Continued From…. The Curious Call Of The Carnival III http://xwf99.com/showthread.php?tid=41476

Charlie falls off the cross as narcotics begin to pollute his mind, body, and soul. He lands on the dirt with one fist down. He shakes his curly hair from side to side before pushing up to a standing position. The now emerald orbs inside Charlie’s skull search for any sign of his assailants. The flashing lights do little to distract Charlie’s jasmine gaze from scanning the metal staircase connecting the rafters to the ground. Charlie scowled in disgust towards the open slit in the tent at the bottom of the staircase.

Charlie closed his eyes as the now sparkling green mist continued to roll through the tent. The carnival lights tore through the green mist, creating streaks of sparkling multi-color illumination around the XWF’s most elite squadron of shit talkers and ass kickers. By the time Charlie’s eyelids opened his emerald irises had overtaken his pupils, and a significant portion of his sclera as well.

Who the FUCK has been in my park?

Charlie turns towards his crew. Dolly and Marf have risen from their chairs, intermittently rubbing the dirt off their clothing, looking around the mystical mist-covered tent. Robert is still seated in his chair, with his head buried inside of his hands.

Those bastards nabbed one of our boys! They knew they couldn’t beat us in a five on five, so they ran off with one of us! I don’t remember drafting him, but honestly….I have been having a hard time remembering much of anything these days….but either way we are now a man down for wargames! This shit can’t be allowed to stand! We got to get him back, let’s fucking go!

Drew ain’t on our team.

What? Why was he here?

That’s Robert’s friend.

Marf gestures towards Robert. The only movement seen from Main is the soft heaving of his chest. The mist continues to swirl around them as Charlie turns toward Robert.

They got your mans! Let’s ride!

Robert remains unresponsive as a shirtless Charlie leans back and rubs his neatly trimmed beard with his scarred left hand. Charlie decides to approach Robert Main, snapping his fingers with every step. Charlie taps Robert Main on the shoulder. No response. Robert stars to lean back against the wooden chair, his eyes closed and his body devoid of movement. Charlie presses his ear against Main’s chest and listens for that old familiar sound.

He’s fine, just a bit loaded up. I’ve seen it a million times.

Charlie turns back to Marf and Dolly. Marf stands and shakes his head slowly, something not feeling right at all with him. He looks at Charlie, his eyes wide but not with fear, with revelation.

I’m not sober...none of us are! Fuck, this is like our FCW days, or do you even remember that right now Charlie?

Back in those days you used to wander off all the time to god knows where on those benders! But you were always fine in the end! Shit, I’m sure Drew’s just as fucked up as we are.

Hold up, was Drew really here? Or did we trip so hard we just thought he was with us? The fuck is going on!? I have no idea what’s happening but it feels fuckin’ great!

I-

Dolly spots an almost pink glow drifting from her pores. She knows she’s fried.

FUCK! I’ve been sober for almost a year got’dammit!

But don’t you feel better now? STRONGER now?

Whoever did this really fucked up: but I get why they thought they could get away with this bullshit. Who the fuck have we been these last couple of months? I’ve been picking losses out of my teeth like my jaw was a goldmine for failure. I know why those punk ass bastards thought they could get away with this. They didn’t think I was shit, therefore, they didn’t think I’d do shit about it.

But they really fucked up this time.

No one draws a dick on my face and gets away with it.

Charlie grabs a piece of torn fabric from off the ground near Drew’s empty chair. Charlie vigorously rubs his face against the somewhat soiled cloth. Charlie removes the cloth from his face before looking down at the black discoloration of the fabric and grunting harshly. Charlie quickly returns the fabric to his face and begins rubbing his skin with even more roughness.

That should be better….

Charlie rubbed the big black dick near his mouth with such forceful vigor that his flesh was now red from the irritation. Black marker was now smeared around his cheek in no particular pattern, just one large blob. Charlie let the fabric slip through his fingers. The stained cloth fell through the mist and landed on the dirt without so much as a whisper.

Classic fucking Dick Powers. It’s always genital references with the guy. He drafts a team full of the biggest pussies on the roster and calls them ACOCKALYSPE NOW. Even his initials are a reference to two penises inserting themselves into the same hole. It’s fitting enough for the guy, though- he’s never been good enough to accomplish anything worthwhile by himself. He’s going to need a partner, or maybe even three or four, to really insert himself into anything worth a fuck.

I guess they really were just handing out captain spots this time around, huh? Truthfully it disgraces the honor to share this pedigree with Dick Cowers. In my first three months in the XWF I accomplished more than Dick Powers ever has: I main evented a pay per view, then I carried three championship belts at the same time, then I actually made a woman orgasm. I’m doubtful that Dick Powers has checked any of that off his list.

Captain Dick really oughta rebrand as Cappin’ Dick, because all I ever hear out of that part-timer’s mouth is fraudulent fabrication- dishonest distortion, at best. His Leap of Faith dig at Dolly Waters for not being able to do a full touring schedule while she gets her high school diploma is real rich when I haven’t seen that guy at well over half the shows I’ve worked this year.

What is Dick’s power, anyways? Being a relevant figure in the XWF despite never winning a major belt or headlining a major show? Collecting a full-timer’s paycheck with a part-timer’s work ethic? What am I missing about the guy that makes him worthy to captain a war games team alongside towering figures like Corey Smith, Thaddeus Duke, and Charlie Nickles?

But hey, maybe I’m forgetting some major accomplishment. Maybe the PeePeePooPoo man went on a solid tear with a championship belt that just happens to go to a different school. I won’t bullshit you, I’m not going to sit around and act like I’m an expert on the XWF’s history. I’ve only been here for a year- but I’m coming up on that contract extension, and I’m pretty damn sure the Nickleman is about to encounter a lot of benja-mans at my next meeting with “Big Boss Lane”.

Charlie Nickles puts finger quotes around the moniker as he speaks it in a mocking manner.

I mean shit, it’s a no-brainer that I’m going to get paid big when my one-year contract is about to expire. Even with a horrendous couple months on the backend I accomplished more in one year than most of the roster ever has or ever will. More than Dick Powers- that’s for damn sure.

Dick Powers should have went back and studied the film before he decided to fuck with Charlie Nickles. He may have left a childish mark on my skin, but I’m the one who’s going to leave marks across his flesh that will never age- only decay.

Truth be told I’ve been looking for an opportunity, looking for a moment that would really bring me back. The OLD me back. The Charlie Nickles no one seems to remember...the Charlie Nickles that Jim Caedus never had the pleasure to see. Never had the good sense to fear.

I think it’s time I brought the old timer back to his senses.

My name has been dragged through the mud, spit on, and tarnished beyond belief. But growing up in the sticks of Ohio, there was one thing above all else that my elders drilled into my head: get it back in blood. The sweet fruits from the tree of vengeance must always be served while the bad blood is still ripe. My fellow buckeye Knucks’ can speak on this classic Ohio motto, but he’s never been able to taste that sweet scarlet nectar himself.

Caedus couldn’t have been dealt a worse hand than this, truly. For as much as he joked about not wanting to be on my team I’m sure he’s not all too pleased to be appearing alongside Marf’s stepsister and Ned fucking Kaye. He’s only fooling himself if he thinks he can drive that short bus into the station.

Fuck sakes, we have an easy first round matchup. I’m not even sure these idiots have the shared IQ needed to pull off such an elaborate kidnapping. Any of these other teams could have something to do with whatever the fuck is going on here. The easy guess is always the cock, I mean ego stroking group of BoB but there’s just so many others easily capable of pulling this shit to avoid a fair fight. Corey and the Demos-Jimson korean knockoff squad or whatever the fuck wannabe clever shit they’re supposed to be posing as could be the culprits. Alias always loved bragging about eating the left hand, which I’m sure was more appetizing than whatever low rate diner he usually dumpster dives into. But despite acting like he snuffed out anyone involved with that tired old faction, I still burn brightly. My old pal Alias knows a thing or two about burning and I can’t wait to engulf his erratic ass in my flames.

The rest of his rag tag band of Korean apologists can go fuck themselves because quite frankly I don’t like them. Or I don’t actually care who the fuck they are. Corey and I already have been acquainted for a while now and neither of us are invited to one another’s birthdays sadly. Stupid sexy Corey. But that slob Morbid and North Korean fuckboy I have zero fucks to give to. What a stupid fucking team with an unsurprisingly boring name. Is that the precursor to all your promos? Might as well just say “Get ready to cure that insomnia folks!” God damn, at least I’ll sleep well leading up to the pay per view…

In all honesty, taking a step back and looking at all of these teams, Christ it looks like we’re headed for a full blown borefest. We could even have to sit through Thad and Doc rehashing their phony friendship. Likely while pretending Chaos and Dixon are suitable replacements for Corey in their odd love affair. I’ll be pleasantly surprised if either of those lowly cumsacks bother to show up at all. And while we’re on the topic of showing up, what Atara Themis will be appearing? Will she show up at all? Or is she still off somewhere crying about something not being handed to her again. I really feel bad Lycana wound up on Estrada’s future rape victims with the crybaby and whatever the hell Betsy is trying to be these days.

Dolly’s eyes go even wider than the mescaline induced ball-tripping has permitted. Something dawns on her as she nods her head at Marf and Charlie taking turns shooting on the War Games field.

See how easy this is, boys?

She says, having realized something….

Standing around talking trash like we’re taking turns reading out of ‘Comedy For Dummies vol. BOB’?

Promo filmed in a dark room cliche?

Basic-bitches jabber jawing, sounding like some shitty ‘Whose Line’ script? The last time I saw TNGB tell a compelling story, they pretended to sell roofies to some frat boys, then sat down at a diner and dished the tea.

That’s what the entire XWF has been considering up-to-snuff, or menacing for a while now. Because all of these individual egos in War Games couldn’t get themselves over as “good guys” without having to create villains out of thin air.

These “good guys'' are hypocrites and they know it... THEY created BoB from their unquenchable thirst to be morally superior. BoB’s success is just a case study in dumbluck and knee-jerk reactions inflating them with relevance, especially when the Page and Main feud got retconned into their ever-changing Origins.

But people need to be heroes SOOO bad that they took a stable that Michael Graves had a hand in assembling and pretended they were anything other than arbitrary troll-jobs until they weren’t, and now they cry like bitches because BoB exists.

A big bravo to the XWF Gatekeeper class! You dimwits are hereby entitled to a share of BoB profits due to yer’ SWEATing-them-EQUITY.

And while I’m sure somewhere the fine folks over at BOB are throat-fucking Betsy Granger’s entire existence, and with a hearty, jolly chuckle, are gloating about making the entire roster look like a collective bag of queef juice on Saturday Savage, they really should be thanking these people who’ve built them up over the last few months. The people too stupid to recognize that all along, BoB was just a joke.

Anyone in their right mind knew that Bobby Bourbon was talented. He didn’t just up and suddenly start gorilla-pressing people in the ring once he joined up with TK and Fury. That MOTHERFUCKER’S brand of brutality has been a staple in the XWF for years now.

I beat em’...

When I was sixteen…

Bourbon is a bad-mamma-jamma, and he always has been.

But then again…

Ned Kaye beat em’ too, so nevermind.

Love you Bourbs’, but yer’ shit, and Corey Smith is shit for losing to you.

Contrary to popular opinion, I don’t think BoB has REALLY done anything wrong. I’ve heard some people go as far as to call them evil.

Right. Evil!!!

They’re just chaffed assholes. They play pretend evil just to get you idiots riled up. By my checklist, there’s only been one thing that BoB has ever done that, in my opinion, was wrong.

That was when they led King Doc, fresh off of his magnum-opus of a March Madness performance from the gorgeous, Tolkien-like, moutainlined lakeshores to a truck-stop bathroom. #DONTJOINBOB. Of course, they weren’t entirely at fault. Doc’s insatiable desire to be loved by ALL of his Kingdom, and his passive-aggressive megalomania were just as responsible. PoorFuck, Thad Duke.

Hell, my Uncle Edgar tried warning King Doc that running around with BoB would lead to his death in his *Homage To Dystopia*, but did Doc hear him out? Nah… he was too busy studying the marble chest of a busted Atara Themis bust. The whole thing was really sad.

And where was BoB when the “GOOD” King set himself ablaze in an illusionary moment of scorched ego like some melodramatic Tibetan Monk? Trading in his gauntlet for a piss soaked urinal tablet?

Nowhere.

Fury was licking her wounds after being eliminated by some roided-out, future goatse victim named Sil -we HARDLY knew ye- and The Bastards were slow-stroking Page’s ego to get him ready to face Edgar.

Think I’m lying?

I was running the goddamn show!

...okay, maybe SOME other of that is made up, but does it really sound that far from the truth?

BoB killed King Doc, the man who was groveled over and beloved by the Baddies because he pinned Demos in a tournament.

Yes.

DemosCharlie.

What a worthy call for such pageantry, right?

Chew on that for a moment.

She eyes The Nickleman up and down, her smile growing larger and shittier.

Yup.

I like muh crazy-ass Captain.

She salutes him,

And now as Doc struggles to find himself again by adding swear words to his dialect, and posting cryptic Youtube videos on the XWF site, the Baddies chug along doing a bad Larry, Moe and Curly impersonation like nothing ever happened.

Well, some of us actually think about others from time to time… some of us aren't self centered dickwads who are too blinded by the ENDS of thier success and not the MEANS to which they got lucky as fuck. BoB ain’t evil, or menacing, or any of that bullshit. They’re lightning in a bottle… just like the guy they’re emulating on XWF Television, Chris Chaos.

Rainbow Laser Death Sequence!THROUGH A WALL!

Rainbow Laser Death Sequence!THROUGH A TABLE!

Rainbow Laser Death Sequence!THROUGH A SHATTERED MUG!

JENNYFURY IS THERE TOO CUZ REASONS

Rainbow Laser Death Sequence!THROUGH JENNY MYST!

How interesting. How EASY. How about THAT for cliche promocryptic meta bullshit?

What the fuck is all this artsy bullshit? Are you talking about Alias? He’s been ducking a match with me for months. He knows what happens when the weirdo in the psych ward meets the rapist in the psych ward. His ass can eat this cock, boy!

I take it back… I don’t like my team captain

A bloodcurdling scream penetrates the tent. The trio’s good trip abruptly grinds to a halt.

That’s not a female’s scream. Trust me, I’ve caused plenty.

Goddamn, that was Drew!

Shit, maybe Drew really did get kidnapped…

...You think?

Come on Charlie, we should go sort this shit out. We cracked some skulls together before, and it’s nigh time to do it again. Those bitches are going to pay!

Slumping in his chair, Robert’s sudden gasp of breath suggests that he’s stirring into consciousness. His fingers twitch. He brings his hands into his lap and tries to pull himself forward.

I’ll keep an eye on… him

Charlie and Marf bump fists before walking towards the open slit in the circus tent. The curious call of the carnival awaiting them…….

-to be continued-