**voiceover**Ya know Doc, there was this one guy I kinda remember. Older dude, maybe he was my dad? I dunno. But I remember somethin' he told me, clear as day....**voiceover**

A trio of young men stumble out the back door of a dive into the alley just behind, chattering as the youthful and inebriated are wont do with a combination of shallow boasts and references to the untold amounts of pussy they plan to slay. The alley is windswept and dirty, the kind of place where the aroma of piss runoff from the gutters clings to your clothes like a desperate fat girl when you're on your way out the door to shag a skinner model.

Hey whazzat....uhhhhh, whazzat over there...?

His head's the shape of a mason jar and he's representing his football team, so let's go with Thad.

GUYS! GUYS! I think its a bum!

Thad's clearly the one in charge, and he makes his way over to a pile of refuse, prompting the two parasites (who are along for the ride to catch the strange he dubs a “7 or less”) to follow. Indeed, two sneakers barely held together with duct tape peek out the bottom of a yellowed newspaper. The bum is sleeping in the shadow of a rusting dumpster piled high with moldering cabbage. Smells great!

I'm gonna bum on this piss..*urp*..piss on this bum...

Thad's zipper zips and he assumes a wide stance in front of the sleeping bum. His lackey's look on nervously as the urine stream starts to flow.

**voiceover**He says to me, “Engy! It's always better to be pissed off than pissed on! **voiceover**

None of these lushes can possibly react in time to what happens next. Engy sputters as the piss starts to hit his face. Tossing aside the now quite moist newspaper he was using as blankets, he reaches out in a flash and earns a good solid grip on Thad's unit.

Weee willy winky!

Engy pulls hard, and an unholy tearing sound sobers the trio up real quick. Thad's boxers instantly go red as he stares down at the sputtering nub that used to be his penis. Engy holds Thad's junk up triumphantly, the cock still spraying whatever urine was left in the shaft. One of Thad's parasites vomits, the other pisses himself. Thad's trembling hands go to the oozing turtle head between his legs.

That's about the time when he screams.

PRESENT DAY

And that was the first time I ever pulled a guy's dick off.

Engy is laid out on a leather couch, grabbing liberally at the china dish full of M&M's on the table beside him. He loads another handful of candies into his face and has to sit up because he soon starts to choke.

Across from him, sits this guy.....




I mean, he's a psychiatrist alright? Everybody eventually has some kind of psychiatry promo. It's gotta be top 5 easily, right up there with “visiting dead parent's grave site” and “generic workout at the gym”. Helpfully, a name placard on his desk reads “Dr. Bennie”. And ok, maybe he looks a little odd...

So Engy, you think this man you referred to may have been your father?

He crosses one leg over the other, and a smarter man would have found it unusual that Dr. Bennie went straight to the daddy question and left “dick tearing homicidal assault” in the dust.

....maybe? I got a lot of memories all jumbled up in my head like. You ever see Jackass? The one where Steve-O goes in a port a potty and they flip it up with bungees and all the shit goes everywhere? My memories are the shit and the port a potty is my brains.

They should have sent a poet!

Yeah! But I have another memory of that guy too. I used to help him clear out his hoses.

Clear out his hoses?

He would tell me to close my eyes, put my mouth on the hose and start sucking. Eventually the gunk would come out. But I swear it always tasted like SEMEN!

Dr. Bennie draws in a breath and replaces the pen into the notebook on his lap.

Let me stop you right there Engy. My friend, I have interviewed many people during the course of my career, people with very difficult troubled lives. And I think yours just might take the cake.

I like cake.

Yes, but this cake is your life and it's very very sad.

Oh.

But, I would not have summoned you here if I didn't think I could help you.

Engy fishes around in his mouth for a gunk of chocolate that stuck behind his molars. He pulls it out and then promptly plunges back into his mouth.

That's another thing Doc. Usually most psychiatrists don't want to see me, but they haveta because a judge sent me or some shit. But you asked to see me. How come?

Well Engy, you're a very special case.

Like special?

No, no, no! Actual special. Engy, I have been the White House psychiatrist for almost 30 years now. I have counseled some of the most powerful men in the world, including Donald Trump!

I like Uncle Donald.

He's great for business. But I digress. The point I'm trying to make is that even out of all the interesting and important people I've met, you just might be the most important.

Engy's expression brightens. He spits chocolate wads onto the rug as he exclaims.

Really?!! Nobody's ever told me that before!

It's true. For a couple reasons in fact. I imagine you may never heard of a man named Carl Jung, but he was a very famous psychiatrist who had a lot of influential theories. One of his theories was that everyone has a shadow self, which is a collection of all the bad things that people don't want to acknowledge about themselves. A dark side, if you will. Kind of like the Dr. Jekyll's Mister Hyde. Does this make sense?

Engy looks pensive. A snot bubble pops in his nostril.

Uh, no. Not really.

Hmmmm...ok. Think of it this way then. A person's shadow is all the yucky stuff that's bad. The bad sexy thoughts. The bad violent thoughts. The bad greedy thoughts. All the stuff most people deny about themselves.

'Kay.

But YOU my friend are UNIQUE. Because you are nothing but shadow self! It's like someone turned you inside out and put all the most despicable aspects of human nature on the outside, front and center!

Engy's eyes narrow.

So you're sayin' I'm all bad stuff?

Precisely.

I think I'm gonna start hitting you now, and I don't know when I'm gonna stop.

The good doctor chuckles and throws his hands out defensively. He steps out of his seat and around the desk, oddly relaxed despite being threatened by a lunatic.

Relax, my boy! Just because I said you have all the bad stuff on the outside doesn't mean that that's a bad thing!

Dr. Bennie's lips creep up into a smile that's a tad off putting. At this angle, it's impossible to see his eyes through the red and blue custom shades, making him all the more inscrutable.

After all, it makes you a perfect avatar for Aiwass.

Engy practically leaps out of his seat, eyes going wide and body jerking in surprise as though struck by a bolt of lightning.

Wait, you know about Aiwass?!!

Indeed, I do!

Oh man, it's so great to meet somebody who doesn't think I'm crazy. Nobody believes me about this except Pinkie Pie. Madison thinks I'm making shit up. Wait, whats an avatar? Is that like those blue naked guys from that movie that fuck with plant dicks?

Focus, Engy, focus! Because what I'm about to tell you is vitally important. Yes, Aiwass is real, and only a select few on the entire planet know about it's existence. The fact that you have been able to simply intuit this without being initiated by another member of Muab'Dei is fascinating and to me, seems to suggest that you may have some sort of innate connection to Aiwass. Or perhaps, some secret knowledge lurking deep in the pits of your Id.

Yeah, I got none a that.

Dr. Bennie waves that notion away.

It's ok, it doesn't matter. What matters is that you, this marvelous beast, this hindbrain driven ENGINE of destruction, are the perfect example of what Aiwass stands for.

You mean mindless horrific violence?

Yes! Er, in a manner of speaking.

But your a doctor, aren't you supposed to want to help people?

Dr. Bennie sighs and sits down on the corner of his desk.

Oh, once upon a time. But when you've been a student of the human condition as long as I have, you start to realize that humanity is, well, rather overrated as a whole. What with all their petty fears, and ignorance, and selfishness. Humans really are blind, dumb, gibbering creatures, flailing around in the dark and perpetually keening for mother's teat like stupid infants. Honestly, it was Trump's election that did it for me. It's time for us to go.

Dr. Bennie takes out a small towel and begins polishing his glasses while issuing the death sentence for all of humanity.


So how do I start helping Aiwass? What do I do?

You're already off to a good start, hurting people in a micro level, furthering the Republican cause with Madison on a Macro level. But to really be useful, we need you to see things a bit....clearer.

The doctor reaches back into one of his desk drawers and pulls out an unlabeled prescription bottle. He tosses it to Engy. Engy snatches it out of the air greedily, considers the bottle, and then looks up.

Oh, I already take lotsa pills, doc. They don't do much.

Those aren't like the other pills you take. They are a hallucinogen, used for centuries by groups as varied as medieval cults to Native American tribes in search of the wisdom of the ages.

SWEET! I love drugs!

I think those will help you cut away some of the psychic static that's putting blinders on you. But you may want to start out in....

Engy unscrews the cap and downs half the bottle.

....moderation.

Engy tries to say “huh” through the mouthful of capsules, and only succeeds in spitting some out onto the floor.

Nevermind. I'm sure you'll be alright. So, this time next week? I'm keen to gauge your progress.

Engy runs a filthy sleeve across his mouth as he gulps the capsules down.

Sounds good to me! You're the best brain doctor I've ever had!

Later...

Engy seems to be in a public restroom somewhere. He's staring at himself in a mirror, grasping the edge of the sink before it with white knuckled abandon. His pupils are enormous black orbs swimming in the off white milkyness of his sclera. That's a science word. You can use that.

Hey there, ho there Chris-erino! The doc sure wasn't jokin' about these pills. Why, ol' Engy is seein' a whole new world. I think that was a Disney song. Anyhoo, this is the part where I talk some shit about you and I'll be honest, I ain't ever been good at words. But I'm thinkin' that maybe these magic beans in my belly are helpin' me out, 'cuz right now I'm noticin' shit about you I ain't ever noticed before.

Like, how you got really clean nails. Super clean, in fact. Like a lady's nails. And then I'm all like, what the fuck does that got to do with anythin'?

He holds up his own fingers in the mirror, revealing his own chipped and blackened nails. There might even be some fungus in there. Ugh.

But that's got everythin' to do with it Chris. Everythin' to do with what makes you different than me. Chris Chaos with that shiny long Pantene hair. Chris Chaos with those rugged good looks. Chris Chaos with that fancy ring gear. And fancy titles! AND PRETTY NAILS! And....

...and pretty girl....

Engy touches the tips of his dirty fingers to the mirror, leaving ashy streaks on the glass.

Yeah Kissy-Chrissy and those pretty nails. You don't get pretty nails livin' in the gutter like Engy does, no sirrreeee! You just get nasty, broke nails. But Chris Chaos don't care about none a that, not while he's lookin' down at Engy in the gutter, deep down in the muck. You think that makes you better than me Chris, but it don't make you better. It just makes you cleaner and softer.

Guys like you been takin' a piss on me my whole life. But a guy who mighta been my daddy once....oh, nevermind you already heard that shit. So let's fast forward to the part where I pull your pecker off. That's the fun part.

Engy leans in even closer to the mirror, glowering into it.

See, there's just one problem with bein' up outta the gutter and lookin' down. And that's that you can fall in. Or be dragged in. And that's what I reckon I'll do. Pull you down in with me, and then step on you as I get out. Press your face deep down in the filth as I do, make you drown in the shit. You ever had your face pressed in shit, pretty boy? You will....you will... And I don't think you'll be able to take hittin' the bottom that hard. But me? All's I know's the bottom. And anything beyond that's just sunshine and goddamn rainbows.

Yeahhhhh, I see lotsa stuff now with these magic beans. Lotsa stuff I want, world's explodin' now with things I can take.

Pretty giiiiirl....preeeeettyyyyyy giiiiiiiirlllll....

I've seen your girl up close Chris. Madison's getting' all friendly like with her, brought her around. Tried to get close but Madison hit me with a newspaper. That's fine, could still taste the air around her. The perfume. That give me jerkoff material for DAYS.

But I wanna touch her Chris. Touch her bottom. Touch her boobies. Touch her all over. I know you won't let me, but can ya stop me while you're chokin' on shit? I don't think so.

Do you think she can learn to love broken nails Chris? I mean, even when I come up outta the gutter the gutter never quite leaves ya I know Chris I KNOW!!!!

Engy suddenly explodes into a quick burst of rage, but he tamps it back down, biting his bottom lip till it bleeds a little.

Jenny, baby, I can change though. Kinda. Sorta. I can even wear some of that deodorant stuff. Your gonna need somebody after Chris chokes to death. A shoulder to cry on. I can be that shoulder baby, I can....

Engy's eyes suddenly go all thousand yard stare, plumbing the depths of the reflective glass like there's something lurking just behind it. His mouth moves but no words come out. Then, his teeth start to clench. His face goes red. The arms, still grappling the sink, start to shake.

Don't laugh....

Spittle falls out of the corner of his mouth, the onset of froth in a raging animal.

Stop....please stop....

His teeth are so tight together now they almost look as though they could shatter.

STOP FUCKIN' LAUGHING!

Suddenly, Engy lunges at the mirror, crashing the top of his skull into it, splintering it into hundreds of broken mirror Engy's. Blood blossoms on his scalp and rolls down the side of his head and onto his ears. He lets out a petulant whine, half cry of desperation, half mewl of impotent rage. He turns from the broken mirror, but you could swear...just for an instant, the barest snapshot in time...that something else turned away from the mirror after him. Something hiding just behind him. A stark absence in the folds of reality.

A demon God lost to time.

Or maybe you just need to lay off the hash. Whichever one makes you feel better.