(Spoiler Warning: This post references the results of the 8/18 Warfare)

An XWF news correspondent leans into his ear, before looking forward into the camera.

"This Just In! We're getting word now from our XWF correspondent near Pyongyang! We go there now, Tom?"

A second newsman stares into the camera for a while.

...

...

"Tom? Are you... Can he hear us…?"

…

…

“I’m just… I don’t know what to do while he can’t… TOM!”

"No need to yell, Chet! I'm right here where a spontaneous celebration has broken out in the streets of North Korea's capital city. A team of sled dogs are pulling parade floats, soldiers are each tooting saxophones in perfect harmony, and the North Korean people are weeping with pride in the street for the greatest wrestling champion in their country's history."

"And I assume you’re borrowing the Popemobile again, Tom?"

"Unfortunately no, Chet. The Pope had a friend invite him over to play X-Box One and couldn’t lend out his car. I’m instead standing in a bucket of water from the Pacific Ocean, which technically means I’m in International Waters."

"Makes sense. Continue."

"Well, the big celebration tonight is over North Korean War Criminal( and Mark Flynn)’s magnificent victory over the Green Order. It was watched by an incredible 47 million North Korean televisions. Which means most North Koreans had it on every device in their home as well as several mobile devices and smart watches per household."

"Now, THAT has to be a record!"

"Very nearly, Chet! It was just half-a-million shy of the record held by the episode of North Korean Frasier where North Korean Martin murders the South Korean criminal that shot him in the hip. That’s how the episode opens. Afterwards, with his quest in life fulfilled, North Korean Frasier pushes North Korean Martin out into the ocean on a canoe so he won’t be a burden any longer on his family’s resources."

"Riveting. Now, Tom. NKWC had an impressive showing in that match, but was noticeably carried by Mark Flynn. Is there equal space on the celebratory banners for the Most Hated Man in the XWF?"

"Only if you were watching the American broadcast, Chet. The North Korean broadcast was moderately edited by the Central Government's broadcasting team.

Now the footage was not cut and the match was shown in its entirety. But the Central Government Photoshop team super-imposed NKWC’s face ONTO Flynn’s face so it looked like The Green Order was fighting two NKWC’s."

“You’re kidding!"

“Shut your fucking mouth, Chet. I’m not finished.”

“They also super-imposed Joe Biden’s face onto Kai Morgan and Kamala Harris’ face onto Ciela Luiz. The North Korean government is now proclaiming that NKWC has single-handedly defeated the United States.”

"That’s insane! How will this affect North Korean policy going forward now that they claim to have defeated the United States?”

"We don’t know, Chet. All we know for sure is the people are celebrating, the streets are abuzz with excitement and children of North Korea now know how to finish NKWC’s signature move."

Tom leans into his earpiece, then looks surprised before resuming his update.

"The news just keeps coming in on this story, Chet. I'm getting word now from NKWC's press team with the following message, straight from NKWC himself."

"He says, 'NO ONE CAN STOP MY RISE TO THE TOP! I WILL NEVER BE DEFEATED! I LOVE THE MOONS-OVER-MY-HAMMY SANDWICH!'”

Tom double-takes on that last bit.

“Was that a Denny’s Plug?”

"Thanks, Tom, great coverage”

“… Hey what’s going on in the background, I see people in buckets of their own approaching you?"

“Those are bucket pirates, Chet. I’m in international waters and I knew the risks. If I die, Tell my wife that I’m Tom Hopkins, Live from a Bucket. XWF News. Back to you, Chet"

“Thanks, Tom. God’s speed, my friend.”

“God has nothing to do with it, Chet, you fucking prick.”