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Marf · (01-31-2021)

He takes a long, slow inhale while staring at himself in the bathroom mirror. The dark purple colouring that’s formed under each eye is getting dangerously close to resembling raccoon eyes. The lack of sleep bordering on insomnia was the main factor. Along with all the ludicrous dreams on the rare nights sleep had existed. His explosive blue eyes were less electric than usual and more in the realm of bloodshot. The scruffy brown beard was more unkempt than usual. Thankfully he had recently shaved his head otherwise we could also be looking at one atrocious mess of a hairdo. Who? Well our old pal Marf, that’s who!

He turns the tap on and rinses both his left and right hand before cupping them and then splashing water across his face. He hadn’t slept at all since before the trip to Green Bay. Ever since she sent him ahead he felt like he made a terrible mistake. He should have stayed with her. He knew she could handle herself in difficult situations but he should have stayed with her anyway. They were a pillar of support to one another. Through the good times, fun times, not a care in the world times to the bad times, the down and out times and of course the world is against you times. He runs a hand across his beard before turning off the tap and walking back into the motel room. He was continuing to beat up on himself internally when an odd thump sounded just outside the front door.

Marf stopped in the middle of the room and turned an ear to the door. There were no other sounds so he quietly creeps up to the door and looks out the peephole. Unsatisfied, Marf suddenly tears open the door to the room. Poised in a semi-attack stance, Marf chuckles unsteadily at the sight of nobody on the opposite side of the door. He’s about to close the door when he stops and notices something on the ground in front of the threshold of the door. An odd looking metal box, a perfect cube. Marf pokes his head out the door and looks around at the silent lot outside. He grabs the peculiar box and backs himself into the room before slamming the door. Marf stares down at the box and upon closer inspection sees all sorts of strange patterns of the goldish cube. Up close it actually appears to be similar to a lament configuration.

Marf places the puzzle box to his ear but hears nothing inside. He moves it around in his hands for a moment before noticing a spot that looks like a button. He raises an eyebrow inquisitively, licks his lips and then presses down the button. For several seconds nothing occurs and Marf makes a disappointed grumble. He’s about to put the puzzle box down when suddenly it begins to light up. It flashes a few times with a bright blue light before causing the entire room to become illuminated in a blinding white light. Marf tries to shield his eyes and stumbles around the room before falling over something he can’t see. A loud pop sounds and finally the scorching bright light fades out while Marf gets up to his knees.

As the lighting is back to normal Marf stands up and looks around. He’s no longer in the room of the motel based on his new surroundings. He cranes his neck back and forth in bewilderment as he appears to be in an area of the giant Lambeau Field stadium. Marf shakes his head from side to side in utter disbelief while robotically moving to the wall to lean against. He runs his hands over his head before turning his head and looking beside where he’s leaning. On the wall just inches from where he’s propped himself up against Marf notices a large poster for XWF’s Snowjob. Marf furrows his brow and blinks a few times before looking a little closer at the poster to see all the matchups.

Marf stares in shock but mostly confusion at the names he is seeing on the card. The opening match is a ten person lingerie football match which features the team of Marf, Centurion, Shawn Wylde, Thad Duke, and Alias going up against James Raven, Isabella Ravenwolf, Vanessa Gibson, Shawn Warstein and R.L. Edgar. The second match on the weird poster says it is an Internet Championship match but it is a fatal four way. It features Peter Gilmour, David Gilmour, Doug Gilmour and Happy Gilmour. The next match is for the tag team championships and it is between the team of Theo Pryce and Jenny Myst against Barney Green and Chase from Paw Patrol. The fourth match showed a Shooting Star title defense from champion Violet Lane, which was clearly Vinnie Lane in drag, facing off with challenger Lycana. And the main event for the Universal title was a six person battle royale. Marf began reading the names out loud.

Marf: Felix Jones...

Gator...

Big D...

You gotta be shitting me, Ash Quinn!?

Jim Jimson...

And the champ...Roman god damn Reigns...okay what’s fucking happening here!?

Marf tears the poster off the wall and crumples it into a ball before tossing it aside. He looks across to the puzzle box lying on the ground and runs over and picks it back up. Marf presses the button once again in an attempt to get out of wherever this strange place was. It was no longer possible to ignore how bad the air smelt, like being at a sulfur mine. Once again the box begins to glow with a strong blue light before exploding with the eye melting white light taking over the scene. Marf covers his eyes with his arm and waits this time instead of bumbling around. After a few more seconds the light begins to decrease and a brand new scene unfolds. Instead of the massive stadium it is now a bingo hall.

Slowly Marf lowers his arm and looks around with concern. He eyes another poster on a much smaller wall this time, covered in stains of all shapes and sizes. Marf reads this new poster for what is called XWF’s No Job. There are only three matches on the crusty poster. One is just an every person for themselves game of manhunt. The winner gets new preowned shoes. The second match is a triple threat for the golden squeegee. It has Robbie Bourbon going against Oswald going against Robot Leg Tommy Romeo. And the main event was a turkey sandwich on a pole match between Corey Smith and John Black. All of their pictures were on this particular poster. Combined they appeared to have about seven teeth.

Running his hands across his head in frustration Marf starts frantically pressing the button on the puzzle box multiple times. This overreaction doesn’t seem to cause the mysterious box to work any faster. But instead of the blue lights to start this time the lights are a sinister deep red. Marf looks at it with a light touch of worry before he shields his eyes in preparation. The deep red shifts into that blinding white and overtakes the scene. There’s a loud whirring noise this time though as yet another new landscape dawns before our eyes. The scenery is a simple looking venue. Not massive but also not the little leagues. Marf sighs in frustration and goes to rub his hands over his head when he stops.

Staring at his hands Marf can see they are much smaller than what they should be. As he looks down at his body he notices it too is petite, feminine and not his own. Marf sees another damn poster and walks over to it just baffled at this point. This time the poster says the upcoming show is called XWF’s Snob Jow. There are multiple matches with names Marf doesn’t quite recognize at first until he sees his own version of his name in whatever outrageous universe this is. Marf sees he’s the European champion defending that title. Of course on the poster his name reads as Marfanna and he has blue hair. He’s up against Chorey Smithckles in a tuxedo match. Some of the other bizarre names he spots are Dr Androuis D’Vlogan, Neddi Kayden, Reggie Gunn and even Chris Fury.

Marf turns back to the puzzle box and lunges for it. Scooping it up he hoists it high and then immediately slams it down with severe force, smashing it onto the ground. No sooner does it strike the concrete another blinding light explodes from the unpredictable contraption. This explosion sends Marf rocketing upwards at a furious speed. He shoots off through the sky and past the upper atmosphere before entering space. He opens his mouth to scream but his head begins to expand. His eyes bulge out at what’s happening before his body also starts inflating as well. He expands wildly and then bursts in a ball of blood, guts and bones.

Marf: Fffffffuck!!!

Marf is back in the motel bed, sitting up covered in sweat. He shoves the sheets off and moves to a seated position on the bed now. His eyes look like two blue diamonds falling into blackened sockets. As he starts to speak there is still some sleep grogginess in his tone. Lower than usual.

Marf: I really need to stop having these fucking dreams. They just keep trying to put weird the last one and it’s getting annoying. More annoying than having to listen to my opponents talk, well that’s debatable. The longer their promos go the more circles they seem to travel in. It’s been a long several days and even longer several weeks. So before this ball goes a rolling, I’d like to get an important fact out of the way. Just one small little detail I would like to point out and then it can fade off into the sunset.

Marf looks closely at us now for a moment and then nods in understanding. Not sure of what but sure, okay.

Marf: I actually am excited to enter the ring at Snow Job with all of you. My partner included. Regardless of what has been said and what will be spoken of, you are all violent to the core. It is going to be a pleasure to throw fists, trade chair shots and more with each and everyone of you. Or in Lycana’s case, watch her do those things. You’re all either brave enough or stupid enough to not turn back and we’re all going to have fun in this one. Ahem.

Now, that that’s out of the way. Where do I even begin? Unfortunately I have no thesaurus or dictionaries kicking around so I may have trouble keeping up. Is that the best you can muster, Robbie Bobby Bourbon? Essentially calling me dumb? Remind me again what exactly is so intelligent about travelling to Hell? I guess it makes you sound pretty cool when you go on and on about it. Gotta have something edgy to bring in that preteen crowd, bless their parent’s pockets for increasing the buy rate. Sorry, I’m supposed to be too stupid to be discussing anything like that.

Marf displays a sharpened frown to show his displeasure.

Marf: Let’s switch it up a bit shall we? You brought up my name so let’s look at yours. Wynona’s Big Brown Beavers...or whatever the hell you call yourselves. You talk a big ass game, I can say that much. Time is running out though and neither of you will be doing much talking when we get into that ring. Instead of munching on chicken and mashed potatoes you’ll be eating chair shot after chair shot. You can come up with some clever rhymes to express how much it hurts picking splinters out of your ass from all the tables you’re going to go crashing through.

As for ole thunder knuckles, well I haven’t forgotten about you. I just don’t know what else to really say about you anymore. You can only stand behind Bourbon chanting ‘fuck ya’ for so long. I’ve been bored of your hype man bullshit since day one. I don’t care how good you think you are and I don’t care how good you think you were. To me you flat out suck all the time and are clearly the weakest link not just on your so called team but of this whole match. Why don’t you shut your mouth, step out from Bourbon’s shadow and show me what you really got. And if that isn’t the least bit appealing then you may want to sit this one out.

Marf wipes some sweat from his sleep depraved face as he takes a slow breath and than calmly exhales.

Marf: Corey really using his big boy voice coming down the stretch. You’re so obsessed with wins and losses instead of what really matters like who gets hurt. Also obsessed with bringing up Andrew Logan. I don’t need to speak for him or defend him, he can do that for himself without problem. He chooses to worry about more important issues rather than bother with the likes of you. That in no way automatically means everyone in the Left Hand is identical in disregarding you. Lycana has already stepped up to you once without backing down. Now both of us are here, rising to your challenge.

And speaking of challenges, I heard about your most recent one that you laid down. If the assumption is that we won’t accept it well that’s sadly misguided. I will gratefully accept your challenge and take you on at any Warfare one on one. Put whatever silly stipulation you like on the match, I don’t care. I have no fear in facing you in any capacity Corey. I guess it is hard for you to tell that we want anything to do with you despite being booked in a damn match at a pay per view...but sure bucko, after we’re done wrecking our bodies on ladders and tables and getting bruised up by chairs, sign me up. I’ll take you on at any Warfare you desire.

Marf let’s his face contort into a twisted smile while he raises up his left hand and blows a kiss.

Marf: So lastly that brings me to the one man who seems to be the only one in the match that understands what it’s all about. The good doctor is the only one that gets it, which really shouldn’t surprise anyone. It’s hard to find a lot of negative in someone who appreciates what a match like this has the potential to bring out in all of us. The ultra violence that could be shed upon the innocent eyes of the watching world! The real horror show that the six of us can display to all, oh it will be a delight!

But there is something about this that seemed to good to be true. The longer we’ve gone on the more I’ve seen what the underlying issue is. I don’t have your undivided attention, there’s just too many distractions. The distraction of keeping a firm grasp upon that precious tag title of yours. The distraction of wanting to erase the past year of Cataclysm’s reign on top of the tag team world. The distraction of having your real partner leave you on the first title defense. The distraction of playing mind games with your current partner to create some delusional bond.

All these distractions picking away while you brush them aside. Sooner or later it will all catch up with you while we’re in that ring making our art together. And since you’ve supposedly let us exist all this time, well it’s about to turn around and bite you. Don’t worry, we have time to stop chewing on Alias to take a meaty chunk out of you, good doctor. What happens after we take the titles off of you, are you going to say you let us? A tactic like that is far below your standards doc, come on now. I get it though, again the distractions, they’re already getting to you before the match has even begun.

Marf makes a quiet ‘tsk tsk’ noise with his tongue before rising off the bed and getting dressed. He throws on his shoes and grabs a coat then goes to leave the room.

Marf: The time is drawing near, the war of words is nearing an end. The war of flesh will soon begin. With a little help from our friends tables, ladders and chairs. There will be blood, bruises and hopefully broken bones as well when the dust settles in this one. Brace yourselves as this will not be for the faint of heart. See you all very soon...

Marf puts on a toque before grabbing the keys to a rental and exiting the motel room. Who knows if he actually paid for the rental or stole it from someone else. Same can be said for the room. He hops in the rusted Volkswagen and heads out to meet Lycana at the airport while we fade to black.

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