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Lacklan · (01-31-2023)

Hello, Kido.

It occurs to me that you and I have never been properly introduced. So please, in the words of an old song, allow me to introduce myself:

HIIIIIIII-iiiiiiii! This is your reason for being, the dream of ALL the little girls in the world, one-half of THE reigning Taggie Team Champions, the Universal

FUCKING

CHAMPION

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Sarah Lacklan.

Hey, quick digression: Why do you repeatedly refer to me as “Sarah Selena Lacklan?” That is a name I haven’t used in YEARS. Yes, it’s the name I grew up with, and used VERY early in my career as a valet and manager, and through part of my rookie year. However, since August of 2017, when I got married and became Sarah Selena Grey-Lacklan, I have NEVER used that name. Within the ring, Kenzi and I use our maiden names, as in Sarah Lacklan and Kenzi Grey, as we realized real quick that using our legal names with the hyphen caused ALL KINDS of confusion for people. It is Grey-Lacklan? Lacklan-Grey? Sarah Grey? Kenzi Lacklan? People COULD NOT deal. SO! We just ditched all that from a professional perspective and simplified.

So why would you, a rookie wrestler, ever even THINK of me as Sarah Selena Lacklan, which hasn’t been used in ANY public capacity in over FIVE YEARS.

I mean, it’s not like you’ve KNOWN ME as that name, or anything.

Right?

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So then it hit me:

When I was young, as has been discussed before, a certain…um…comic series was published about me in Japan. Innocent enough, the tales of ”Buraddo Purinsesu!” were well known through the youth. As I got older…well…I mean…

Listen, Japan’s gonna Japan, alright? Manga turned to hentai and doujinshi.

Did a certain young man from Osaka dream of a certain red-eyed albino? Did said young man enjoy...heh..."enjoy" the comics about Sarah Selena Lacklan a bit too intimately?

It would make sense!

N-E-WAYS!

And who are you? Well, I know who you are…but we’ll get to that at the end, okay? Listen, so we’re all clear, and not just you, but to ALL the Baby Birds watching at home, I’m not here to make fun of you, okay? I’m not going to call you names, or make fun of your accomplishments, or belittle your victories. At best, that would be silly. And at worst, that would be downright hypocritical! Because there are a LOT of victories and successes that are shared by the two of us! You have, in this first year of competition, won the vast majority of your matches, been highlighted in some main events, almost went the distance in the Royalty of the Ring (I know what it’s like to see Bourbon’s hand raised when you’re in the same match!), carried your team at War Games, AND won the Uni title! That is a LOT of really, REALLY good stuff. And making light of those things (or at least most of them, we’ll get there) would be, as I said, silly and hypocritical. After all, I’ve done all of the things mentioned above, with a slight difference in overall success, and to smash anything you’ve done would be to smash my own successes, as well. That would be, like, Dumbassery Level: Chuck, ya know?

So what IS this about? Aside from the aforementioned proper introduction? It’s a plea. A plea from me to you:

Please, for the sake of my sanity, do something different.

You see, after the Spinny Wheel of Disappointment slotted the first round of the Royalty of the Ring being Kido vs. Lacklan, I gave myself the arduous…and I do mean arduous…task of watching every bit of Kido content I could get my perfectly-manicured-and-lotioned mitts on. And you know what I found?

The same thing, over and over.

Listen, I’m not saying that you say the same thing every time, okay? I’m not saying you do that “Hey, let’s just repeat my own stuff again and again!” bit that SOME PEOPLE in our illustrious company do. But, Sweet Jesus, Kido, you might as well! Like, I get it, we all have things we’re good at, right? Particular strategies, certain themes, etc. But here is, in a nutshell, every single Kido promotional video from your debut a year ago through your fight with Wright at Snow Job:

Story from your childhood which JUST SO HAPPENS to coincide PERFECTLY with your opponent this week

(hey, quick digression #RIPGILLY!

Listen, I’ve done the “lets tell a story from my youth” gig before, okay? Talked about training for larger opponents, delved into Teenage Goth/Vampire Sarah, Cheerleader Sarah, cute-as-FLAME Child Sarah, etc. But…buddy…you’ve done that A LOT. Like, I’m teetering on thinking of it as a touch too convenient…or just straight-up lazy.

Sorry, end of digression and back to your typical promotional video)

AND/OR

Adventure with a tenuous AT BEST connection to said opponent, typical held either within the city of the upcoming match and/or at the venue itself

(sorry, sorry, another aside. I like adventures that connect to the themes and abilities of my opponents, have gone on a TON, but wholly CRAP, get them some DEPTH, man. It takes a LOT to make a Star Wars adventure, a show literally about PEW PEW and LASERSWORD BATTLE plodding and sluggish, but you pulled it off!

Okay, back to what I was saying. Last time, promise.)

FOLLOWED BY

Standing on a mountain top/in a field of flowers/some other location, talking into a camera, wherein you exhaustively go over your opponent’s win/lose record within the XWF and attempt to make comparisons to how you yourself did against said opponents.

(ugh…gotta stop myself for a second here. Look, I totes dig breaking down rosters and matches and history, okay? I have done it TONS…just at Narcoleptic Ned! But…dude…you have GOT to work on supplying and applying CONTEXT to your work. Just stating So and So Beat So and So, but I Beat So and So and So and So so therefore I’m better is just so hotdamn lazy. When I do it, I provide the context and WHY X victory is more important and such. Please, please please please, do better about that. Have nuance! Don’t forget the platitude of “Good is the enemy of great!“

And do yourself a favor and stay away from that shitty "You called your opponents crap, so you are crap" take. It's...it's not gonna go well for you.

Okay, last digression for real this time)

Repeat yourself after a logical and natural ending so as to fluff up and maximize your time allotment.

(...sigh…your pacing is just SO BAD I CAN’T)

Allow the narrator to repeat what you already repeated for the same reason.

(I can rattle on for, like, an hour, and peeps are all “Oh dang, it’s over already? That went by FAST!” And then YOU can go for ten minutes and have peeps checking the time of the video after what feels like an eternity in their own personal hell and find themselves ready to leap off a bridge because it’s only about 10% of the way through)

Lion's roar that REVERBERATES

ANNNNNNNNND

That’s it.

Literally, that’s it.

I wish I was joking about that. Like, I wish I was just being a bitch and was intentionally dismissing your creativity and making the mundanity of it all be more pronounced than it is. But I’m not. That is what you have done against every single person, in every single match, with all stakes from opening curtain-jerker to the Uni title itself. You have recently pondered why you have, despite your incredible success and rocket-ship-up-the-butt rise up the ladder, been fully devoid of championship opportunities in the last few months?

That’s why, Kido. Because you, and your style, are so goddamn BORING.

Remember what I said about the Kido Diet? Get’s the job done but won’t excite you? That applies, like, a bajillion-fold a year later.

Now, I hear SOME PEOPLE out there going “But SARAH, how does what he SAYS have anything to do with what happens in the RING?!”

Everything.

The way you approach your opponent, the way you approach the mental aspect of this business, effects you in the ring, Kido. Just like how you do the same damn thing every week promotionally, I’ve seen you do the same damn thing physically. Same mindset, same moveset. Same mentality, same physicality. You lack the variety, creativity, and spontaneity to be GREAT, and thus you will forever just be GOOD.

And GOOD will never, ever cut it against me.

In the last few years, the XWF audience has seen me do a LOT of shit. Serious and silly. Grounded and creative. Soft and hard. Quiet and loud. They have seen me go deep into my psyche, giggle like I was a child, tear opponents down, lift them up with praise. They’ve seen me go shopping, doing housework, training in the ring, driving my car, recording vlogs, giving a tour of my family’s home, and train a pigeon to fight an owl. They’ve seen me work with my friends and family, FIGHT my friends and family. They’ve seen me succeed, fail, be broken, and laugh off threats, both idle and legit. They’ve seen me be the only person to cash in the 24/7 Briefcase the same night they won it…and get pinned by a cunt while wearing a raptor costume on Halloween. They’ve seen trips through time, visits to my psychiatrist, love and strife with my Beloved, and more marketing than half the roster combined.

And all of those facets? They have seen that translate into the ring. They’ve see me enforce my will and MAKE people wrestle within the rules of this business. They have seen me tear apart the ring when I was, in turn, forced to embrace the hardcore idiocy so many employ. They have seen me leap from the rafters, climb the Eiffel Tower, be covered in…something…outside Buckingham Palace, make the avatar of a time-traveling super soldier tap out like literally anyone else (funny story, that), and teach Dolly how to lose. All of my creativity, all of ME, from a promotional and mental standpoint is reflected in a variety of victories, championships, and accomplishments, each different than the one before.

But you? Just the same thing, over and over.

Listen, there will be those…possibly including you…who will try to point to the irony of me just giving you a vlog and saying “bE crEAtIvE fOr OncE,” but that is kinda the point. Next time? I’ll do something more enjoyable, okay? Maybe we’ll see me and the Mrs on a date. Maybe I’ll have a face-to-face with Dolly. Maybe I’ll let Jenny drag me to that “Raw Meat Bar” she’s been wanting to go to…because she’s a weirdo. Hell, maybe I’ll ask Betsy if I can borrow her Tardis so I can go back in time and actually SEE you jerking off to my old comics! It could totes happen!

But for now?

You’re not worth it. You’re not worth a zany adventure. You’re not worth introspection. You’re not worth me going into why I had to spend 657 GODDAMN DAYS on the shelf. You’re not worth ANYTHING but this simple, yet still creative, entertaining, and insightful, vlog of introduction and plea.

So, one last time, in case it got lost somewhere…and to get back to that thing I said at the beginning about how I already know you:

I am Sarah Lacklan, the

UNIVERSAL

FUCKING

CHAMPION

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And you?

You’re a bland, routine, formulaic, Mary Sue who is in SO OVER HIS HEAD that you might as well be wearing cement shoes, stuck at the bottom of the Mariana Trench, staring up into the darkness of an ocean never before blessed by the Sun’s light.

I swear to God, Kido

I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD, KIDO

If you come at me with your particularly vanilla brand of SAME SHIT, DIFFERENT DAY

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CHALLENGE ME

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