Bobby and George Lucas were on a panel along with Deep Roy at some convention, the kind of thing Danhausen would go to.

Bobby basically ran off the entire room of people there for the panel, though.

THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK

We see a stage with a bored Deep Roy looking at his phone, an energized Bobby Bourbon, and George Lucas, in awe of Bobby Bourbon.

You have no idea how long I have waited for someone to do that to those people. Leave me alone, I want to retire.

Then why are you here?

Money, Deep. Lots, and lots, of money. Fifty percent of the gate.

Jesus, really?

Jesus Christ appears in front of Bobby.

Yes, really.

Jesus disappears.

How do I get a cut of that kind of change?

Well, you know, Star Wars, Indiana Jones, those made more money than Kenya. Ever. Now people just want to give me even more money. I figure, okay, why not? I’ll die and be buried in a solid gold casket in a platinum Stormtrooper uniform, adorned with the Hope Diamond.

Yeah, but what about Howard the Duck?

We don’t talk about Howard the Duck.

Okay, American Graffiti.

Yeah?

George Lucas snaps his fingers, and Deep Roy runs back through the stage curtain. Within seconds, he drives the Deuce Coupe from American Graffiti onto the stage.

Woah!

Let’s take a ride.

George Lucas gets into the driver’s seat, and Bobby clears his throat. George smiles and slides over to the passenger side as Deep Roy hops into his lap. Bobby gets into the driver’s seat. He manipulates the three-on-a-tree expertly and tears off the stage and onto the convention floor. Bobby rushes through a crowded comic convention, tearing through crowds as people scream in surprise. A guy holding a really big cake jumps out of the way to avoid the Coupe, landing face first in it. He leans out of the cake and looks directly at the camera and removes a ridiculous amount of icing from it. Bobby hits a ramp and jumps over a bunch of kids raving. Bobby drives past the Batmobile! The one from Batman Forever, but still. Kevin Conroy, voice of Batman from Batman; the Animated Series, watches.

Now’s the time!

Conroy jumps into the Batmobile and starts to chase after Bobby in the Deuce Coupe. Each vehicle, surprisingly as well tuned to perform whatever they did in the films, roars through the glass facade of the convention center and out into the streets as fans take a shit ton of pictures of this awesome display with their phones. Bobby and Batman roar through the streets, a hapless construction worker near an open manhole notices them coming! He dives into the manhole, his helmet suspended in air and spinning as Bobby and Batman roar underneath it, returning to his head as he climbs back out, completely fine from just falling into an open manhole, in a move that sounds like it’s completely from the 60’s Batman show but I made it up.

George?

Yes, Bobby?

Did you ever see Fanboys?

I have, it was bullshit drivel based on my work.

I know, and Ned Kaye reminds me of the fat guy from that movie.

The one who listened to Rush?

Oh, you remember the Rush joke but it was bullshit drivel? In a pig’s eye, George Lucas.

Okay, you got me. I let them shoot in my actual and literal home.

Bobby is seen driving towards a drawbridge, the Batmobile still hot on his tail. A boat is coming through, and the gates are lowering as the bridge starts to raise! Rather than turn down any other road they pass as they head towards this bridge, Bobby first crashes the gate and jumps the bridge!

Seriously, what was Tim Robbins like in Howard the Duck?

We.

Don’t.

Talk.

About Howard the Duck.

The Deuce Coupe lands, gracefully and without any damage whatsoever, and continues down the street, still not turning down any of the side streets as to elude the Batmobile. Speaking of which, the Batmobile now careens over the gap of the raised drawbridge and lands perfectly as well, just like you’d expect a Batmobile to, continuing to give chase to the Grand High PooBOB. Two men are carrying a really long plate of glass, being very careful with it. I mean extremely careful, wearing specialized gloves, and standing at the edge of a street. Suddenly, rather than cross single profile, one man starts to walk across the street, extending the entire plate of glass across it for no good god damned reason. Bobby Bourbon crashes through a huge amount of glass, showering shards across the place, as the Batmobile follows, and the two men holding the glass look defeated. That is from the Batman 60’s show.

Bobby, what other movies do you like?

Oh, well, Goodfellas is obviously the best movie ever. Hand’s down. Followed only by Reservior Dogs. Then, well, either the Blues Brothers or anything with Helen Hunt, she is so talented.

Bridgette Jones Diary?

Yep, she’s just completely charming in that.

Huh.

Actual police are now chasing the Batmobile, since this is all completely reckless and dangerous to the general public, which is chasing Bobby. It seems the local law has had enough of this malarkey. At that very moment, Bobby picks up a CB radio which is installed in the Deuce Coupe.

Millennium Falcon to Knight Rider, you copy?

Kevin Conroy, whom up until now I even thought was chasing Bobby, grabs the radio within the Batmobile.

This is Knight Rider, I read.

Knight Rider, we need to head out of town, drawn too much local smoke.

Ten-four good buddy.

Kevin Conroy returns the radio receiver to its cradle and puts both hands on the wheel of the Batmobile, pulling up beside Bobby, George Lucas, and Deep Roy in the Deuce Coupe. He slams his hand into the horn, and the Batmobile starts playing “La Cucaracha”. Bobby and Conroy drive their vehicles off into the sunset with police behind them. Yet another drawbridge is rising in front of them. They both jump another drawbridge, but the police are stumped and stop. The Deuce Coupe and the Batmobile roar away. They eventually drive into a cave.

Knight Rider, is this where the Batcave is?

Negative, Millennium Falcon, but it is a good place to hide.

Copy.

Bobby and Kevin have parked by now. Both men exit along with George Lucas and Deep Roy.

Well, we’re here.

Deep Roy nods. He pulls a massive blunt out of his pocket. He sparks it up, puffs on it like a locomotive, and passes it to George Lucas. The secret pot circle from the convention has finally convened. This was their plan all along.

Bobby, that was some pretty smooth driving!

Just like pod racing!

George grins as he hits the blunt and passes it to Kevin Conroy. As Batman Conroy grasps it, the entire cave shakes.

What was that?

The cave shakes again.

This is no cave.

The cave shakes yet again.

Get back in the cars!

Bobby runs to the Batmobile with Kevin Conroy, this time making Conroy ride shotgun since Bobby is the better driver. It roars out of the cave as George Lucas runs into the Deuce Coupe with Deep Roy, high as kites.

Punch it Chewy!

Deep Roy can barely reach the pedals of the car as he grips the steering wheel, hanging from it.

Let me drive!

George Lucas picks up Deep Roy and puts him in the passenger seat with the perfectly executed Chinese Fire Drill. George guns it, escaping the maws of a giant space worm monster that happens to live in a cave outside of a city hosting a comic convention. For once, George was able to escape from his own plot device. He keeps pace with the Batmobile, and they approach their final destination, the monster truck rally down at the armory in the city. They drive crash in through the loading dock door, and out onto the dirt, right in front of TRUCKARANCOR, THE MECHARANCOR!



The cars stop in the arena, and the crowd goes wild for the Batmobile, and more importantly, the man inside it, Bobby Bourbon. They chant his name as Truckarancor turns to him, its cold, unblinking metallic gaze almost burning. Truckarancor attacks! Bobby sidesteps it, and punches the Truckarancor right in the truck! Truckarancor is unphased! Bobby reaches into his pocket and pulls out dental floss! Good thing he practices good dental hygiene! He ties off the floss to the base of Truckarancor. He then runs around and around it, with the floss, twelve times, one small roll of floss long enough for that amount of length. rather than getting another monster truck and crashing into it or anything pragmatic. The Truckarancor falls down and blows up.

Yep, Bobby, that’s how you kill anything big in Star Wars. You wrap up the legs!

~~~~~

Are you afraid of pooping in public?

We see a woman who look distraught.

I, well, was at the grocery store and got the last ham, but, dang it, nature called! I am not a high risk pooper like my husband, tee hee, I only go at home! Well, by the time I got back to the grocery store, the last ham was gone!

Is it too much to trust a public toilet?

We see a young man. He adjusts his bow tie.

Public restrooms are, like, the worst. I hate having to use them just to pee, and sometimes I'll hold in a shit for hours and hours throughout the day, practicing Kegel's like a fucking champion before getting home and dropping a literal eight pound duke.

Well, we understand, and that's why we have designed the new Disposable Toilet. The entire thing is made of urinal cake, so when it finally melts away, you put a new one in, and it's disenfected all the time with such friendly chemicals like bleach, lye, and coloring!

Vote yes on Prop 1344 to make all toilets disposable!

~~~~~

Ned Kaye summed it up best and succinctly the very first words out of his mouth. “Not important.” Ned Kaye is walking to the ring? It’s not important. Ned Kaye is speaking? It’s not important. Ned Kaye is wrestling? It’s not important. Ned Kaye exists? It’s not important. I swear, I am sweating you as hard as a vulture sweats roadkill, because I have you spotted, scouted, and I am ready for anything you bring my way. I have seen the highest highs in this business, Ned, and in your career, for as long as you’ve been here, but they were never as high as I got. I have seen the lowest lows you have hit, those rock bottom lapses where you want to burn the world, but young Ned you have never gone lower than me, because even the Devil doesn’t want me in hell because of the trouble I would be. I have done just about everything in the XWF and in wrestling, but you? You Ned? It’s not important.

You wanna bring up bowing? I’m no king, Ned, I’m a Bastard, and the Grand High PooBOB, and you will remember to address me as such after I beat it into you. You were wincing from a girl touching your face, for Christ’s sake, you think I’m just gonna poke you? Fat fucking chance there, pal! You sound just like the Star Wars nerds I fucking torched the last time I took the airwaves, for the love of fuck, and you smell like one too; boiled cabbage and masturbating too much.

As for dragging, whoo boy, you ain’t dragging anything but your own nuts on the carpet after I break your knees. I will invent a new move to just break your knees. I will call it the Kneecappa Krunch, and it’s got your name written all the fuck over it. Then, Ned, then I go to work, not dragging you, no, not pulling you, not pushing you, but throwing you, tossing you, and bouncing you like you’re a fucking beach ball. You’ll feel lighter than air, and just like the Mythbusters, I will elevate the lead balloon that is the Ned Kaye Experience into the sky so high that the fans in the nosebleeds will give you a pat on the back, that last attaboy, before I smash you into the fucking mat with a Bobbybomb so devastating the Evangelicals in attendance will start screaming in tongues thinking it’s the rapture. Flat the fuck out, Ned, to me this isn’t just a match, no, no, it’s a hunt. That primal urge and need to go out and feed. There’s a lot of hot dogs in that arena, Ned, tons of popcorn, and you know what? In the box suites? Fried chicken, deviled eggs, pastries, steamship beef, marinated shrimp, lobster tails, more pastries, Caesar salad, the works. I could go out and get any one of those things and slap it on my plate and call it a meal, but instead, hoo-boy, the fucking brass decided to give their top tiger a sardine in Ned Kaye. Tigers don’t hunt sardines, Ned, they just fucking chomp them up and ultimately, aren’t important.

Jesus, this little dweeb can’t get laid, but come Warfare he’s fucked. You, Ned, are about to see why I was taken off the air for a few months. You will learn why Vinnie Lane almost lost sponsors. It’s because of the sheer amount of violence I bring to the ring, how it’s borderline assault, and that people were having nightmares of me. You’ll see why the Geneva Convention would try me as a war criminal if I didn’t entertain them so well. The toy companies didn’t like how action figures of people like Ned Kaye had to have backs that actually broke because my action figure just did that to them. But, end of the day, big daddy Coca-Cola, the fine people at Arby’s, the Phillip Morris Company, and Michelin all came to the table and talked enough turkey to make sure I would be available for more TV time, and you know what? They’re hyping the Grand High PooBOB, Bobby “That Motherfucking Bastard” Bourbon at all their big fucking conferences and marketing meetings, how he’s going to be at Star Warfare, as the true Dark Lord of the Sith, showing you the power of the dark side.

The force ghost of Thunder Knuckles appears dressed as Captain James Tiberius Kirk of the Starship Enterprise.


What does he have in common with Han Solo?

TK shrugs, a Warsteinien effort if there ever was one.


TK and Bobby exchange a no look fistbump as TK’s force ghost fades away.

Well, that’s obvious. Han Solo at least had a girl, and beyond a measure of a doubt a movie that was interesting because of people who weren’t Han Solo. Kinda like our match. Some captain I see, flying solo ain’t a captain to me, it’s a pilot without rank as we can all see. I’ma teach you a hard lesson come Wednesday, and lucky you, it’ll be free. You can’t hang with the Big Bad Big Bad of Big Bads, you can’t even spell a capital ‘B’. You wish to come down to my ring and cause consternation? Be careful not to choke on your aspirations. I represent the will to do harm across all of the nations, you can’t even seem to get around to getting any relations. I will put you down in that ring for diehard fans and the casual observer. I’ll whip them up into hysteria, a happy riot, they’ll scream and shout in a fervor. People will all scream SOS, he’s dying, throw Ned Kaye a life preserver, I’m going to alter your physiology with the Power of the Dark Side until you pray I don’t alter it any further. You’re walking into Bespin, son, without any crew, ready and willing to get snared and frozen in carbonite, search your feelings, you know it to be true! Ned Kaye acting like he’s the man who’s going to start a coup, taking down the Grand High PooBOB, man that notion is straight Bantha poo-doo. Look around, you’re getting mollywapped as is, there is no escape. Don't make me destroy you.