I won't ever apologize for being a warrior. I haven't chosen this path, I have held a sword in my hands more often than I've held flowers. And if my battle scars frighten you, look for someone, whose soul has no thorns and draws no blood.

-Veronika Jensen


Contrary to popular belief, I've always known who I was even if I wasn't always who I wanted to be. Have I tried to hide from myself? Yes. Have I put up fronts to hide from the world? Yes. I carry the burden of knowing that I haven't always been authentic but at least I'm woman enough to admit it.

I've been the scared little girl praying for her brother to come take her away from abuse. I've been the terrified little girl who has whisked away from hell in the arms of her savior. I've been the bright-eyed girl wishing she could grow up faster to be like the hero who once saved her.

I've been a survivor.

I've been the teen who went against everyone's wishes because she wanted something more, she wanted to feel alive after years of wandering in limbo. I've been the teen who was so fixated on being a woman she started to run before she even knew how to crawl. I've been the teen who forced herself into a world she didn't understand and wasn't ready for because she needed to be her own hero.

I've been a rebel.

I became a woman hell-bent on proving herself to a world that did nothing but claim her place was at the side of a man, simple eye candy. I became a woman who had to build a legacy instead of relying on her last name to get a push. I became a woman who wasn't happy riding the tailcoats of Jeremy Rider and Jason Rider and had to do everything and anything she could in order to make her own legacy. I became a woman who stood next to other great women such as Kera Wilson, Jessica Micheals, and Whisper who proved women were more than pretty faces in this business.

I've been one of many faces of an Era in wrestling.

I've been an adult who can't take care of herself. I've been the messed-up adult on drugs looking for her next fix while also trying to build a life worth living. I was the adult who grew up too fast because she was sick and tired of being the damsel in distress, the girl who needed someone to save her. Even though I tried to outrun my past, I became the product of my environment with an abusive husband of my own and a daughter who I tried to hide the truth from.

I've been weak.

I've been the woman that allowed a man to walk over her, hurt her in ways only imaginable. I've been the woman who protected her child at all costs, even when the cost was my life. I've been the woman to lay bloodied and bruised on the floor but refused to shed a tear. I've been the woman who was hung above a wrestling ring by a noose at the hands of her own husband just to lay in the same bed with him hours later.

I've been a statistic.

I became a woman who decided to let the past go. I became a woman who looked toward the future and dreamed of something more. I became the woman who once again had a fire in her belly and was hell-bent on not only proving herself but also being who she'd always wanted to be. I became a woman who wasn't scared, who was willing to pick up her sword and shield time and time again and ride into battle, a woman who was unapologetically herself. I became the woman I wanted to be. I was and continue to be strong and independent. I've seen and felt a lot of hurt and pain throughout my life, I was a statistic, but I refused to stay as such. I fought both inside and outside of the ring and became someone to fear. I clung to death while also living to the fullest. I made a legacy of my own without help. I proved myself time and time again and never did it for the publicity or the championships, hell, I didn't even do it for the recognition. I did it all for the honor and pride. I did it all not to prove to others what I was capable of but to prove to myself that I wasn't that scared little girl anymore. I fought battles in and out of the ring and I did it all for myself.

I am a warrior.




But even warriors get tired. Even warriors have limits, after all, they aren't gods. I might have been the product of a god but that didn't mean I was one. I had my limits, ones I pushed on a constant basis, that's why it should come as no surprise that everything finally caught up to me.

I've been change...and have been changed...

Unfortunately...

I've changed again...

Made a mistake...

and this time I'm not sure if I can take it back...

But I refuse to give up...

Because if I do...

She wins…

"Donnie boy oh Donnie boy, I pity you so."

The theatrics were never my forte. I preferred a simple approach to matches and when addressing my opponents. However, here I sat on a golden throne in a dark room breathing in the fumes of the fog around me. My normal attire of simple everyday clothes was now replaced with black leather boots that were laced up to my knee and a dress that exposed more than necessary. An identity crisis was the least of my worries.

"I've just been itching to get back in the ring since my last loss. I'm not usually a sore loser but damn, that last one really stung."

My legs were draped over the side of the throne as I leaned back with eyes closed.

"I guess I have some more proving to do since I shoved my foot so far down my throat it came out of my ass. I guess I should have watched how cocky I was getting. I guess Chris really is rubbing off on me now huh?"

A soft giggle clung to the air as my eyes opened. I turned toward the camera with a sharp tooth grin before nodding toward it.

"You, Donnie boy, should be extremely happy right about now. I'm an injured bitch on the ground ready to be kicked and you're the lucky one who gets to do the kicking. After All, now's the time to make daddy Azrael proud after all the disappointment you’ve been piling up. Since you have such a brilliant mind it shouldn't take you long to realize there's a lot of firepower in your arsenal, you just have to use it. Here, let me help you."

I sit upright with my legs crossed and arms resting on the arms of the throne. After clearing my voice I hold up a finger.

"Let's see, first and foremost you could claim I left because I lost to Jenny Myst. After All, it's been literal years of back and forth with her and when it really kinda counts, when all the cards are on the table, I fold. I mean, I could make the excuse that she didn't pin me and if Ash had not been there blah blah blah blah but I'm not. I lost and I'll accept it. I also left as soon as I lost so I can understand if you skip a couple of numbers while connecting the dots. I'll admit, it kinda looks like I tucked my tail and ran from wrestling."

I hold up a second finger.

"Two, the honest and truthful Mandii Rider ended up being a liar and aided cheater. I ran around behind the scenes with the most hated superstar on the roster, well, next to Pete but for argument, sake let's just say the most hated superstar in XWF currently. I joined Chaotic Inc. and went back on basically everything I ever said about Chris making me out to be one big fat liar."

I hold up a third finger.

"For someone who used to preach about women empowerment I sure as shit didn't show it when I literally ran around with someone else's boyfriend. I guess I deserve Chris since it seems I'm only out for myself at this point, right? You, along with most people here, have probably lost respect for me and if not you probably will sooner or later."

I hold up a fourth finger.

"Funny how I used to ride in on a high horse spouting off about how I'm a leader, champion, and blah blah blah but now I seem to be following Chris around like a lost little puppy dog. I've literally become Jenny Myst 2.0. I guess what they say is true, if you don't die a hero you live long enough to watch yourself become the villain...or sidekick I guess. Anyway, point being is I've done little to nothing since my "return" aside from being Chris's pretty little play piece."

I drop all my fingers down and let out a low chuckle under my breath before leaning deep into the back of my throne. I hold up my fingers once again before looking over the red nail polish coating the tips of my nails with a smirk.

"I've got to admit, I've pretty much destroyed any image I made for myself here in XWF. At least, any good image I had here in XWF. I'm sure your big brain is just bouncing around with reasons why I'm basically doing your job for you and shit-talking myself."

I stop looking at my nails and place a figure on my chin. Looking upward I begin talking in a high mocking tone.

"Could it be a defense mechanism? Could I be saying all this just so it doesn't hurt my feelings when you say it or someone else does? Is it just some form of self-deprecation? Am I going to say that all of it's a mistake or perhaps I'm saying it all just to pretend I don't care? Is it a trap?!"

I remove my finger from my chin and smile into the camera.

"I'm laying out my recent dirty laundry because I want to make it perfectly clear I know how things appear to be. I'm not going to sit here and explain my actions or try to debunk anything before the insults start flying. I'm bringing things up to simply prove a point. The thing is, it seems like often when I leave, or anyone leaves and returns for that matter, there's this claim that they did it because they're running from something or whatever. I lost to Jenny Myst after running my mouth. I got what I deserved. I've also basically made an ass of myself and I'm sure you will agree with that Donnie boy. I've also become everything I claimed to dislike. I'm pointing out just a few of my current faults to prove I'm not running from anything and yes, I am ready for the criticism. I'm bringing everything up here and now because I'm done hiding."

With a sigh, I fall back into the throne and slouch ever so slightly.

"Now that's out of the way, how is your codependency doing? Are your brothers still attached at the hip like before or can you finally go to the bathroom by yourself like a big boy? I saw there was another one of you walking around, does that mean this creepy throuple thing you guys had going on has upgraded? Just out of curiosity, who cuddles who in bed or do you all just kinda line up back to belly and one unlucky brother ends up being only a cuddler and not the cuddled? Let me guess, you're the big spoon and everyone else is the little spoon because you have to feel like a papa bear taking care of his cubs. Get it? Because you always have to have the power? Eh, things aren't funny anymore if you have to explain."

I sit up straight.

"Wait, actually, if my memory serves, haven't you been MIA for a while too? At least a month or two right? Didn't you take a little break after Chris Page kicked your ass on Savage? Oh, and before that, you didn't even try with Chris and Ares, if memory serves, you couldn't even make it to the ring on your own, you were dragged to the ring and the match was over before it even started. That's one thing I have going for me I guess, I haven't just tossed in the towel when times were tough. I would say you were too scared to say anything to them but we all know you just either didn't care or your ego got in the way and you didn't see a point in even trying when you found out who your partner was. Not to say I can blame you but then again when I was put in a tag team match with someone I didn't know, didn't trust, and who didn't show I still tried to hold up the fort for my team. Granted, I lost but at least I didn't take the easy way out. Then again, it's probably a good thing you didn't say anything because if Chris and Ares did what they did to you on Warfare without you uttering one word-"

I sucked air in between my teeth and slightly shook my head.

"I would have hated to see what they would have done if you actually opened your know it all mouth. Actually, no, I would have loved watching them knock your teeth down your throat. I guess you better step it up Donnie boy, you don't want people thinking you're scared of Chaotic Inc. do you? I mean, I could sit here and give you a little of a confidence boost but then again if I can admit my wrongs and take it like a woman you should be able to do the same and take it like a man, right?"

*Over Dramatic Wink*

"I guess that's something that'll never change about me. I still have some sort of humility and can admit things, no problem. I don't have a problem with people trying to prey on my weaknesses because I think it's fun. It also makes me work on those weaknesses and address them instead of running from them. Can you say the same Donnie or do you ignore your problems so you can pretend to excel at everything you do? Don't worry, we're all human, well, I guess not, but we are all flawed. That must be a really harsh reality for you, have you faced it yet? Aren't you some sort of perfectionist? Again, explains why you go into a match just to find out you might not stand a chance and then tuck it and run. I guess you didn't run far enough because Chris and Ares drug you back to your problems."

"I wonder what your brothers think of you being a scaredy-cat. You kinda set the bar for them all, don't you? You've set that bar very low, no wonder your brothers follow in your footsteps of failure. Come on Donnie, this is your big chance to be redeemed...If you don't run that is. Who am I kidding, no one probably gives a shit I'm back so it's not like people will really pay attention to this match right? There's always self-redemption through Donnie unless you think history will repeat itself. The last time I met with you in the ring, you did try, and you failed. Does that scare you?"

I shake my head from side to side.

"Honestly Donnie, I don't look down on you, I was just hoping for more of a challenge coming back into the ring. I was hoping for someone who would give me a little push, some motivation to do better. I've got a lot of proving to do again and I'm just not going to get anywhere beating you again. Don't take it personally, I just don't think you'll actually give a shit because you've shown you don't many times in the past. I wanted a challenge and while on paper you seem like one we both know you aren't. Like a perfectionist, you have to do something perfectly or you chose to just not do it at all. In your weird brain, you probably think if you don't try you can't fail."

"Then again, maybe you'll surprise us all and actually attempt to win a match. Here's to hope."

I wave as the room begins to fill with fog and the picture fades to a black screen.





Pulling on a faux fur coat, she began walking away from the little set she had put up hours earlier. The sound of heels clicking on a tile floor was the only noise in an otherwise silent room.

"You're right, that was fun. No wonder you enjoy doing this so much Mandii Moo. Gosh, I just hope I didn't embarrass you too much."