The shot opens on Madison Dyson in bed. No pervs, it's not going to be one of THOSE promo's. She's fast asleep, the clock on her bedside table reads 3:32, the illumination of the digits providing just enough light so that we can read the label on the half spilled bottle of Valium next to it.

Slowly, Engy's face peeks over the mattress, mere inches from Madison's face.

**In a hissing whisper** Madison!

Madison smacks her lips, but otherwise does not respond. Engy leans in a little closer, this time hissing in a louder whisper.

Madison!!

Madison rolls over away from him, grunting.

No, I don't feel like going out on the boat today...where the fuck is my Chablis?

Engy makes a petulant little whine sound and leans in still closer.

MADISON!!!!

Madison rolls back over towards him, exclaiming nonsensically.

Whosafuckgettaouttahere!

Madison, I have the best news of all time!

Madison looks at Engy through half lidded eyes, her slack face outting the fact that Prince Valium is still very much all up in her shit.

Wh...why?

You know that John Holliday guy I'm facing at Warfare? Turns out he's like, some special sheriff guy. And guess what else?

Who...?

Okay, I'll tell you! HE FIGHTS DRACULA'S, MADISON! Dracula's are REAL! It's been my dream my whole fucking life to fight Dracula's and everyone always told me they were fake. But they're REAL! So I'm gonna go kill some Dracula's.

He produces a sharp splintered wooden stake.

And before you say anything, yes, I will be careful! I know Dracula's are super dangerous. So I found a partner who wants to help. But we're gonna take your car because he doesn't want to get Dracula blood all over his. So, I'll see you tomorrow. Byeeeeeee!

Yeah, hmmmmmm, ok.

Engy hustles out of Madison's bedroom. We hear a door shut. Followed by another door shutting further away. Madison sighs and lays her head back down on the pillow. A few more minutes pass, and we see the reflection of a car's headlights sweep through her bedroom window before vanishing.

Madison grumbles something and slides her hand under her pillow.

Any minute now.

OH FUCK!

There it is! Madison sits bolt upright in bed as the last five minutes suddenly click into place.

But it's too late, as Engy is already well on his way into his vampire killing adventure with....VICE PRESIDENT MIKE PENCE?

Hey Mr. Mike, what's a vice president do?

VP Mike Pence sits confidently behind the wheel of Madison's Lexus. He's dressed all in black, save for a golden crucifix hanging around his neck on a chain. The streetlights bounce off his shiny white hair as he cruises down the interstate.

Well, Engy, that depends. Different vice president's throughout history have chosen different roles. I mean sure, we all break tie votes in the senate and kiss babies and pet cute doggy's. But each VP usually cultivates there own niche, so to speak. My niche just so happens to be protecting America by secretly hunting down hordes of Godless undead on the side. Which is why I'm so happy you invited me out with you tonight!

Aw, thanks Mr. Mike! This is gonna be so cool! So what got you started fighting Dracula's?

That would have to be my deep and unwavering faith in God. Now mind you, my God isn't the God that most Christians follow nowadays. Why, most Christians nowadays believe in a tolerant and forgiving God. The kind of God that shrugs his shoulders in the face of vampires and perverted cross dressers in womens washrooms. And that's just not right. You see Engy, I believe in the God of the Old Testament. The God of jealous fury who strikes down nonbelievers with unrelenting global disasters and orders out the murder of babies.

That God sounds like Aiwass!

What's an Aiwass?

Oh, uh, something I'm not supposed to talk about.

Mike Pence shoots Engy an askew glance, but drops the subject.

Anyhow, how big is this coven we're walking into?

Definitely more than 10! I don't know how many more because I can't count higher than that, but I've been scouting them out for the last few days. They are Dracula's, no doubt about it!

Well then it's a good thing I brought plenty of Holy water! I think we're almost there. Gear up, friend!

A short time later, we see Engy and Mike Pence walking into what looks to be the student union of a local community college. At the center of the room are a bunch of people who look like this...



It's fat pasty nerds and twiggy nerds as far as the eye can see. Bedecked in goth “regalia” with the kind of vampire fangs you pick up at Halloween time for a couple bucks at Party City, they even include a hugely fat girl tugging around her anorexic boyfriend on a leash. I know you know what I'm talking about.

Engy comes barging into the room with a purpose, stabbing his finger in the direction of the Larpers.



Make it easy on yourselves and give up now!

The light of Christ compels you!

Mike Pence starts sloshing a vial of holy water on the confused dorks. Finally, one of the skinny ones who evidently put a steam punk spin on his vampire outfit by gluing gears all over himself in random places speaks up.

Are you guys, like, from that other group across town...?

Engy pulls his makeshift stake out of his belt and buries it in the poor bastard's shoulder. The Larpers shriek and scatter in response.

Oh my God Jesus! YOU JUST FUCKING STABBED ME!

Do not take the Lord's name in vain foul demon!

Mike Pence grabs hold of the fat girl's boyfriend chain, trying to hold them both in place as he douses them with Holy water. The guy who Engy stabbed sinks to his knees against a food kiosk, bleeding everywhere.

SOMEBODY CALL 911!

No one can save you now! Gimme that fuckin' stake so I can try again, I didn't get your heart!

Engy lunges for the stake and the Larper starts slapping at Engy. [/lime]

Goddammit you little fucker, hold still!

AHHHHHHHHH!

[b]The fat girl and her chained boyfriend finally pull free of Mike's grasp, causing him to topple ass over tea kettle into a table. They both run screaming out the door. Mike gets up, and starts to dust himself off.

Hey, uh, Engy, my Holy water didn't seem to have any effect on those vampires. Are you sure they're the real thing?

By this point Engy has pulled the bloody stake out of the Larper and had reared back to stab him again when Mike's query catches his attention.

You know, you may have a point. This one's not acting very Dracula-y.

Mike tugs on his shirt collar nervously. The stabbed Larper whines.

There's a, uh, chance we may have made a mistake here.

Engy throws the stake down angrily.

FUCK! I knew this had to be too good to be true!

Don't worry, I'll smooth this over with the campus police. Be back in a minute. Don't kill that guy while I'm gone.

Engy looks back at the stabbed Larper, disappointment etched on his features.

**Sigh** Fine.

Mike Pence leaves the student union. Engy rights a chair that had been knocked over in the scuffle and plants himself in it.

So here we are. Ol' Engy gets the chance to be somethin' special ripped away once again! John, ya don't know how good ya have it. Ya get a fancy badge. Get to talk to sexy Dracula ladies. Get to kill evil monsters and save the day. It's gotta make ya feel good about yourself, don't it John?

Ol' Engy never gets to feel good about himself. I hear how people talk about me. They're right though....they're right....

But I ain't SO stupid that I can't hear opportunity knockin'. And I do got lotsa spoons in lotsa pots. Me and Maddy won our first match in the tag tournament. Me and Chasm are number one McTenders to the Hart championship.

And the there's you and me John, and King of the Ring. Now I heard King of the Ring is a big deal. The kinda thing that makes a man feel all bigly inside when they win it. I want that feeling. And even though I think you're kinda cool, I'm willin' to twist your ball sack blue and pry your head skin from your skull to do it.

It ain't personal though! Really! I'm fightin' for somethin' bigger than all this. Pinkie Pie told me so. I gotta get good so I can help the Republicans bring Aiwass back so He can massacre all of humanity and make me king of the crying earth.

And holy fuck does he ever say all that with complete seriousness.

You ever been a king before? It's probably pretty awesome. I wonder if I'll get a crown when I win the tournament AND at the end of days. Two crowns! SWEET! I'll stack 'em like a McDouble.

Is an ambulance coming? Jesus, this stick had a lot of splinters....I really don't want to get an infection....

Engy wheels around and screams at him.

FUCK YOU! BLEED QUIETER!

The larper is cowed into silence.

Mike Pence pops his head through the door and calls out to Engy.

Just talked to campus security, we're all set. Turns out they weren't even students.

Pence flashes Engy a thumbs up and Engy returns the gesture.

Thanks Mr. Mike, you're the best!

Engy returns his attention to the camera.

So John I guess I'll see ya next week buddy. And sorry about your scrotum in advance.

Fin.