The scene opens up with Angelica Vaughn and Roxy Cotton sitting at a big oak table. Whilst Roxy’s vision is set on ‘what on this flat Earth am I doing here’, Angelica is all rays of sunshine. The good kind, the one that gives you a nice tan, rather than blisters, allergies and third degree burns.

As Roxy keeps chewing her bubblegum, she takes out her phone looking bored and uninterested, leaning back in her chair, Angelica excitedly claps her hands and addresses the viewers.

”Hi-hiiiiiiiiiiiii~~! Welcome back to #CoolTube, my loveliest of the lovely Ang Gang! It’s so good to see all of my Angsters and Vaughnstars back in beeswax, ready to get rolling! As you can see I am joined tonight by one of my very besties, the oh so talented Roxy Cotton! So hi to the camera, Rox!"

Roxy doesn’t look up from her phone, but instead blows an enormous bubblegum balloon that pops with a loud bang, before she continues chewing undisturbed.

”… I’ll take it! N-E-Wayz, Rox here was kind enough to assist me as we try something new. I’ve been on TV the past couple of weeks, breaking bread and skulls with Chef Ramsey, and that was after I beat Dionysus for the Television Championship! Poor Noah fell the show after that, and I became the first TV Champ to actually *retain* the belt in, like, 5-ever!

You might be asking yourself, ‘but Angie, if you’re TV Champ then why are you on #CoolTube?’  Well, I am one hundred percentoes convinced that streaming and stuffs are the true future of television. I said it before, but we should really consider renaming this title, because it feels a bit outdated, doesn’t it? In any case, we’re here on the future of TV, AS the present and future of the TV Championship! Because I have a pretty good feeling that *this* five foot eleven Hitgirl is going to go into Leap of Faith as the TV Champ still! Not that I’m taking this lightly, obvs, but… more about that later!"

Angelica halts her monologue for a bit and reaches down for something next to her on the floor. Loud scrunching noises can be heard as she puts a series of paper bags on the table. Roxy looks up for the first time in a while, annoyed by the noise, before rolling her eyes and going back to her phone.

”So what is it that we’re going to do today? Only one of the most coolio trends of the past few years! I invited Roxy over here especially so we could do… a mukbang!"

Roxy finally lays her phone on the table and turns towards Angelica.

"Look, bb, I was *so* excited when you asked me to do one. I even got a bunch of guys who were going to be PERFECT for it! Then I googled it and ugh… I can’t believe you roped me into this! This is not what I had in mind!"

Angelica frowned.

”Do I even want to *know* what you have in mind?"

"Well, first of all we…"

”THAT WAS A RHETORICAL QUESTION ROXY! Sheesh. Besides, I’d have asked Kenz but I’m pretty sure she’s still mad at me, and we all know how loudly she chews. This stuff is supposed to be relaxing, like ASMR… With the noises she makes, we’ll be getting nothing but feedback on those mics! Remember when the four of us had that clam chowder back at the compound in Maine?"

"…that was also not what I had in mind that day…"

”I don’t know what you mean by that, but I’m going to pretend I do and be disgusted by what you’re insinuating. N-E-Wayz, Kenz was sitting next to me and she was slurping so loudly it actually triggered my first ever case of tinnitus. And I remember this one time when we were all having breakfast on the Queen, and Kenz was having breakfast cereal. I thought an engine had exploded and the whole boat was going to sink! When we fly first class I have to put on my noise cancelling headphones when they bring us our meals or otherwise I keep checking for hull breaches, expecting imminent cabin pressure loss.

SO THAT’s why I asked you and not Kenzi."

"Why don’t you bug Sar with this nonsense?"

”She’s busy."

"And I’m not??"

”You haven’t done anything in ages! It feels like the only time you come out of the house these days is when I make you! Honestly, I’m worried about you a little bit, Rox. Besides, you have experience with this kind of setup."

"…whatever. Get on with it."

”Right! SO, what AXLY *is* a mukbang, right? For those of you who don’t know, it’s a Korean thingamajig and it basically means that it’s an eating show where people eat food on camera. Sounds boring, you might think, but it’s anything but! It’s actually very soothing. So tonight I brought a few fantastic dishes…"

As Angelica starts unpacking the brown paper bags, Roxy raises an eyebrow in suspicion.

"Ang, bb, tell me you didn’t cook these dishes yourself. I saw you on Celebrity Masterchef and as bad as you were, you were actually better than I thought you were going to be."

”Hey now! I’ll have you know that my cooking has improved by leaps and bounds ever since then; and that I did totes beat Noah in the Gordon Ramsey Scrambled Egg match on Warfare! But don’t worry, I had all of this delivered. And before you ask, yes I used UberEats and it’s all vegan."

"Good girl."

As Angelica continued to unpack, she described what was in each dish.

”First off all, a vegan katsu curry that’s seitan coated in crispy panko and a delish curry sauce that smells unbelievable!
Then a yasai nikko curry, a fragrant soup with coconut, lemongrass and turmeric. Filled with tofu, peppers, spring onions, etc.
Then a kare burosu ramen, which is shichimi-coated silken tofu, some grilled funghi, on udon noodles in a curried veggie broth with extra veggies!"

"It is ALL Japanese food?"

”Yup! I asked my big bro what were some good vegan foodstuffs and he suggested these."

"So why didn’t you get *him* to do this with you?"

”Pffft. Wow yeah, great idea, Rox! I can already imagine THAT phone conversation! ‘Hey Shinji, fancy getting on a plane and fly a few hours so you and I can sit in front of a camera and eat food together for strangers?’ Hee hee, come on now."

"THAT IS A LITERAL TRANSCRIPTION OF THE PHONE CALL YOU AND I HAD YESTERDAY!!!"

”NOT TRUE!! …your name isn’t Shinji, is it? N-E-Ways, we’ve been talking for so long, we should dig in! And remember, this is supposed to be relaxing and calming for the viewers!"

"I’M NOT DOING IT!"

”YES YOU ARE!"

Angelica took a pair of chopsticks and a wooden soup spoon. She took a deep breath and inhaled the smell of the coconut-lemongrass-turmeric soup. She fished a piece of crispy silken tofu out and put it in her mouth. At the first chew, the crust cracked, and continued to crunch as she chewed. The microphones picked up every sound of the food mixing with Angelica’s tongue and saliva.

"This is disgusting."

Angelica swallowed, another very distinctive sound, and looked back at Roxy.

”You know what, Rox? Of all the things you have done on camera, THIS is where you draw the line and call it disgusting?"

"WOWWWWWWW!"

”I’m not shaming you, just… Come on, give it a try! It doesn’t have to be weird, unless you make it."

"Nope. Besides, I still have a bubblegum in my mouth."

”Then spit it out!"

"There’s no garbage can around here."

”Use one of the paper bags!"

"So they can no longer be recycled? Wow, Ang, I didn’t know you HATED our planet!"

Angelica sighed, and held out the palm of her hand.

"…seriously?"

”Come on, then. In my hand, so I can see you got rid of it."

Having run out of excuses, Roxy rolled her eyes and put the piece of gum in Angelica’s palm. The TV Champ smiled contentedly.

”Now, eat!"

"…I’m not hungry."

”I know you want to."

As Roxy crossed her arms and leaned back, Angelica picked up the chopsticks again, and playfully tried to boop Roxy’s nose with them. Roxy was agile enough to dodge them, but became visibly annoyed and swatted at them like they were an annoying pair of mosquitos.

"Stop it!"

”BOOP! BOOP! Sit still! BOOP!"

"Cut it out!"

Angelica grinned, and used her chopsticks to pick up a piece of seitan. She held her hand up high.

"…what are you doing?"

”BRRRRRRRRR!"

"By Tom Cruise, do not!"

Angelica started making airplane noises, and started to move the piece of seitan through the air, doing barrel rolls, ducking, weaving, looping, until eventually finding its trajectory…

”BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!"

… straight towards Roxy’s mouth.

”By Tom Cruise, you say? Just imagine we’re playing Top Gun! BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!"

Angelica kept on going with the piece of seitan, until it was mere inches away from Roxy’s mouth.

”BRRRRRRRRRRR! Prepare to land! Landing wheels engaged! BRRRRRRRR! Oh noes! Captain, we have a problem! BRRRRRRRRR! The runway is blocked! BRRRRRRRRR! We’re all going to die! NOEEES! BRRRRRRRRR!"

Roxy looked like she could strangle Angelica, and yet, before the piece of seitan could touch her lips, Roxy opened her mouth and snatched the piece of seitan with her teeth before starting to chew it, creating the same kinds of ASMR (to some people) noises that Angelica had made a few moments earlier.

"Damn it!"

”YAAAY! Safe landing, Captain! See, that wasn’t so bad, was it?"

A few more crunching and swallowing sounds later, Roxy shook her head.

"I can’t believe you would do that to me! ’It doesn’t have to be weird unless you make it’, she said…"

”The airplane trick always works, Rox. It will break even the strongest-willed people, like you! Now, have a sip of the veggie broth!"

Angelica used her soup spoon to dig into the ramen bowl, and happily slurped it up. Audible, but not TOO loud either, because that was a turnoff for a lot of people.

"Great. Now you made me realize I’m actually hungry. Say what you want about MY camshows, Ang, but at least I don’t talk them into eating disorders!"

”Oh yeah? You keep telling people they need to lose weight!"

"It’s only a disorder if you gain weight, bb."

”… I don’t think that’s true, Rox. Is it?"

"Of course it is. All you’re doing here is inspiring a whole new generation of obesity by glorifying eating as much food as you can. Soon your viewers will be stuffing their mouths and clogging their arteries and end up in the hospital for heart surgery and liposuctions, leaving less room for people who need more urgent healthcare, like Brazilian buttlifts and lip fillings."

”But… that’s not my intention at all!"

"I know you mean well, bb. But trust me on this. Why would I lie to you?"

”Hmm. Yeah, that is true. Well okies, I guess we’ll shut this down then. After all, I wouldn’t want to talk people into unhealthy eating habits or lfestyles."

"Neither would I. So, it’s almost noon, what do you say we go have a few lunch margaritas in that place I saw around the corner? They have cage dancers."

”A great idea! Wait, cage dancers??"

---

---

The drinks were decent, but Angelica didn’t really vibe with this place, unlike Roxy. The cage dancing was way more rude and obscene than Angelica had imagined it would be, and to make matters worse, the two margaritas she’d had had only made her even hungrier than she’d already been. And unfortunately they weren’t allowed to bring in the paper bags with the food so they had to dump it in a trash can outside.

While Roxy was a few minutes removed from climbing on top of the bar and entertaining the crowd, Angelica found herself the quietest booth in the quietest corner of the bar. She opened her phone and started recording.

”Hey there, my loverlies! It’s Angelica again, and you’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situation! Well, I’m in this weird bar, and there’s cage dancers, and I am asking myself the question why anyone would want to do that to themselves. Like, as a profession. For hours on end every day. With all of those people watching you, judging you, and… OW EM GEE!"

The irony struck Angelica like an ironing machine to the face. She sighed.

”Okies, so I guess I’m kind of doing that to myself as well. Locking myself up in a cage, for my job, having thousands of people watch me go about my business… In a stipulation that I chose myself. At least it won’t be for hours on end, because of that one caveat, right? After all, HECK IN A SEC was designed to end quickly. I’d be surprised if the match lasted more than two minutes either way. Because kicking out at three? That’s not that hard. Kicking out before the one-count? That is HARD! Like, you can’t hesitate a second. Usually when you get pinned and you feel like you have it in you to kick out at two-and-a-half, you take the extra second as an extra breather. Not only is it good for your match stamina, it makes the match look more exciting for the fans by making them think you’re closer to being down for 3 than you AXLY are.

But not here. Not at HECK IN A SEC. There are no breathers. There is no letting down, or letting up. There can be no hesitation or confusion, no carefully weighing the point and counterpoints of deciding to let the ref count one more time before you kick out. It is all or nothing. This is no marathon, this is a sprint. It will be fast, it will be furious. But mercifully, it will likely be over quick, one way or the other.

But I don’t intend to be the one to go down so easily. Now, fair play to Alex. Last week, he showed me more humility than I thought he would, by fully acknowledging his underestimation of me is what led to his defeat. Props, Alex. MAJ PROPS for that little bit of introspection. It shows you’re not too proud to do takebacksies when necessary. You’d be surprised by how many people would have doubled down, calling my wins a fluke, and saying that I am, like, totes horbz even if I beat them.

As for your question concerning my Masterchef participation… It is ABS true that I like to seek the approval of people who, like, tend to abuse me. And I wish I could say I don’t know why that is, but unfortunately I think it’s pretty clear. You’re new, Alex, you may not know this, but my childhood wasn’t the happiest. I am who I am in spite of it, not because of it. But it still left some scars. Growing up, I was never good enough, no matter how well I did, or no matter how hard I worked. My mom and I were victims of abuse. Never any physical kind, but constant verbal and mental abuse are just as bad. It has allowed me to shrug off most base insults that are thrown at me. I try not to let them phase me, because nothing any opponent could ever tell me about myself isn’t something I haven’t already heard a dozen times before.

So yeah, I still try to seek approval from people who will never give it to me. Call it a character flaw all you want. At heart though, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with trying to please people. I am a people pleaser after all, and I carry that badge with honor.

I am disappointed you seem to think I see you as easy pickings though. I believe in my chances, obvs, but rarely if ever have I dismissed an opponent as an easy win. All signs may point towards me having the advantage here, given our historic meetings and our match records, but that still means I have to get the work done and take this seriously. This is the XWF. This is world class competition. There are no scrubs here, and anyone who thinks otherwise will be out of the door real quick. I’ve been here for a while now, and I’ve learned that almost everybody can beat almost everybody, any given Sunday… Or I should say ‘Saturday’ in case of Warfare… So just because I think my best can beat your best, doesn’t mean I think I can go 50% and still beat you with one hand tied behind my back. That is a one-way ticket to Obscurityville, and I don’t want to be headed there. I worked hard for this TV title, and hard work is the only thing that’ll let me keep it. I’m sure you’ve worked hard to be where you are right now, as well, and that you will continue to do so. I respect that. If you think I don’t, you’re not a good judge of character.

Anyway, I am deffo glad you were entertained by my Masterchef appearance at least. So much so that you wanted to try it out for yourself! Imitation is certainly the highest form of flattery, so I hope you got something out of that experience, even if it was only imaginary.

An experience that won’t be imaginary however, is you feeling the wrath of my boot hitting your temple, and going down for the count of one. Because that’s all it’s going to take, Alex. Don’t you forget it.

Bye-sies!”

-fin-