It’s DeadPool and DeadShot!

“We’re going to be the most badass, most infamous tamale-touching-tagteam-tandem in XWF history! Together, DeadPool and Deadshot will work to rectify radical rectums, eliminate extremist emperors and massacre Muslamic maniacs: RRREEEMMM! R.E.M, Losing My Religion, Man in the Moon, I love those fucking songs.”

- BuronanDeadPool

Recently inspired by the vapid comments of Hero XTreme 7.9’s moronic invisible manager, Buronan has become thoroughly convinced that he is indeed DeadPool; and not in a facetious way. While the correlations are stunningly limited, Buronan was kind of getting off on this idea of being a super hero, or super anti-hero, or whatever.

Buronan pondered:

“Isn’t DeadPool immortal or some shit?”

He then concluded:

“I’d sure like to be immortal. The thought of dying really scares me.”

Then he got all unnecessarily deep into thought:

“I’ve always had this elementary existentialism where from a very young age I almost examined life from outside of myself and became obsessed with the idea of death and being able to control death. It was sobering and depressing and made for a very difficult go at enjoying my childhood.

I began critiquing everything…”

You’ll maybe want to take this time to go have a smoke, or grab some snacks, maybe even go take a big healthy dump in the outhouse:

"I would second guess steps and reactions to certain events: What if I had taken that step out on the boulevard a second too soon and got struck by that car? What if that time on the playground as a kindergartener I kept egging on that eighth grader, who was pushing me in the swing to push me higher, if I had fallen out onto my neck instead of landing safely on my back?
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What if it had been me, instead of my mother who got cancer?

I can still recall that day when I knew she was gone; and she hadn’t even left yet. It was when the letters from Mohammad Ali had stopped. Mohammad Ali was the handle I’d given to my stuffed Corduroy Bear, obviously inspired by the real life fighter who I had met a summer or two before my mother got sick. I loved him- he had this gargantuan aroma of bravery that just swelled around everything. Even sitting there in that restaurant, shaking like an iron-deficient child in a blizzard, he was eager to meet me and give me a hug and he told me:"

“Y-y-y-y-you c-c-a-can fa-FHA-fsss” [pause for dramatic jaw swinging slobber and drool splatter] “FIGHT! Y-y-y-your w-w-ay t-t-hr-o-ug-throguh anything!”

"…and I never forgot that.

So after I had named my bear after him, my Mother told me that if I would write to Ali the bear, that he might just write back. To my surprise he did! In fact he wrote me every week and I would get the letter in the mail every Saturday; the hand writing was even accurately sloppy!

But just weeks before Mother had left me and the aunts and uncles started showing up around our apartment more regularly, the letters from Ali stopped coming. I already knew, and I was maybe eight? I knew that Mohammad Ali wasn’t real and I knew that I was never going to get a letter from him again…

Okay narrator, I'm done for now."

Hold on...

"What are you doing?"

Just wiping away a few of the tears is all; that was some gut wrenching stuff, kid.

Okay back to where we were: through awakening previously suppressed feelings of insecurity, Buronan had decided to become full immersed in this fantasy that he was an immortal superhero by the name of DeadPool and with the events on the horizon he knew that he would need he future tag partner in the Lethal Lottery, Trax, to buy into to this idea as well…

DeadPool: HOLD ON BLACK-GUY! I CAN'T HEAR YOU! SCHEMIN SHAUN SPICER OVER HERE IS TRYING TO DILUTE ME WITH ALTERNATIVE FACTS ON GOD!

Buronan takes a phone call from Trax mid interview with Steven L. Sayors and steps out into the hallway,

Trax: Why the hell are you shouting!? Listen Lane gave me your number...I wanted to speak to you about our tag team match against GG and Hero Xtreme, but now I have other matters to discuss, I know about your reputation, you're some sort of vigilante? Well so am I, kinda, well listen, us vigilantes stick together right? I need your help with something what do you say?

DeadPool: We’re going to be the most badass, most infamous tamale-touching-tagteam-tandem in XWF history! Together, DeadPool and Deadshot will work to rectify radical rectums, eliminate extremist emperors and massacre Muslamic maniacs: RRREEEMMM! R.E.M, Losing My Religion, Man in the Moon, I love those fucking songs.

Trax: ...what the FUCK did you just say? Listen man this is some serious shit, are you willing to listen to me or not? I want to talk in person of that's possible in a secluded area, my estate? The address is [ CENSORED SO GAMER GIRL CAN'T STALK LIKE THE SECRET FAN GIRL SHE IS] can I expect to see you?

DeadPool:Oh, you bet your black ass you can... but I'm going to need to expect to see something in return.

Trax: The fuck did you just...ugh...whatever... what is it you want Mr. Buronan?

DeadPool: It is most important for us vigilantes to remain vigilante, that means we must conceal our identity. Did you listen to one of the dozen shit spewing promos by Hero XTreme's manager? He thought I was DeadPool, so you know what? I'm going to be DeadPool...But you, I need you to be committed to this lifestyle as well. So me, being a generalizing fuckwad, I figured that you could be a super awesome, super angry black guy from the comic book world too. I want you to be...













DEADSHOT!!!!!!!

Trax: In all honesty I pretty much skipped all the promos by NOCMM except for the ones that had my name in the transcript titles, no way would I force myself to watch ALL of those bullshit promos but no I was not aware of that, but you want me to what? Be Deadshot? This isn't the world of make belief Mr. Buronan, you know how Hero Xtreme makes up all his fake accolades, how am I supposed to BE a fictional character?

DeadPool: Oh, don’t you worry about that, DeadShot. I’ve got all of that covered… I’ll meet you at your kickass secret hideout shortly!

DeadShot: You mean my estate? Just what in the fuck are you planning anyway?

DeadPool hangs up the phone quickly lets out a loud fart, and in a very Rock-esque fashion, he slowly rotates his head into the air, closing his eyes and breathing deeply through his nostrils. He then looks down to notice the ever randomly realizable XWF camera crew filming him:

OH! Hello again! DeadPool/totally not Buronan here, about ready to embark on an awesome adventure with my new sidekick DeadShot/totally not Mr. F’n Dominance Trax. Ya’ know I’m finding my thus far short stint here in the XWF to be a most interesting one indeed. In just a few short days, the advocate of God has spoken to me and helped redirect my life in the appropriate direction; it’s amazing how religion works so well for people.

Necrophilia Obsessed Cocksucking Menstruation Masturbator, or NOCMM for short, has pointed out to the world that I was nothing more than a DeadPool knock off; he even doubled down on this idea by saying that it wasn’t my masked persona that brought him to this conclusion but that it was the action taking place in my vignette.

Clearly, just like the film DeadPool starring: the guy who bangs the chick from The Shallows, I was shown being a petty criminal, who inadvertently falls head over heels for a sexy anarchy type chick and begins leaning toward giving up the life of crime all together. Later on I am diagnosed with an incurable cancer and am about to die, but I don’t want my hot woman to see me die so I wander off into obscurity to die alone. But fate then smiles upon my grim outcome and I am given a chance to be fully healed, but the guy who heals me ends up being a corrupt piece of shit who wants to use me to do bad things for him and after pumping me full of his radiation/magic bullshit he burns my body and I end up looking like Fred Kruger. So I now have these badass powers where I can kick everyone’s ass and slow down time to the tune of Juice Newton’s: Angel of the Morning and do Matrix type shit and kill people.

CLEARLY, ">every single second of that happened in my first promo, which is EXACTLY why Cocksucking Menstruation Masturbator helped bring me to the conclusion that I am in fact, the one, the only, DeadPool... and now I'm going to kill God.

That's right you invisible spirit of Paul Heyman alt-right zionist fuck, I, DeadPool, am going to beat Hero XTreme so badly that George fucking Carlin is going to enter the pearly gates and spread communism in Heaven. You see God's going to get beat, and I'm going to flip my red-gloved middle fingers all around the arena just to make sure I did in fact flip your ass off as well. If I could see you, I'd just kill you too once I'm done with your client, but you're a pussy, or a ghost, or a pussy ghost or whatever.

Who cares? None of this matters, you can drop twenty six promos and they'll all be as terrible if not worse than the one before it... I'd rather listen to Fall Out Boy and All American Rejects at the same time then to have to hear your anal spewage again. See you think your clever because these little "war of words" you invoke with my partner, DeadShot somehow make him look stupid and you smarter- when in fact you're nothing more than a boring, lazy fuck who's wasting everyone's time. Hell, my partner could be dumber than that Baby Ruth eating mongoloid creature from The Goonies and his shit would still be more interesting than yours.

You suck so hard, and you've got God so unprepared for this match that he's going to have to depend on a fucking video game character to bail his ass out of the slaughtering he'll be receiving from the hands of yours truly. FUCK! I've killed ninety-seven-ish people in my life and I thought I was doing something; your client kills around 150k daily! AND HE'S STILL GOING TO GET HIS ASS BEAT!

And as for your partner? Well she better keep her ass in Super Mario World if she know's what's good for her, because you, being the comic book guru you've proven to be, you should know just how deadly a DeadPool and DeadShot combo will be. We both have the prefix "Dead" in our fucking names, so naturally you're both totally fucked.

Any-who, like I stated earlier, I really have to get going on my super awesome adventure with my new sidekick, DeadShot... So I'll be seeing soon buddy! Or actually, I wont... because you're invisible. Whatever, because your invisibility powers are moot unless you're snapping nudes of Hillary Clinton. BYE!

Buronan DeadPool frolics off down the hallway whistling Angel of the Morning as the scene fades.

ooc: Trax Dialogue written by Trax