"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. -Psalm 23:4


Yes I just started this with a random quote. One of my favorites however. Did I say the verse out loud or in my head? I'll let you decide. To be honest I've never done this stupid narrator voice-over bullshit. That doesn't make sense when you think about it. How the fuck can you hear what I am thinking right now? Maybe naturally thinking a soliloquy shouldn't have anything to do with fucking professional wrestling! Ok, or maybe I'm just angry because Jessie Diaz totally stole my Podcast idea... No, that's not it, because I've always thought SOLILOQUIES DON'T FUCKING BELONG IN PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING!... You know what I've been talking in my own head and arguing with myself for way too long. I'd better say something out loud before everybody thinks I'm crazy.





Jessie Diaz Is A Total Bitch!!!



Immediately everybody in the church stares at me like I'm crazy. The exact opposite of what i wanted to happen. I think Jessie Diaz is getting in my head. Oh, and for those of you mind readers out there, Joy Giovanni isn't here because she doesn't go to church with me. And get the fuck out of my head mind readers! Geez, can't you guys leave a man alone with his thoughts?... No?.... Fine, be that way assholes. Damn she's got a big ass. I mean, This is a really good church. Especially for Canada standards. For those of you wondering I like to go to a church in the city i'm performing in and pray for a good show and for my health and things like that. I'm very spiritual, I mean that doesn't fit who you see on TV, but I mean you're reading my fucking mind right now, how are you doing that?! And how does that work?! None of this shit makes sense! We're just breaking all the rules aren't we. Pastor's looking at me, shit I should have been paying attention to what he was saying. I should say something so he will stop looking at me.



AMEN!



After that the whole church says Amen as well.


I just started an Amen chant? Why when I was calling Jessie Diaz a total bitch you all looked at me like I was crazy. If anything, calling her a bitch deserved an Amen. I still can't believe she did a Podcast! If she really wanted to be on a Podcast, she could have been on mine, not on some jackasses I've never heard of before. Yet we have the same job? I think I'd hear of this guy at least once if we had the same job. And for you mind readers still here, Hey I know my Soliloquies aren't the best but holy shit, better than watching a Jessie Diaz babble on about absolutely fucking nothing that has to do with anything, for fucking days! At least my soliloquies progress the fucking story.... Did I say story? I meant my wrestling thing that I do... Hey you're reading my mind right now. How the fuck can I get in trouble for something I technically didn't say out loud?! Riddle me that Motherfuckers! I say a lot of cuss words for being in church right now. Ok no more cuss words... no I'll do better. No more talking in my own head till church is over.




"Thank you all for coming this morning. Have a blessed day. AMEN!"




Well that didn't exactly pan out the way I wanted it to. Oh well, it's almost time to pick up Joy and head to the arena. Fuck! If Joy saw Jessie's promo like I did this morning she is going to be pissed! See, Jessie if you're one of the mind readers. First off let me say...... Fuck you.... I could care less if you think the Podcast is stupid. What gets to me more than any of the words that come from your nasty mouth. Is the way you cause Joy to react to what you say. Whether it's about me, or how she reacts to your fucking stupid life situations that nobody cares about. She fucking hates those! I always tune her out right after I ask why she hates them so much, but I just assume it's the same reason I do. They have nothing to do with anything! I think we all hate that, not just Joy. But while we are in my head I'd love to see a cat fight between you two. MEOW! Just Kidding! Truth be told. The majority of what is said in my Podcast by me, is the truth. So I do believe, you get around in Seattle. Hence the term Seattle Slew. Well, in fairness the term was coined by Jim Carrey in Liar Liar. But it just fits you so perfect! You know I think I have time to watch that Podcast from that guy I've never heard of one more time before I have to get Joy. I'm going to watch it on my phone in my car, oh and I'm going to take notes on it, and if we have time from a Podcast maybe I'll say them. Who am I kidding, if your reading my mind, this is the Podcast! And here is my regular fucking notebook with no fucking details that make it special in anyway. Ok, Lets fast-forward through the uninteresting crap, and there is a lot of it. Here we go.


"Easy. It sounds like he's just echoing the pointless, insult filled rants of his girlfriend or whatever she is. If he were being vicious, he would be tearing me down, not mocking the city I was born in, not calling me ugly or a slut like a middle school valley girl cunt. Irony intended."


Pause!


Echoing the pointless?! Holy Shit! Like every promo you have ever done here? That kind of pointless?! That's very hypocritical of you Diaz. Ahh just taking that trip down the ugly-slut-cunt memory lane. So much fun. I think you've actually inspired some of our best work. What's awesome about the valley girl thing, is that it makes Joy even hotter to me. And while we are on this subject in my head, we only call you all these mean things is because, we see the way you look, dress, and act. You know what they say. If it looks like a slutty duck, and acts like a slutty duck, then you got yourself a slutty duck! That just happens to live in Seattle.


Fast-forward! Play!


"Easy. He's already used ugly and slut comments in his last attempt at verbally attacking me, so he'll spend an entire podcast taking shots at the city of Seattle. Because those comments totally affect me. Hell, I'd like to stoop to his level for a bit if I may."


I do love taking shots Seattle on my spare time... You being there is just a bonus. Hell yeah, she's actually gonna talk out of her head for once! I have to hear this!


Fast-forward! Play!


"You know what? I'm just going to prove a point instead. Hey Hunter! Remember that I pinned you in the middle of the ring last week. All of this shit you talk has been proven and will continue to be proven to be just that. Shit. Unimportant, unintelligible garbage that spews from your mouth that can't be backed up."


Pause!


Yeah, I do remember getting pinned by you, it wasn't my greatest moment. I've admitted that in one of my Podcast. Some fan you are Jessie. But thanks to Crimson Cobra, I get a rematch, and you aren't sneaking away with a win this time! I don't care if you are a hairy female, I am going to beat the living shit out of you like the man you're trying so fucking hard to be!... Wow. That was very mean Jessie. Nevermind! Please go back to your soliloquies. And continue to keep your mouth shut!


Play!


"Let's go to the hypothetical world where I'm this ugly, STD infected, whiny emo whore, shall we?"


Pause!


What's so hypothetical about it? Hahaha!


Play!


"Because even if I was all those things, I beat you. You lost to that. Are you so blind that you can't see how fucking idiotic you sound? Oh wait, you'll pull the old Luca Arzegotti card and say you don't give a fuck, right? That's all I get when I hear you speak."


Pause!


Well, there is no 'if' about it. I know I lost to that, do you have to keep reminding me. Ewww. Nope, your wrong I take responsibility in losing to you. What you need to do is stop acting like you fucking pulverized me. You got me in a small package and barely held me down for the three. Do you really feel that you can pull that miracle out twice in back to back weeks?! I am fucking destroying you because I am so pissed at how last Monday went down. So if you really feel that is going to happen twice! You couldn't be more wrong! And I give fucks! I give lots of fucks! Ask Joy! Hahahahaha.


Play!


"A watered down, uninteresting version of Luca fucking Arzegotti. Y'know, the man who hates the city you live for. The man who does drugs on camera and can actually beat his opponents. What can you do?"


Pause!


Who is this Luca Arzegotti you keep bitching about? He hates LA? What an asshole. I am straight-edge by the way, and what the fuck, are you his biographer?! Until I have to wrestle whoever Luca is, I really don't care about his background or his wrestling record or whatever else you want to tell me about him..... What can I do? That is a very open ended question... I do... I do Joy?, I like to wrestle, go to church, what are you my biographer now?


Play!


"Imitate his style very poorly, and actually attempt at covering your failures instead of flaunting them around. I swear, all you do is watch one of his promos and say to yourself; 'hey, I can do that!' and then proceed to fail at it."


Pause!

Kevin Smith maybe. Not this guy. I've honestly never seen A Luca promo. Obviously somebody watches too many of them. Luca might have a stalker on his hands.... Funny, Kind of like you fail to mention the wrestling match you have in any of you promos all week until the day before the match? That's a pretty big fail. Oh wait I forgot you were busy killing, smoking , being a damsel in distress, and other boring bullshit.


Play!


"The thing that makes him so compelling? He's actually witty. He thinks of new things to say.His female companion isn't an airhead. So keep riding his coattails, oblivious to what he's stated he thinks of you. See how far that gets you."


Pause!


Jessie can you stop sucking this guy's dick?! I don't care how much you like his promos. You are wrestling me Monday! Me! If the worst thing you can do is compare me to somebody else you've heard of, Then you need to work on what you can actually say about me. Next time here are some things you can mention... I don't like bugs, I don't like to bleed, I was terrified of Chucky as a kid, and I don't like women talking about a guy non-fucking-stop when it's not me. Like I've told you before get the dick out of your mouth, and stop comparing me to other people, do you see me comparing you to fucking Lidnsey Lohan. No bitch, even though now looking at it, it's a pretty good comparison.


Play!


And that is all she said out loud. As now I put the ordinary notebook away, and start driving to this hotel lodge, or whatever you call it in Canada... So Jessica the time for talk is over, And after a week of insomnia and torment I Finally get my redemption! And Honestly you can keep this soliloquy bullshit, because it is really not my thing, I think I've said 21 words out loud. This talking to yourself bullshit sucks.....



Just as I said that, I pulled up at the lodge and Joy is waiting outside, and she looks pissed as she walks to the car


In closing, I am going to tune out Joy and... and... just how the fuck do you end a soliloquy? Get out of my head mind readers I guess...


Joy opens the door and just as she is about to go off I think to myself...


Fuck You Jessie Diaz!