"Cavortin'" Jake Borden
Active in XWF
XWF FanBase:
Singles,
(Physically attractive male on every level; can seduce you; that disarming smile; those bedroom eyes.)
(Where is my roster page?)
Joined: Mon Sep 23 2024
Posts: 10
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01-20-2025, 08:25 PM
”Folks, I’m with Jake Borden, fresh off battling Scoops McGee!”
”...Yip.”
”Last Anarchy, you…”
”Called Scoops ZERO…”
”W-w-well, actu-er…!”
”Told your valet to call Scoops’ MOTHER!”
”A-a-bout th-”
”THEN… you barbed-wire-BACKHANDED Scoops McGee, WRESTLING ICON!”
”...Gr-gr-gracious! I-I-I’m s-s-so s-sor-”
”Jake!”
…
”Ah-MAZING!”
Whap! Borden almost goes sprawling from Rose’s hearty backslap.
”Every XWF interviewer thought you were dull-as-dishwater! GRIT-LESS!”
”Now? We see the TRUE Jake Borden! VILLAIN!”
Rose leans closer.
”Truthfully, Jake? I end up interviewing you because no-one else wants to… This time? I DEMANDED you!”
“Sayors offered to trade interviewing you-for-Hixx? I SPAT IN HIS FACE!”
“I EARNED THIS! Interviewing the new, ‘DASTARDLY’ Jake Borden!”
…
”…Er…uh…Y’see…”
…
”S-S-S’cuzeme…”
Jake dashes off-screen.
”D-D-Dave! They th-th-think I’m a V-V-Villain!”
Jake holds a rotary phone, cord-stretching through his locker’s time-portal.
”Well, you *did* get raunchy last Anarchy!”
”M-m-me?!? I-I-I toldja to c-c-call the m-m-match off!”
”And, because I didn’t, you won! Your poor penmanship pays off!”
”D-D-Dave! Y-y-you gotta e-e-explain th-this m-m-misunderstanding!”
”…Look, I’d LOVE to, Jake… But, the bank’s slammed!”
Dave holds an 80s cellular… Standing beside a crick, skipping stones.
”D-D-Dave! I n-n-need you t-“
”YOU need to REFRAME! This is EXCITING!”
”H-h-howdyafigure?”
”Think, Jake! What’s your dream as a wrestler?”
”M-m-making my M-M-MeeMaw proud!”
”…Okay, villains don’t say that. Villains wear cool sunglasses! They ZING their opponents!”
”M-M-MeeMaw always s-s-said, if y-y-you got nothin’ n-n-nice to z-z-zing, don’t z-z-zing anyone at a-a-all!”
”And villains DON’T quote their MeeMaws! Jake, everybody likes you villainous! You’re almost #1 contender!”
”Everyone wants to meet the BADASS VILLAIN you’re hiding.”
”B-b-but, I’m not h-h-hiding a b-b-badass villain!”
”Not anymore, you badass villain!”
…Jake scratches his head.
…Before reaching into his time-portal.
A hand reaches outta one locker, into another…
Retrieving…
WRAPAROUND SUN-GLASSES.
Borden snatches the mic.
”Whoa!”
”I’m wr-wr-wrasslin’ Atara Raven.”
“R-R-Raven? More like CR-CR-CROW, the way she screeches!”
”Nefarious!”
”I-I-I’ve already b-b-beat Atty One-on-o-o-o-one! And I-I’ll d-d-o it a-a-again! B-b-becau-”
”Actually…” Rose interrupts. ”Correction. You’re NOT wrestling Atara one-on-one. Seems devil-may-care Jake Borden didn’t care to READ the card!”
Rose grasps a clipboard, showing Borden the card.
…
Jake squints through his wraparounds…
”O-o-oh! M-m-my bad!”
”YOU ARE BAD! Take-Two!”
”I’m f-f-facin’ The St-st-storm! Latoya H-HHixx! Storm? More like P-P-PUDDLE!”
”Diabolical!”
”W-we’ve p-p-partnered-up p-p-previously! B-b-but, ONE-ON-ONE, I-I-I’ll…”
”Jake! You’re NOT facing Hixx one-on-one either!!!”
Rose re-demonstrates his clipboard.
…Jake squints with all his might.
”A-ah-ah! S-s-sorry, e-everybody!”
”DON’T APOLOGIZE! VILLAINS DON’T SAY SORRY!”
…Jake reddens.
”Wh-wh-whoopsy-daisy!”
”VILLAINS DON’T SAY WHOOP-…”
…
”GO AGAIN.”
”A-a-at Sn-sn-snow Holds B-b-barred! I’m f-f-facing Cy-Cy-Cyph3r! Now, I-I-I’m fr-from the S-s-eventies!”
“And h-h-he’s from the I-iiii..Internet! But, wh-while Cyph3r c-can cer-cer-certainly Y-y-yahoo b-b-better than me…”
“In the p-p-past? W-w-we kicked A-a-…butt! D-d-don’t b-b-believe me, Cy-cy-cyph3r! Ask J-j-jeeves!”
”Not bad! …Both those search engines are defunct… Still, major improvement, you HEEL!”
”S-s-so! Against Cy-cy-cyph3r! Wuh-wuh…ONE-ON-ONE!”
”CUUUUUUUUUUUT!”
”Jake!” Rose snatches the clipboard.
Rose shoves it in Jake’s face!
Whap! It connects with Borden’s forehead, knocking Jake’s wraparounds askew!
”You’re not facing Hixx, Raven, Cyph3r, OR ANYONE ONE-ON-ONE! IT’S A FATAL FOURWAY MATCH, YOU INCOMPETENT RUBE.”
“FOUR-WAY! GOT IT?”
…
……
”...Jake?”
Eight-year-old Jakey sits on MeeMaw Borden’s livin’ room rug.
His eyes excitedly dart back-and-forth! On television, FOUR grapplers tangle!
”W-w-wooooooow! F-f-fatal f-f-fourway!”
A geriatric woman, sporting thick horn-rimmed-glasses, hobbles in.
She steps beside Jakey.
”What’re we watchin’, Jakey? Howdy Doody?”
”M-m-meeMaw!” Borden points excitedly. ”They’re sh-sh-showing a four-way!”
”A what?!?” MeeMaw straightens her glasses!
MeeMaw’s eyes peer through her… desperately-in-need-of-an-update prescription glasses. She sees…
Fleshy shapes… writhing, rippling, gyrating upon eachother.
”By Gawd!” Meemaw Borden clutches her heart. ”The Devil’s taken the Television!”
The two Bordens sit at the kitchen table.
”Now, Jakey… after whatchu saw, I think we oughta talk about… partners.”
”P-p-partners, MeeMaw?”
”When people do… THAT… it’s best with… TWO people. No less! NO MORE!”
”B-b-but… M-m-MeeMaw, it’s more e-e-exciting with m-m-more people in the ring!”
”A RING binds TWO, Jakey!! S’why Noah gathered TWO of each animal! Couples! One-on-one!”
”…W-w-wait, there was wr-wr-wrasslin’ on Noah’s A-Ark?!?”
”Well, that IS how animals copul-… Jakey. We’ll talk birds ‘n bees later. Just promise me YOU’LL never do one’a them… Fourways!”
”N-n-no f-f-fatal fourways?!?”
”Fatal for yer chances of goin’ t’Heaven, Jakey!”
”…Wh-wh-what about tr-tr-triple threats?”
“The only thing they’ll triple-THREATEN is your relationship with JEEZUS! Don’t you Ménage à TRY IT!”
Jakey dry-swallows.
”O-okay, MeeMaw! I won’t!”
MeeMaw sighs, relieved.
”Trust me, Jakey! That… ‘program’ mighta looked fun… but someday, those girls will regret bein’ on television, doin’ what they done!”
”…MeeMaw, th-those f-f-four were men!”
…
MeeMaw collapses outta her chair.
”Jake? Hello? You were mid-outlining your SINISTER fourway plan?”
…Jake peels off his wraparound shades.
He’s WEEPING, ashamedly.
”I-I-I’m s-s-sorry, M-m-MeeMaw!”
”…What?”
”My M-MeeMaw s-s-said if I ever wr-wrestled in a f-f-fatal f-f-fourway, I-i-id br-br-break her h-h-heart!”
”…But… You’re no stranger to breaking hearts, right, Jake? HEEL, RIGHT?!?”
”…I-I-I’d NEVER h-h-hurt my MeeMaw!”
…
”O-o-oh. A-a-nd I Z-Z-Zinged p-p-people! W-w-while I h-h-had n-n-nice th-things to z-z-zing!”
“M-m-misses R-r-raven is a w-w-wonderful m-m-mother! ZING!”
“Cy-cy-cyph3r is a tactical genius! ZING!”
“Latoya Hixx!”
…
”…anyway…I z-z-zinged them r-r-regardless! Wh-what would M-m-MeeMaw think if she s-s-saw me now?!?”
SIMULTANEOUSLY
IN THE 1970s |
”Dennis, couldja switch on my grandson’s future TV? He said he’ll be on today… fifty-ish years in the future.”
”M-M-MeeMaw! I g-g-gotta be p-p-part of a f-f-fourway!”
“With an A-A-Amazon, a M-m-married Gr-Gr-Greek, a-a-and a cy-cy-cybercriminal!”
“Th-they'll d-d-double-team me! Th-they’ll c-c-come h-h-hard! I’ll o-o-only have m-m-my two h-h-hands to wr-wrap around ‘em!”
“An-and when I-I-I think I’ve g-g-got two gr-gr-gripped, th-th-that’s when that r-r-rascally th-th-third will c-c-come for my r-r-rear!”
“Th-th-these three’ll try their f-f-finishing moves on m-m-me! H-h-heck, knowing m-m-my luck, all th-th-three might f-f-finish on m-m-me!”
In the 70s, MeeMaw’s collapsed, clutching her heart!
”B-B-but, A-after SNB, Jakey’s all s-s-singles matches! L-Like N-Noah’s Ark!”
”Th-this one’s f-f-for M-M-MeeMaw!”
…
”And J-J-Jesus!”
”…That was… XWF’s newest heel, Jake Borden.”
“Crying over disappointing his grandmother.”
“And… dedicating his performance to Jesus.”
…
”Sigh.”
“Shoulda interviewed Hixx…”
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