Continued from: IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT EMPIRE IS STRIKING BACK
When we last left our heroes, YKW and Captain Future had entered into an agreement with Elon Musk… in exchange for CF using his Future Sight to determine how humanity will invent time travel in the future, Elon will let them use the time machine he will subsequently invent using the secret to time travel so YKW can go back in time and stop Blade, Landerson and the Hixx sisters from murdering his tag-team partners.
Also, Sir Lionel is there.
Captain Future, appearing to be a spectral apparition, presses his space fingers into his space temples, focusing with all of his might on looking into the Future.
”Hmmm… somewhere around here must be the man on the cusp of inventing time travel…”
WRENCH SOUNDS! Some mysterious figure is hard at work, wrenching pipes into place.
”That’s it! I’ve done it!”
The man toiling throws his wrench away… Revealing he’s…
A SIXTY-YEAR OLD RIPPED “CAVORTIN’” JAKE BORDEN!
With the Universal title over his shoulder!
”It took over four decades, but I’ve become the Universal champion… discovered the secret to time travel that was lost when my dear friend, Dr. Nikola Smacksya, lost the post-it note he wrote the secret to time travel on…”
Jake smiles.
”And I completed speech therapy!”
Jake rubs his hands together.
”Now, I can go BACK to the 1970s and give all my secrets to the young, fresh-faced, 17-year-old me, so then he can travel to 2025 and sub in for WarGames and pin Kieran King… THEN, I can have become the Universal champion MUCH faster and without needing the roster thinned by multiple zombie apocalypses!”
Future strokes his space chin thoughtfully.
”This is it! This is the exact moment this Borden fellow is about to share the secret of time travel!”
Jake hits the button on his time travel device… And disappears into a portal… back to 2025!
Captain Future goes to enter the portal after him…
…But bounces off!
His eyes widen!
”Space what the?!?”
He tries again… It’s like there’s a forcefield preventing him from going to the…
…Past.
”...Oh fuck.”
ZWIP! Future releases Grok’s wires… His body jolts and sputters as the electricity courses through his veins!
Elon and YKW quickly approach him.
”He’s seizing… Get him something to level him out!”
Elon immediately hands over another bottle of space ketamine.
Future downs it in one gulp.
”Phew… much better…”
YKW steps forward.
”Well? Did you figure out the secret to time travel?”
Future sighs.
”Unfortunately, Jake Borden, the man who discovers the secret to time travel, goes back to tell his younger self in the past! And I can’t see into the past!”
…YKW squints.
”...I’m still so fascinated by your powers. So, you can’t see into the future if someone from the future goes into the past!”
”Obviously not! Because that happened in the past! AND I CAN’T SEE THE PAST! Look, ask me who George Washington is.”
”...Who is George Washington?”
”...I dunno? Some space hooker? Must be from the past where I CAN’T SEE!”
”...But if you don’t know who George Washington is, how did you know to ask who George Washington is to prove you don’t know who George Washington is.”
Future raises his shirt, revealing across his chest, he wrote ‘PROVE YOU CAN’T SEE THE PAST BY TELLING PEOPLE TO ASK YOU WHO GEORGE WASHINGTON IS’...
”Because I wrote it on my chest like in the movie Memento!”
”But you DO remember the movie Memento.”
”Because I’ll watch it in the FUTURE! ”
”But can’t you just learn who George Washington is in the future so you remember it now?”
”I DON’T HAVE TIME! I’LL BE TOO BUSY WATCHING MEMENTO!”
”Gentlemen! Gentleman!” Elon raises his hands between YKW and CF.
”Here’s what we know… Future Jake Borden is heading to the 1970s to meet past Jake Borden and tell him the secret to time travel.”
Elon raises his keys.
”And I, as 1/3rd owner of the XWF, have a key that opens Jake Borden’s time locker back to the 1970s…”
YKW gasps in recognition!
”Brilliant! …Except… Future Jake is going back to the 1970s to only tell his past self the secret.”
”He’s also very ripped.”
”Hmm, so we can’t possibly beat the secret out of him. If only we could find someone to play the part of Jake Borden so convincingly that Future Jake would give that person the secret.”
…From behind the group…
Sir Lionel steps forward.
”Gentlemen. I…” Pennyfarthing clears his throat.
”I…...I b-b-believe I c-c-can be your J-J-J…er, I’ll be B-B-Borden!”
Jake is warming up in front of his time locker.
”G-G-Gosh! I’ve n-n-never competed in W-W-WarGames before! I s-s-sure hope e-e-everyone’s s-s-sportsmaaaa… s-s-sportsmanli… er, about fair c-c-competition!”
Jake closes his locker.
WHAM! Grok fist to the skull!
Sir Lionel, with a feathered mullet hairdo… creeps out from behind the locker, picks up Jake’s unconscious body and stuffs Jake into it…
That moment, Future Jake steps through a time portal!
”Jake! I’m here to give you the secret to time travel, wrestling, and not stuttering!”
Lionel spins around.
”O-o-oh b-b-boy!”
…Future Jake scratches his head.
”...I knew I wasn’t in the best shape back then but…” FJ shakes his head.
”Never mind. Listen up, me! First, the secret to time travel!”
”Anyway…” Lionel references the notes he wrote….
”The secret to not stuttering is believing in yourself… The secret to becoming the Universal champion is believing in yourself… And the secret to time travel is [REDACTED].”
Elon’s eyes widen.
”Of course! [REDACTED]! It’s so obvious! I’ll have a working time machine prototype in MINUTES!”
”Which means… I can change the past! And save my partners!”
”Wonderful! This calls for MORE KETAMINE!”
To Be Concluded…
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