-continued from Bad Moon Rising-

Shifting my way out of my minivan and out into the skin-blistering elements of Disney’s: Bum-Fucked-Egypt On Ice! I cautioned my aging boots for a potential slip as they touched the frozen gravel on the highway shoulder. The rumbling vehicle coming up the road was nearing my point of mayday, and I needed to get out into the road quickly to try waving them down.

I mean how stupid of a scenario was this entire ordeal anyway? Me leaving Marie, and our children, to bushwhack my way to the XWF Headquarters; a location so uniquely unrevealed that it doesn’t even really exist.

And in a minivan that clearly needed some serious maintenance nonetheless!

Anyone with half a brain would look at this and absolutely blast me, and Marie, questioning our judgement like: “Why would she send him off to some foreign place in a rickety van if she said she wanted him to be careful?” “Hell, she’s putting him in more danger than the people in the XWF she’s afraid of!” But alas, the standard thought process is becoming a more longed-for attribute. Trust me, I know, and I was about to have that notion driven in even further.


When the car spotted me, as it indicated by its flashing headlights, it began to slow down, and as I took a closer look I became immediately dismayed. Where I thought there might be some salvation, an old rusty orange Dodge was rattling up beside me. A well-known vehicle of a bygone era, driven to death and worn out, it had been spray painted time and again with the same overused color for turd-polishing purposes. It’s muffler was sputtering and backfiring, causing so much unwanted ruckus that one couldn’t help but gawk at it’s ridiculous nature. One might describe it as haunting to the senses. Maybe even downright scary!

Moreover stupefying, here it was twenty-something degrees out and this relic of a car genre was out driving around with it’s top down, being all too extra, as if to compensate for its lack of admirable qualities or something. But believe it or not, the worst was still to come.


From out of the vehicle arose the trope incarnate: mysterious, dark and nihilistic angst in the human flesh.

“Well, well, well, Mallory-”

The man, going out of his way to exude his tormented and dangerous persona, started speaking with his similarly basic sidekick,

“-just what should we do with this piece of fried green shit?”

It was bad, like cheesy comic book reel bad,

The girl sucks on her teeth and then runs her tongue across them, making damn well sure I knew just how neurotic and sexual she was, as if it wasn’t obvious enough with the gross, hyper accentuations of her body she was displaying with her clothing,

“I don’t know Mickey, he’s kind of cute-”

She says, flipping her colored hair out of her eyes,

“-maybe he’s a glutton for punishment...”

She struts her way over to my frame that’s frozen in part by the cold, but mostly by my dumbfoundedness,

“Just.”

She wrenches her hand onto my crotch, giving it an uncomfortable tug, before getting right up in my face with her rancid breath, squeezing even tighter with each word,

“Like. Us.”

Mickey glares incredulously at me overtop of his sunglasses, yes, sunglasses, he’s wearing sunglasses at night. Do you understand how comically bad this was?

Next thing I know I’m hurled into the back seat of this dingy rust bucket, some might call it the vehicle of a shit ton of done-to-death bad ideas, as it races down the road uncontrollably as one could obviously predict.

“Yeah, boy. We’re gunna’ have a lot of fun with you!”

Mickey starts in again as he navigates us towards god-knows-where,

“See, Mallory and me?”

He shouts back while looking in the rearview mirror at me, doing a little motion over to his vanilla-flavoured spooky counterpart with his thumb stuck out. That freak hadn’t taken her eyes off of me,

“We’re outlaws! Yeah!”

Oh barf. I make an audible groan at the unimaginative fodder they’re feeding me,

“We’ve been snatching up pretty little things like you and taking everything-”
Mallory says as she begins to leg-spread her way over her seat and into the back, just to make sure I was fully uncomfortable as the freezing night wind continues to rip the breath from my diaphragm,

“-that we want. But don’t worry, babe, the pain is always so exhilarating.”

She said, up on my lap now, pressing her suspiciously well-manicured nail into my chest and running it down my stomach,

“So tell me- uh- what’s your name again, kid?”

Mickey shouts back at me, also very suspiciously unconcerned that his lady friend practically dry-fucking me in the back seat,

“Oh fuuuuuck!”

I shouted out in a numb frustration, the trite nature of this entire episode becoming too much for me to bare,

“Fuck?! What a stupid fucking name! Is that with a p-h?”

He crafted his thoughts so cleverly before cackling out into the rushing ice of the night sky like any other sadistic villain in any format ever,

“What’s got you so lost in the darkness, Phuck?”

He asks after gathering himself as I rolled my eyes,

“I was headed to the XWF headquarters.”

I reply as uninspiringly as possible,

“THE XWF?! YOU’RE A WRESTLER?!”

He barks,

“Oooooh, I bet he can take soooo much PUNISHMENT”

Mallory chimes in, before I simply responded:

“Yes.”

Bracing for the tired corollary I just knew he was about to embark on,

“I was a wrestler once-”

Yup. Here it comes.

“---”

Oh he wanted me to say something. I pretended to be as enthused with shock as I could possibly be,

“Oh. Really?”

“YEAH!”

He continued,

“That’s where this WHOLE thing started for me. I was in the G.D.T.O.W.C.F, that’s where I learned to exercise my lust for anguish. That’s where I first learned how to KILL.”

“Yeah?”

I quipped,

“Oh yeah! I killed my tag team partner's wife!”

He exclaimed,

“How brave.”

“You don’t get it do you? I’m sinister! I’m sadistic! People fear me! The twists and turns of my dark mind will only lead you down the roads of hurt and toil! I’m a monster! I have to expose the monster inside of everyone! Teach them to lean on their inner demon!”

“Dude, this is really boring-”

I tried to interrupt, but he just kept rambling on,

“Since then? Me and Mallory? We’ve killed HUNDREDS of puny little fucks just like my tag partner’s wife, and just like you!”

I couldn’t bear another second of this, if it weren’t for Marie and the kids, I would have already reached into their front seat, grabbed one of the various hand guns up there and put a bullet in my brain. I don’t know why the obvious, and the overplayed really wear me out, but they do.

And see? Here again. Imagine had I have been cutting promos against people like this, calling them out for their pale and shallow attempts of reciting edgy and violent reruns of characters that were barely interesting the first go-around, these people could at least try to point out that people like me are the most commonplace of them all, ya know? The standard dude with unexplored backstory. If they put forth even a little effort, maybe they could make me seem foolish.

But again. Like I said. With this type of nonsense we’re currently in the midst of being at the forefront, we’re gasping for commonsense to prevail.

I took Marv, or Mickey, or whatever this generic fuck’s name was and really studied it, I really honestly tried to dive in and give him a little piece of something beyond the crotchety regurgitations of his dark mysterious blah, blah, blah, but I just couldn’t do it. If people like this weren’t going to try, then neither was I,

“Why?”

I instead asked,

“Why?! WHY?! Because we talk to the Devil, motherfucker!”

“Aaand there it is”

I said over what was, of course, a bursting chorus of insane laughter intended to be intimidating from this “demonic” Bonnie and Clyde. That pistol in the front seat was really starting to look tempting,

But suddenly there was a plot twist! And none too fucking soon!

There was a beating from the inside of the trunk, followed by some muffled screams,

“Damnit, Mallory!”

Mickey shouted, as her face turned pale and then twisted into a defensive glare,

“What Mick-ey?”

She nastily spat back,

“It’s your fucking tag-along back there again! Not doing SHIT this entire time except mumbling, screaming and throwing fits about this or that!”

Oh shit! Trouble in paradise?

“Well she’s my fucking friend, Mickey! Maybe if you and the Devil wouldn’t insist on us keeping her in the trunk she could start to explore her TRUE dark nature a little more!”

Mallory screamed,

“She doesn’t even like boob gags, MALLORY! Don’t you know how important boobs are! All she does is bring us down!”

Mickey pleads,

“Oh! Who told you that? THE DEVIL?! OF COURSE I KNOW HOW IMPORTANT BOOBS ARE! WHY DO YOU THINK I DRESS LIKE A DEMON SLUT?!”

The intensity is starting to rise, and all the while I could still hear the girl screaming and thrashing around in the back.

“It’s because that’s all you’ve got, BABE! You and your little special-ed spaz queen of a friend back there! You two are just lookers! I’m the REAL monster!”

Oh snap. It got really quiet and awkward for a moment. Mallory finally got off of my lap and sat down in the seat next to me, folding her arms and with an angry pout said,

“Pull the fucking car over. We’re leaving. We’re done with your bullshit, Mickey. You can keep the Devil too and go FUCK that Hiawiaan bitch I’ve seen you eyeballing. I don’t actually feel all that evil anymore.”

Mickey makes an abrupt left hand turn across the endless two lane road with the gas pedal wide open. Now I’m not exactly sure what happened next, but I think I’d be remiss not to point out the sheer irony of the topless convertible that I lamented having actually saved my life. Because when I came to, my face cushioned by a frozen cow pie in the middle of some field, I looked up to see that shitty orange Dodge had flipped over and had caught fire.

I guess if there was any real lesson to take from all of this, we would have already picked up on it by now, or it most likely just floated over some totally random, totally not intended audience’s head. Fuck if I know.

But at any rate: have fun, don’t be foolish, don’t be a bore, and try to keep your hands clean. These are the thoughts I’ll try to keep with me as I continue my trek up this ever-winding road back to the XWF.

-end-

Former:
1x Hart Champion
1x Federweight Champion
April 2021 RP Of The Month Still Waters Run Deep