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CTN · (03-02-2023)

UNIVERSE XWF99

XWF Headquarters

Stardate 100764.31

The black van, airbrushed with a dazzling mural of various characters from Star Wars, sputtered as it leapt onto the curve and came to a hard stop. Inside, the driver and his passenger let out a panicked shout as they were showered in Funyuns and a splash from an open container of Cherry Coke. The stunned passenger, a young man wearing plastic Mandalorian armor, grabbed the dashboard to steady himself. “DANK FARRIK! Are you trying to kill us before we can complete the mission?”

The driver, his vision obviously obscured by the plastic helmet he wore, slammed the vehicle into park as he turned to his friend in annoyance, “Calm down laser brain! I got this!”

The passenger rolled his eyes, then craned his neck as he looked across the street. He smiled with a nod as he pointed, “There she is dude!”

The driver turned and looked, bumping his plastic helmet against the window. “You sure?” he asked, his voice slightly muffled as his headgear was knocked askew.

“Yeah! That’s Sidney Grey!” He held up the poster he had brought of the new XWF Anarchy Champion from CTN ShopZone.

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The man in the helmet leaned in, looking at the picture as he asked. “What’s a MeeMaw?”

The other man responded, “A MeeMaw is our ticket to bringing order to the galaxy.”

It had been a stellar week for Sidney Grey in the XWF; she’d captured the Anarchy Championship after surviving a horrific beating at the hands of the legendary Centurion, she’d defeated the ultra-talented Dolly Waters in the Sweet Sixteen round of March Madness, and finally she had punctuated that victory by choking out Dolly right in front of Sarah Lacklan, her very own daughter-in-law. Conventional wisdom said that things couldn’t have been better for the TV reality star, but in fact, things were starting to spiral out of control.

Despite overcoming the odds to become a champion, she had just as quickly found herself empty-handed after the sleazy Tommy Wish trapped her in an ‘unwanted’ smooch, then absconded with her newly won title belt. Sidney had been left apoplectic…if not mildly aroused by the intimate assault, not that she would ever admit the latter.

As for her dismantling of Dolly Waters, who had rankled her with digs of inferiority because she had come from the Anarchy brand, the victory had rung hollow without her daughter there to see her do it. She had goaded Sarah to appear to defend her protégé, even provoking a minor confrontation that she had played up to make her daughter’s wife regret getting involved. Still, in the end, not much had changed and she was no closer to gaining the notice of her child than when she had started.

The world just kept right on spinning, and Sid would have to do what she could to hang on…

XWF HEADQUARTERS
YOU KNOW WHERE!

Sid impatiently sat in the waiting room of XWF Headquarters, stewing in the rage and anger of her own juices. She had been there far too long waiting to speak to someone in charge. Finally, she’d had enough, and she stormed up to the receptionist, slamming her hand down on the woman’s desk to get her attention. “HELLO?! I’ve been here since 2 o’clock! I need to speak to Theo Price!”

The receptionist, a haughty middle-aged woman with a shock of bright orange hair, gave an exasperated sigh. “I told you already, Mr. Price is in a meeting. I can contact Mr. Lane for you.”

Sid narrowed her eyes, pointing a finger in the woman’s face. “That bumbling idiot is part of the reason I’m here! First he puts me in some ridiculous barefoot, electrified ring match! Then he lets Ruby’s jealous sugar daddy attack me during my match! And here’s the kicker, it’s been over a week and he’s done nothing about my title belt being STOLEN by Tommy Wish!” Sid snorted in disgust as she mocked the woman’s tone, “I can contact Mr. Lane for you.” she suddenly screamed at the top of her lungs, “I WOULD SOONER SLAP THE HAIR PLUGS OUT OF HIS STUPID HEAD THAN TALK TO HIM!” Sid stamped her feet like a petulant child. “Get me Theo Price or else I’m about 2 seconds from going across that desk and-“

MOMENTS LATER
OUTSIDE

Sid found herself escorted from the building by Chief of Security, Little Feather, in an act that was probably some of the most efficient security work done by him in recent memory. Sid let fly with a torrent of insensitive insults and curses, but even she had to pause and admire the magnificence of the man’s ethereal beauty, as he slammed the door in her face.

“…fuck…” Sid brooded for a moment, then grabbed the door handle and violently shook it after finding it locked. “THIS IS BULLSHIT! I’M A GODDAMN CHAMPION! YOU CAN’T TREAT ME LIKE THIS!”

“Sidney Grey…”

Sid turned, one of her eyebrows arching upward as she looked the duo up and down. “You two are a little short to be Storm Troopers.”

The two men looked at one another, then back at Sid, the one without the helmet speaking, “We’re Mandalorians!”

Sid gave an annoyed sigh, then pushed her way pass them. “This is fucking ridiculous!”

One of the men called out, “We just want your help with Jay Omega.”

Sid stopped, turning around at the mention of her upcoming opponent in the next round of the tournament. She eyed the two men suspiciously…or even more suspiciously than one would ordinarily eye them. “Are you fucking nerds working for Jay Omega?” She looked around, suddenly wary. “You’d better not be trying to suck me into all that stupid Babylon 5 crap!”

“It’s Star Wars!” The man under the helmet blurted out.

His partner interjected. “We’re not working for The Omega Man…at least, not yet.”

Sid face contorted into a mask of pure confusion. “What in the hell is this all about?”

“We need you to help us…” The man looked at his helmeted comrade, then back to Sid, “…prove to the world that Jay Omega and the Galactic Combat League is real…”

There was a long pregnant pause, and finally Sid erupted into laughter. “Are you serious?! Do you two expect me to waste my time with this Space Cowboy nonsense?! Hey, here’s a news flash for the two of you…” she slapped the two of them up side their heads, causing them to knock together. “Battlestar Galactica isn’t real!”

“STAR WARS!” They both returned in unison.

Sid threw up her hands, walking away. “I don’t give a shit about any of this!”

“Maybe we can help you too!” one of them shouted out. When Sid continued walking, they elaborated. “We can help you find Tommy Wish so you can get your title belt back.”

Sid stopped abruptly, turning back. She narrowed her eyes as she asked, “What do you know?”

The two men looked at each other, silent understanding passing between them. The one with the armor spoke up. “My associate…he knows Tommy’s smoke connect. He’ll know where Tommy is.”

Sid glanced at the man wearing the helmet and he pushed a button on his belt, sending a cloud of home grown wafting from the seams. He coughed and Sid frowned as she waved the weed cloud away. “This is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard of…but, tell me what you want.”

“Well…” The two men looked at each other, unable to hide how excited they were. “It’s WEIRD.”

Sid rolled her eyes, “Tell me something I don’t know!”

Okay, I thought wrestling a man barefoot on an electrified mat was the weirdest thing I’d do here, but NOPE! Now I find myself up against The Omega Man himself, the intergalactic blood sport champion, Jay Omega!

Now, I could borrow from my last opponent, and run you down, not for coming from the ‘minor leagues’ like me but for coming from Outerspace! But…if I did that, I’d be discounting the fact that not only did you advance to the Elite 8, but you beat some top-notch talent to get here, including the winner of last year’s tournament. So, no…I’m not going to engage in any of that lunacy. I saw your matches and whether you’re bat-shit crazy or not, no one can deny that you know what you’re doing inside those ropes.

People are probably saying that you got lucky when you turned the tables on Bobby Bourbon and you rolled him up for the three count after it looked like you were done for. I don’t see it that way. I’ve been in this business long enough to know that you aren’t beaten until you lay down and you decide that you can’t get back up. So, regardless of the presentation, you’re tough and you don’t quit until the bell sounds. Then there was Astra, and you made quick work of that one. So, whether it’s a war or an all-out blitz, you’re not one to joke around with.

I respect that Jay, but you see, I’m also not one to play games.

No, I don’t get your whole Buck Rogers get up. I don’t know anything about Championship Seals and I’ve never heard of the Calling…but, I have associates who think they have. For whatever reason, these people buy everything about you, from rumors that your body is riddled with implants waiting to burst out of your chest like Aliens, to speculation that your piece of shit spaceship crashed on the dark side of the moon.

I don’t believe it, but they are paying me to prove that you are, and that is exactly what I plan on doing!

So, Jay…Omega Man…here’s the deal; there’s a lot on the line with a chance to advance to the Final Four and eventually compete to become the King of the XWF, but why do we have to stop there? Why don’t we put a little something extra on the line? When you came to the XWF in 2021 you were all geared up for a run at the Tag Team Titles…but, you only had yourself to rely on. How about this Jay; if you beat me, no harm, no foul…you say the word, whenever and wherever, and you got yourself a partner from this dimension. No Ninja Jay, no Robot Jay, and absolutely no fucking Dinosaur Jay! You’re the captain, just point the way to the asses we need to kick!

Of course, if you lose…and you will lose, I’m gonna need something from you. I believe you call it a…WEIRD. I’ll be completely honest with you, I have no idea what that is, but that’s the offer.

You can take it or you can shove it out the nearest airlock for all I care, but one way or another, your journey to the next round of the tournament means a stop in my world. Unfortunately, it also means it ends there to!

“So, you’re really going to go all in with those two guys and their silly belief?” The producer asked, from off camera.

Sid sat back and folded her arms across her chest. “Look! I don’t care if all that weed Jay Omega smokes during his promos gets him high or Scotty really does beam him up-“

“That’s Star Trek.” they corrected.

Sid rolled her eyes. “WHATEVER!” She leaned forward, with a deadly serious look on her face. “If me beating up some Marvin the Martian wannabe for his McDonald’s Kids Club bracelet gets me my Anarchy belt back, then call me Ming ‘The Merciless!’

“That’s Flash Gordon.”

“Oh, FUCK OFF!!”

Sid flipped off the Producer as she left in a huff and the show ended.

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