past the deceased duo.

After going through most of the roster, I finally got to myself. I was pretty pleased with my character model, everything about him looked exactly like me. He even exclaimed 'and that's the Cold, Big D Truth' when I landed on him. Everything seemed to be in check until my eyes made their way to my rating: 82 overall.

"What the fuck?!" I questioned, dropping my controller. Though the game did come out BEFORE War Games, the number I was staring at made no sense to me. Ned Kaye had a respectable 87 and he was just as new as me. Not to mention, I was a former Federweight AND Heavymetalweight Champion, and Ned hadn't held any gold yet.

"This is bullshit," I muttered as I selected my character.

The next step was selecting an opponent. It was tempting to choose Robert Main to make myself Universal Champion, but I wanted to wait on that. I decided it'd be a good idea to face Mr. Kennedy, as it'd be a little bit like preparing myself for our match. After going through every character three times, I realized Kennedy wasn't even IN the game.

"Well that's no good," I sighed, having hyped myself up to face my Warfare opponent. "I wonder what was the last game Mr. Kennedy was in?"

I knew it wasn't gonna be any recent WWE game nor was it TNA iMPACT(thank God, because I didn't want to play that hot mess, anyway). As I looked at Kennedy's Wikipedia page, I scrolled down to the 'Other Media' section and perused it.

"Behind Enemy Lines: Columbia," I joked. "Man, I didn't realize Ken was such a well accomplished actor!"

I read the rest of the section, cracking up at all the lame appearances he's made in things. Whether it was Tom Green Live! or the 2008 REPUBLICAN National Convention, it was all just one big joke of 'accomplishments.' At the end was the list of WWE games he had been in, the last one being Smackdown! vs RAW 2010.

"Holy crap," I said with astonishment. "I think I actually have that game!"

I made my way to one of the closets in my room and began to dig through an old tote. It held an assortment of various items I no longer used, from Magic cards to old video games I decided not to sell off for 3 cents to Gamestop. Sure enough, underneath a plethora of games I never expected to play again, I found the WWE game I was searching for.

"Now where did I put my PS3?"

After about half an hour of searching, taking a short break for a few more puffs, I found the system in a beat up box in the garage. I brought it inside and hooked it up to my TV, turning it on and inserting the game. As it loaded, I wondered if my character I made all those years ago was still saved.

After getting to the title screen, I pressed start and chose Singles Match. Sure enough, I found Big D on the character select screen, a way more realistic 97 overall. I chose him and then looked for Mr. Kennedy, who had an 84 overall.

"Seems a bit high," I stated with a head shake.

The wait for the entrances felt like a lifetime, making me realize how spoiled we are by technology nowadays. I bet XWF Warfare didn't have loading time, being so hardcore and all. Finally the game was ready and I made my entrance. Pretty generic, nothing too special. As with real life, I cared more about my actions inside the ring as opposed to on the way to it.

And then there was Kennedy's entrance. Oh my God. With his shitty theme song, which I never liked even as a fan, he waltzed his way to the ring like some kind of jackass.

"Pretty realistic," I muttered with a nod.

And then there was his gimmick: the guy who announces himself. I'd be lying if I didn't give him props for originality, but for all I knew he was given that idea by some guy in a suit. He started his usual bullshit about where he was from, how much he botches moves in the ring, and yadda yadda.

"Oooooops," I sarcastically exclaimed as I pressed the button to skip it.

The match had begun. It wasn't very easy to play, being such an old game, and I was getting my ass kicked. To be fair, games back then tended to be a little bit more unrealistic. He hit me with some punches and kicks, some very complex moves. Kennedy then showed he could pass basic wrestling training by hitting me with a Vertical Suplex and attempting a pinfall. I easily kicked out and attempted to reverse his simplistic moveset.

Despite getting used to the controls, Mr. Kennedy managed to get his special and could do his finisher. And sure enough, he whipped me over go the corner and made his attempt. Unlike in real life, my reversal skills for these games weren't the greatest and he succeeded. He ascended to the second rope, hoisting me onto his shoulders. Then he did a forward drive, slamming my body into the mat with his shoulders.

"The Green Bay Plunge," I stated, remembering back to those days. I then wondered if Green Bay Plunge was an expression for the Packers' playing nowadays.

I managed to make a comeback using my amazing and complex moveset. German Suplexes, Clotheslines that would take a person's head off, it all led to my comeback. Once I was able to do my special, I hit a perfect Dan Slam in the center of that virtual ring and pinned him for the 1, 2, 3.

"That's right," I said as I set the controller down. "Now THAT'S realistic."

I grabbed my bowl and took a few victory hits. As bad as it was to think, this was really all the training I needed. Me and the entire XWF roster could see right through Kennedy's pathetic attempt to revive his career. Joining Paul Heyman out of desperation he could become the next big thing. Well, unfortunately for him, his time came a long time ago and he never managed to live up to the hype. He was given the name Kennedy as homage to his boss's middle name and he put shame to that name. From McMahon, to John F the president or my former high school, this guy made them all wish for different names.

And now he expects to walk into Warfare against one of the Number 1 Contenders and make a statement? There's no way I can allow that to happen. I've worked too hard to allow some washed up has-been to spoil the run I'm currently on. Nobody takes me seriously enough as is. I'd NEVER live it down if I lost to a WWE reject, the guy who couldn't successfully cash in Money in the Bank, or even last in TNA.

John Whyte might run his mouth alot, but he was right when he said the level of com Smoking Bob gave him could've been better. When I saw Mr. Kennedy, it was hard not to wonder what Bob was thinking. He hasn't done anything of note here yet, and aside from a few brief moments of sunshine, it's been mostly rainy days for him since. And it's gonna continue to rain, as a match with Big D is no easy task. And now that I'm one win away from being Universal Champion, I'm not gonna let anyone stand in my way. Not Robert Main, and certainly not Mr. fuckin' Kennedy. And that ain't no story, it's the Cold Big D truth!

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