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Lacklan · (01-13-2023)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JIMMY!

Totes legit, I LOVE birthdays and think they should be celebrated! Though, it seems like I’m the only one in the fam who does so. Like, my Beloved, my spouse, my mate, the owner of the #SweetestBootyInALLTheLand, Kenzi, tries to avoid the day as much as possible. Sometimes I feel like Mother just sees them as another year of borrowed time. And my sister! Sweet Baby Jesus! She walks around in a widow’s shroud the entire WEEK before AND after her own birthday, pouring more self-loathing into the date my father’s wine servant popped her out than the entire collected works of Poe! But with this battle royal of yours, I assume that YOU consider them to be as joyful as I do, and because of that, I have decided to gift you FIVE presents!

First of all, we have this here Cameo! Now, I wasn’t sure if this service axly still existed or not, so I asked Roxy and she's all “Sure, bb” (you know how she is) and sent me a link to the application page for fightersfootfetish.com…again…so then I texted some friends like Dolly and Vita…but they didn’t return my texts…Sweet Jesus' blemish-free bottom, I SAID I was SORRY…and so THEN I decided to text a frenemy…but all Jenny did was text me back a gif of her sucking the blood out of a lamb and spitting it out like my mist…because she’s a weirdo…really need to get lunch with her…and THEN I figured, hey, let’s text a totes legit dum-dum and BOOM! Success!

“Yeah, that exists still, Lackersnacks! Let me send the link to through my Ruby Mobile and-”

N-E-Ways, I finally got all set up with this Cameo account to send this birthday message to you. Now, I haven’t gotten around to making some super-duper special Cameo-specific intro, so I hope you don’t mind my old vlog/podcast intro. It’s still, like, supes hot, so I’m sure you don’t mind. So, happy birthday!

And second: It’s SIIIIIINGIIIIIING TIIIIIIIME!

…ready girls? Sweet. I hope you enjoy this particularly difficult arrangement from the Lacklanland All Girls Show Choir, with me as the lead soloist, obvs…

Happy Birthday to Youuuuuuu!

Happy Birthday TO youuuuuuu!

Happy BIRTHHHHHDAYYYYYY!

Dearrrrrr

JIIIIIMMMM-BOOOOOOO!

HAPPY BIRTHDAYYYYYYY

TOOOOOO

YOUUUUUUUUU!

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Thank you, girls! There’s mulled wine in the lounge…needs more cloves, though…

Thirdly! I give you…THESE:

Aren’t these THE most amazing dolphin-inspired shoes, like, EVER?! Now, I can already hear you:

How do you have dolphin-inspired shoes, Sar?

Funny story, that. A couple years ago, right there in that XWF ring, ANOTHER bottom-dwelling, smelly, ugly, worthless, piece of flotsam floating in the sea of the wrestling world held themselves a battle royal. They even put up their own cash as a reward for the winner! And I, seeing an opportunity to score myself some extra shoe money (the Mrs. MAY have recently given me some lip about such purchases), I entered in and, to the shock of NO ONE, won! Because, as all the silly crybabies in the back will tell you, #LOLSarahWins. And I took that cash, grabbed my unnecessarily long-limbed sister, and went on a shoe-shopping spree! Hell, we even sang a SONG about it!

Shoes, glorious shoes!

Hot tall heels and knee highs!!

I’m always in the mo-od

SWEET heels and fla-ats!!

Thin straps and stilettos!

What next is the question?

Rich hawt chicks have it, girls --

In summation!

Love callbacks from 2019.

N-E-Ways, a pair of shoes from my vault purchased with said winnings from the Drezdin Open just so happens to be these babies! Now, I’ve only worn them once for that Ga(y)la event we did at SeaWorld, so it’s not like you’ll need to keep them from behind stolen by Tommy Wish or anything, but they DO still have at least the barest hint of my scent…the combo of lavender and marshmallow, though I doubt you’ve forgotten…and I’m sure you and your Cetacea fetish will fit just fine in them.

Oh man, as I look at these things, it takes me back to that battle royal. Leap of Faith from that year, ya know, same day I won the Anarchy Championship. That battle royal, aside from the eponymous Drezy, included some dumb shit like Barney and a vampire. And, like, not the coolio kind like the Big Double V, but the shitty kind like Mycroft. I beat the snot out of everyone there and took both Drezdin’s money AND glory, much to his regret.

You’ll feel that way soon, too.

Ya know, it’s interesting when I look at that little battle royal of yours. Lord Above knows who will show up for that thing…hell, peeps won’t even know about me until it’s too late…and I wouldn’t be surprised if we got another 6 or 7 people who titles when I was less years old than I have fingers…but I DO see that Ol’ Graveyboat has entered her name. Oh, yeah, Mikey-Boy’s a girl right now. Listen, try not to think about it too hard, okay? Some things are just easier when you just accept them and don’t think too hard. Like, sers legit, here’s a quick feature of one of my old bits to get that across:

- #CoolRankings, in association with Dark Goddess Productions, presents -

The Top Five Things You Just Need to Accept Because Thinking About How The Fuck That Could Be Will Just Hurt Your Head…at Least Since I’ve Been Back the Last Couple Weeks

#5: Whatever the FUCK happened to the prestige of the Anarchy Championship

#4: Graves becoming a girl…after being a boy…and I THINK this is the second or third time that particular cycle has occurred?

#3: Alias went on the Kido Diet (LOL!)

#2: Dolly’s ever-terrible taste in “men”

#1: Nappin’ Ned Kaye being relevant in any capacity whatsoever

So funny story about Graves: Couple years ago, I tossed him (was a Him at the time) off a scaffold where he, like, died. Literally died. Not sure if it was the broken neck/back or the drowning in a pool of his blood. That’s what he gets for thinking he could hurt Ruby. That’s MY job! But, hey, it’s been a couple of years, he’s gone on to probs rape a couple more dead bodies (totes true…maybe…) and in general acting like a Looney Tunes version of Uknown Soldier, who was HIMSELF a caricature of the manufactured devil worship from the 1970s. So, he’ll be there, too. I guess.

Fourth! THIS coolio cake:

And FIFTH?!

Leaping out of that cake?

Me.

But instead of the stripper of your dreams, you just get me.

And 657 days

Six hundred

And fifty-seven

DAYS

Jimmy

657 days since I’ve competed in a wrestling ring. Not just here in the XWF, but ANYWHERE. And I’m PISSED

Look, it’s not your fault

It’s not ANYONE’S fault

It's not because of a wrestler, or match, or even person

But FUCK are wretches like YOU going to PAY for each and every one of those 657 days I have had to endure.

LIsten, I’m not going to get into it. I WILL get into it, everyone will KNOW why there has been 657 days, but that’s not for the likes of you. Not for the likes of this silly match. For this? Just your pain and my anger.

It’s going to be a long day, Jimbo. On that day, I’ll return to the ring to face Mad Dog…and I’ll likely have to deal with watching my sweet sister lose her newly-won tag team championship to one amazing person and the filthy leech which has attached himself to her. Hell, maybe the TWO leeches in that match will cancel each other out and we’ll have a magnificent Dolly vs. Angie showdown, but I doubt it. I’m going to be angry. I’m going to be filled with angst. And I can think of NO better way of letting that out ahead of time than to ruin your little party.

And I AM going to ruin it, James.

657 DAYS JIMMY

Think of a sailor seeing his first land in 657 days

Think of someone seeing their beloved after 657 days

Think of a parent separated from their child for 657 days

THIS will be about me using YOUR party, YOUR match, as a warm-up

I am going to RUIN your party, RUIN your match

RUIN YOU

You will HATE birthdays going forward, Jimmy. You will LOATHE their coming. Forevermore, you will join my sister in wearing that widow’s shroud on your birthday because you will be reminded of the pain, the anguish, the frustration-

THE LOSS

657 GODDAMN DAYS, JIMMY

And I am going to make YOU…everyone in this stupid battle royal…everyone in the COMPANY….feel each and EVERY ONE of my 657 days on the shelf, each and every day of my career THAT I LOST because I’m Sarah Lacklan, the

XWF

UNIVERSAL

FUCKING

CHAMPION

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Happy birthday, Jimmy

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