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Prof. Bobby Bourbon · (05-04-2022)

Last Minute Ned, waiting until everybody has gone to bed to air his promos. Partly because more important people needed the airtime, and Ned sucks the air out of everything anyhow, so they just save his material to put up against infomercials. Ned doesn’t mind, though, and you know why? Because Ned is afraid of what I’ll say about him. Heh, think long and hard about that, Neurotic Little Ned is terrified of what I, Bobby Bourbon, will say about him, so scared that he won’t open his mouth to say anything useful against me, and why he’ll be okay with me not noticing if he does fail to keep my name out of his mouth. Ned is afraid of what others will say about him, which is why Ned is just a Ned and I’m the Grand High PooBOB. Ned, let me educate you, firsthand, that you don’t have to be afraid of what people say about you, no. Not in the least, not in this industry. You need to be afraid of what will happen to you in that ring come Wednesday Night when, instead of being in the fucking Main Event like I deserve, I have to trot out and reinvigorate the crowd mid-show by whooping the dog piss out of you like you stole something. Because you did steal something, Ned, you’re taking up my precious fucking time in that ring and on TV and I’m going to plaster you for it.

Now, Ned, before you go yapping away, using million-dollar words with a five-dollar mouth, talking about shit you know nothing about, stop and consider that none of what you have to say is going to shake me; it’s like trying to bring down King Kong with paper planes. Your latest bitch session had you going off about my lifestyle. That all it boils down to, too many breaths wasted saying you don’t like the way I live my life. I don’t give a shit what you think about the way I live, and if you had half a fucking brain, you’d want to live more like me. I don’t treat my existence as fragile, Ned, I don’t care about a safety net out there, I’m not sweating the notion of failure like it’s some kind of dreaded monolith that I haven’t already surpassed in spades. Some call it reckless abandon, some call it a devil-may-care attitude, feckless in the face of good taste as I may be, I have overcome more in my career than most. I have earned, through blood and bone, everything I have, and I continue to earn it as violently as possible. You think I don’t care about being the Grand High PooBOB here? This is my company, Ned, I own whomever I meet in that ring, and you’re going to learn that, the hard way, when I own you live on broadcast. Afterwards, critics and fans will have something to say about my performance, and let them. None of it will impact what I do next. You, though, won’t be saying much, because you’ll be out like a light.

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