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Lacklan · (02-17-2023)

~~Eggs, Eggs, and More Eggs - February 7th~~

“Who the fuck is Andy?!”

The keen of the banshee forces an awkward silence in the room, the tings and dings of silverware and dishes coming to an abrupt stop. Heads turned from tables throughout the restaurant, from staff and diner alike, to the source of that screech. Sarah Lacklan in all of her black and red puffery stood at a table, her chair fallen to the floor behind her, was shaking, the wine in her glass spilling from the top. Seated on the other side of the table, decidedly muted in her brown blouse with yellow flowers instead of her banana-lime gear, is Ruby Debuchy.

“Andy Cortinovis, Lackers. Listen-”

“And who the hell is THAT?!”

Ruby’s sighs and calms herself in the face of irate rage.

“Centurion. You know that.”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake!”

Sarah sighs and takes a drink of her wine, her shaking causing it to spill more to the table than into her mouth.

“Rubes, I love you, you know that, but you have to face reality: He's dead. He's never coming back.”

Ruby rolls her eyes with playful humor.

“Then I will join him in Elysium.”

“Bah!”

Sarah waves her hand angrily and begins stalking back and forth, two steps to the right, back to center, two steps to the left.

“You CAN’T be retiring, Rubes. I will not allow it!”

“It may not be forever.”

“The fuck am I supposed to do in the meantime?! I JUST GOT BACK!”

“Sarah, I-”

“SIX HUNDRED AND FIFTY-SEVEN FUCKING DAYS, RUBY!”

Sarah screams before turning back to the table and slamming her hands down, the last of her wine spilling out.

“Don’t you understand?! I didn’t wait SIX HUNDRED AND FIFTY-SEVEN FUCKING DAYS to come back and have YOU, of all FUCKING people, BAIL as soon as I’m cleared!”

“Lackers, I don’t-”

“DON’T ‘LACKERS’ ME!”

Sarah looks down for a moment and busies herself with filling her glass from the bottle sitting in the middle of the table. Her hands continued to shake, making the process difficult.

“I just…got…back…Ruby…”

Her words are shaky and stilted, matching the movement of her hands. When she finally finishes pouring the glass, she looks up, and Ruby can see tears brimming at the edges of her odd eyes.

“...why?”

Ruby shrugs.

“I want what you have, Sarah.”

Sarah’s eyes crunch beneath her thick glasses and Ruby points up with her fingers.

“It’s true, my gal! You’ve got Kenzi! You’ve got a family! I want a family, too. I want my man. Maybe ki-”

Ruby cuts off, her eyes going wide, as Sarah’s hands shake even more, and the face of the angel turns down into that of the demon.

“Oh, I see. You don’t just want what I have…you want what I can’t have.”

Ruby shakes her head.

“No, I-”

She cuts off and lets out a shriek of surprise as the contents of Sarah’s glass splash into her face and down her chest.

“Selfish bitch.”

Sarah spins on her heel and storms away, the eyes of the fellow diners moving back and forth between the whirlwind of emotional rage and the shocked Ruby sitting at the table.

~~Somewhere along the 940 in Pennsylvania - February 17th~~

DAMNIT, SAR

wut?

*SCREEEEEEEAAAAAACH!*

Why do you ALWAYS have to drive so fast?

Sorry, no time to answer. Gotta bank dat curve, yo!

*BANK!*

I swear to Kirstie Alley’s ghost, one of these days…

Hey, it’s not MY fault dumb-dumb and the zombie live in a cabin atop a mountain, okay? These roads are windy!

It’s fine.

*the rustle of papers being shuffled*

*snicker*

Heh…so much for this bracket you made up.

Grrrrrr

I mean, you got twelve out of sixteen right…

Grrrrrrrrrrr

…but the important one…

First of all!

….I was right.

………………………………….

Yeah…well…

Listen, Sar, I-

No no, you were right to question if I was ‘ready’ to jump straight into that tournament. I have lots of ring rust, and while doing things like stealing Jim Jimsen’s birthday-

…I already hate that bit…

Hmmmm?

Nothing baby, love you so much!

Oh…love you, too…anyway, and sneaking passed a new guy who didn’t know what he was facing were cake…and making murderhobos cry, obvs…were easy things, it was a touch silly to think I could just go ‘BOOM! Main Event Wins BAY-BAY!’ I should have listened to you, my dear Beloved, and not entered the tournament. The Spinny Wheel of Disappointment, indeed. Just imagine if I had gotten an automatic win in the first round like some OTHER people whose name we WON’T mention at ALL.

“VAUGHNEMOUS!

I WILL DEFEND, YES I WILL DEFEND!

UNTIL I’M VICTORIOUS!”

Hey look, my sister’s calling. Talk about such a weird coincidence. Answer if for me will you, Beloved?

*CLICK*

Hey, Ang! How are-

LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH

*BELCH*

*CLICK*

……..wut

Looks like someone is still recovering from her Galentines Day bender. Pretty sure I can smell the appletinis from here.

Wonder if she ever got that plug back from Generic Heel?

Ew.

She’s got weird taste. Anyway, if I may quote Mother,-

Please don’t.

-we should be thankful for small victories. Truth be told, it’s either win the tournament or get out fast, ya know? More time to focus on Team HSU’s taggie team title defense coming up at March Madness. Which, coincidentally, is what my next match is all about. Trips with Atty and Blondie, who just so happens to-

"YOU LIKE TO THINK YOU'RE NEVER WRONG

YOU LIVE WHAT YOU'VE LEARNED"

What the-?

Oh, that’s Theo! Answer it, s'il tu plaît.

*CLICK*

‘Sup, Bossman?

~~wherein Theo Pryce informs Sarah that Blondie has asked for, and been granted, his release from the XWF. It’s super taciturn and straightforward, to the point where you automatically think he’s mad at you and/or doesn’t like you, but Vinnie and James swear that he’s totes coolio with you.

You know how he is~~

Well shit. There goes my entire approach to my match!

How so?

Going in, I KNEW why Atty was in the match, right? She’s just there to lose.

What do you mean?

What I mean is that this match has nothing to DO with Atty, ya know? It was axly just a showcase for Blondie and me before our taggie team championship match at the PPV. It was a chance for him and I to feel each other out, to test one another, and give everyone at home a little bit of juice for the upcoming Chardonnay vs. Team HSU battle. And Atty was there so that one of us could win, and the OTHER could avoid having to lose. Like, the whole point was to see who could make Atty lose FIRST. That was the real contest. Now…?

Hey, don’t shake your head so much! Your dumb braid almost blinded me.

Now I’m not sure EXACTLY why Atty’s in our We Totes Lost in the First Round matchup. Like, I get it, she’s always been kinda cute, and all, but she comes-and-goes more than I do…and that’s saying something…but without ANY of the success or change on the business I wrought. Sers legit, I don’t even know what her wrestling style is like! I’m pretty sure all she does is mope on twitter about her various failed relationships…don’t even get me started on that bastardization that was bunking with Fuzzy…and also don’t get me started on the office pool of how long she’s going to remain Mrs. Raven, family ties or no…and share sexual facts about her ancient homeland. And that’s, like, literally it. Hmmmm. Maybe I’ll use my burgeoning friendship skills within the XWF to talk to someone who knows her well, and who can tell me all about Atty’s fifty-seven one-week title reigns she’s had here and-

🎶"AND I GOT A BIG DICK, BIG DICK

BITCHES YE SWINGING ON ME BIG DICK"🎶

AUSSIE, AUSSIE, AUSSIE!

OI, OI, OI!

*CLICK!*

‘Sup, Noah!

How convenient of you to call!

………………

………………………..

……………………………………

……………………………………………………

CUNT!

DAMNIT!

Love ya, buddy!

*CLICK!*

As that abs insightful conversation highlighted, Atty’s reason in this match hasn’t been altered one bit by the sudden exit of my and Angelica’s next opponent. Atty’s still here to lose as quickly as possible so that she can fade back into the world of only being relevant on social media and out of the XWF without much more than the whiff of dove scat.

I wonder if we’re going to get any more convenient calls before we end this drive?

Nah, probs not. In fact, I-

"FREUDE, SCHÖNER GÖTTERFUNKEN

TOCHTER AUS ELYSIUM"

…I didn’t know Ode to Joy had lyrics.

You didn’t? Literally everyone knows that, Beloved.

Uh huh.

………………….

…………………………….

…gonna answer it?

Nope.

Why not?

Because our daughter needs to learn a lesson.

She’s not our daughter, Babe.

First of all, yes she is. Our beautiful, bouncing baby girl Dolly. And second?

*CLICK*

She’s getting that ghost until she’s ready to listen.

“This must be- HOLY TOM CRUISE!”

Kenzi screamed as Sarah spun the wheel with all her might and slammed down her heeled boot atop the break. The car spun in a circle twice before coming to a stop, now facing the opposite direction.

“THE HELL”

“Needed to make sure the trunk was facing the cabin, Beloved. Obvs.”

Sarah’s calm demeanor played at odds with Kenzi’s deep and ragged breaths. Sarah removed her phone from the dash and let her fingers fly.

Sarah is the Best, Sarah Number One
yer face is DUMB

“...the hell is that, now?”

“An apology.”

“I…what? Selena, in WHAT WORLD is THAT an apology?!”

Sarah’s shrug and sideways glance was full of disbelief.

“Mine. OBVS. She’ll understand.”

“We REALLY need to go over what ‘apology’ means. AND there’s no way that Ruby is going to accep-”

Super Dear'o
Hey, Lackers. Apology accepted 🤗

“See?”

“I…wut?”

Sarah is the Best, Sarah Number One
Come outside, gimpy!

Kenzi’s face was still a mask of confusion as Sarah got out of the car.

“C’mon, I need help with this thing!”

Kenzi’s braids whipped like a torrent within a tornado as she shook her head in continued disbelief, and she mumbled something about “...crazy white bitches..” but she still got out of the car.

“Hey, my gals!”

Outside the car, Kenzi was able to see Ruby at the door of the cabin, waving like a loon. And while dressed in a comfy sweatpants and shirt, the brace on her leg was undeniable.

“We have something for youuuuuuuu!”

Sarah’s sing-song voice was as irritating as usual, but Kenzi understood the true depth of Sarah’s shame over how she had acted towards Ruby last week. She herself would never accept a text calling her face dumb an apology, but this gift they brought…

With a push of a button, the trunk of their Trans-Am popped open, and the two G-Ls took the object within from either side and pulled it out. It was a wonder that they had been able to get it into the trunk in the first place, and the ordeal had taken no small amount of grunting, arguing, and fighting, but they had succeeded.

“Is that…?”

“My Wheelchair-”

“OF DOOM!”

Kenzi and Sarah opened up the ghastly thing and presented it in front of Ruby.

“As you can see, it’s got rockets, lasers, spikes, all sorts of things to keep away vile mother-in-laws and undead zombie boyfriends alike.”

Sarah patted the chair with true affection.

“Use this for a bit to rest that busted wheel of yours and you’ll be excelling at underwear football again before you know it. I noticed you didn’t retire from THAT.”

Sarah’s bitterness was clear in that last word, but Kenzi could see the light of amusement in Ruby’s eyes.

“So, in my last game, I-”

“First of all-”

Kenzi couldn’t help but smile as Sarah tried to badger Ruby into submission, only to have Ruby deflect the assault with ease.

All was right with the world.

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