The camera fades in on Vincent Lane looking stately behind his expensive mahogany desk, shuffling some papers.

He clears his throat, adjusts the double Windsor of his flamboyant hot pink tie, and then addresses the XWF Galaxy.


Ladies and gentlemen, we have been forced to make a late change to the Heavymetalweight Championship match coming up on Savage Saturday Night.

Due to failing, just, SO many drug tests over the last few weeks, Jamaican Jimmy has been pulled from the event and suspended from in ring action for 30 days while he attends a wellness facility in Topanga, California.

Now, I know this shakes up the title match, but fear not! We have recently signed a hot free agent to fill that void... Tonya "Thumper" Gibbon will be taking Jimmy's spot!

Good luck, Thumper!

And Jimmy, I'm fining the shit out of you.

Goodnight!


The scene fades.

WOT??

You can't be sayin' me dat, mon! I been pissin' clean as a whistle e'er since I started chuggin EZ-Clean. Ain't no one caught me ridin' dirty, mon!

Dis ain't no more den racial profilin' and discrimination! This be racist, mon! Just because a black mon 'ad a chance to make de country of Jamaica proud, you want to step in an' oppress him!

Well I ain't standin' for it, mon! I ain't goin' to sit idly by while you be walkin' all over me human rights!

VINCENT LANE IS A RACIST!

Jimmy... jesus, how did you even get in here? Dude, you REEK of weed right now.

And holy shit, dude, you've got a joint in your mouth RIGHT FUCKING NOW! How are you going to stand there and call me racist when every competitor in XWF is subject to the same random drug testing as you? You failed FOUR TIMES, Jimmy. And you knew for three days prior to each test!

I'm not a racist, dude.

Officers, please escort Jimmy from my office.


Vincent says the last bit while holding down an intercom button on his desk. The room fills with off-duty police officers from Tulsa, Ferguson, and Charlotte.


Come with us, sir.

DON'T SHOOT! I be unarmed, mon!

The cops just mill around Jimmy and look at him funny.

Does... does he know he's a white guy?

I don't think so.

Sir, can you please come along quietly?

Jimmy throws himself on the floor in the fetal position, rocking back and forth.


DIS BE A PROTEST, MON!

I ain't movin' from right 'ere in dis office until I be gettin'... WHAT DE FUCK??!?! Where did me 10,000 xbux go???? Dis is a travesty, mon!

The cops sigh and look at each other, then gently poke at Jimmy.

Sir, please.

Just then, a black janitor walks into the office holding a broom.


GUN!


GUN!


GUN!



DROP IT! DROP THE WEAPON!!!


Huh?



BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM

Z is here to represent Mista Jimmy. He is high on only Loa dust. Him roots make de dust act as if it is marijuana. Loa Dust is perfectly legal by all standards and practices.

Z LIVES

That's not possible, Z.

What the... are those chicken bones? Are you putting chicken bones on my desk right now? Dude!

Anyway, look, Loa Dust is a barbiturate, unlike Jimmy's mother, who is a bar bitch I ate.

Jimmy tested positive for weed, and the tester even told me he was smoking a blunt DURING the test. What the fuck, Jimmy.

Since when did y'all get so strict on drugs? I was higher than a kite erry night in the ring

Ain't nobody goin' ta do nuttin' about dis dead mon over 'ere???

Now, in the Jamaican pothead's defense, everyone here does drugs. I believe Joy and I are the only Straight Edge people currently in this company. That's why I'm so much better than everyone here!


Plus, you are suspending a guy for a marijuana violation, while you have rapists and murderers running rampant all over this company. What is this the NFL?

OIL CHANGES FOR EVERYONE!

Look dude I don't make the rules when it comes to USADA.

I've been known to ski down nose mountain from time to time too, but this is a publicly traded company! We have Japanese investors breathing down my neck at every stockholder meeting!

In modern America, smoking weed is literally the worst thing someone can do.