When we last saw Charlie Nickles he was blazing down the highway to hell with no regrets, no remorse, and no idea where he was going. All he knew was that the Cannabis Cup was on the horizon, and his daughter was supposedly in the possession of a man on the lam. As Charlie pressed his pedal to the medal, the drug-addled man began to see strange things along the side of the road. Familiar things, familiar people. It was a familiar touch that caused The Nickleman’s vehicle to crash……..



So how did he get in the middle of a Yu-Gi-Oh trading card store?

Charlie Nickles, Thunder Knuckles, Bobby Bourbon, and Marf Swaysons are all standing around a glass case full of the most pristine duel monsters cards. Charlie looks like his usual ol’ self, except he’s wearing a black Kaibo Corp t-shirt. TK, Bobby, and Marf, however, all look significantly sweatier and cringier than usual. All three men wear BOB branded fingerless gloves and a weird combination of undersized and oversized trench coats. Bobby is wearing a coat that is far too small for him and beginning to rip at the seams. Marf is wearing a coat that is so gosh darn big he could just about use it as a blanket, and TK is actually wearing a perfectly fitted coat, but it’s turned inside out. For some strange reason every bastard except for Charlie also has insanely spikey anime hair.

These are some of the most powerful duel monsters cards I’ve ever seen! I dream about owning a deck with cards like these!

These are some of the most expensive monster cards I’ve ever seen! You don’t need any of this fancy schmancy bullshit, we have plenty of Man-Eating Fury’s in our BOB deck that are WAY BETTER than anything they have in this store- especially at these jackoff prices!

I don’t now TK, I haven’t seen duel monster cards this powerful since I spent that summer in Israel searching for ancient treasure!

Wait, you went looking for valuable treasure without me? What the fuck….did you find anything? I should still get my cut!

Unfortunately there’s nothing to split, TK, or else I would have called you right away. All I found in Israel was an old diaper that I mistook for the Israeli constitution, until I realized Israel doesn’t even have a constitution!

Wait, how old was it? Like, ancient?

No, like a couple hours old! I think the tour group before mine had left it there!

Um….can I help you boys find something?

Bobby, TK, and Marf all look up to the feeble old man who approaches them from the other side of the glass counter. Charlie Nickles, however, doesn’t seem to be looking anywhere in particular- his glossy eyes, pale lips, and cottonmouth betray his aloofness. The Nickleman seems to be caught in an almost trance-like state until the storekeeper places his elbows on the countertop and folds his hands together. The sound of the slamming flesh seems to snap Charlie out of it.

What the….where am I?!

Well that’s an easy one! You’re at my duel monsters trading card shop, my good lad! I have the best variety of dueling cards anywhere in the tri county area, and my prices are more than fair, I assure you! I’ll even go so far as to price match any offer made by my competitors!

Tri…county? Which counties?

Which counties? The three we’re in the middle of, silly!

Wh-wha

Bobby rolls his eyes as TK snickers to himself. Marf places a comforting hand on Charlie’s shoulder as he speaks calmly to him.

Dude, it’s the same tri county area we came to for the big duel monsters supershow tournament! The winner gets a really big cup, or something! I don’t remember. I was asleep during that meeting!

But which counties?

The storekeeper squints at a clearly intoxicated Charlie before giving another gander to every other member of the ragtag crew.

Is your friend here alright?

Yeah he’s fine, he’s just a little bit autistic.

Charlie’s autistic? Fucking since when?

He’s channeling it! He told me, in confidence, he was going to try to be more autistic with his promotional work, so that way he’ll get more appreciation, like a young Vincent Van Gogh, or a very old and senile Picasso who insists on painting with his flaccid penis.

Do you mean artistic?

Not at all.

Charlie looks around at the familiar faces as a wave of confusion washes over him. The storekeeper is growing increasingly suspicious as he notices the sweat dripping profusely from The Nickleman’s body. The last thing Charlie remembered was crashing along the side of the road….so where the hell was he now?

Where the hell am I?!

Dude….still the same three counties! The same ones as always! Pryce County, Lane County, and Barrows County.

I still don’t understand why they don’t call it Barrows Burrow.

Cause they’ve got no imagination Bobby, none at all. Not like us!

Yeah! We’re so imaginative we could take any existing piece of media, and we could make a version of it that is slightly adjusted to acknowledge our existence!

Damn right! TNGB 4 LYFE! TNGB ABOVE ALL!

Ya’lls bromance is starting to get a bit much now. You haven’t even played duel monsters as a team in like, a year.

Bobby and TK no-look fistbump as Marf cringes and the shopkeeper rolls his eyes.

So were you boys looking to get some cards, or?

Cards?

Charlie leans his head forward as he squints at the little manlet shopkeeper. Charlie’s gaze slowly drifts down until he sees the various duel monster cards inside the glass case, sparkling gloriously beneath the refracted lights. Their dazzle and glitz catches Charlie’s glossy eye and he can’t help but put his whole face and fingers on the glass case to get as close as possible to the cards.

Yes….this IS a duel monsters card shop, after all. But before we go any further, could you please get off the glass?

But they’re so shiny…like Goldi was….

Bobby grabs Charlie by the shoulders and gently pulls him back just a few inches, so that he is still plenty close to the cards locked inside the case.

Sorry about him, He’s getting over a pretty bad breakup. You know how those things go, I’m sure of it.

Oh yes, I’ve been there many times before. He’s trying to heal his broken heart with duel monsters? I think most men have been there once or twice by the time they get to my age in life. That explains the glossy look in his eyes and his rapid breathing! I was starting to worry about the boy. Now, I’m not worried at all. He just needs to get his deck fixed right up and he’ll be happier than a pair of blue eyes inside of a white dragon!

Charlie looked up at the storekeeper, breaking his fixation on the cards for a moment, simply to shake his head at the aged children’s game enthusiast.

What the fuck are you talking about, old man? Just tell me how to play this card game! I bet I’ll be pretty good at it, because I always keep an ace or two up my sleeve!

The storekeeper can’t contain a few chuckles as he places his hand over his tummy in joy. A big ol’ smile spread across his lips as he corrects The Nickleman’s mistaken information.

Well not even the Ace of Spades will help you in this card game, young man. The cards in duel monsters decks are unique and special, like nothing you’ve ever seen before. You could swear they almost come alive during a game, I tell you the artwork seems to pop right off the card! It’s incredible.

So how the hell do you play? Is it like chess where white people always get to make the first move or something?

Have you ever played duel monsters? Or chess?

Nope.

Wait, Charlie- you played me chess with me just a couple weeks ago!

Mark Flynn and I were playing North Korean checkers, buddy. I wasn’t really sure what the fuck you were doing with your pieces, but far be it from ME to try to DQ anybody else!

Marf groans as he buries his face into the palm of his partially gloved hand. TK and Bobby just roll their eyes and cross their arms in unison as the feeble old man leans over the counter to explain all the intricacies of his favorite children’s game.

There are no suits in this game, but there are numbers and they are incredibly important. Each combat card in duel monsters has an attack number and a defense number. The two duelists take turns attacking their opponent with the monsters they have on the field in the attack position. The first player to eliminate the other player’s life points wins the duel. But be warned: your opponent monsters will do everything they can to defend their player’s life points! You’re going to have to get through them before your monsters can hit your opponent directly!

The Nickleman scratches his head in confusion.

Is uh…is that it?

Well there’s also a bunch of spell and trap cards and hoodaws and hoodees, but for a novice like yourself I recommend taking it slow. No need to jump in the deep end on your first day of duel monsters!

Well I don’t know about all that…

As the assembled bastards watch Charlie Nickles get a first-class lesson in duel monster mechanics, the bell hanging off the front door of the shop suddenly chimes. Everyone turns around in awe as an unexpected champion steps through the door. Marf shakes his head in anger as the champion slowly walks down the aisles of the trading card store. The newcomer’s slippery footsteps echo through the shop, the sound of his approach bouncing off the walls with each leathery step. TK and Bobby pretend like they aren’t sweating a little bit, but truthfully we all know they are. The shopkeeper swallows the knot in his throat, knowing full well that if he doesn’t cut this champion a great deal he may well end up in a concentration camp somewhere.

Ca-can I help you, sir?

If you can’t, it thertainly wouldn’t surprithe me! Bwahahaha!

The newcomer throws his head back in roarous laughter at his own witty response. Bobby, TK, and Marf all puff their chests out, but that doesn’t seem to intimidate the champion.

Why are you all acting tho tough? I’ve beaten you all every time we’ve dueled!

Charlie finally turns around and just starts shaking his head at the cocky newcomer.

And just who the fuck do you think you are? I have half a mind to turn your lisp into a lifelong stutter if you don’t start showing some respect.

Charlie, it’s him! Don’t you remember?!

Wait….

Charlie leans forward and gets all up in the newcomer’s personal space. The Nickleman squints his eyes real hard to try and get a good look at the man everyone seems so afraid of.

Mike Tyson? What the fuck are you doing here?

I’m not Mike Tython!

Well you sure sound like him….

Fucking aye Charlie, that’s North Korean War Criminal! He has NEVER lost a sanctioned 1-on-1 duel in the western hemisphere!

He has my old dueling title for a reason, Charlie!

Charlie turns back around to the assembled bastards incredulously.

Are you fucking kidding me? War Crim is like, half the size of Tyson, and probably five times as smart. This big black boxer isn’t NK.

Yeth I am!

Charlie sighs before turning back around to face Mike Tyson.

No, you’re not.

Yeth I am!

No…you’re not!

Charlie and Mike are now screaming in each other’s face as their foreheads butt up against each other. Tyson and Nickles press each other back and forth for positioning until Bobby Bourbon steps between the two men to break them apart with his fingerless gloves and anime haircut.

Wait wait wait wait hold up, I think there’s a misunderstanding here. Charlie: Mike Tyson isn’t THE North Korean War Criminal. He is A North Korean War Criminal. It’s a nuanced distinction.

Him and Dennis Rodman are both traitors in my eyes!

I can’t believe people don’t talk about Mike Tyson’s treason more often.

I can’t believe people don’t talk about Mike Tyson’s felony rape conviction more often!

Wait wait wait…why the fuck would Mike Tyson throw his lot in with the North Koreans?

They promithed to fix my lithp!

Well…they didn’t.

It’th a work in progreth!

The four bastards look amongst each other with strained expressions before letting out a collective ‘ehhhhhhh’. Even the shopkeeper starts stroking his chin in bewilderment after that one!

Thtop it! Thtop it! I’ll beat you all in a duel! I’m tho much more important than any of you, I’ve thold out Madithon Thquare Garden ath a duel monsterth champion before! I’m bigger than any of you will ever be!

I mean none of us have beaten you at duel monsters, that’s definitely true- so why are you even hanging around the same shops as us? Shouldn’t you be off defending your championship against someone who’s NOT us- for once?

Not that it’th any of your buthineth, but I came here to thee the card I thaw in the ad!

Oh, and which ad was that? Were you looking for my green eyes, red shadow dragon? Or maybe my Skull Torment-

The five pieceth. Do you have them, or was it all just a cheap ploy to get high-rollers like mythelf into your thitty little thtore?

Oh, I have them!

The shopkeeper smiles with pride as he taps on the very same glass case Charlie was just pressed against. In fact, Charlie’s fingerprint and nose print are still visible on the glass. Nevertheless, a North Korean War Criminal (played by Mike Tyson) pushes past the bastards before crouching down and staring into the glass case he’s being directed towards.


I can’t believe it…you DO have them!

I told you I had them in the ad!

A North Korean War Criminal looks up at the shopkeeper with genuine surprise.

I jutht thought you were lying, you know, like a North Korean War Criminal would.

Mike Tyson places his fingers on the glass as he looks down at the powerful cards in awe, but the shopkeeper doesn’t seem to mind when he does it.

They can be all yours: for the small price of $10 million X-bux!

Haha! You’ll never be able to afford those cards!

Only $10 million? Yeah, Kim Jong Un gave me more than enough to cover that.

...shit!

But wait….I wanted those cards. They looked so cool!

But Charlie, you just said you don’t even know how to play duel masters. Which is weird, because it was your idea for all of us to come to this shop and look for new and unique dueling cards.

I can learn!

Mike Tyson pulls a huge wad of X-bux out of his wallet before turning back and guffawing like a douchebag in the face of the defeated bastards.

You wouldn’t even know what to do with cardth ath powerful ath thith! You’d probably throw them away, or trade them for crack rock!

Mike Tyson turns back to the shopkeeper and goes to hand him the big fat wad of x-bux. The wad of money is just about to hit the shopkeeper’s hand when Charlie blurts out once more…

Well….I’ll duel you for the cards in that case!

Mike Tyson drops the money on the countertop before turning around with a smarmy smirk on his not-so-North-Korean face.

Me? Duel you? I would have more of a challenge pleathuring mythelf inthide of a thleeping bag! I have never lotht a one-on-one duel in MY LIFE. You wouldn’t even latht two minuteth in a duel againtht me.

So what do you have to lose?

My time.

Charlie’s heart drops as a North Korean War Criminal turns back around and places the dirty x-bux money in the hand of the feeble old man. The shopkeeper looks happy as can be while he unlocks the glass case and carefully removes the five pieces of Exodia. While the shopkeeper sets to work individually wrapping and packaging each individual card, Thunder Knuckles cracks a sly grin as he recalls the implications of some Mike Tyson trivia he recently learned. TK stepped up to the counter as an idea began to form in his head.

Well….did you want to take a turn with the girl I have tied up in the back of my van?

Mike Tyson raises a curious eyebrow as TK deadpans his offer. The shopkeeper looks up with an uncomfortable expression, but he doesn’t say anything because his shop can’t afford to lose this sale.

You’re fucking with me, aren’t you?

Nope. You see these really cool fingerless gloves I always wear? Read em’. B-O-B. That means we’re Bastards, and between me and you, I think we know how bastards get down. Unless….you’re too pussy to put some ‘Criminal’ in your North Korean War!

TK gives Tyson a nudge and a wink, and the Kim Jong Un sanctioned War Criminal looks like he’s thinking it over. Bobby is rolling his eyes, clearly seeing where this is guying. Marf and Charlie, meanwhile, both look as excited as can be.

We have a girl tied up in a van?!

Well why the hell are we even hanging out in this store like a bunch of queers?!

Because the better cards you have, the more pussy you get!

It’th true.

TK and Tyson nod their heads affirmatively to Marf and Charlie while Bobby hangs his head in shame. Then, TK turns back towards the lesser known North Korean War Criminal.

If you beat Charlie in a duel, I’ll let you have a go with our girl. If Charlie beats you, he gets those cards. Sound fair?

Well not really, because for 10 million x-bux I could buy a lot of puthyy…..but there’th jutht thomething compelling me to thay yeth to thith! I gueth I jutht don’t know what the word ‘no’ meanth!

The shopkeeper gingerly places all five individually wrapped cards on the countertop as the bad faith negotiation naturally came to a close.

So…who am I giving these cards to? I’ve already pocketed the money, and this store has a strict no refunds policy!

Everyone in the room looks at a North Korean War Criminal as he contemplates his options. Tyson puts a finger to his chin for a few seconds as he thinks it over. Then, Tyson finally blurts out his answer.

I’m game! I’ll play for thothe termth!

Fuck yeah! You hear that Charlie? You’re going to get the chance to win those fucking awesome cards! Just use that BOB deck you have and there’s no way you could lose, even if you somehow have forgotten the rules to the card game we all like to play together! And hey….where did your fingerless gloves and anime hair go? You know what nevermind, fuck it, we don’t have time for explanations right now! You’ve got cards to win!

He’th not going to beat me! Not in a million yearth! Like I said, probably A LOT by now, I’ve never loth a duel!

Well then: come to our game table! I’ll set the life point meters back to 5,000 a piece!

The little shopkeeper wobbles over to a very futuristic looking gaming table before turning it on and adjusting a few knobs. North Korean War Criminal Mike Tyson, a world renowned champion duelist, confidently takes a seat and pulls his deck of cards out from his pocket. Charlie, meanwhile, is walking behind Tyson and the shopkeeper alongside his bastards. Marf is rubbing Charlie’s shoulders while they walk as Bobby and TK give him some much-needed advice.

So here’s what you’re going to need to do….just keep playing Man-Eater Fury every play! We put a bunch of them in our BOB decks, so you really won’t have any other choice!

And remember, North Korean War Criminal hasn’t won a match without his Flynn card in years. If you stop him from playing those old familiar toons, you might just win the game

I have no idea what the fuck you all are talking about.

Just get your BOB deck out, you got this!

Charlie starts patting himself down and searching his pockets for a deck of cards- but he has no luck. There’s absolutely nothing of the sort in his possession.

I don’t have a deck…

What do you mean you don’t have a deck?! On the drive over here we all put our decks in order together, so they’d all be pretty much the same! Damn it, Chuck! Did you leave your BOB deck in the same porta potty that you left your BOB fingerless gloves in? Shit, whatever, you know what? Just take my deck! You’ll be fine!

TK reaches into his pocket and pulls out a deck of cards that he shoves into Charlie’s hands. Marf goes from massaging Charlie’s back to forcing Charlie down into the seat across the table from Mike Tyson, one of the most secretive and underground North Korean War Criminal monster duelists of all time.

You got this….maybe.

TK, Marf, Bobby, and the shopkeeper all back off a little bit as Tyson and Nickles sit down at the gaming table across from each other. There is a small holographic monitor near each player that reads ‘5000 LP’.

So…who goes first?

I do. Duh.

Mike Tyson draws five cards off the top of his deck. He looks the cards over and starts to smile.

Oh, you really don’t have a hope now. Have I told you that I’ve never lotht a duel one-on-one?

Yeah, about as often as I tell people that I pinned Alias for a belt.

And there’th a reathon for that!

Tyson lays a card down vertically on the table, in the attack position!

Well now that was an odd move for a world renowned champion. That card isn’t helpful at all, ever.

Not a good move, maybe Charlie really does have a chance!

Just wait til’ the toons come out…that’s when Tyson really gets going….or as he would say, ‘getth going’!

I end my turn.

Charlie looks at the card on the field then down to the cards in his deck. He repeats what his opponent did by drawing five cards into his hand. Charlie looks over the cards he drew, clearly none too impressed: although it’s unclear if Charlie is actually able to understand what the cards he drew actually do. So, he just kind of places a card down randomly, in a horizontal position.

I guess my turns over…

Oh that’s a good card.

It’s a bit overrated, admittedly.

Nah Marf, it’s a TNGB classic, that means it’s always on-point! But why did Charlie play it in defensive position?

Ohhhhh. Rithky move, Chuckleth. Thee if it payth off. Now, I play TWO spell cards, face down! And I end my turn.

Two face down cards go down behind the Big D card. Charlie just kind of scratches his head before playing another card from his hand vertically, in what is considered the attack position.

Oh thit….

Oh hell yeah! That’s one of the best monsters in my deck! There’s no way Charlie can fuck this up!

So I guess, um, that I’m going to order an attack. I want the legend guy to like, go fuck up that stupid little knight you have.

Tyson begins to chuckle softly from behind the table.

Hahahaha you fool! You played that card in the DEFENSIVE position, meaning you’d have to move it to an offensive position before you could even attack with it!

Charlie, use that card’s special ability instead! It’s really, really good!

Uhm, okay. I’m going to use the card’s special ability instead.

You’re going to take your chanceth, eh? Okay. Who hath a quarter?

I have a dime! Here, Charlie, flip this three times!

Okay.

Bobby tosses the dime over to Charlie, who easily catches it. The Nickleman, still not quite sure what is going on, flips the coin over once.

It lands on tails.

The Nickleman picks the coin up and flips it again.

It lands on tails.

Mike Tyson starts to look giddy. Unbeknownst to Charlie, the bastards seem incredibly worried by how this is going. Either way, Charlie picks the dime up and flips it again.

Heads.

One head!

So?

Lucky you.

The shopkeeper springs to action like a referee and removes Charlie’s blue eyes white dragon from the field, pushing it into a discard pile at the edge of the table!

Hey, what are you doing?!

Your card got destroyed! Your turn is over!

What the fuck?!?! How?!?!

The game carries on without anyone answering Charlie’s question, much to his frustration and much to Tyson’s bemusement.

I now play my North Korean War Criminal card in the attack position, alongside my lord of D!

Wait…I thought you were NKWC? You don’t look anything like that card! That’s like, cheating!

No, Charlie- Tyson is A North Korean War Criminal. Someone no one really knows anything about is THE North Korean War Criminal. Tyson has gone through developments and changes throughout his career, but THE North Korean War Criminal never has. That’s the easiest way to remember the difference between the two!

THUT UP! And watch me beat your friend! North Korean War Criminal…attack his Bourbon!

Well we all know what happens when those two face off…

The shopkeeper reaches up to the table and takes away the Bourbon of Legend card, much to Charlie’s dismay.

Hey, what did you do that for?! I don’t have any other cards out to protect my life points!

His attack destroyed it! Don’t worry tho, sonny: you didn’t lose any Life Points yet, because you wisely placed that card in the defensive position!

BIG D, ATTACK!

Aaaaand now you’ve lost life points.

The shopkeeper messes with a few buttons and knobs on the gaming console, and Charlie’s life points sink to ’3800’.

That’s not good.

Not at all…

I end my turn!

Charlie looks at his depleted life points and gulps before drawing some cards to fill out his hand. He peruses the cards in his possession as he bites his bottom lip, as if he is thinking up some deep strategy.

I’m going to uh, play this spell card face down and all secret like, like you did with yours.

A spell card gets placed on the field face down.

And then….

Charlie squints at the monster cards in his hands as he tries to decide his next course of action. Mike Tyson grins like a wolf from across the table, already physically excited over the thought of his next criminal assault.

I’m going to play this card face down, too, because fuck you! Then I end my turn.

Charlie places a monster card face down in the defensive position before turning control of the board back over to a North Korean War Criminal. Tyson draws another card into his deck and immediately starts laughing quietly to himself. TK, Bobby, and Marf look between each other with unsettled faces before Tyson finally gets a hold of himself and makes his big move.

It’th like that TV Thow I stared in all over again……becauthe it’th TOON WORLD TIME!

The watching bastards all groan in unison as Tyson plays the hated spell card.

Well sonny that card does require you to sacrifice 1000 life points. You sure you want to do that?

Of courthe!

The shopkeeper shrugs as he uses some knobs on the table to reduce Tyson’s life points to ’4000’.

Then, I use Toon World to summon TOON MAGICIAN FLYNN!

Oh no…it’s his best card!

It’s the only card he’s ever won a one-on-one duel with!
And….I FLIP my spell card over to activate TOON TRANSFIGUTATION, combining my North Korean War Criminal Card WITH my Flynn Toon card to create….THE XWF TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS!

Oh this is getting downright unfair…

TAG CHAMPS…..ATTACK HIS DEFENDER!

I have a hunch how this is going to go…but we need to see for sure…

The shopkeeper flips over Charlie’s hidden card to reveal a much weaker monster, but one with a very special ability.

Ooooowww….what a shocker! You don’t lose any life points AND you get to destroy 1 of your opponents cards on the flip! Which one do you want to destroy?
Dang it!

Umm…..the cartoon tag guys, I guess.

The shopkeeper removes both the man-eater card and the Flynn-Crim transmogrification card.

Whatever, I’ll thummon them back soon and thtill beat you! Now I command my Big D to attack my opponent directly!

Everyone cringes before the shopkeeper reduces Charle’s Life Points in the game once more. Now, Charlie’s Life Points read ’2600’ while Tyson’s points read ’4000’.

Your turn, unleth you want to jutht give up already!

Me? Give up? Pfft.

Charlie rolls his eyes at the very suggestion as he starts looking through the cards in his hand. Bobby, TK, and Marf watch on eagerly from the sidelines as Charlie tries to strategize a comeback in a children’s card game he doesn’t understand.

I guess this one looks cool.

Charlie places the monster card down in the horizontal defense position.

Oh, what a fine move! Since your opponent only has 1 creature left on the field, the card’s special effect will be applied to his Lord of Big D!

Whatever. And I also want to play this spell card facedown, like a pussy, like the way he plays his! And then I end my turn.

Mike Tyson looks at Charlie Nickles with a mean scowl before rearranging his hand. Eventually, he decides to just flip over one of the spell cards he has laying facedown on the table!

I’m equipping my comic hand to YOUR Thleeping Marf, thereby nullifying your impact on my Big D, AND putting your monthter under MY control! Ath thuch, I flip it into the attack pothition tho that I can attack you with it next turn!

And then, I command my Big D to attack my opponent directly…AGAIN!

Oh no, not the comic hand! The comic hand card has been the bane of our existence ever since we started dueling the North Koreans! They take control of our monsters and turn them into stupid parodies…we haven’t been able to beat this move yet!

God damn it Charlie, pull off a miracle!

The shopkeeper cringes as he removes more Life Points from Charlie’s total, bringing his LP counter down to ‘1400’.

Come on Charlie, you can do this!

Your friendth are lying to you, you can’t do thith! No one can do thith againtht me! Your turn, punk!

Charlie Nickles looks at his depleting life points, then back to the board. He thinks he’s starting to get the gist of the game, but when he looks at his hand he visibly gulps, because the cards he has left are terrible.

Well I um….well…..I guess I should probably like, use one of the secret cards now, or whatever. I don’t remember what it does anymore, but uh, I’m going to play it.

Charlie flips over his face-down spell card and reveals it to be a MYSTICAL SPACE TYPHOON!

OH SNAP!

WOAH!

Charlie, you fucking idiot, why didn’t you flip that over earlier?!?!

Huh? What’s it do?

It eliminates your opponent’s Toon World card, thereby destroying his Comic Hand card, thereby destroying YOUR Sleeping Marf that was in his control, thereby only leaving one face up card left on the field in it’s entirety!

Mike Tyson pounds the table in frustration as the Toon World card, the Comic Hand card, and the Sleeping Marf card are all wiped away from the field of play as a result of the typhoon.

And then I’ll play this monster card face-down in the defensive position, as well. Your move, War Crim.

Charlie plays another monster card face down as control of the board switches over to Tyson once more. Tyson draws a card to fill his hand before grinning widely.

Heh heh heh, looks like you’re going to be done for soon, because I drew another TOON WORLD, and I’m sacrificing 1000 Life Points and I am once again playing TO-

Not so fast!

Charlie flips over the last facedown card he had left in the spell/trap category.

Charlie looks around for confirmation.

Does this card do anything?

You’re darn right it does!

The shopkeeper ushers the two new cards off the board before deducting some Life Points from Tyson. Now the score reads ‘3000’ to ‘1400’.

Grr….I command BIG D to attack!

God damn it, Again?

AGAIN!

Everyone cringes expectantly as the Big D card attacks the hidden defensive card…which is another MAN-EATER FURY!

DANG IT!

The storekeeper takes both the man-eater and the Lord of Big D off the board.


Your turn, sonny!

Mike Tyson pounds the table in frustration. Tyson anxiously holds onto the cards in his hand as he leans forward over the table, clearly ready for his next move already. Bobby leans over to the side and catches a quick glimpse of the cards in Tyson’s hand. Bobby whispers his findings over to TK and Marf

He has summon monster, and another Toon World…if Charlie doesn’t win this turn, Crim is just going to sacrifice another thousand life points before bringing back his tag team abomination and winning the duel.

So Charlie has to win it all on this turn….he could do it, because Tyson doesn’t have any monsters out to defend him!

But what monster creature does Charlie have that can do more than 3,000 damage?! I built the deck, and he already lost the Blue Eyes White Dragon!

The three watching bastards turned back to the game table nervously as Tyson and Charlie held onto their cards with nervous deathgrips. Charlie looked between all the cards in his hand, and it was clear that none of them were going to get the job done.

You still need to draw one more to begin your turn, sonny.

Charlie looked over at the shopkeeper and nodded before his gaze drifted down to the deck Thunder Knuckles had loaned him. The Nickleman ignored the mocking laughter of his opponent as he reached down and touched the top card of his deck. Charlie closed his eyes and exhaled slowly, pushing all the fear and anxiety out of his body with the labored breath. As Charlie reached down for a miracle he placed his trust in the heart of the cards. Charlie pulled the card up and revealed it to everyone before opening his eyes and cracking the world’s most joyous grin.

I PLAY NICKLEMAN THE TORMENTOR….AND I COMMAND HIM TO ATTACK MY OPPONENT DIRECTLY!

FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! GET FUCKED!

The three watching bastards jump up and down in cheery unison as the shopkeeper’s eyes pop out of his head. Mike Tyson just slinks back in his seat as soon as the card smacks down on the gaming table. Tyson’s life points drop to ’0’ as the duel comes to a swift and sudden end.

Charlie stands up from the table and extends his arms out at his sides, reveling in his victory. A few seconds later his bastardy brothers rush over to him before they throw him up on their shoulders like he just scored the big touchdown his team needed to win the game.

You did it, you actually did it! Charlie Knuckles did it!

You fucked him right up, Charlie! I always knew you had him!

Hell yeah, Charlie! That was aweso-wait, where the fuck is he going?

The shopkeeper rushes out of the way as the three bastards abruptly let Charlie Nickles drop to the ground. Mike Tyson, meanwhile, is walking away from the gaming table with all five cards of Exodia held in his left hand.

He holds all the cards! But he shouldn’t! This is like major deja vu!

Hey, get back here! You lost to Charlie fair and square!

FUCK YA’LL!

Mike Tyson walks up to an exterior wall of the building and straight up punches a black hole through it. A North Korean War Criminal turns back around and spits at the Bastards before he walks into the black hole in the wall with the cards in his grasp. Charlie picks himself up off the floor and briefly dusts himself off before he turns to TK.

Shit, did that prick just take the cards with him?

Yep. You better go chase after him!

I would, but…

Charlie looks around the room sheepishly, or perhaps for any trace of law enforcement.

You said something about a girl in a van?

TK and Bobby simultaneously facepalm.

It was a lie, Charlie! I just said to get Mike Tyson to play, because Bobby pointed out earlier that he was a convicted rapist! Jesus Christ….just go get those cards back!

Charlie: TAKE A LAP AROUND THE UNIVERSE AND GO GET ER’ DONE!

Fuck….alright.

Charlie sighs and shrugs before he jogs lackadaisically through the black hole that a North Korean War Criminal (played by convicted rapist Mike Tyson) punched through the wall.

What is there to say about NKWC that hasn’t already been said?

Everyone already says he plays second fiddle in a two-man band.

Everyone already knows he has the same politics as guys like Demos, Stalin, and Obama.

Everyone can already tell that he can’t even get an invite to join CCPE.

It should be clear by now that he fucking sucks at Yu Gi Oh duels.

And I’d bet 10 million x-bux that his cock is smaller than Raion Kido’s.

Simply put NKWC has a place in this company and everyone knows where it is: alongside Mark Flynn in the tag division. NKWC can brag and boast about his singles record as much as he wants, the fact of the matter is he’s never done it big time on his own. Wins over Bobby Bourbon are good, but even Ned Kaye and Calypso can be that level of ‘good’ from time to time. To beat Charlie Nickles in a grudge match, you’re going to have to be flawless.

You know why, Kimmy Chong?

Because Charlie Nickles is the most flawed man on the roster.

And that’s the very core of our grudge, Mr. NKWC. Your singles record looks perfect, flawless- but mine is full of bullet holes and festering wounds. That’s why I hate you. That’s what makes this a ‘grudge’ match. If you cease to wrestle flawlessly, NKWC, then we cease to have a grudge…and you cease to have a chance. If you’re not flawless in singles, if you’re not Alias or NKWC….then you just can’t beat Charlie Nickles in 2022. If this stops being a grudge match….then it’s just going to turn into a murder.

Can you be flawless, NKWC, when you don’t have a partner there to cover up all your weak spots? You beat me twice before in the tag division, but we all know the cards were stacked in your favor both times. I didn’t bitch and moan about it, I just pushed through knowing the odds, because I will always fight to the death. Bourbon’s heart wasn’t in it, he couldn’t bring himself to tag with anyone but Tee-Kay: and Marf couldn’t bring himself to tag with anyone but Lycana. I went to war with them anyways, because The Nickleman will never fold his hand: but this time, NKWC? It’s just going to be us, dancing alone. No one else is in the cards for tomorrow night.

Are you sure you can handle that? Are you sure you’re ready to stand in the ring on your own? Do you even know what your own weaknesses are, what attacks you have to protect against  and look out for?

I wear my weaknesses like a badge of honor on my sleeve. My failure, my mistakes, my bad choices and my difficult decisions: those are what define me. I take risks, night after night, card after card, because it’s the way I choose to live my life. My failures in the tag division, my failure to become the uni champ, my failure to have turn gold to flesh….I’ve never run from these failures. I ran towards them, and baby, I’m still fucking running!

I failed as a father, I failed as a lover, I failed as a champion….my grudges with this world run deep- and they are all just tributary rivers from my bloody grudge with NKWC. Every other spillway of bad blood in my life these last few months has flowed from the mouth of this very river. It was always Criminal, never Flynn, who lit the signal fire behind this smoke. It was Criminal, not Flynn, who pinned me before Leap of Faith and brought my momentum to a halt. It was Criminal, not Flynn, who laid me down beneath those bright lights. My grudge is with Criminal and Criminal only, not Flynn.

That’s why this is my grudge match, my darlings- and that’s why I’m going to give NKWC everyfuckingthing I have. I don’t care if it leaves me in a worse position for the Cannabis Cup, I don’t care if I come out the other side of this match injured, deformed, or crippled for life: so long as I come out of this match with NKWC’s hide I’ll be content with my decisions.

You see folks I’m a flawed, flawed man…so deeply flawed…but I’ve never failed to understand who my true enemies are- and NKWC is a true enemy. But Flynn? Not so much. Raion Kido already showed the whole wide world the kind of man that Flynn is when he has to stand on his own. Flynn has never pinned me, Flynn has barely ever laid a hand on me.

So it’s the Criminal who must pay for all their transgressions.

I know I have the Cannabis Cup on the horizon, but I just can’t get this grudge off my mind. Everywhere I turn, someone’s got something to say about my loss to NKWC. Raion, Dolly, and Alias are all drinking from the same poisoned pond- and everyone is lapping it up like it’s something special. Like it’s something I won’t rectify…they should know better by now.

I called you out for this match, NKWC, because I need to make an example out of you. I need to teach everyone in the XWF their whens, whys, and whats. Tomorrow night is WHEN I’m going to show them WHY you don’t FUCK with The Nickleman and WHAT happens if you do! So go ahead NKWC, bring your cheap laughs, bring your cheap tricks, bring your best friend Mark Flynn: bring every damn thing you have, so that way when I put you down for the count there’s not a damn doubt in anyone’s mind that I’m the better man one-on-one.

This isn’t about championship belts, this isn’t about who beat who when, this isn’t about tag team wrestling and this isn’t about Alias. If NKWC thinks it’s about any of those things, then he’s already taken his eye off the ball…and I’ll have to Devil Hook Drop him back to reality!