CHELSEA LECLAIR PRODUCTIONS PRESENTS:

THE PRICE IS WRONG!

Fade into a mock “Price is Right” set where Chelsea LeClair is standing hind the bidding podium with “ON MOLLY BARNES”, “DECREPIT SIDNEY” and “BOREDWARD”, who of course, are mockeries of Chelsea’s opponents.

“Are we on?” Chelsea’s mother says as she stands by the stage in front of the “Showcase Showdown” wheel spin. “Good. You know the rules of this fucking game. Can we just get to what the prize is today?”

“IT’S A NEW CAR!” a random announcer says. “Wait no… it’s A MAIN EVENT WIN ON ANARCHY! Ramifications of said victory are currently unknown.”

“So yeah, you bid and if you go over you lose blah blah blah… we’re going to start with BOREDWARD and… I must say it’s a very fitting name for you sir, because your stupid rantings are just… BORING… REPETITIVE! Chelsea, hon, I don’t know how you put up with these people in your wrestling career. Can you just bid already, BOREDWARD?”

Boredward does nothing.

“Say a number… anything…”

Boredward picks his nose.

“Are you even going to bid anything at all?”

Boredward clubs himself in the head and knocks himself out.

“Anarchy is such an embarrassment with this guy holding its title. Okay Decrepit Sidney, we turn to you and I must say that I REALLY wanted to throw up portraying someone like you in Chelsea’s production. You stupid, OLD, decrepit, dollar store windbag, cocksu…

“MOM!”

“Your bid, Decrepit Sidney? Hello? Earth to Sid?”

Decrepit Sidney has fallen fast asleep. There is a bottle of Ambien nearby.

“Chelsea, you should be ashamed for not being able to beat these two. Then again, one was a cage match and you weren’t actually pinned in the other. When are you going to stand up for yourself and actually pull through, huh? It’s funny because we recently reunited and we’re trying to understand each other but I don’t understand why you partake in something like this especially considering…”

Chelsea narrows her eyes and glares at her mother.

“Right, moving on. On Molly Barnes… what’s your bid?”

“Five cents…” the Molly Barnes parody says with a sniff.

“You have to bid in dollars, honey.”

“...oh yeah?”

“That’s how the game works. Gosh, no wonder you always lose. OH MY GOD WHAT ARE THOSE POWDERED LINES??!?!?!”

Chelsea gasps seeing lines of powder next to her, but then she sees a wrapper that has a Walmart label on it.

“It’s powdered sugar, mom…” she says, matter of factly, causing her mother to breathe a sigh of relief.

“FIVE DOLLARS” says “ON MOLLY BARNES”, the 5 flashing on her podium. Chelsea just shrugs.

“Free. Because you can’t put a price on victory.” Chelsea adds.

“Cheesy… but…. Hey, actual retail price is FREE… that bid was so easy a caveman could do it…”

“...or not…” Chelsea says with a laugh… “MOM, LOOK OUT!”

The Showcase Showdown wheel has spun out of control and is rolling in her direction. Chelsea’s mother avoids the wheel, but it ‘crushes everyone on the bidding table except chelsea.

(DISCLAIMER: NO HUMAN BEINGS WERE HARMED IN THE MAKING OF THIS PRODUCTION)

“I need a drink…” Chelsea’s mother says as she leaves the stage.

“Yeah, I said it. You can’t put a price on a victory. But of course, Molly Barnes wouldn’t know that since all she seems to do is lose. Let’s see… she lost two Anarchies ago to HGH… and she lost to Edward in the last Anarchy. She wasn’t pinned, but still. When in the world is this girl going to finally step up and do something? I know you’re not my biggest fan. Join the club! But you have to face the facts here and facts are, your only win recently was the win we got together when we were in the Amazon and also? Weren’t you on Madness on one point? How did that go? Not well I see? You’re definitely having a hard time adjusting to the competition in XWF? I’ve beaten you before and I know I can beat you again. That’s the plan for this main event.

I will say this though, Anarchy deserves BETTER… WAY better… than my other two opponents.

Granted, what’s worse? A loss to Sidney or a loss to Edward?”

Chelsea sighs, clearly not liking this predicament she’s in.

“You didn’t pin me the previous time. Of course, you had to go after your fuck buddy Centurion. WHo the fuck are you going to hide behind this time? The fact of the matter is, I’ve been going after you from the start because I think it’s about time this brand got rid of you. Yeah, I said it. I don’t like you. I’ve never liked you. It’s not even the bad television you put on, it’s the fact that you’re older than even my mother but you act half of MY age! Hide behind who you want, Sidney. But sooner or later, I WILL have my way with you and it might as well be this week.

Anarchy deserves BETTER than Edward.

Seriously…

Has anyone even stopped and thought about how embarrassing it is that someone walks around acting like a caveman happens to be the Anarchy Champion? And keeps beating everyone in sight seemingly? This needs to stop! I’ll get my chance to get closer to stopping it myself, but seriously Edward, it’s about time you went back to the Ice Age and stayed there. Screaming during all of your promos is an embarrassment to this brand, this company and to society as a whole with how nonsensical they are. But what ISN’T nonsensical? My drive to win this match to make this brand better! Period! You’re not in a stupid cage like the title match we had this time… and I’ll see to it, starting this week, that I create the change that I seek for this brand!

And you WON’T put a price on THAT!

Chelsea walks off and the production ends.