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Neville Sinclair · (06-24-2017)

The camera zooms on an external shot of Neville’s mansion as Carl Maria von Weber’s “Invitation to the Dance” plays. A bright yellow graphic comes on the screen reading:

“Neville’s Question Time”

We enter Neville’s study and see him once again enjoying his Scotch. This time a 12 year old Springbank sits proudly on his desk, he knocks a shot back and smiles at the camera.

I see you’ve come for the question and answer time I offered the last time I spoke with you. I know I had said I wanted to do it on Tuesday, but the truth is, I had at least expected to hear from one more of my opponents by then. If their skill level is as half ass as their aggression towards opponents, I expect an easy win on Saturday night. I’ve been spending time, trying to get to know these assholes, and they don’t have time to try to call me out.

Neville points to a giant whiteboard with three pictures on it, all his opponents on Saturday night. Beside each is written extensive notes with strengths, weaknesses and things to know. There’s lists beside each of them with previous match information. It’s very clear the opponents have been studied well.

So I sit here today, with two days left, getting ready for what I know will be an important match in my career. This will be a memorable one. But I feel like I still want the XWF to get to know me better, you see, I plan on being here for awhile. I’m not here to play nice and make friends, I’ve come to single handedly dismantle this wrestling federation and show you all what a little hard work and brains can do. I’ve come to be a kind of deconstructive Mary Poppins, you don’t know how long I’m staying, but I can assure you I plan on shaking the XWF out of their meaningless, pitiful ways. I’m the medicine this wrestling federation needs. So to get to know me better I’ve decided to do a Q&A today. Some people have very graciously sent me some questions and I’ll happily answer all of them for you.

Neville ushers over his butler, and friend, Hugh who holds a number of printed papers in his hand.

Would you like me to begin sir?

Absolutely

Hugh puts on a pair of Burberry glasses and opens the first letter

This one comes from Richard Bickler in London. It reads…

Dear Neville,
Congratulations on your new involvement in XWF. I look forward to seeing what you can bring and how you intend on “educating” the federation. What is your impression on where the federation is at right now and how do you intend to fix it?
- Richard

There’s a smirk on Hugh’s face as he reads the letter, as if he already knows the answer Neville is going to give. Neville smirks back upon seeing it and prepares his answer to the question.

I’d say that’s a great question Richard, but it’s one of the standard ones I’ve prepared an answer for. In fact, I’ve rehearsed about ten different answers heading into tonight and my guess is all three will prove to be among them. Where do things stand in the XWF right now? If I could describe it in a word, it would be… sloppy. Watching the preparation for this week’s matches, I realize we’ve just come off of a pay-per-view weekend, but people just seem to be half-assing things. I also think much of the content revolves around shock treatment on the audience. Half these slobs seem sex-obsessed and the other half seem to think they have magical superpowers upon which they can draw on. But this is exactly why I’ve come. What most people don’t realize is that in the best matches, both members involve need to give everything they have. Even in a losing effort, the match still requires both people to give all they have in order to give something to everyone else watching. The matches that don’t have duel efforts are called “squash matches” and they’re hardly ever memorable.

I know most of you realize this, but I’ve come to XWF because I believe there’s the potential to have great matches with a number of people on this roster. I’m not here to have squash matches with anyone. I’m here to win, that’s no lie, but I plan on raising the bar of everyone here. And half the nonsense that goes on here I can’t wait to get a hold of, I plan on tearing them apart. This is what I plan to do, consider yourselves all on notice. That’s enough of this one, please bring the next one on.

Hugh readjusts his glasses and looks over the next letter as Neville takes another shot

I would like to point out before we read that this is another question we’ve rehearsed the answers for Mr. Sinclair.

Neville Smiles

Of course, keep reading Hugh.

Dear Neville,
How do you feel about your match coming up this next week? Do any of the opponents you’re facing make you nervous?
- Luis Ramiez, Encinitas, CA

Before I answer this question, let me walk over to the board and speak on each of those I’m facing.

First, let me answer the original questions Luis has asked. How do I feel? Great. Am I nervous? No. Thank you for the pointless and easy questions Luis. I really appreciated your letter.

Neville raises his glass in sarcastic admiration

But let me tell you why I feel confident and why there are no nerves involved. You see, it has to do with the opponents. They are all so beatable. It’s like XWF has put me on “Easy Mode” for my first week here and I get to show everyone what I’m made of. Two thirds of them don’t seem to give a rat’s ass what they’re doing, and the other seems like a poorly written character from an English soap. The only one who’s even bothered to answer the call so far puts forth an effort so bad I half expected the “Coronation Street” theme to play at the beginning of it. For those of you who don’t know what that is, look it up. Use the YouTube.

Neville points to the three pictures found on his board and grins

So let me teach you all a few things today. I really hope the three men in these pictures pay attention. I’ve thought of one lesson each of them need to learn this week. Will beating them take some effort? Hopefully. But let’s spend some time on each of you now.

The camera zooms in on Matty Courage's pic

Matty, I’m going to address you first because unlike the other two, it’s been nice to see you actually come out and try this week. I’m thrilled to get to face someone else in the UK because I think you’ll be the bar everyone will set me at. Actually talking about a bar might be appropriate after seeing what’s happened to you this weekend. Let me begin by showing you the lesson I have for you

Things are the way things are

I’ve had the pleasure of spending some time in Copenhagen with the great Lama Ole Nydahl. One of the things he’s taught me as I’ve spent weeks learning Buddhism with him is that we have to accept that things are they way they are. Why? Because we’re so powerless to change things, acceptance is much more beneficial to us. Why look at everything in the external world and despair when we can look inward and find peace? Matty this is something you need to know, and I hope you’ll let me explain why.

First, the disrespect you showed Guinness is ridiculous. Guinness tastes like cat’s piss? I had two questions after hearing that statement. First, how do you know what cat’s piss tastes like? Are you that Irish that you can confuse beer and animal urine? Second, have you drank any other kind of beer in your life? Of all the beers to compare that with, that might be the least appropriate one. Guinness has been around since 1725 and there are a hell of a lot of people that live off of it. So either you are a reactionary moron who simply hates the stuff because of some kind of daddy-issue like reaction to your own country, or you have terrible taste in things. I’m guessing the only reason you don’t like Guinness is because everyone else does and you spend your days clinging to the fact that you don’t want to be like everyone else. Your parents probably told you that you were special as a child and now you crave being “different” than everybody else. When something has been around for almost 300 years you can’t just dismiss it and say it’s terrible. Things are the way things are. Guinness isn’t bad because you say it is, and your career isn’t going anywhere just because you think it is. Many people will be looking to the two of us and wonder which one will go farther. In fact, I bet the roster is looking at the two of us and wondering who will win. You think you have a special niche, but at the end of the day, there’s nothing really exciting about you. You described your own presentation as an ordinary day in an Irish pub and the word “ordinary” is probably the best description of things. You see Matty, you may not like me, but I aim to have the staying power of Guinness. You can call me whatever names you’d like, and compare me with animal excretions all you want but I’ll bet good money I’m the one who goes farther than you ever will. Things are the way things are, a good pint of Guinness is a great glass of beer, and I will walk out of our matches victorious. Know that.

Neville picks up a can of Guinness handed to him by Hugh, he takes a sip and smiles.

Second, there’s something incredibly interesting about seeing your promo and trying to pick up on the homoerotic undertones going on. It’s hilarious that at any time of male affection in your presentation you feel the need to cover things up with a quick gay slur made between yourself and other men. It’s as if you’re so terrified of male affection, you try to compensate every single time it’s given. Matty, bro, you need to get away from this. Go back to the lesson I’m trying to teach you, things are the way things are. Male affection is a natural thing, it’s ok to have male friends, it’s ok to think they’re great. Connection isn’t an automatic precursor to homosexuality. I’m a bit concerned that if I ever even tried to offer a hand of friendship you’d think I was hitting on you. Why so squeamish? Either it’s a male maturity issue and you’re terrified of gay people or you’re doing a terrible job of covering up a secret about yourself. Grow up, stop reacting negatively to any kind of male attention and be a good human being in society. The thing is, you either need to accept it in yourself or others, but stop treating the issue with weakass slurs and misplaced affection. Kylo Ren… errr sorry, Kyren deserves better. Things are the way things are…

Neville smashes the can he’s just drank out of over the picture of Matty’s face, Guinness drips down as Neville takes a good look at everything written down on his section of the board

Finally, in accepting that “things are the way things are” I need to look at one of the things you’ve said. “Mother Theresa’s wizard’s sleeve of a fanny”.

Neville smirks and looks disapprovingly at the ground, trying to hold back laughter at the fact these ridiculous words have just come out of his mouth.

Mate, “things are the way things are” applies to the English Language as well. There are certain words that go together to form sentences that express something. This choice of words together meant nothing. Who in their right mind speaks like this? As Citizens of the UK, we have to hold ourselves proud to the fact that we should own the English language. We’re not the country the country that uses the word “Y’all” and the word “LOL” should never enter our vocabulary. You should know better than this Matty, and this isn’t the only example I can point out. It felt more like someone was reading a finished mad lib than they were speaking in English. I’ll leave this here, if you want to bring your “A-Game” and try to talk shit to a Doctorate level educated man, don’t say sentences that sound like they’ve been run through Google Translate eight or nine times ok? I look forward to our match Matty Courage.

Neville then looks at the picture of Drezdin, next to it sits a Canadian flag

Drezdin, I’ve been trying to figure things out about you, since you haven’t been kind enough to help me get to know you. While I might not know that much about you, I can tell you one things I really do know, so here’s your lesson

Nothing good ever comes from Saskatchewan

Neville smiles as he says this, knowing that everyone else already knows it’s true

Here’s the thing, I’ve actually spent some time in Saskatchewan. I wanted to go learn hockey fighting so I spent time training with WHL teams around the province. The scenery there was amazing, I was treated to empty fields, snow and more empty fields. How proud can you be coming from a province that boasts city names like Moose Jaw, Elbow, and Swift Current. It was like being in an entire province named by cavemen. So this leads me to ask you the honest question, can you really keep up with someone you know is smarter than you? I mean for many of us culture is a real thing. We can experience academic privilege, artistic expression and architectural mastery. Saskatchewan is a province full of people rushing to their televisions to watch re-runs of Corner Gas and calling sweaters “Bunny Hugs”. Pedigree is something that is important especially if you want to leave a legacy. You might be strong and have force, but I bet this entire roster can out-think you. Shit, a Russian-Saskatchewan mix trying to achieve anything in life is like trying to put a Chihuahua and a Pomeranian together and create a real dog. Pedigree Matters. Nothing good ever comes from Saskatchewan

Hugh laughs in the corner, Neville shoots him the look to shut up

So that brings me to last week and watching you try and win the TV title. You had a chance to bring some honor to Saskatchewan, you could have been the best since Roddy Piper who was so proud of his heritage that he claimed Scottish heritage for himself. Why? Because nothing good ever comes from Saskatchewan. You have a chance for legitimacy, a chance to achieve something great, and what happens? You were never in the match. You came, you wrestled and you got pushed aside by people clearly more talented than you. Here’s the thing Drezdin, Saskatchewan is the land of the wheat and flax, it’s one of the only provinces without a professional hockey team, and no one goes there for the scenery. It’s incredibly average in every way, just like you. You might be a physical speciman, but you couldn’t out-think an average farm animal, so you’re bound to a career of losing to better men who will come up and take everything from you. I’m happy I get to face you as I feel my first match is a pace-setting gesture, people will see that I clearly have the advantage over someone who is getting title shots and shitting the bed with all of them. Move aside Drezdin, nothing good ever comes from Saskatchewan.

The camera then zooms down to Brian Harris’ picture, there’s not a lot written about him.

This brings me to Brian Harris, the wrestler who’s as generic as his name. I watched five seconds of him and couldn’t tell if I was watching XWF or attitude era Undertaker. Right off the bat, I just want to say congratulations, at least you’re from a more interesting place in Canada than Drezdin. Which leads me to my next lesson:

Make yourself noticeable

Here’s the thing Brian, I look at your and your penchant for “trashtalking in people’s faces” and I think to myself great! The whole things sounds great! I mean you’re a trashtalking biker wearing leather with groomed facial hair and an outlaw’s attitude. I’m sure people love that, the gimmick sounds amazing! But then I watch how you do in matches, and that’s where everything falls apart. Listening to you speak is like hearing your name called at Starbucks, it’s noticeable the moment you want something but you’ll never remember it in a week. But I guess you’ll be more noticeable in your ring attire right? Oh wait, it’s leather and blue jeans, like thousands of other people every night?

Neville shakes his head and looks directly to the camera

You see, it shouldn’t surprise me you’re one of the wimps who doesn’t even have the courtesy of calling me out before a match. I doubt I would have even noticed if you had said something because there’s nothing about you that makes me want to notice you. The reason I left talking about you until last is because I feel that most people in this federation tune out when they hear your name. So allow me to help you with something and take what I’m trying to teach you. Make yourself noticeable. Do something that stands out. It’s not enough to trash talk and kick people’s asses in a wrestling federation. That’s what we’re all here to do. If that’s all you want to do, find somewhere that’s as obscure as you are and make a living being mediocre. But right now you’ve probably wasted enough breath and air by having me talk about you. Of the three men I face on Saturday you’re probably the least threatening to me so I’m done with it. I would actually be relieved if you prove me wrong on this because it would make our match better. Go ahead Brian, do something brave… I dare you.

Neville takes a deep breath in having known he’s talked for a long time.

Hugh, I’m almost done. I’ve talked too much, are there anymore letters?

Just one, sir.

Read it.

Dear Mr. Sinclair,
For such a genius, why’d you just learn to ride a bike now?
Sincerely, anonymous.

Neville grimaces in pain as the letter is read, the stupidity of it is almost too much for him to handle.

Did you not understand the flashback? I was 4, are you that simple?

Neville is clearly getting worked up, his face has turned red and he’s starting to pound the desk

… and another thing. Only an American would write something as stupid as that…

The camera slowly backs away from Neville, still ranting and the screen goes to black quickly.

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