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John Austin · (09-13-2013)

What does Lynyrd Skynyrd, the South, Jack Daniels and poorly spoken English have in common? They all are traits of one Kale Hartmann. Nah I kid, we really don't know much about Kale but that doesn't stop Austin from talking a whole bunch of shit about the kid.

We open up with a Hollywood style setting. We see a mountain range far off in the distance. The sun shines down bright as the breeze blows through the air. The palm trees' leaves glow rightfully in camera range. John Austin walks into camera view looking somewhat confused. We see him staring off behind the camera, quite possibly to the camera man.

Matt? Where are we?

We are in down-town LA John.

Really? well with my fourth grade edumacation, I could have sworn we were at somewhere preety.

John begins to laugh as to say "what the fuck?" ya know? John regains his composure and looks back into the camera

Hello everyone out there in TV land, this Mr. two two six two four and I am invading your screens yet again. See I hope you all liked my impression of Kale Hartmann. I thought I grace you with a little bit of comedy before we get down to brass tax. I am here in beautiful downtown Los Angeles, California and I know all you motherfuckers out there must be thinking..."Why is your crazy ass in LA, John?" well it's quite simple really. I wanted to show the world what is different about Kale Hartmann and me, John Austin. Now I too am from the South, born and raised. But comparing Kale to me, is like comparing Brian Scalabrine to Lebron James. There is just no comparison.

Los Angeles represents me Kale. This fair city as had it's moments of disappointment but they rose above it. They proved to the United States that yeah we may fall on our ass but we don't complain, we get right back up and keep fighting till the end and that's me Kale. I have had matches against the likes of Luca Arzegotti, Crimson Dong, Juan Madison and I have lost. Have you heard me crying and complaining? no you have not. I got right back up and kept fighting on. You have had roughly one match so far here in XWF where as I have had over nine-teen. Let's face it, I have more experience in this company than you do and I know how to get the job done. When you loose this Monday and you will, I can already hear you bitching and moaning about how it was unfair and all that jazz.

What else is there Kale? hmmm..*John scratches his head* ...Oh yeah, you like to ride horses and I am built like one, if you know what I mean *Laughs perverted like* ...You drink that cheap swill you call liquor while I drink only the best money can by. All I am getting at ladies and germs is that Kale Hartmann does not equal up to John Austin. Hell Kale can't even add two plus two let alone beat me in the ring and that is telling you something.

Austin motions something to Matt from behind the camera and we see a brown paper bag come into view. John sits it down and reaches into the bag. He pulls up a roll of toilet paper into camera view

Okay Kale, if you were watching last week, you would have seen my lesson on soap. This week, I am going to give you a double dose of life lessons. See what I have in my hand, this is toilet paper. You see, when I am down in your neck of the woods, doing what I do best, I have to smell all these terrible inbreds in every arena that I am in. I too am also to believe that you Kale smell horrible as well. So what you do with this is two things really. Every-time you have to go the restroom, when you are finished doing what you have to do. You take off a piece of this and clean the areas that need to be cleaned.

Also, every-time I shake the hands of your redneck fans, I have to feel your sweaty and disgusting palms. Do me a favor Kale and those watching, anytime you want to shake my hand, please wipe your hands down with a piece of this before shaking my hand.

John throws the toilet paper off to the side and reaches back down into the bag and pulls out a toothbrush and toothpaste. He holds them up into camera view as like he is promoting them for a commercial

My last lesson for you today Kale is these two IMPORTANT! items. This is a toothbrush and toothpaste. I don't know how many times I have been further south and smelled the foul breath of all you like Kale. See what you do is you squirt a little bit of the paste on the brush. Then you take the brush and put it under running cold water and then place the brush in your mouth and move it all around to get those three teeth cleaned. Do me a favor Kale, use this before you face me. I don't want a chance of your breath knocking me out cold and you picking up the victory

John throws the two items off to the side. He reaches into his shirt pocket and pulls out his shades. He places his dark, aviator shades across his eyes and looks back into the camera

Well there you have it Kale, you know how to use soap, use toilet paper and you know how to brush whatever toofies you have in your mouth. I hope you take these lessons with heart and a open mind because after I whip your ass on Monday, it will be back to the unemployment line for you cowboy and when you go to these job interviews, they want you to be presentable as you can. Why not put this on your resume of qualifications.."I know how to take a serious ass whipping from John Austin"...See you Monday.

John walks off as our camera fades off in the sunset

Threaded Mode \| Linear Mode Kale Hartmann (RP 2)
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