”Earlier, we spoke to…”

…

”Sigh.”

“Just roll it.”

---

”We’re here with “Cavortin’” Ja-”


…

”You’re not Borden.”

”Nope! I’m his roommate! They call me “Larkin’” Dave Arkin!”

”Oh! Sounds like ‘Cavortin’ Jake Borden. Are you tag-partners in the 70s?”

”...What? I’m no wrestler. I’m a bank-teller.”

…

”You’re a bank-teller and… *they* call you “Larkin’” Dave Arkin?”

”Yip!”

”...Ok. Never heard of a… nick-named bank-teller.”

”You must’ve not interviewed many bank-tellers!”

…Rose exhales.

”Look, Dave. why are YOU here? Where’s Borden?!?”

---

That morning… In the 1970s

…Jake, posterboards in his lap, sits across from Dave…

”Anyway, Boss says, ‘If you keep taking unauthorized two-hour breaks, we’ll start calling you “Larkin’” Dave Arkin’!”

Dave chuckles.

”So, guess what *I* say to shut HIM up!”

Jake opens his mouth… No words come out!

Borden’s mute!

”Jake, this story relies on call-and-response! What gives?”

Jake’s brow furrows apologetically! He lifts a poster.

Sorry, Dave!

Dave dons eyeglasses to read Jake’s cards…

I can’t speak since I heard I’m wrestling Scoops McGee…

”Pause! Who’s Scoops McGee?”

Jake’s eyes widen!

Who’s Scoops McGee?!?

Only my wrestling idol! Scoops’s the biggest wrestler right now (the early 70s)! He’s currently in his prime! Forty(ish)-years-old!

”Gotcha, he’s a big deal… When’s your fight?”

2025! In time-travelling-time, that’s tomorrow!

”2025?!? He’ll be, like… 150! Kick his mummified ASS!”

It’s not about the match! Scoops’s an ICON! I’ve gotta pay respect PRE-match!

But… I’m so nervous about messing up… I’ve lost my voice!

Dave gives Borden a shoulder-pat.

”Don’t be nervous! You’ll figure out what to say”

Jake shakes his head.

Dave! I KNOW what to say! I’ve practiced cutting promos about Scoops since I was knee-high!

Jake exhales, exasperatedly!

But, my stupid tongue always messes up!

…Dave snaps his fingers!

”Got it! YOU *write* the message… And I’LL *read* it on your… wrestling skit-show?”

…Jake’s eyes glimmer!

Dave, that’s brilliant! You NEVER stutter!

”Cuz I’m a bank-teller, Jake! I just tell it like it is!”

---

”So, I’m here…”

Dave reaches offscreen… retrieving a lifesize, autographed, ‘Scoops’ cut-out!

Dave sets ‘Scoops’ beside himself!

“To deliver Jake’s message…”

Dave nods at Jake!

Borden stands off-camera, posters ready!

”Straight to Scoots McGee!”

”…Scoops, you mean?”

…Dave retrieves his glasses, re-reading the cut-out’s autograph…

”Oh. SCOOPS!” Dave removes the glasse--

Whoops! Dave fumbles his glasses!

”Rolling!”

Dave reaches… But Rose holds him in-frame!

---

”Okay… “Larkin’” Dave Arkin, roommate of “Cavortin’” Jake Borden…”

“Says he’s delivering a message for Scoops, straight from Borden. S’that right, Dave?”

”...Yip.”

Jake flips to card #1!

I’m a time-traveler, Pete! I’ve visited the Stone Age, the Age of Enlightenment… Now, I’m here!

Dave squints

”Pete! Jake’s traveled through time! To when people got STONED! To when people got LIT! Now, he’s… here!”

Jake frowns, flipping to card #2.

I can definitively say… No wrestler across ALL-TIME has more experience than Scoops McGee! He’s an oldhand at every wrestling style!

“Across all spacetime…”

Dave squints harder…

“No one has older hands than Scoops McGee!”

“…Pardon?”

“Yeah! Like, Scoops’ hands voted in CAVEMAN TIMES… for GEORGE WASHINGTON!”

Jake rapidly shakes his head!

Dave points at the ‘Scoops’ cutout’s hands!

“Look at ‘im! They’re GROSS! They LOOK like cut-off monkey’s paws! The skin probably FEELS like Werther’s Originals wrappers!”

Borden gasps! He scribbles on a blank poster…

“I’m confused. I’d assumed Jake intended a loving tribute for Scoops McGee.”

Jake frantically lifts his message!

Dave, that’s not what I meant! This is an elegy for Scoops!

Dave nods!

“Nah, that’s NOT what Jake meant, Pete! This is an EULOGY!”

“Buy the old CORPSE flowers, cuz Scoops’s getting BURIED Thursday!”

”Goodness!”

…Jake panickedly raises another poster!

DAVE! Scoops’s the most generous soul! Always providing guiding hands to young wrestlers! Scoops always has the rookies’ backs!

“Speaking of hands, Scoops’s the handsiest guy! Reeeeeeeal generous with backrubs, if-you-catch-my-drift!”

“Shocking accusation!!!”

Jake rapidly flips cards!

I MEAN… Other wrestlers guard their secrets-to-success! Scoops’ll happily share everything he does with rookies! No matter how new they are!

”What’s REAL messed-up? Scoops tells everyone his shit! Other wrestling creeps would keep it secret! Scoops, like, GETS OFF telling new guys what he does…”

Dave gestures at ‘Scoops’’s groin!

“ Like, a Harvey Weinstein CHUB over the power he wields! He can share his gnarly, geezer perversions! Nothing’ll happen! He’s Scoops! they’re nobody!”

Jake’s horrified!

”GEE-ZUS! Why’s Borden saying this tonight?!?”

Jake flips posters…

I hope, after this, Scoops guides me too!

”Jake hopes, after this, Scoops gets #MeToo’d!”

Jake exes his arms across his chest!

”Oh…” Dave squints. ”Forget that…!”

”Forget that?!?”

”What Jake *really* means…”

Jake nods, raising another poster.

Scoops’ career’s far-from-over… But we all know where he’s headed when he retires!

“Scoops’s been around for-EVER… And Jake knows exactly where Scoops’s going when all’s said-and-done!”

Flip…

The Hall!

“To Hell!”

Jake gasps panickedly! He flips his poster, desperately scribbling!

“Straight to Hell!”

“WHOA! JAKE BORDEN says Scoops McGee’s Hell-bound!?!”

Jake re-raises the sign! He’s circled the ‘a’ in Hall twice!

“…Oh! Not Hell!”

Jake exhales, relieved…

“A HOLE!”

“Hole?”

“The deepest hole in Hell! Like, a hell-pit! With… Hitler, Judas, and Scoops McGee!”

Jake waves his arms crossed, signalling Dave to quit!

“And Hitler and Judas are like… whoa, we musta done REAL bad stuff!!! We’re here with SCOOPS MCGEE!!”

”Wow! Borden *really* thinks THIS of Scoops?”

Jake sees Dave’s not getting it… Borden raises the posterboards…

And rips them in half!


”No, Jake thinks THIS of Scoops!”

Dave picks up ‘Scoops’…

AND RIPS ‘HIM’ IN HALF!

Jake’s aghast!

”That’s what Jake’ll do to YOU, Scoops!”

Jake desperately charges from off-camera…

…But, Borden trips over a cord…

And inadvertently tackles ‘Scoops’’s ‘remains’ outta Dave’s hands!

Dave points at the tangled-up tussle, tumbling off-camera!

”Then, THAT! Jake’ll SCRAP you! When Jake’s done, they’ll call you SCRAPS McGee!”

---

”After this promo, Scoops’s PR firm sued Borden for slander.”

“We called Dave’s bank to see if Dave wanted to retract Borden’s message…”

“Dave couldn’t speak… as he was mid-unauthorized two-hour break.”